Worthy of Redemption (12 page)

I inhaled sharply. Lydia must have heard me because she pulled away and looked right at me. Her mouth fell open in surprise, forcing Gavin to look, too. The rest of the details are gritty. I had screamed and cried and shouted hateful things at both of them. Gavin tried to hold me and comfort me, but there was no comfort to be had. I was completely shattered inside. My pain was just as deep as it was the day Anna had died, except now there was no one to save me.

I tried to take my life in that same hour that I discovered them. I had locked myself in the bathroom with a large kitchen knife. The pain was excruciating, but it didn’t compare to my emotional pain. Gavin eventually broke the door down to get to me. I died twice that day, and though I physically recovered, a large part of me was still dead.

The last time I saw Gavin was the day before my release from the psych facil
ity I ended up in for forty-five days. I had requested a very strict visitor’s list, only allowing my mother to visit me, blocking out Lydia and Gavin. I allowed Gavin to come in on the last day, though. He sobbed through his apologies. He and Lydia were going to tell me. They didn’t mean to hurt me. They both loved me very much. He was so scared to find me bleeding on the bathroom floor. I cried while listening to him, but I didn’t speak until his visiting hour was almost over.

“I hope that whenever you die, it’s slow and painful. Then you will know how I feel.”

Gavin married Lydia six months later, two months before their first child was born. They had two more children over the course of six years. He and Lydia sent me holiday cards every now and then, which I promptly threw away, but I didn’t speak to either one of them again after I left Ohio seven years ago. On their seventh wedding anniversary, on their way home from dinner, Gavin and Lydia were in a terrible car accident. Gavin died a week later. Lydia’s injuries were so extreme, she will never be able live a pain-free life or walk without assistance again.

I was devastated by Gavin’s death, even though I had not spoken to him since that last day in the hospital. I felt like his week of suffering was a direct result of the last words I had ever said to him. The guilt weighed me down, threatened to pull me back into the abyss, but it was what he left behind that made me pull m
yself together.

My mother, who had moved to Philly to watch over me after my suicide a
ttempt, gave up what little she owned and moved back to Ohio to help my sister with her children. I refused to go to Gavin’s funeral, and I still refused to talk to my sister, but my mother was struggling trying to care for Lydia and the kids. I never met any of the kids, knowing that I would be reminded of Anna, but they were Gavin’s children, and Gavin was once my only reason for breathing. So, I gave up almost all of what I had, too, to make sure that his children would be clothed, fed, and have anything children should have. I send them nearly half of what I earn every month. Lydia tried calling me several times to thank me and to try to make amends, but I didn’t want to talk to her, because what I was doing wasn’t for her. It was for Gavin’s kids.

When
SHOTZ
burned down, my dwindling financial security went with it. I had hoped that Emmy and I would work something out so that I could take ownership of the bar. It would provide me with more income to take care of the kids, but also give me some collateral to work with so that I could get the money needed to make the bar into the establishment I wanted it to be. I was half way through college when I knew I wanted to open my own, but with
SHOTZ
gone and nothing to work with, it was going to take a while longer to realize my dream, but my first priority was Gavin’s kids.

Kyle made valid points, I realized. My friend’s house in Camden wasn’t nece
ssarily safe. Who would help the kids if something happened to me as a result of being there? I could get hurt or killed anywhere, obviously, but why put myself in harm’s way? Not to mention that living at Kyle’s would save me the money I use for traveling to and from work, and if I worked for him by taking care of his home I would probably make more money than I did basically working for tips tending bar.

There were other things to consider if I was going to live with Kyle. He was sometimes an epic asshole, and his latest stalking bit was unsettling. I felt that he was hot and cold at times, one minute he wanted to be my friend/lover and the next he was pushing me away, trying to convey to me how worthless I was. I didn’t think he was going to change his mind after a week and throw me out on my ass, but I could easily see him withdrawing from me and treating me like crap. I b
elieved he was a very troubled man, that he craved to be loved and cared for, but he didn’t think he was worthy. I knew his failures with Emmy was part of it, and of course his idiot faux father, but there had to be more, but unlike Kyle, I wasn’t going to use enormous resources to dig up his past and use it in my favor.

I also had to sort out my feelings for Kyle if I was going to live with him. Sometimes I rea
lly wanted to break his big mouth on his gorgeous face and shut him up for a while, but then that would prevent any possibility of feeling that obnoxious mouth on my own. My feelings for Kyle had grown exponentially since I started working for him. While I was able to see past his hard outside exterior, I
liked
that hard outside exterior. It was part of the package that made him so desirable to me, but even though it had been two years since he was in a relationship with Emmy, he was still reeling from it. He was still hurting and still self-loathing for what he had done to her, and if she showed up at his door on any given day asking for another chance he would most likely give it to her. Where would that leave me? I had avoided any kind of serious relationship since Gavin, because I wasn’t over what he and Lydia did to me. Even when I thought I was at least past it enough to date, I tended to date men I wasn’t really attracted to so that there was no chance in my getting hurt. Getting involved with Kyle would be a whole other story. I was extremely attracted to him and I knew he probably would definitely hurt me, even if unintentional.

I peeked up front at the dashboard. We had been driving around for almost two hours. Corsey was really quiet and hadn’t spoken once during the ride. I occasio
nally heard him humming along with a song, but he allowed me the quiet that I needed to think things through.

“Corsey, can you drive me to Camden?” I asked.

“Sure thing, Miss Whitman,” he said with a nod and a smile.

I started to settle in my seat again when a thought occurred to me.

“Do you work for Mr. Sterling directly? You got to the building very fast.”

It would have actually surprised me to know that Kyle had a car service. He was often pr
etentious, but the only time I had ever seen him being driven around was when it was work related.

Corsey
looked in the mirror at me for a few seconds. I found this suspicious.

“I do work for Mr. Sterling directly,” he said evasively.

“But I’m his personal assistant,” I said. “I’ve never seen you before today. You’re not listed in any of the contacts I have for Kyle.”

“Miss Whitman, you will have to have this discussion with Mr. Sterling,” he said with fina
lity.

I looked at him with suspicion. What the hell was the big secret? Did he only drive Kyle to super-secret Sterling Corp meetings? Was he an accomplice in some kind of sex ring? What the hell?

Then it dawned on me.

“When Kyle can’t personally follow me around, you do it,” I said and watched for his rea
ction.

His eyes glanced at me in the mirror, but he said nothing.

“Well, then,” I said, feeling a little perturbed. “I guess I don’t have to tell you the address, do I?”

“No, ma’am.”

Yep. I was definitely going to hurt Kyle’s balls.

I stood with my hand on the door, resisting the urge to go after Lily. I had never meant to
feel
anything for her, and I sure as hell didn’t expect to
feel
regret for my actions that so obviously hurt her. My intentions at first were professionally motivated. I wanted to be sure she had a clean background before entrusting her with the more sensitive aspects of Sterling Corp and my personal life. I was surprised to find that she was sleeping on someone’s couch in the ghetto, so I dug a little deeper to make sure there wasn’t a drug, alcohol, or gambling problem. Soon I was peeling off layer after layer of Lily’s life until I was completely obsessed with this seemingly selfless woman. I wasn’t worthy of her or her friendship, but she had given up so much I wanted to give her something in return. But like I often do, I fucked that up, too.

I should have never touched her. I should have never lost control like that. I had to stop acting on my impulses. Kissing Lily was an unmet experience. Hearing Lily’s moans of plea
sure and feeling her hands on my body are experiences that I can compare to nothing or no one else, including Emmy. It wasn’t just that she was being physically stimulated, but I could almost taste her feelings for me in her kiss, feel her heart beating for me in her fingers. Her eyes hid nothing, and I took advantage of that. I had to keep my hands and lips to myself, but her body practically screamed my name every time I was near her and it was extremely difficult for me to ignore. I tried to be an even bigger ass to deter her, but she managed to break through those walls with very little effort.

Several times in the office, I had wanted to bend her over my desk and let her feel what she did to me, but what was worse was there were even more times that I wanted to just wrap my arms around her and hold her. I wasn’t sure which one was more dangerous, but either way, I had to learn to keep my hands to m
yself. I would give her a safe and secure place to live until she was able to take better care of herself, but I had to try to be as neutral as possible, or I would only end up breaking her as I did Emmy. That was my forte. I broke things, and Lily would be no different.

I moved away from the door and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I called the conc
ierge and then called Corsey. I waited patiently by the large windows in my living room until the concierge called me back to tell me Lily got into the Escalade. After the sensitive memories I forcefully unveiled for her, I didn’t want her wandering around the city alone. At least this way I would know where she was and that she was in safe company.

~~~

I was dreaming about Emmy again. She was wearing the blue dress she wore the night of the gala. I was running my hands over her smooth, soft bare back as I danced with her on the dance floor. I held her close and sung
Wonderwall
with the band softly in her ear. It felt so real. I could feel the curves of her breasts pressing against my chest. I could smell her skin and her hair and I could feel her breath on my neck.

“I love you,” she whispered. “You’re all I want. Just you.”

“You have me, Em,” I said.

“But I really don’t, do I?”

Her tears dampened my shirt. I could feel them on my skin and they seeped into my chest, through bone and tissue and into my heart.

“I’ll give you anything you want,” I promised her.

“Except yourself.”

The one and only love of my life untangled herself from my arms and turned her back on me. I didn’t even get a glimpse of her face before she walked away. I was helpless to go after her. My feet were glued to the floor and my arms were pinned at my sides. I couldn’t even reach out for her. My voice was immediately absorbed into the dead space around me as I called to her uselessly. I could do nothing but watch as the crowd parted for her and then swallowed her whole.

When I was finally able to move, everything around me grew dark. The crowd, full of familiar faces, looked at me with menacing eyes as they advanced. I knew if I didn’t get away from them, and get back into Emmy’s light, I would die. Maybe I deserved to die, but I didn’t want to die, but as their hands began to close over me, I knew I didn’t have a choice in the matter…

Breathless, I jolted upright in my bed, searching the dark for Emmy in her blue dress. I clawed at my chest in an attempt to get air moving through my lungs again. My heart pounded so loudly, it almost drowned out the sound of my pa
nicked gasps. Movement in the doorway caught my attention, but it was so dark. It just looked as if the darkness was moving towards me. In my half-sleep state, my panic grew. A soft hand landed on my chest and gripped at my hand and half a second later the room was bathed in light.

Lily stood before me with her wide gray eyes.

“Hey,” she said, touching my face. “It’s okay. You were dreaming.”

“Fuck!” I managed to gasp out.

“I’ll go get you some water,” Lily said softly. “Better yet, a shot of whiskey.”

She started to pull away, but I held fast to her hand. I’ve had so many nightmares in my life, and not once has anyone been there to help me return to reality. I wasn’t going to just let her walk away. Chances were that she wouldn’t r
eturn.

Without any hesitation, Lily sat down on the bed and gently pushed me back so that I was lying down once again.

“Close your eyes,” she gently commanded.

“I can’t,” I answered even as my breaths began to regulate.

“You’re not even really awake, Kyle,” she said. “Close your eyes.”

“Stay here.” I squeezed her hand in warning.

“I will stay here as long as you want me to. Now sleep.”

Her other hand was in my hair, caressing and comforting. My eyes grew heavy, but I didn’t want them to close. I didn’t know what I would see. I didn’t know if I’d see Emmy bruised and battered. I didn’t know if I’d see my brother’s dead body. I didn’t know if I’d see my mother on the bathroom floor, bleeding and at the brink of death. I didn’t know if I’d see the depths of hell, waiting for me.

As I struggled to keep my eyes open, I looked up at Lily. She offered me a small smile when I didn’t deserve it after what I did to her. She could have left me drowning in my nightmare in the dark, but she didn’t. I should have pushed her away, because I didn’t deserve her, but I didn’t have the energy to do it. Just before sleep took me completely again, I realized that Lily, like Emmy, had her own light.

~~~

Sunlight poured through the skylight, bathing my room in a bright light. I blinked up at it for a moment, trying to figure out what time it was. I looked over at the clock on the bedside table. It was after ten in the morning, the latest I could remember sleeping in a very long time. I felt the need to stretch, but I didn’t want to disturb the sleeping form curled around my body.

My memory of the night was slightly muddled, but I remembered the nigh
tmare and I remember Lily appearing out of the darkness like some kind of Dream Super Hero. I felt like a pussy for my behavior and the things I said. I wondered if I peeked into my boxers if I would discover I had grown my very own vagina, but the obvious growing monster stretching the fabric debunked my whole vagina theory.

I needed to get up and get away from Lily, despite how fantastic it felt for her leg to be draped over mine, her arm across my body and her head cradled in the crook of my arm. I was surprised that she had even come back the night before. I knew I’d have to keep my hands to myself and I didn’t want to make her change her mind by trying to slide between her gorgeous thighs.

Just as I started to untangle myself from Lily, her eyes fluttered for a few seconds and then opened. She blinked up at me with those damn gray eyes and my resolve to get away from her left me. I made a slight adjustment and bent my head to gently touch my lips to hers. I gave her a single, lingering chaste kiss and pulled back to gage her reaction. Her brow was furrowed in concentration. Her eyes were stormy, but heated. I used two fingers to tip her chin. She didn’t stop me when I moved in to kiss her again. I slid my tongue along her bottom lip, getting a preview of her gorgeous mouth. I nipped at her lip, eliciting a light groan from her. I laced my fingers in her hair and sought out Lily’s ornamented tongue with my own. Her hands gripped the back of my head and we both moaned as the kiss deepened.

I put my hands on her hips and pulled her on top of me. Her hair formed a sweet scented veil around us as our tongues performed a perfectly orchestrated dance. Her mouth was warm, sweet, and addicting. Unfortunately for me, Lily as a whole was becoming rather addicting. I pulled away from her mouth and immed
iately missed it. I put my hands in her hair, pulling it off of her face so I could look at her. She sat up straight, straddling me. We groaned together when her cloth covered pussy connected with my erection. I cupped one side of her face and dragged my thumb across her plump lips. She leaned into my touch and reached up to press my hand with both of hers. That was when I saw her bare wrists, lacking in the bracelets she was never without.

“When did you take the bracelets off?” I asked her, though it probably wasn’t the best time to ask.

She seemed to remember she was no longer wearing them. Redness seeped into her cheeks as she put her hands down and pressed them to her sides. “Last night,” she said and then bit her lip.

“I’m sorry I brought up painful memories,” I said, running a hand through her hair.

“Thank you for apologizing,” she said and then smiled wryly. “Now I don’t have to hurt your balls.”

I narrowed my eyes at her and then I made her screech when I flipped her over onto her back. I leaned down and took her mouth again with a groan. I sat up far enough to pull her shirt off, getting another shriek out of her. I groaned again when I discovered she wasn’t wearing a bra, revealing a very well-endowed set of breasts. They were perfect in shape and size, each one more than a handful even for my hands, and her studded nipples only made them more enticing. There was nothing between my mouth and her jeweled breasts.

“Fucking beautiful,” I groaned before I leaned down to run my tongue over one of her hard nipples.

Lily moaned loudly as my tongue flicked over her piercing. I covered the bud with my mouth and slowly sucked it in, making Lily curse under her breath before moaning again. I reached up with my other hand and pushed my thumb b
etween her lips. She eagerly sucked on my thumb. I couldn’t wait until I could feel those lips wrapped around my cock. I pulled the thumb out of her mouth after a moment and swiped it across her other nipple.

“Oh my god,” she groaned as I dragged my damp thumb repeatedly across her hard ni
pple.

I switched sides, paying equal attention her other breast. Lily moaned and writhed under me as her fingers wove through my hair. Feeling Lily’s adorned nipples against my tongue came second only to feeling Lily’s adorned tongue against my mouth. So, I didn’t forget what that felt like, when I was done with her rigid nipple, I kissed her again as I grinded my cock against her.

Soon I was moving down her body, leaving a trail of kisses between her breasts, down her belly and over her pierced belly button. Slowly, as if I were pulling the wrapper off of a delectable treat, I pulled on her shorts. Immediately I saw what looked like tattooed vines licking at her sides, following her curves and ending just above her pubic bone. They were part of a much bigger tattoo on her back that I had yet to see, but I thought they were sexy and I made a point to follow each one with my tongue before I finished pulling her shorts off.

After Lily’s shorts and panties lay in a heap on the floor, she suddenly got up on her knees and started to pull my t-shirt off. She threw the shirt across the room before wrapping her arms around my waist to hold me close while she kissed and nipped at my chest. I grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her head back and attacked her mouth with my own. Her fingers pulled on the elastic waistband of my boxers and seconds later her hand was on my cock.

“Lay down,” I commanded.

She gave my chest one last bite, before doing as she was told while I quickly removed my boxers. I smoothed my hands over her thighs and gently parted her legs. I dragged a finger through her folds and pressed it inside her moist heat. She watched me with hooded eyes, biting on her bottom lip. I pulled out my finger and held it up so she could see how wet she was. I reached up and rubbed her mois
tness on one of her nipples. Lily moaned and licked her luscious lips as her gray eyes bore into mine.

Holding her gaze, I slowly pushed three fingers inside of her. Her wet canal was tight around my fingers and seemed to get tighter the further I pushed them in. When my fingers were as deeply inside of her as they would go, I pulled them almost all of the way out and then slammed them back in. Lily shrieked and min
dlessly pushed back against my hand. I pulled my fingers out again, loving how wet they looked and slammed them back again. With my other hand, I pressed my thumb over her clit. Lily’s hips shot up off of the bed as she cried out. I took the opportunity to slam my fingers back inside of her again. I started to fuck her with my fingers, fast and hard while pressing on her swollen clit.

“Come for me, baby,” I growled and held my fingers deep inside of her, flicking my fi
ngers against her sensitive spot and pressing hard on her clit.