Women and Other Monsters (8 page)

Kramer kissed her on the lips and said, “You are right.  There is no place in Germany that I cannot find them.”

The Zundapp motorcycle pulled up beside the
Obersturmbannfuhrer’s
car.  Both soldier’s faces were obscured by grime-covered goggles.  Amelie looked through the window, locking eyes with the man driving the motorcycle, seeing the long scar along his cheek and said, “Where could anyone hide from the likes of you, Herr Kramer?  It would be foolish to try.”

Room Service

Vampires are assholes. They’re not sparkly, reticent killers yearning for true love.  They aren’t gothic romantics who read poetry.  They aren’t even mysterious Romanians who turn into bats and terrorize the countryside.  Really, they’re just douche bags.    

Of course, I’ve only met one, so it might be unfair of me to characterize them all that way.  For all I know, Blake was a dickhead before somebody thought it a good idea to give him enough power to push his fingertip through the center of a nickel.   

His skin’s pallid.  He must want to feed.  I just smile and nod while he talks, hoping he is more hungry than he is smart.  “It is not often that I receive visitors in my chambers,” he whispers.  His breath stinks of rotting meat. 

I look around the hotel room.  This is some chambers, right?  A second-story motel room with a pull-string lamp and clothes scattered on both sides of the bed.  “Like I said, I’m room service.” 

“Except that you desire to be both my waiter and my meal.” 

“Can we just get on with it?”

His eyes glitter in the darkness like a rat’s.  He sniffs the air and says, “Please do not tell me you’ve bought into that old wives’ tale.  Garlic would hardly save you from me if I chose you as my prey.”

 “It’s what I like on pizza,” I explain.  “Figured I’d enjoy my last meal.”

“Pizza,” he whispers, closing his eyes as he leans forward and takes a deep breath.  “Another wonderful thing I was never fortunate enough to partake of before the end of my human life.”

“That’s tragic,” I say.

Blake hisses at me, revealing his long fangs, “I am beginning to think you are a liar and a bore, Robert.  We have met before.  I recognize your scent.”

“What’s the difference if we bumped into each other at some bar?  Just get it over with.  I’m ready.” 

“Too ready, I think,” he says.  “The night is young, and I am not nearly so thirsty as to recklessly feed on the first young man who comes walking into my chambers uninvited.”

“You could just kill me the old fashioned way.  You’re strong enough to snap my neck and be done with it.  But then you’d miss out on this sexy, pizza-flavored blood.”

“Sexy blood?” he says, grinning.  “You are an unusual human.”  

I get close to him and whisper, “Listen.  I’m a guy, you’re a guy.  An undead guy, but still…vampires don’t have sex, they drink blood.”  I turn my head sideways to give him a good view of my jugular vein.  “You want this?  Come and take it.”  

He sits down on the coffin and pats the lid, waving for me to sit beside him.  I’m glad because the room is starting to spin and if I don’t get him to bite me within the next five minutes, I’m going into sepsis shock and dying on my own. 

***

The first time I laid eyes on Sunshine was when she came circling around the pole at Dirty D’s Cabaret.  Her long blonde hair whipped through the air as her humongous balloon-shaped boobs sloshed sideways.  Everybody around the bar tossed crumpled dollar bills at her.  When she landed on the stage in a perfect split, I crashed headfirst into love. 

I sat on my barstool, waiting until her act was finished.  She left the stage and took up a spot at the end of the bar, smoking and playing a video poker machine, not interested in anything else.  I flagged down Glen the bartender and said, “Isn’t she coming around?” 

“Sunshine!  Get off your ass!” he barked. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, but Sunshine was already getting up from her stool.    She worked her way toward me, stopping to flirt with every drunk that squeezed her ass and planted a kiss on her cheek.  Finally, she landed in the seat next to mine and put her hand between my legs.  “You want a lap dance, sugar?”

“How much are they?”  

“If you need to ask, you don’t have the money, sweets,” she said, giving me a firm pinch on the cheek and getting up to leave.       

I grabbed her wrist and said, “I’m ready.  Let’s go.” 

Sunshine smiled and led me by the hand toward the black curtains behind the DJ booth.  We walked past an old man sitting on a stained couch.  There was a tattooed brunette bouncing on his crotch to the blaring, bass-heavy music pumping from the booth.   

Sunshine pushed me into the darkness and climbed on top of me.  “Do you have a boyfriend?” I shouted.

She leaned backwards to grind on me.  “Nope,” she said.  “You know any good guys?”  

“Just one.  Me.”

She laughed and kept going until the song was finished.  After I stood up, I said, “Do you want to get a drink when your shift is over?”

“I’m not done for another two hours.”

“I’ll wait.”

“Ok.  If you don’t mind.”

“I’ll be at the bar in the same spot,” I said.  “Right over there.  Won’t move an inch.  You won’t regret this.” 

“That’s fifty for the dance.”

“Oh, right.  Of course.”  I dug into my pocket and handed her a hundred dollar bill.  It was the money I was supposed to give my mom for rent.  “Keep the change.” 

Two hours later, she emerged rolling her suitcase behind her.  She went to the other end of the bar and sat, just smoking and talking to Glen.  She slid a few dollars into that damn video poker machine and started playing. 

I was careful not to look in her direction as I finished my drink.  I slid from my seat and headed for the door, dragging my feet like I hadn’t been picked for the playground basketball team.  She stopped me before I got to the door.  “Where you going, sexy?  You give up that easily?” 

“I figured you were bailing on me.” 

“Hell no,” she said.  “Sit your ass down over here and buy me that drink.”

Four drinks later, she was rubbing my leg.  She told me dancing was just a way to save money for nursing school.  “That sounds awesome.  How long have you been saving for that?”

“On and off about five years,” she shrugged.  “Things keep popping up.  My damn car is always breaking down.”

“Maybe I could look at it for you?  I’m pretty good with cars,” I said.  This was a lie.  I can’t even change a car’s oil.  But this was my chance and I needed something better to tell her than I was a recovering junkie who still lived with his mom. 

 She nodded, but was looking at an old mat at the other end of the bar.  “Hi sweetie!” she called out, waving to him.  “That’s Bob.  He’s my favorite customer.  Such a sweetheart.”

Bob looked up at us, his red watery eyes fixed on me.  I stared him down until he went back to looking at his drink.  “You wait right here until I get back, sugar,” she said, giving my crotch a squeeze.  “I have plans for you later.” 

***

Three weeks after that first night, Sunshine and I were shooting pool in the back of Dirty D’s, and there was some dude watching her from across the bar.  His black leather trench coat was cinched around his waist and he had on cowboy boots made of reptile skin.  His long black hair was pulled back in a thick pony tail, framing a perfectly groomed goatee that drew to a point under his chin.  He had that sweaty, sticky, getting-sick look junkies get when they need a fix.  “See that guy?” I said to her.  “Who does he think he’s looking at?”   

“Just let him look.  There’s only one man I’m going home with tonight.”  She chalked the tip of her stick and puckered her lips, “It’s your shot, baby.”

***

Two nights later, I was waiting on my couch for Sunshine to finish her shift.  I hated not being there when she was working, but Glenn was tired of me sitting around all night not buying any drinks or tipping any of the girls, and I was flat broke.  The phone rang in the kitchen.

My mom brought it to me.  “It’s that girl.”   

I covered the mouthpiece and said, “She has a name.”  I took the phone into my room.  “Hey, honey.  Where are you?  I’m sitting here waiting.”

“Remember that guy who was watching me play pool the other night?  He wants me to come to his place for a private dance.  It’s big money.” 

“But I was waiting for you.”

“Well, it’s not like you can pay my rent.”

I tried to keep the sulk out of my voice when I said, “What’s his name?”

“Blake something.  Foreign, I think.” 

“Does he know there’s no touching?”

“Yes,” she sighed.  “He’s very nice.  Totally harmless.” 

I grabbed a pencil and piece of paper.  “What’s the address?” 

“Hotel Montreal.  Half-hour to an hour, tops.” 

 “Your coming over afterwards, right?” 

“Maybe.  Let’s see how tired I am.  I will definitely call you though.”

“Ok.  I love you.”  

“I gotta go.  I’ll call you when I’m done.”  

She didn’t.  

By the next morning, I’d already filled up her voicemail.  Still, I tried once more.  No answer.     

I borrowed Mom’s car and drove to Sunshine’s apartment.  Her parking space was empty.  I flew over to the Hotel Montreal and cruised the parking lot, checking for Sunshine’s car.  I even drove down the side streets, thinking maybe she’d tried to hide her car from me, but no luck.   

That night I went to Dirty D’s and sat at the bar.  Glenn came around and I asked him if he’d seen Sunshine.  “Nope.  I thought she was your girl, man.  You lose her already?”   

 “Is she still on the schedule for tonight?”

He poured me a beer and set it down, then leaned on the bar to look me directly in the eye.  “Listen.  You’re a nice kid, so I’m going to tell you this straight up.  Nobody comes into a place like this and finds love.  These bitches are vipers.  They will suck you dry and leave you for dead without a second thought.  You should be glad you got away before you suffered any serious damage.” 

“Is she still on the schedule or not?”

He sighed and stood up, wiping the spot on the bar where he’d leaned.  “Yeah.  She’s supposed to be here in another hour.”

I spent the next hour biting my nails.  Waiting.  Ignoring the other dancers until they cursed at me and called me names when they walked past.  Every time the door opened, I expected her to come walking in, dragging her little suitcase.  At that point, I didn’t even care if she walked right past me and didn’t say a word.  I just wanted to know she was alright. 

Her shift came and went.  I hung around until closing time.  Right before he turned off the lights, Glenn looked at me and said, “She’s doing you a favor.”

***

I figured out why cops like donut shops.  There’s nothing else open at five in the morning.  When you’ve been sitting in a car staring at the same building for hours on end, you crave mass quantities of caffeine and sugar. 

The Hotel Montreal was a graveyard filled with dark windows and quiet stairwells.  The only car in its parking lot was a rusted Pinto with busted out windows.  Stray cats prowled across the pavement, circling the hotel’s perimeter like they were defending it from rival gangs.  I ate the last glazed donut and took another sip of coffee, feeling my eyes begin to close on their own when someone came down the sidewalk.   

I recognized the black trench-coat and ponytail as he entered the hotel’s gate, passing the empty pool.  Even under the parking lot’s pale fluorescent lights, he didn’t look pasty or tired anymore.  Blake looked delighted, as if he were full of energy he could barely keep from skipping.  He crouched low and sprung into the air toward the roof of the building. 

I stuck my head out of the car window and watched him float down onto the third-floor balcony’s hand-rail.  He touched down softly and crouched for a moment, the wind flapping his coat.  Hot coffee soaked through my pants and seared the skin of my lap before I even realized I dropped the damned cup.  I couldn’t bring myself to look away as he stepped down and went into his hotel room. 

***

I waited until the next morning, when the sun was shining brightly overhead and the hotel maids were pushing rickety metal carts along the hallways. 

The blinds to Blake’s room had been duct taped to the borders of the window, and I could see nothing from the outside.  My driver’s license fit nicely inside the door’s frame, and I was a able to slide it against the lock.  After a few quick jiggles, the handle popped.  The room was totally dark as I shut the door and waited for my eyes to adjust. 

The bed was empty.  I moved down the hallway, creeping silently toward the bathroom, when my knee slammed into the corner of a wooden coffin shoved between the bed and wall.  I had to cover my mouth and hop around on one foot until the urge to scream passed.        

The coffin must have weighed over four hundred pounds.  I shoved the bed out of the way and wedged myself against the wall, pushing with my legs until the damn thing moved.  Finally, I got it close to the window.  I tore away the curtains, spilling light into the room.  “All right, you bloodsucking bastard.  Time to do some tanning.”