Without You I Have Nothing (13 page)

_{With one arm raised
to lash out, she whipped over but Peter’s roar of laughter as he hurled himself
backwards out of reach surprised her.}

_{“You're a nut,” she
grinned. “You're mad. You knew damn well what you were doing.”  Becoming
girlish and coy she shyly added, “A girl isn’t safe with you about.”}

_{“But you are safe
with me Jennifer – always safe.”  Peter stopped her with his kiss. She made no
effort to push him away.}

_{“You're coming home
with me,” he whispered as he lay alongside her.}

_{Although her head
rose in protest he ignored her, continuing, “Oh, I know. No funny business. Do
you think I'm as stupid as I look?”}

_{Back went Jennifer’s
head as she stared at Peter trying to read his mind.}

_{“You can listen to
music while I cook. I promise you a meal such as you’d get nowhere else, all
charcoal and burnt offerings.”  He grinned as she tittered. “I promise you no
funny business. I’ll seal the bargain right now.”}

_{Again, they kissed
and again there was a change. No turning away, no reticence and Jennifer used a
finger to trace a light path along his jaw.}

_{The return trip was
different. They chattered and laughed but no mention was made of the previous
night.}

_{The moment they
entered Peter’s apartment he dived for the third bedroom. “I’ll have the first
shower. The door’s not locked so I’d appreciate all the help I can get.”}

_{He laughed at her
surprise. “The second bedroom can be locked. Use the shower there. In the
cupboards and drawers are some clothes which may fit you.”}

_{Jennifer could not
believe her ears and moved to the second bedroom. When she walked into the
hanging space, she gasped.}

_{The rack was full of
matching clothes. Shoes of the most delicate colors and exquisite taste were
neatly stacked on the floor. She opened a drawer full of bras. Someone had
packed one drawer with matching delicate panties and yet another with matching
underwear of varying hues and types.}

_{She checked and
everything was her size. ‘What’s going on?  This Peter has some questions to
answer.’  Angrily she stormed into Peter’s bedroom without knocking.}

_{He was standing with
only a sarong draped around his waist - his bare back to her.}

_{Hearing her gasp of
horror, Peter turned and, white-faced, sank to his knees, his head in his hands.
“Oh, please God. No. No. No. No. Noooooo,” was all he could endlessly repeat
before he started weeping.}

_{She rushed to drop
beside him. “Peter, Peter, your back. Oh, your poor back. What happened?”}

_{“Please, Jennifer,
don’t ask. Please don’t ask.”}

_{Slowly she rose and
pressed his head against her thighs as she held him tightly. “Peter, if you
want a future with me I will ask and you will answer with the truth. I have
some questions and I demand answers - the truth, hear me.”}

_{She stood over him
her hands on his head, trying to console him as she added, “Those clothes. You
said that you’ve never had a woman other than me in your apartment, yet those
clothes...”}

_{Slowly he looked up
as he painfully climbed to his feet and his eyes reflected the pain in his soul.
“Please, Jennifer. The clothes are yours. Please wear them with my love.”}

_{She looked at this
pitiful wreck of the Peter she knew and her heart went out. “I’ll wear them
with pride, if I get truthful answers to my questions.”}

_{“I promise, my
beautiful sweetheart.”  Peter’s lips trembled as he uttered those endearments
for the first time in his life. They not only sounded good but they felt good
and he found the strength to continue.}

_{“For heaven’s sake,
don’t drop that sarong or I’ll faint.”  Jennifer tried to lighten the
atmosphere.}

_{“I’ll shower and
change but there are so many clothes to select from. It may take hours.” 
Jennifer was astounded. Her shampoo was there, her perfume, her makeup, her
lipstick. Everything!  She selected a simple T-shirt and jeans. Bare-footed she
walked back to Peter.}

_{She found him
prostrate before the small altar that featured his parents' picture, oblivious
to her presence. Praying, he seemed to be asking their permission for something.
Then, unseeing, as if a robot, he staggered into the main bedroom. Dropping to
his knees once more, he began reciting the Lord’s Prayer.}

_{‘What kind of man is
this?  I need answers and I need them before I leave.’  Jennifer could not
believe what was happening.}

_{Peter completed his
prayers. Then, still unmindful of her presence, he moved to his music center
and pushed the play button. Suddenly the sounds of the Welsh Hymn, 'Cwm
Rhondda' ('Guide me Oh Thy Great Jehovah') resounded through the apartment. Peter
filled his chest and sang with the music. With no restraint, his voice echoed
in every room and he did not pause even when the English changed to Welsh. The
music died and he dropped his head and waited. He did not have long to wait for
the sounds of the 23rd Psalm, the tune Crimmond, to fill the room. Weeping, he
began, “The Lord’s my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He
maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he leadeth me beside the still waters.
” 
The Psalm ended and Peter turned to see Jennifer watching him closely.}

_{“Darling, I do owe
you some answers. I will explain and be truthful.”  He paused, wondering just
how little he could reveal and yet still satisfy this woman. He knew that he
would not reveal his total history. It was too horrendous.}

_{Should he tell the
complete truth with all its full gory details Jennifer would run. He would be
alone again. That was a risk he was not prepared to take.}

_{‘Darling, beautiful
sweetheart - he has expressed deep feelings for me.’  Jennifer’s thoughts raced
but she remained adamant. “I have some questions for you. I want answers.”}

_{Making no comment
Peter led her to the settee facing the view. He then placed the picture and
altar on the coffee table. Next, he took the commemorative plaque down from the
wall and positioned it on the table between them before squatting, Asian style,
on the floor opposite her, his sarong about him. He seemed a new man as he
looked at her, and the pain she saw before seemed to have flown.}

_{Those deadly looking kukris
were nearby and the inscription and coat of arms seemed to have a message for
her.}

_{New strength showed
in his bearing and his eyes. “You ask and I’ll answer truthfully. Should I
become upset bear with me, as I’ll be reliving hurtful memories. However, no
matter how
distressing
the
memories, I’ll be truthful. I owe you that. I can only hope that calling you
darling will still be acceptable when the questions end.”}

_{With his shoulders
drooped, he waited for the dreaded kiss of madam la guillotine.}

_{“Are you gay?”}

_{Peter’s head snapped
up and his face broke into a broad smile as he roared with laughter. Even his
eyes were laughing. “Whatever gave you that idea?”}

_{“Well, you kissed me
on the hair that first night and have never tried any funny business. It’s
almost as though you enjoy my company but don’t want me as a woman.”}

_{“My God, every time
I'm with you I'm on fire with my love and need for you. I have to fight my
baser, animal urges, as I don’t want a simple 'roll in the hay' with you. I
want you, totally and forever!”}

_{Grinning, Peter
enjoyed Jennifer’s furious blushes as he continued.}

_{“I want you
permanently. I want us to grow old together with our children around us but
that will only come if I can gain your trust and love. I'm not gay. I'm one
warm-blooded Australian Man and I want you and you alone. But...”}

_{He did not elaborate.}

_{Seeing Jennifer’s
confusion Peter threw his head back and laughed. “Darling, I'm not gay.”  He
paused before staring hard into her eyes. “Here, with you I have everything. Without
you I have nothing.”}

_{Peter smiled. “Does
that answer your question?  I 'm not gay. I'm a red-blooded, hot-blooded
hetero-sexual man but you're always safe with me. Next question.”}

_{“Are you a ballet
dancer?”}

_{Peter looked puzzled
until Jennifer continued. “At the bar you...”}

_{More peals of
laughter interrupted her. Chuckling he struggled to answer. “Me, a ballet
dancer?  Good God, no. Suffice to say I learned a few routines to amuse the
children last Christmas at Westmead Children’s Hospital where I also played
Santa Claus. I saw you laughing at my feeble efforts and it made all the hours
of endless rehearsals priceless.”}

_{Jennifer sat,
unbelieving at the new depth of character this man had revealed. She broke the
silence eventually.}

_{“The clothes?”}

_{“Your clothes,” Peter
corrected.}

_{“My clothes. How and
why?”}

_{“I contacted David
Jones, fashion department, and had the manageress send you three tickets to
their fashion parade and you accepted.”}

_{Listening intently,
Jennifer did not interrupt.}

_{“I had the fashion
buyer get your measurements and then select the clothes to match your
coloring.”}

_{“But why?”}

_{“Because it’s you. You
are the only woman in the world I...”  His voice trailed off into a hoarse
whisper and although Jennifer strained to hear his words, she failed.}

_{“Are you or have you
been a criminal?”}

_{“Whatever made you
ask that question?”  Peter looked puzzled.}

_{“Well, some Asian
countries flog criminals - and - your back...”  Jennifer couldn’t continue.}

_{Peter stood and
walked to her, then knelt, placing his head in her lap. “Feel the lash marks. Feel
my torment. Feel my vengeance.”}

_{Jennifer was shocked
at the vehemence in his voice and his sorrow. Gently she traced her fingers
across his shoulders, wondering at the scars that started at his hips or
perhaps lower and covered his whole back.}

_{Peter gently lowered
his sarong and her hands traced even more scars across his buttocks. Someone
had flogged him many times - unmercifully. There was not a single inch of flesh
from his buttocks to his shoulders that was free of the lash scars.}

_{Carefully, he
refitted his sarong before standing proudly before her.}

_{‘This is my Peter,'
were Jennifer’s first thoughts. 'He is so proud and so straight.'}

_{He turned and seemed
to fiddle with the altar on the table before laying a small cigarette-like
piece of bamboo before her and unsheathing one of the deadly looking Kukris.}

_{Jennifer noted that
he nicked himself so there was blood on the blade when he laid it beside the
piece of bamboo. Shuddering she knew his story was about to be told.}

_{“You asked me what
the inscription says, and I wouldn’t tell you. Now I confess. The inscription
says,” and Jennifer marveled at the change in her man - he stood taller in military
pose and looking straight ahead, as his fingers traced the words, he
translated.}

_{“To Honorary Major of
the 6th Gurkha Brigade, Peter O'Brien. Let no man be fooled The Little One is a
man to be feared.”}

_{Slowly Peter dropped
to his knees before Jennifer. “Yes. I am The Little One, but don’t mistake its
meaning. I was the youngest Honorary Major of all time. I was sixteen.”}

_{Jennifer tried to
interrupt but Peter just put his fingers to her lips to hush her.}

_{“Wait!  The story has
only just started.”}

_{He sat her down
before him – simply on the floor, and began his story.}

_{“My parents and I
were living in Penang, Malaysia. I was six when I arrived home from school one
day. Hearing moans and groans coming from the direction of my parents' bedroom
I rushed in to see a very large, very ugly Chinese between my naked mother’s
legs while she rolled her head from side to side moaning. 'Oh God, no. Please
no!  You mustn’t. My husband...’”}

_{With tears in his
eyes, Peter squeezed Jennifer’s hands as he took a deep breath before
continuing.}

_{“I leapt on the back
of the Chinese and beat him with my fists. Laughing, the Chinese hurled me
against a wall and bellowed to the cook, to take The Little One out.}

_{“Our cook and our
amah took me out into the servants' quarters to impress on me the need to say
nothing to my father.”}

_{Putting his head in
Jennifer’s lap Peter paused but held her hands tightly in his as if seeking her
strength to help him to continue.}