Without You (18 page)

He didn’t hesitate. “You got it.”

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M
ADISON

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I
sat in a hotel room where no one could find me. Tear moistened tissues covered the bed. A forty-four ounce Dr. Pepper with melted ice sat on the bedside table with a ring of condensation pooled at the bottom of the cup. And a half eaten bag of Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles and Oreos lay at my feet.

This was not good.

I couldn’t stop myself from reading Evan’s text messages over and over. God, how I wanted him to find me, bust open the door, and take me into his arms. But how long would that last? He said he wasn’t leaving but a three-year commitment, that he more than likely signed, said otherwise.

With the TV on, I laid there in bed sniffling, watching cheesy made-for-TV romance movies that only made me cry more. I woke up late in the evening and got up to use the bathroom. My eyes were swollen beyond repair. No amount of ice was going to get them back to normal by the next morning and I had to go to work. I brought up the Internet on my phone and requested a substitute teacher. There was no way I could face my classes, or anyone for that matter, looking broken like I did.

The notifications on my phone told me I had several unread text messages.

Most of them were from Evan, but there was one from my mom and one from Genna.

I opened the one from my mom first.

HI HONEY. TOO BAD WE MISSED YOU TODAY. THE MORTONS CALLED AND INVITED US UP TO GO FISHING SO WE’LL BE GONE FOR THE WEEK. WE’LL CALL YOU WHEN WE GET BACK SO YOU AND EVAN CAN COME UP.

I sent her a quick reply telling her to have fun. I wasn’t about to get into the details of why Evan and I were never going to be visiting together.

The one from Genna wasn’t so cheery.

CALL ME NOW BEFORE I CALL YOUR MOTHER. THIS WARNING EXPIRES AT MIDNIGHT.

Checking the time, I groaned. I had an hour to call her or she’d follow through on her threat. My mom would worry and instead of going fishing, she’d make my dad drive her down the mountain to check on me.

I dialed the number and waited for Genna to answer.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” she yelled into the phone. This didn’t sound like a woman on her honeymoon.

I began to respond, but I was a stuttering, blubbering mess. “I...he...” I didn’t have the words. The tears just came and I could barely catch my breath. “Why are you yelling at me?” I cried.

“Because you’re a dumbass, Madison Grey. That’s why.” She groaned into the phone and cursed. “I’m supposed to be having crazy, wild sex in every room in my hotel suite and on every part of the island, and instead I’m listening to both you and Evan cry from three thousand miles away.”

The image of Evan shedding a tear made me sob even harder. My heart broke even more. I never wanted to hurt him.

“Do you even know what happened?” I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer. She was angry with me, so she must have thought this pain was all my fault.

“Yes, missy. I know that you read a text sent to Evan by his manager. I know that you don’t know shit about what that text meant. And I also know that instead of giving Evan the chance to explain, you ran away. Both of you are alone right now, heartbroken and beat up because you chose not to communicate.”

“Then tell me. What didn’t I understand about that text, Gen? Explain it to me,” I said.

She puffed out a breath of air into the phone. “Pfft. That’s for Evan to share. Not me. You know I don’t share your secrets,” she replied.

“You didn’t have any problem telling me how his eyes were empty when you saw him when he was on tour. You threw that in my face so I’d give him a second chance and believe that he loved me. Now, you want to stay silent?” I asked, raising my voice with each word.

“Don’t piss me off. Right now, you’re on a need-to-know basis. All you need to know is that you fucked this up royally. Other than that, you don’t need to know shit.” She paused, taking a deep breath. I could hear the anger in her voice, but it only made me more frustrated. “You pushed him away once, Maddy. Don’t do it again.”

“Yeah, I pushed him away before, because he didn’t love me enough to hold onto me when he got his deal. I wasn’t the only one pushing.”

“But he changed, Maddy. He truly changed. He’d do anything for you and you know it. But you think you know something and you jump to false conclusions. If you’re lucky, he’ll give you a second chance like you gave him. So fix this shit before I get back, or I am calling your mother.”

She ended the call just as I heard Luke say, “Wow, baby. You told her.”

They were both against me. Why did she say I didn’t know shit about what the text meant? It was pretty clear to me. Three-year contract. Be sure this is what you want. The media got wind of it? Sounded like a tour to me. A world tour for that length of time. Maybe the time line included the making of the album. Who knew? I’m not in the industry, but what else could it have been? I wasn’t stupid. I knew exactly who Evan was. He was an extraordinarily talented musician who the world loved. Why was I so surprised that he’d leave? I was only one person to love him, when there were billions out there who wanted to show him what he meant to them.

My phone was still grasped tightly in my hand but I didn’t read Evan’s texts. I cleared the notifications, but they remained unread as I climbed back into bed and dozed off sniffling like a baby who cried herself to sleep.

When I awoke, my head ached and I didn’t have any painkillers. I was thirsty and hungry, so I sucked back a few gulps of my watered-down, flat Dr. Pepper from the night before. Then, I ate some chips and cookies. I didn’t bother getting up to wash my face or brush my teeth. I turned on the TV and began another day of mindless movie watching.

By three in the afternoon, I had only gotten out of bed to pee and pour a glass of water from the sink. I sank further into the pillows seeking comfort that would only come from being in Evan’s arms again. But that wasn’t going to happen.

Reaching for my phone, I noticed immediately that I had more texts than I could fathom. I scrolled past several messages from Evan to one from Genna.

WAKE YOUR ASS UP. YOU HAVE 5 DAYS TO FIX IT. DON’T MAKE ME COME HOME EARLY BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO HARDHEADED FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

She may have been right. Both the early messages from Evan coupled with hers had me interested. If I was reading it all wrong, what was I missing?

With my eyes focused on the screen of my phone, I tapped on Evan’s name. A string of messages came into view, but I focused on the most recent one.

JUST LET ME KNOW YOU’RE SAFE. PLEASE. I LOVE YOU, SUNSHINE.

Fiercely, I rubbed my hands together trying to figure out something to say.

DON’T WORRY. I’M FINE.

I wanted to finish it with “I love you, too”, but it didn’t feel right. I still didn’t understand what was happening. All I knew was that it appeared that Evan was leaving for an extended period of time and instead of coming clean about it, he didn’t say a word. In his texts, he tried to assure me he wasn’t going anywhere, which made no sense at all. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I assumed something that was not true. It still didn’t mean that Evan hadn’t kept something from me. Something so big he had to sign a legal binding contract that committed him to who-knows-what or who for three friggin’ years. That I know was the truth. Evan couldn’t get around that.

My phone buzzed in my hands.

THANK YOU.

I didn’t respond and for the rest of the evening my phone was silent. Often, my throat tightened and my eyes stung, but the tears didn’t come. Surely, I was dehydrated, incapable of shedding any more. In the morning, I got up and dusted myself off. I wasn’t going to do the heartbroken woman, not in front of my students. I took a shower, got ready for the day, packed my car, checked out of the hotel, and left to work.

When I walked into my classroom, I was shocked to see a vase full of yellow daisies on my desk. I sat down and stared at them for a few minutes. Setting my bags on the floor, I noticed a piece of paper that had fallen. It was a note from my substitute telling me my classes were perfect and that a delivery of flowers had come for me. She told me I was a lucky girl. Yeah, really lucky.

I ran my fingers across the petals. From a plastic pick stuck in the vase, I plucked a small envelope with a card tucked inside.

A bouquet of daisies

Innocent and sweet

Remind me that I’m

Without you...

I love you, Sunshine.

P.S. And it hurts.

He didn’t sign the card. He didn’t need to. It was my song. A single tear slid down my cheek. I dabbed at it with a tissue so I wouldn’t ruin my makeup. Then, I put my flowers in the corner of the room on a bookshelf and got ready for my students to arrive.

At lunchtime, another delivery of daisies showed up in my room.

Eagerly, I reached for the card wondering what he might write this time.

You’re my sunshine

My breath of fresh air

But now my world is dark

Without you...

I love you.

“Are those from Evan?” Abbi asked when my class came in, a smile tipping the corners of her mouth.

My words were stuck in my throat so I smiled back.

“He’s so romantic,” another female student said.

I wanted to correct her. He’s in the doghouse. There’s a difference. But I didn’t. I let her believe in the romance. These girls still believed in fairy-tale endings and happily ever afters.

When I returned home that night, my house was eerily silent. My phone didn’t ring, not with a call and not with a text. I checked it more times than I could count. I even took out the battery and put it back in, not believing that both Evan and Genna had given it a rest. If I was being honest, I was lonely. My heartbreak was the only thing keeping my company as I slid under the covers of my bed, still dressed in my work clothes, and fell asleep. My mind and my heart needed the rest. I couldn’t stay up all night staring at my phone, hoping that he would call, but knowing I wouldn’t answer it anyway.

Wednesday, I received more daisies. A gorgeous topiary of bright pink Gerbera daisies to be exact.

I want to sway with you

In the moonlight

Dance on your wedding night

But I can’t...

Without you.

Love you.

This time, I had to excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. I knew I was going to break down. Why was he doing this to me? At work? He had to know it would affect me in a way that couldn’t be hidden from the students. Thankfully, I had ten minutes to recover before lunch was over and my classroom filled. I breathed through the pain in my heart, taking deep breaths in through my nose and exhaling from my mouth. I held off the tears this time, but who knew what would be in store for tomorrow.

That night, I went home and ate a bowl of Spaghetti-Os. I had wanted to drown my sorrow in a giant bowl of Cheerios with three scoops of sugar, but the damn box only had a few bites left. Just looking inside at the hollow cardboard box made me tear up. My bad habit always drove Evan crazy. When I was finished with the pasta, I left my dirty dish in the sink and took a long hot shower. I hadn’t bathed the night before or in the morning. I was lucky to make it out of the house with my teeth brushed. I was operating on a faulty autopilot. My sense of awareness came and went. Sometimes I was completely alert, while other times I was caught in a daze. But mostly, I was a hot mess. When I went to bed, I cranked on the AC and snuggled into my comforter needing to feel the warmth of something holding me tight. I dozed thinking that I needed to snap out of it and that the next day was going to be better.

But, Thursday was no different. I swear he was trying to kill me with his lyrics. If the pain in his voice wasn’t enough when I heard him sing the song, it was even worse scrawled out on paper. I traced the border of the card with my fingers. My chest squeezed with hurt, my eyes throbbed from holding back tears. I still loved him. And I wanted to go to home, back to him, but something was stopping me. I read the verse again.

But I’m willing to fight

Do all the things that are right

I need you to be my light

Because I don’t ever want to be...

Without you.

Friday, the flowers arrived like clockwork. They were beautiful, a small arrangement of wildflowers. When I read the card, there was little I could do to fend off the sobs that rocked through my body. I had to go home. Evan hit me with a new verse.

Tell me you still love me

Like you know I love you

There’s no point in staying...

Without you.

The words tore through my heart like a bomb full of shrapnel. I hurt everywhere. The tingles he used to send zipping from my head to my toes were now daggers chipping away at our love. Trying to sound unaffected, I called the office to ask for a sub for the remainder of the day. I opened my desk, grabbed the other cards, tossed them all in my purse and left.

I was almost out to my car when I heard someone yelling my name. Looking over my shoulder, I could see that it was Abbi. She ran down the grassy hill to the staff parking lot. I tried to wipe away the evidence of my sobbing fest.

“What’s up, Abbi?” I asked as she got closer.

She was out of breath, but she spoke anyway. “I was trying to catch you.” She plopped her hands on her knees, taking deep breaths. “I want to invite you to my show Sunday. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to do it, but it worked out.”

“Show? What are you doing?”

She stood, holding her hand to her side. Thankfully I had my sunglasses on, so that when she eventually caught her breath and raised her eyes, she wouldn’t see my tears. “I’m singing. It’s like an open mic night for kids. It’s something new, I guess. You have to be seventeen or younger to participate and they only do it on Sunday afternoons. Not when the club is open for the
nightlife
.” She raised her fingers to hang air quotes over nightlife, like it was so trivial to her. “Please come. Some of the other kids from class are going too. It would mean a lot to me for you to be there.”