Within These Walls (20 page)

As the last remaining bits of consciousness were swallowed up by darkness, I swore that I heard him say, “Because I love you.”

I HATED LEAVING her, but I had to make arrangements. I had plans, ones that involved favors and provisions. I listened to her breaths even out as her head shifted lazily to the side. I pulled the notebook out from her grasp and set it on the tray table beside her. I didn’t bother sneaking a peek at the mysterious list hidden within.

I’d already done that. I might be an asshole for disrespecting her wishes, but I’d had good intentions. I wanted to make each and every one of her dreams come true—minus the one I’d promised her would never happen. I couldn’t help but want to surprise her a little along the way.

Lying in bed with her while creating a vision of us walking along the countryside of Ireland had given me an idea.

Place holders.

What if I could do that with more of her dreams?

She was stuck here within the walls of this hospital, but that didn’t mean she had to be walled in.

So, while her eyes were closed, I’d snuck a peek.

I’d respected her enough not to look at the top of the list. I knew number one was off-limits, and honestly, I wanted her to share it with me when she was ready. It was obviously important to her. So, in my five-second glance while her eyes were closed and her mind was across the Atlantic, I’d found my first place card.

And now, I was on a mission.

“You’re insane.” Grace laughed after I’d explained my plan for the evening. She was behind the nurses’ station, checking charts and punching things into the computer.

I leaned forward, shaking my head at her ridiculous attire. She was wearing Minnie Mouse scrubs today. Each Minnie Mouse scattered all over her was dressed in a pair of tiny pink scrubs. It was nauseating, but on her, it seemed to fit.

“You’re not the first person to tell me that today. Will you help me?” I asked.

“I’d do anything for Lailah. What do you need?”

I went over my plan, watching as her eyes lit up and softened. She nodded her head and offered her help where she could. I left a few minutes later, ready to tackle my next task. I was grateful Lailah had an amazing friend like Grace.

I’d barely made it down the hall when I heard my name being called out behind me. I swiveled around and found Margaret and her itchy wool suit hot on my tail.

“Jude, you’re just the person I was looking for. Care to take a walk with me to my office?” she asked as she tugged at the hem of her blazer.

“Sure, but you know I’m not actually clocked in, right?”

She took in my appearance and gave a hesitant nod. “Yes, I’m aware, but I’m afraid this can’t wait.”

Fuck.

I followed her to the elevator where we took one silent, awkward ride down to the floor where HR was located. When the door opened, I motioned for her to exit first, and I followed behind, letting my mind run rampant as I thought about my less than stellar behavior over the past few days.

She is going to fire me.

My plans, my precious plans, will be destroyed.

As Margaret unlocked the door to her office, it dawned on me that with the idea of losing my job, my first thought had been the idea that I wouldn’t be able to carry through with my plans for fulfilling Lailah’s Someday list. It’d had nothing to do with sitting on the bench, staring into the room where Megan had died.

I shoved that thought back down to the recess of my brain to ponder another day, and I took a seat across from Margaret in the sparse small office. She leaned back in her chair and folded her hands neatly in front of her. Her eyes darted down at the scattered papers on her desk and then back up at me. She didn’t want to be here either.

“I heard you’ve been spending a lot of time with a certain patient, Jude.”

“Yes, I have,” I answered, not bothering to elaborate or explain.

“I was told you might have feelings for this patient that go beyond professional.”

“I do.”

She let out a long sigh. “Look, the hospital can’t do anything unless the patient or her family file a complaint—”

“And have they?” I asked, interrupting her.

“No.”

“So, why am I here, Margaret?” I asked coldly.

“Because there has been some concern about your job performance, Jude. You made quite the commotion the other night, and it didn’t go unnoticed. I get that you feel for this girl—”

“I love her,” I corrected.

Her eyes widened at my confession, and she immediately diverted her attention back down to her desk. “You just need to be careful.”

“Are you reprimanding me or moving me to another department?”

“No. No, I’m not doing anything yet. I just want you to be more cautious,” she warned, her gaze finally meeting mine.

I saw compassion and understanding in those watery blue depths. The firm grip I didn’t realize I’d had on the chair suddenly lessened, and I sank back slightly. “I’ll do that. Thank you for looking out for me.”

“Of course, Jude. That’s all I’ve ever tried to do,” she said with sincerity and warmth.

It was the same warmth she’d had when she found me swimming in grief, unable to leave the hallways where I’d lost my fiancée. It was the same emotional qualities she’d probably had when she placed that bench along that lonely wall so that I’d have a place to sit, knowing it was useless to assume I’d move on without Megan.

But I had.

Somehow, I’d managed the impossible, and even though my heart still felt like it was slowly mending itself back together again from a horrendous accident, I was moving forward again.

Lailah was my way out of that hallway and back to the land of the living.

“Hey, Margaret, can I ask you for a favor?” I leaned forward.

Anticipation replaced fear as my plans for the evening took shape.

Curious, prying eyes followed me as I tried to carry in one single load what probably should have been three. Bags were slung over my shoulders, grocery sacks were in my hands, and about a million other things were stuffed anywhere else I could fit them.

With the two fingers I had free, I managed to pry open Lailah’s door, not bothering to knock. The noise I had made as everything balanced on my shoulders fell forward against the door was an announcement in itself. I pushed forward and nearly fell on my ass. I really should have made two trips, but I’d known when I got up here and saw her, I wouldn’t want to leave.

When I heard her giggle, I looked up and melted.

“Are you moving in?” she asked, her champagne-blonde locks brushed the bare skin of her knees as she bent over her journal. Her blue eyes sparkled with amusement at the sight of me tumbling into her room.

In that moment, I knew I’d do anything to bring that smile to her face.

“Do you think they’d let me?” I began the lengthy process of setting things down—first, the grocery bags and then the large equipment strapped to my back.

“Hmm…I don’t know. The bed is awfully small for two people,” she replied.

I glanced up just in time to see her eyes widen at the realization of her words. The way she’d said it had been light and joking, but all I’d heard was the possibility of the two of us back in bed together.

“I mean, you know…it would just be uncomfortably small. I might kick you and steal the covers and—”

“I think I could manage.” I grinned, letting my gaze run down the length of her body.

The gray shorts she was wearing did little to cover her long legs, and I had trouble tearing my eyes away from her milky white skin. She was usually so covered due to the frigid temperatures of the hospital that it was rare to see so much of her.

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked, immediately stalking forward to feel her cheeks and forehead.

“Yes, fine. Why?”

“You’re usually more bundled than this,” I said, motioning to her bare legs.

“Oh, I, um…” she fumbled over her words, turning red and casting her gaze downward.

“You, um, what?” I asked softly, brushing my fingers over her thigh.

“I don’t have anything nice to dress up in, but I thought I could at least try to look…sexy.”

Her eyes were transfixed on the caress of my hand against her skin. She took in a gulp of air and released it slowly as I sank down next to her.

“You could be in a designer dress or a hospital gown, and I’d still find you irresistibly sexy either way. It doesn’t matter to me what you wear…or don’t wear,” I added with a smirk. “I’m attracted to you—your laugh, your voice, the sexy way your breath catches when I kiss you. None of that has anything to do with what you choose to put on your body.”

As soon as the last word left my lips, she was on me, kissing me with passion I hadn’t known she possessed. Just when I’d thought I figured out this shy, innocent girl of mine, she’d knock me flat on my back and remind me just what an amazing mystery she was to discover.

Pulling back, she gave me a pleased, happy smile, letting me know that she was very happy with herself.

“So, does this mean I should change into pants then?” she asked, placing her hand over mine and running it down the length of her thigh.

I
nnocent, my ass. This girl is a quick learner.

“No, these are fine. I mean, we don’t want to make more laundry for your mom,” I answered, digging my fingers into her flesh.

A sheepish grin appeared on her face, and she tried to cover it with her hand.

“So, if you’re not moving in, what’s with all the stuff?”

“Well, first, you have to promise me that you won’t get mad at me?” I said, bracing for possible impact.

“Why? What did you do? Does it involve my mother somehow? Or something embarrassing? Oh God, is it something involving my mother, and it’s embarrassing?”

I let out a chuckle. “No, nothing to do with family members and nothing embarrassing.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“I took a peek at your list today,” I said quickly.

Her eyes grew. “You said it wasn’t embarrassing!”

“It’s not,” I said quickly, holding my hands up in defense. “I swear, it was a quick peek, and I didn’t look anywhere near the top. I wanted to surprise you with something, and I couldn’t do that without looking on my own.”

She let out a disgruntled breath. “Promise you didn’t see anything that would make me cringe?”

“There was this one thing that involved whipped cream…” I started, trying to keep a straight face.

When her startled face flew up to mine, I couldn’t contain the laughter that came spilling out.

“I’m kidding!”

She playfully slapped my arm and rolled her eyes.

“I held your hair back while you were sick, and I nursed you back to health. You’ll have to do a hell of a lot more than letting me see a notebook full of secret wishes to send me running.”

“Does it bother you that I haven’t told you all of them yet?” she asked, suddenly sobering.

“No, not at all. Don’t take my single glance as anything more than I wanted to give you a special night. I know that notebook is sacred to you, and the fact that you’ve shared any of it with me is an honor. Every time you share another wish or dream from it is like unraveling another layer of you. It helps me get to know the woman I’ve fallen—come to care about so much.”

Coward.

I could admit my feelings to myself and even Dr. Marcus. Hell, I could probably tell anyone passing by in the hallway, but when faced with telling the woman I loved, I’d choked.

Part of me was still roaming that lonely hallway downstairs, mourning the loss of a woman I’d never have, a life I’d never have. As much as I knew it was over and I was moving on, I was scared to do so.

Telling Lailah I loved her was final. There would be no turning back from that moment on, and I knew the second I did so, I’d have to say good-bye to the ghost I’d held on to for far too long.

Two paths and two very different lives were before me.

I needed to find a way to let go of one.