Within (9 page)

Alone… I was alone…

I opened my eyes back up, placing my right hand over my mouth and my left over my chest. I begin to weep as my aunt looked at me, frozen in her stance. I didn't really understand what my dad and aunt tried to tell me before, but seeing it through my own eyes; I get it.

“I get it!” I cried. “I get it! They were never real!” I said, crying harder, I felt my knees buckle as if I was about to pass out.

“Why would you do this to me?”

“You have to stand in your truth, Krys, you shouldn't have to hide behind those two people anymore.”

I covered my face with my hands, crying harder, “This truth is painful and a constant reminder as to… As to…” I stopped; sliding my hands down my face, I looked at my aunt and then back at my hands that were now suddenly smeared with blood.

“Aunt Courtney?”

I ran to the kitchen sink, turning on the water and letting it run until it was scalding hot, and then placed my hands underneath it.

“What are you doing? What's wrong?” she asked, running up behind me.

I ignored her and poured the last bit of the green Dawn dishwashing liquid on my hands, scrubbing.

“Krystle!”

“The blood!”

“What? Where are you bleeding?”

“The blood that's on my hands!” I screamed.

“I don't see any! There is no blood anywhere!” She turned off the water; then grabbed a dish rag. “Look!”

She slid the towel from my wrist to the tip of my fingers, exposing my hands for what they really were. There was no blood, only blistering caused by the hot water. I stood there in disbelief, looking them over from the back to the front.

“But it was there,” I whispered, still examining them.

“We have to get you to a hospital; that looks bad, Krystle, let me see.”

“But the blood…” My mind began to crowd with words and whispers from past conversations.

I could hear them all in my head, from Bishop to Akira, and FiFi.

“Have you looked at your hands in a while, Krystle?” Akira’s voice repeated.

“Remember what happened, but it will only start after you take your medication,” FiFi’s voice trailed in.

“You will rot in hell for what you did!” I heard Bishop's voice boom.

My mind was going in circles, repeating the loud, congested whispers of my past.

I can't remember when it stopped and I snapped out of it; the next thing I knew, I was lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by the two people that have been lying to me.

“What happened?” I asked, trying to sit up.

“Relax,” my father spoke softly, “you burned your hands pretty bad.”

“We think you passed out from shock.”

“I have to go.”

“No, you have to rest,” Aunt Courtney said, putting her hand on my chest, pushing me back down.

“Y'all don't understand, Bishop's blood is on my hands, and I need to know why.”

They both looked at me, then at each other, and then back at me.

“Baby…” my dad started.

“No! Y'all wanted me to start taking that shit; unknowingly I did, and now we all have to suffer the consequences of my memory. Those days are very vague, I need answers.”

“Where do you wanna go?”

“Courtney!”

“Hush Tony, she's right! Krystle, where do you wanna go?”

I looked at my father before answering, and then back at my aunt. “My apartment and the Motel 6.”

“Do you understand the lengths you are trying to go; just to remember something you didn't want to remember just a couple of months ago? This is ridiculous!” he spat.

“Daddy, if I want to be able to start to rebuild my life back, I have to forgive myself.”

“Well, do it! Forgive yourself, but not like this, please not like this.”

“I have to know what I'm trying to forgive myself for.”

He sighed deeply then shook his head. “No good is going to come from this.”

“Daddy please.”

He never responded to me; he shook his head again, while walking out of the room.

“I take it you're angry with me too.”

“I can't be, can I? I'm the one who started this; I put the meds in your food. Are you angry at me?”

“When I was younger, you used to tell me, ‘the ultimate ignorance is the rejection of something you know nothing about yet refuse to investigate it’.
Do you remember that?”

“Yes,” she smiled, wiping a tear from her left eye, “I remember.”

“Should I continue to be ignorant?”

“You've been ignorant for too long, baby girl; we have to talk.”

“Can it wait? I have to try and piece these things together and figure out what am I going to do.”

“Sure, it can wait. But I guess in the meantime, you must investigate,” Aunt Courtney said with a nod.

***************************

Ten days later, I was released from the hospital; my hands didn't sting as much as they did before, but they were still a bit tender. My father still didn't agree to what I wanted to do, even though he didn't want me to go ahead with my plan, I refused to let that stop me. As I was sitting there, waiting on my aunt to pick me up, I found myself gazing out the window, lost in my thoughts, when an all too familiar voice spoke loudly.

“What the hell do you think you're about to do? You think what you about to do is gon’ solve yo problems?”

I stayed quiet, trying not to give Akira any energy, but it seemed the more I ignored her, the louder she became. I took in three big breaths attempting to center myself. It seemed to be working, but I knew it wouldn't hold her too long. Quickly, I opened the bag that held my things and reached for the pill bottle, shaking two into my hand.

“Excuse me?” I asked, softly walking up to the help desk. “Is there a water fountain or something nearby?”

“Go straight; make a left by the gift shop and you'll see it on your right.” She smiled.

“Thank you.”

I sped walked to the fountain and as soon as I got there, I popped the pills and drank some water.

“You can't contain me for long,” I heard the voice say silently. It got lower and lower, until it was no longer there. I hate to admit it, but Akira was probably right, I can feel her getting stronger, the one moment I forget to take that pill. I took another sip of water and then rushed back to my things.

“Excuse me ma'am, but did you see someone take my stuff?” The receptionist just smiled at me and pointed outside. I told her thank you once more, and headed in the direction she pointed.

Aunt Courtney was standing by the passenger side, while my daddy was putting my bags in the car.

“Why is he here?”

“I'm here, because I'm learning to be supportive. I didn't give you a chance when your illness began to show, and I'm sorry for that. When you spoke about forgiveness; it made me think, maybe I should start from the beginning myself.”

“Forgiveness from whom?” I asked, confused.

I sat in the car as my father and aunt begin to tell me a long story about what Grandma had done to me, when I was just a baby. My mind wandered off, thinking maybe if I focused long and hard enough, I could remember or recollect what they were telling me, but I got nothing.

“So y'all want us to forgive someone that tried to roast me, someone that I don't even know?” I asked, breaking my silence.

“No Krystle, this will be my forgiveness, something I have to do. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.”

“I don't plan on it,” I said, sucking my teeth.

“All I'm saying is you've helped me realize some things and… Look, what kind of example am I setting as your dad, if I can't do the same thing you're doing?” he asked, parking the car.

We got out and headed inside The Hamptons assisted living facilities; it reminded me of a nursing home, but with the people being more mobile. When we got to her room we knocked, but it meant nothing, because Aunt Courtney opened the door with a key anyway.

She was sitting in an older cloth recliner, looking out a window when we walked in.

“Hey Ma, I brought you some company.”

“You stopped coming by, so I assume you've been busy,” she said, slightly rocking back and forth, still looking out the window.

“Yeah a bit, did you hear what I said though? I brought some people to see you,” Aunt Courtney said, walking a little closer.

“I heard you the first time gal, I haven't even put on my wig.”

“It's alright, Ma, you don't need it,” Aunt Courtney said, smiling slightly.

“If she wants to put on her wig, she can,” my dad spoke, taking a couple of steps up, now standing beside his sister.

“Tony?” she asked, turning her attention towards him.

He didn't respond; he just kept quiet as she stared at him as if she'd seen a ghost.

“Umm, this is Krystle your grand…” he began motioning towards me.

“I know exactly who she is; I never forget my blood right, Courtney? We never forget our flesh. What you bring her here for? Oh… I know,” she said, standing and walking slowly up to me. “What you going through gal is deeper than what you think, it started before you can even remember, and I blame these two right here.”

We stood eye-to-eye, until I began to feel weird and start to fidget. The story I was told in the car frightened and pissed me off all at once.

“Lift your head, gal, what you ashamed of, being like me? I ain't ashamed and I can't help for what God made me. Why should you?”

I did what she asked and looked her dead in the face, while tears filled my eyes.

“Wipe that shit away, do you identify as crazy? If you don't then adapt, you have to learn how to channel certain things, nothing happens unless you allow it!” she said, poking me in my chest. “Play the got damn hand you were dealt and stop being a bitch about it!”

“That's enough; don't talk to her like that!” Aunt Courtney yelled, taking a few more steps closer.

She ignored her request and continued to talk. “Deal with it, you ain't no basket case. Where do you see yourself in a year?”

“I don't know,” I responded.

“Yes you do. So again I ask you, where do you see yourself in a year?”

“I told you I don't fuckin’ know! What's her problem?” I asked, looking back at my aunt and dad. “You act like I did something to you, let's not forget you tried to roast my ass with carrots and shit! I have zero respect for you, and you don't deserve my father's forgiveness!”

“Dead, that's where your ass will be in less than a year. You ain't strong enough,” she grinned.

My dad pushed me back from his mother and then stepped up to her. “Don't you ever talk to my child like that!”

“My child you say? Is that right? You and Courtney act all high and mighty, hiding shit. Y'all act as if I'm the reason she's the way she is, but I bet… I bet you haven't even told her.”

“Told me what?” I asked, looking at all three of my elders, one by one.

“Let's go; Courtney, we should have never come here!” Dad yelled, grabbing my arm.

“You know schizophrenia is a women’s gene in our family, don't you Krystle? It skips the males!” she shouted, as we walked out the door.

“I thought you changed, but you ain't shit!” Aunt Courtney yelled, as she slammed the door.

I heard a loud obnoxious laugh come from behind the door, while we walked down the hallway from her room. My mind began to spin as all their faces popped up in my head. I snatched my arm away from him and stopped walking.

“You know it's a female gene.”
Replayed in my head, as I stood there, again lost in my thoughts.

“Krystle, baby, let's go,” Aunt Courtney said attempting to grab for me.

“What did she mean by that?”

“Krystle! Let's go now!” my dad yelled.

“What did she mean about it's a female gene?” I asked, matching his tone.

“Why the hell are you paying any attention to what she said? She's crazy!” my dad said angrily, walking up to me.

“Like me?” I asked, rolling my eyes and walking away from him towards my aunt. “You tell me to stand in my truth, now it's time you stand in yours. What does she mean?”

Chapter Eleven

COURTNEY

“Krystle, this makes no sense; can we go?”

“Are you my damn mother or not?”

I could go off, but I didn't, knowing how angry she was. I let my thoughts consume me for just a second; then looked at my brother, trying to read his face, but got no reaction.

I sighed loudly and then answered her. “I'll tell you everything you want to know when we get to the house, just not right here... not right now.”

She stomped past us, walked to the elevator and pressed the down button.

“When we get home, I want to know everything!” she demanded.

The elevator dinged as she got on without us. When the door shut, all Tony did was stare at me and then asked, “Are you happy now, Courtney?”