With Every Breath (27 page)

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you need to decide what you want to be when you grow up instead of blaming me for everything you don’t have. You want to go to school? Fine. Go. I never told you to quit school. You did that on your own. I told you we could swing it financially. You didn’t want to work, so you stayed home. Great. I love that you were home with Micky, that you were both right here beside the shop. If that was what you wanted. But it wasn’t, because you blamed me for you wasting your life as a stay-at-home mom. I don’t know what you want, Kensie. You don’t know what you want. It wouldn’t be fair to me or to Micky for you to come back here, only to pack your bags and disappear while I’m not home. Do you not understand?”

“You’re a piece of shit, you know that?” She seethed, and Cole braced himself for what he knew would come. “You’re not perfect! You just think you’re perfect. You ruined my life. I was just fine until you got me pregnant. I was happy. And now I have nothing. Nothing.”

“I gave you whatever you wanted,” he said, though he wasn’t sure why he even tried. She wouldn’t hear a word he said. She never had.

“Don’t you think I would love to be a part-time mom like you get to be a part-time dad? It would be so nice if I could just come home and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, fuck whatever tramp I wanted.” She stormed to the kitchen doorway. “But no. I have to be a mom and raise our kid so you can fuck around and do what men do best—nothing.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to be a part-time dad. That was your choice for me. And honestly, it sounds like you need a break. Why don’t you let Micky stay here for a while? Until you figure things out.”

She shook her head quickly, enraged. “No. No way are you having my son.”

“He’s our son.”

“You’re not getting him. I’ll never let you have him.”

He sighed. “I don’t want you to have to do everything on your own. Don’t you see? I don’t think you should have to. Let me have him more. Let me have him for the rest of the month, the next two months, whatever you need. Then you can have some free time. You can have my weekends, every other weekend.” Cole had to hold his voice in check so he wouldn’t sound as desperate as he felt. He wanted this so much it hurt. Please say yes. He held his breath and waited for her to answer.

With a thoughtful squint, she shook her head. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

Cole watched the empty doorway after she left. His heart pounded so hard in his chest it was a wonder he didn’t wake the neighborhood. He shoved back from the table and stood. “What the fuck was that?”

He pulled a six pack from the fridge and left the house as quietly as he’d come in. He took the path to the shop out back. The only way he knew how to work through his thoughts, and calm his mind, was to work on something. He could control that, and he needed a little control in his life. Nothing was the way it should be. All he wanted was his son and Jaden, and a normal life.

Then go get her. The idea surfaced and he couldn’t shake it. He let her go. Twice. This time, he wasn’t giving up on happiness. This time, he would get the girl.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Jaden stepped out of the terminal, rolling her carry-on behind her. She’d spent the last leg of her flight with a woman clutching her arm and repeating, “I don’t want to die. Please, God, let us land,” followed by the Lord’s Prayer. Her forearm was bruised, and her nerves were fried. She’d never been afraid of flying, but having someone beside her reciting plane crash statistics made the flight agonizingly long.

She had two weeks off before the network sent her to Croatia. All she wanted was takeout, TV, and a soft bed.

When she finally let herself into her apartment, it was to the same resounding silence that always greeted her.

Jaden set her purse on the sofa table, then collapsed into an overstuffed lounge. Maybe she’d order Thai for two, and eat until she couldn't move. Then fall asleep right here. It sounded disgusting and heavenly at the same time.

Life hadn’t waited for her while she was gone. Her voicemail was filled with unanswered messages. Most of them were from Ellie. Her mother’s neighbor told her that Jaden went to the trailer, and she’d been leaving messages for weeks now. The messages were mentally exhausting, the hope in Ellie’s voice like a knife in her heart.

A part of her wanted to stay angry, but mostly she wanted to see a version of her mother she’d always yearned for. She wished it were simple, but years of pain and disappointment were hard to forget. It had left her bitter. Untrusting. Broken. Forgiveness wouldn’t be easy, and she worried she wasn’t capable of offering it to Ellie.

She closed her eyes, and the silence pressed in on her. Loneliness had never plagued her before, but suddenly it was unbearable.

“Ridiculous,” she mumbled, and stood. The idea of sitting alone in her apartment made her want to break things. Shaking her head, she grabbed her purse on her way past the table. She was good on her own. It’s how she liked her life. A free bird, that’s what she was.

So why did she feel so damn empty?

She yanked the door open and rushed out, straight into a fist raised to knock. A thumb poked her in the eye before she could blink and she stumbled back, covering her eye with her hand.

He grabbed her before she backed into the entryway table. “Are you okay?”

She jerked at the sound of Cole’s voice.

“I’m fine. I’m okay.” She rubbed at her watering eye and peeked at him with her good one. “What are you doing here?”

He blinked at the sharp edge to her voice, and it surprised her too. Until now, she hadn’t realized she was angry with him. The past couple of weeks she’d been numb and empty. She hadn’t realized it was possible to mourn the loss of a relationship she never really had—twice. She stepped away from him, away from the confusion of seeing him there, in her apartment, in Seattle. This was her safe place. Or, it had been until now. Had he come all this way to tell her he was back with his wife and they were never meant to be? That he decided not to wait for her, after all?

Well, she didn’t need his explanation. Screw closure. She wanted nothing to do with it. Jaden spun around and stalked across the open living space to the kitchen and tugged the freezer open. There was only one person who could have sent him to Seattle with her address. Grabbing a frozen bag of peas, she decided Mia would get a stern reprimand over the phone.

Smashing the cold bag to her eye, she turned and nearly ran into him again. Why couldn’t a girl get some damn space these days?

“Hey, I’m sorry about your eye.” He stood there, looking a little helpless and a lot lost, and the fight went out of her.

Okay, not completely. But a little. She sighed. “It’s fine. I’m not dying.”

“Good. I’m glad. I don’t want you to die.” His lips cocked into the smile she loved, and her wall went right back up.

“Yeah, thanks,” she mumbled, and edged along the counter to put some space between them. Except he followed. “Cole.”

He raised his brows and eased closer. “Yes?”

“What the hell is wrong with you.” It was a statement, not a question. And if he came any closer, she would throw the peas at his head.

“You.” And he stepped closer.

She lowered the bag from her eye to glare at him. “I’m pretty sure I’m not your problem. I’m pretty sure I have nothing to do with you. Now, or ever.” When she took another sideways step away, he followed. “Knock it off.”

“Knock what off?” He looked far too amused for her liking, and because he’d invaded her space, her life—her heart—she couldn’t feel her elbows. They were numb, as if she’d just stepped out on a narrow ledge a hundred feet in the air. That was a feeling she wasn’t interested in.

“You know what I’m talking about.” She clenched her fist on the bag, and ignored that her fingers were ice cold.

“No. Say it.” He rocked back on his heels and crossed his arms, challenging her with brown eyes she hadn’t stopped dreaming about.

“Damn you.” The words escaped her mouth before she could reign them in, and she hated the tremor in her voice. And it was nice that her body, her heart, her mind, took this moment to betray her—there were tears in her eyes and the familiar crunch of pain in her chest.

“I love you.”

A sob escaped her, and she let the peas fly. They hit him in the head. “Don’t say that to me. Ever. It’s not fair.”

The bag fell to the floor and he gathered her into his arms. “I’m going to say it. I’ll say it for the rest of my life. I love you, Jaden Miller. I love you with every breath I take, damn it. And I’ll love you whether you love me back.”

She wedged her hands between them and shoved at his chest, but he wouldn’t let go. “No. You can’t be here. It’s not right.” But she wanted him here. She wanted him to say these words. She shook her head. “I won’t be that person. You’re married.”

And she was going straight to hell for loving a man who wasn’t hers to love. And he’d be right there with her for coming here and toying with her heart.

He took her face in his hands and gently forced her to look into his eyes. It was hard to see him through the haze of tears. Why did she have to be so weak? She wasn’t supposed to cry in front of him.

“I’m not married anymore.”

She blinked. “But Kensie was in your house. She told me not to call you anymore.”

“No.” His gaze searched hers as if willing her to believe him. “She shouldn’t have told you that. She and I are over. Our divorce was final last week.”

It was too much information, the surprise of it overwhelming. For the last two weeks she’d forced herself not to think about him, forced herself to come to terms with the fact they were over, for good, finally. Now this? The back and forth gave her neck pain. And forcing him from her mind was impossible. He was in her thoughts the moment she woke in the morning, he kept her up every damn night, and when she finally did fall asleep, he invaded her dreams.

“You shouldn’t be here.” She pinched her eyes shut. That didn’t come out right. “I mean, I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

He hugged her and this time she let him pull her near. She pressed against him, her body limp.

“I shouldn’t have let you go,” he said into her hair.

“I don’t know how to do this with you,” she said against his shirt. God, she’d missed the scent of his cologne, missed his arms around her.

“Please tell me you’re willing to try.” His voice caught, and she swallowed hard. “I know things won’t be easy. I get that our lives are different, believe me.” He eased back, and she looked up to meet his gaze. His brow furrowed. “We’ll be great together, I know it. Give us a chance, Jaden.”

“I don’t—”

“I can’t live without you,” he said on a resigned breath, and her heart tripped over itself. “I just...” He sighed and closed his eyes, as if struggling with the words. “I just want a chance, that’s all.”

Relief and happiness and so many emotions she couldn’t discern swelled inside her heart. These were the words she’d dreamed of, weren’t they? The what-if that had made her hollow inside. And here he was, offering his heart, his love, his everything.

It hit her like a tidal wave, and she expelled a breath of awe. She rose to her toes and whispered against his lips. “I love you, Cole. I always have.”

He kissed her, and it was as natural as taking breaths of air. She hadn’t been able to admit how empty she was until this moment, and that realization brought a sense of urgency and need that roared through her.

“Don’t let me go.” The words were a whispered sigh against his lips, and she sensed the same urgency in him. He groaned against her mouth and lifted her in his arms. He kissed her so thoroughly she was left breathless.

“Jaden.”

She opened her eyes, her lips swollen, her breaths heavy. “Yes?”

“If you don’t tell me how to get to your bedroom, I’m going to rip your clothes off right here in the kitchen and make love to you on this floor.” The taut lines of his face and his clenched jaw told her he wasn’t joking, and the thought of it sent shivers of anticipation straight to her toes.

Biting on her lower lip, she considered it. “I don’t think I can make it to the bedroom.” Staring him in the eyes, she said, “I want you inside of me. Now.”

He dropped his mouth to hers and ravished her lips. “This,” he whispered against her mouth. “I want this with you for the rest of my life.”

She sucked in a breath and shivered under his caress. His heartbeat faded into hers, beating in time as he loved her. There was no way she would ever let this man go. Not again. Not ever.

EPILOGUE

A strong gust of wind whistled through the trailer park, and swirled the snow that dusted the ground. Cole rested his head against the headrest, and the radio played Rolling Stones on low. His eyes were closed because if they were open, he’d stare at the front door of Ellie’s trailer. Closing his eyes didn’t keep him from worrying about Jaden inside, though.

She’d been talking to her mom for about two months now. At first, their conversations were on the phone, strained and quick, with a lot of unspoken feelings. He was there for the first one, in the next room in case she needed him. When she hung up, she hadn’t wanted to talk about it, but there were tears glistening in her eyes, so he held her until she fell asleep. A weaker person might have given up after one call, but Jaden was stronger than that. She’d made her peace with the idea of reconciling with Ellie, and once she decided to do something, she followed through. He loved that about her.