With All My Soul (27 page)

Tod was mine, just as much as I was his. And I
was
his. Completely.

My heart thundered in my chest with a sudden, stunning terror.
My hands fell away from him. If Avari ever figured out how much Tod truly meant
to me, he would stop at nothing to have him. To hurt him.

Ira would do the same, surely, if he would hurt Sabine just to
hurt me.

There were still things I hadn’t considered. Things I needed to
account for...

“Kay?” Tod sat up, and his fingers trailed down my side.
“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I...” I swallowed thickly, then met his gaze again.
“Can you hand me my drink?” My mouth was suddenly so dry I could hardly
speak.

While I sipped from my straw, he sipped from his.

“Tod, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done for the right
reason?”

He grinned, and I loved that he could do that—that he could
remind me of good times in the middle of the worst times we’d ever experienced.
“You may remember that I kissed my brother’s girlfriend.”

“The way I remember it, she kissed you.”

“I kissed her back. A lot. Things escalated from there. Drama.
Heartbreak. It was quite the scandal.”

I let my fingers trail down his bare arm while he took another
drink, then he set both cups on the fridge again. “Do you ever regret it?”

“No. Not even for a second. Kissing you back may have been the
wrong thing to do, but I did it for the right reason. I don’t ever want you to
doubt that. This...” He put one hand over my heart, and I could tell from the
sudden swell of color in his eyes that he could feel it beating. “Us... We’re
right.
This is the way things are supposed to
be, Kaylee. Don’t tell me you can’t feel that. I can see it in your eyes.”

“I know. Do you think...? I mean, it sounds stupid, but your
mom said it was true for my parents....” I blinked and could almost feel myself
blush. “Do you think we’ll ever be soul mates?”

“I think we already are.” The blues in his eyes spun so fast
they made me dizzy. “I remember the exact moment you took a piece of my soul. I
felt it.”

I held my breath, which, as it turns out, is completely
different than simply ceasing to breathe. “When?” The word carried no sound, yet
he heard it.

“When I found you on your bed, bleeding out. I knew you were
going to die. I’d been trying to prepare myself for it, but when the moment
came, I couldn’t let you go. I knew I couldn’t stop it, but at the same time I
knew that if you died, you’d have to take me with you, because I couldn’t be
here without you.”

My heart beat so hard my entire body shook with each thump.

“That’s why Levi was able to get me back, Kaylee. Did Madeline
tell you?”

I shook my head. I didn’t quite understand what he was trying
to say, but I could feel the reality of it slipping into place inside me, like
all great, irrefutable truths.

“He turned in my soul after he reaped it, but they couldn’t
process it because it wasn’t whole. I’d given part of it to you. He was on his
way to untangle the rest of my soul from yours when Madeline found him and asked
for an audience with you. Then, when you told him to bring me back, he knew that
might actually be possible, because you still had some of my soul.”

Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks.

“So...I’m yours, Kaylee. Every single part of me, from the
hands that itch to touch you to the bit of my soul that you carry. Nothing can
ever
change that.”

I held him so tightly my arms ached and I was sure I must have
been bruising him, but he didn’t complain. “I love you so much, and sometimes
that scares the crap out of me.”

“Me, too. Have I told you that you’re the scariest thing I’ve
ever seen?”

I blinked in surprise. “Well, that’s a...nontraditional
compliment. Thanks?”

He laughed. “Okay, that was bad phrasing, but it’s the truth.”
He ran his thumb over my lower lip, and the swirling in his irises swelled with
the touch and with the thoughts behind it. “This is the most frighteningly
beautiful mouth I have ever seen. The most terrifyingly delicious lips I have
ever tasted. These lips make me hungry for more every time I kiss them. This
mouth, and the tongue inside it...they speak words I hang on to. Words that make
me want to be a better man. Words I would gladly build my entire afterlife
around. But they also say things that terrify me. Things that send chills all
the way to my heart. They speak about dangers I can’t prevent. Threats I can’t
always see. They threaten to do things that could get you hurt, when every
single beat of my heart tells me that I need to protect you.”

I stared at him, stunned, and he leaned in to kiss me again,
softly. Almost chastely.

“This mouth scares the afterlife right out of me, Kaylee, but
then every time I see these lips, or feel them, or taste them, I remember
exactly why I’m still here. Exactly why I’ll still be here a hundred years from
now. A thousand, if there are that many years in the cards for us.”

“Tod, I—”

He put one finger over my mouth and grinned. “And this nose, by
the way, is terrifyingly cute, both head-on and in profile. These cheeks...” He
kissed my right cheek. “These cheeks are where smiles were meant to live, and
where all my own smiles are born, and if you don’t think that’s scary, then you
obviously haven’t noticed how I smile much more often than is expected of the
dreaded grim reaper. This forehead...” Another kiss, and my heart nearly
exploded. “This forehead hides scary thoughts I wish you didn’t have to think,
and it crinkles when you’re worried.”

Tod ran one finger over my left eyebrow, slowly, his gaze
holding mine. “These eyes scare me on a daily basis, because they see more of me
than I’d even thought possible. They see
all
of me.
And they show me things, too.” He kissed each of my eyebrows, and tears blurred
my vision. “These beautiful blue eyes show me all the things you’d be willing to
do for the people you care about. The things you would give up. The pain you
would put yourself through for anyone you love—including me—and I can hardly
stand to look into these eyes sometimes, because when I do, I know that you’re
going to do what needs to be done, even if that might take you away from me.
From all of us.”

He exhaled slowly, and the swirling in his own irises slowed.
“And I know that I have no right to ask you not to do whatever you’re thinking
about doing right now, but looking into your eyes at this particular moment is
scaring me worse than I’ve ever been scared, Kaylee. Worse than when I died.
Worse than when Nash died. Worse than when
you
died,
because whatever you’re thinking...it’s bigger than that, isn’t it? This is
bigger than one death, because it’s bigger than one life. Isn’t it?”

“Tod, I can’t....” My eyes filled again, and his face blurred
beneath my tears.

“Yes, you can.” He looked into my eyes, and I blinked. When my
tears fell, he got a better look at my irises, and I saw fresh apprehension
twist in his. “What are you thinking, Kaylee?” He frowned, looking deeper.
“Whatever it is, please tell me you haven’t already done it.”

“I haven’t. But most of the plans are already in place.”

“What plans? What did you
do?
Please tell me you didn’t make another deal with a hellion.”

“I need a drink. My mouth is so dry.” I’d never been so nervous
or felt so guilty in my life.

Tod handed me my cup, and I took a long sip from mine while he
drank from his. When I heard the dry, icy rattle from the bottom of his cup, I
knew it was time.

“Thanks.”

He set both cups on the fridge one last time. “Better?”

“Yeah.” I cleared my throat and crossed my legs beneath me on
the mattress, trying to decide how to start the most difficult conversation I’d
ever been a part of.

“What’s going on, Kaylee?” His voice was low and tense. He
watched me in fear, and that was only going to get worse.

“I’m going to tell you some of it. As much as I can. But an
hour from now, you’re not going to remember what I said. Not consciously,
anyway.”

“I’m not going to...?” His frown deepened. “Why wouldn’t I
remember?”

I glanced pointedly at the cups standing on his minifridge, and
he followed my gaze. “What the hell did you
do?
”
When he turned back to me, irises twisting with a soul-bruising combination of
fear, anger, and betrayal, I held the vial out to him, my hand shaking almost
uncontrollably.

He took the vial and read his mother’s handwriting.
Comprehension surfaced in his expression, then bled into anger a split second
before he turned and hurled the vial at the wall. It shattered, leaving a wet
smear on the paint and shards of glass on the floor.

I flinched but stood my ground. I’d known he’d be mad, but that
didn’t alter necessity.

“You drugged me?”

“I’m so sorry, Tod.” I tried to take his hand, but he pulled
away from me, and my heart broke into a thousand splinters of pain and despair.
“I had to.”

“You had to
drug
me?” He stood and
paced the narrow floor space for a second, then turned to me again. “What the
hell is wrong with you?”

“This is the only way I could tell you what’s going to happen,
and you deserve to know that, even if you’re not going to remember it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense! What’s the point of telling me if
I’m not going to remember?”

“Your mom taught me a little bit about—” I gestured vaguely
toward the wet spot on the wall “—when we used it on Traci. You won’t remember
specifically what I’m about to tell you, but subconsciously you should retain
enough to understand that this was my choice. That this is really how I wanted
it to happen.”

“Kaylee...?” His voice was so thick with fear that it seemed to
hang in the air between us. “What did you
do?
”

I wasn’t ready to answer that yet, so I continued with my own
train of thought. “Also, I wanted to say goodbye. I couldn’t just...go.”

“No.” He sank onto the bed next to me, shaking his head so hard
that blond curls bounced on his forehead. “
No.
Whatever you did, we can undo it. You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you.
None of us will.”

I took his hand, and that time he let me keep it. He covered
them both with his free hand as if
he
were about to
break some tough news to
me.

I took a long, deep breath. “In a couple of hours, Levi’s going
to come see you guys at my house.”

“Levi?” Tod’s hands tightened around mine. “What does he have
to do with this?”

“He’s going to tell you that I’m gone—”

“No.
No,
Kaylee...” The pain in his
eyes echoed deep inside me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat to
continue.

“He’s going to tell you that I came to his office
tonight—between picking up that vial and going out for cherry limeades—and that
I asked him to take my soul and turn it in.”

“Kaylee, no. I won’t let him. He’ll have to go through me to
get to you.”

My chest ached like someone was prying my ribs open, one at a
time, to get at what was left of my poor, shredded heart. “You won’t remember
this, Tod.” I held his gaze. I wouldn’t let him look away and deny what I was
saying, because this was too important. This part meant everything. “You won’t
remember that he’s coming for me, but later, when he tells you that I’m gone,
you’ll believe him when he says this was my idea, because subconsciously you’ll
remember me telling you this. You’ll know this is truly what I wanted, and
you’ll help the others understand.”

“No, I won’t.” Tears stood in his eyes, but he blinked them
away, clutching my hand. “I can’t help them understand what
I
don’t understand. Why are you doing this, Kaylee?”

“This is the only way.” I wiped moisture from my own eyes and
sniffed back more tears. “We’ve tried everything else, and nothing worked. Maybe
we could have actually turned the hellions against one another if we’d had time,
but we
don’t
have time. Avari’s going to kill my dad
in a matter of hours, and he’s not going to stop coming after everyone I love
until he has me. Or until there’s no possibility of him ever getting me.” I
squeezed his hand and refused to let myself tear up again. “This
has
to stop. I have to
make
this stop before someone else gets hurt.”

“There has to be another way. You promised me, Kay.” His
anguished, accusing gaze ripped through me with every bit as much force and pain
as Beck’s dagger had. “You said forever.”

“I know.” I closed my eyes, fighting for composure, then made
myself meet his gaze again. “It feels like I’ve done nothing but break promises
to you lately, and I’m so sorry about that, but this one can’t be avoided. I’m
counting on you, Tod.” Another sniffle, and I blinked back more moisture from my
eyes. “My dad and Nash and Em...they’re not going to understand this. I need you
to help them. I need you to make them understand that this was my choice, and
that I did it to protect them. Don’t let them blame themselves. Make sure they
understand that I’m gone and I’m at peace. That the best thing they can possibly
do for me is remember me every now and then while they move on with their
lives.”

“Every now and then...” Tod shook his head. “I can’t go five
minutes without thinking about you, Kaylee. What makes you think that death—even
true death—will change that?”

His words sent a selfish bolt of joy through me and I buried it
before he saw, but I couldn’t help being relieved by the thought that he would
remember me for at least part of forever.

“Besides, your dad’s not even here. What makes you think Avari
will just pat him on the head and send him home when he finds out you’re out of
reach? He’ll still torture your dad. He doesn’t need a reason. He’ll do it
because he’s evil.”