Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (12 page)

And the results? We’ll leave those to God.

Delving into some of these areas of authenticity can be challenging. Take a moment and pray, first asking the Holy Spirit to align your heart with God’s. Tell Him you want to be willing
to hear whatever He wants to tell you. Turning your will over to God, ready to submit to His guidance, is also an act of worship.

1. In what ways are you or can you be a fine “linen belt” in your marriage?

2. Are you authentic in your marriage? Are there areas, such as admitting you made a mistake, that are harder for you to be honest and transparent about?

3. Communication is vital to any marriage. In what ways do you and your husband struggle to communicate?

4. Is there a specific behavior or attitude you’re willing to change for the sake of your marriage, even if you’re the first and maybe the only one in the relationship making such a change? How can you show Christ to your spouse?

5. Think of something your spouse enjoys. How can you make a special effort to make it happen, as a surprise? Plan a date night, write a love letter, prepare a special meal, or just go for a walk. Be intentional about your time spent together, and then be consistent about it.

Father God, You are so wise and perfect. I want to be that fine linen belt in my marriage. Please help me to let go of unrealistic expectations and seek You for what I need. Show me any areas where I’ve made false assumptions and
help me replace them with the truth. And, Lord, reveal any resentment I’m still carrying around, so I may repent and be free of a nagging attitude
.

Lord, use me as Your parchment. Make me a love letter to my husband. Show me how to show You, Jesus, our ultimate love letter. Most importantly, Lord, show me how to be the wife You need me to be for my husband. In Christ’s most holy and powerful name, amen
.

But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict
.

LUKE 21:14-15

It was December 25 and I was six years old. I don’t remember the events of this particular Christmas from my own memory, but I share them with you as retold to me by my grandma. On this particular Christmas, my mother was at the hospital delivering my baby brother. Yes, he was a Christmas baby, so was my grandma and my son, a strange and interesting factoid about our family.

Earlier in the morning, my parents had rushed out of the house, leaving my younger sister and me at home with Grandma and Papa. We adored our grandparents and, as was often the case, my grandma sat down with me to play the board game Marbles. Grandma placed the homemade wooden board on the floor and counted out the different colored marbles and then filled the spaces drilled to hold them. (Our version of Marbles resembles today’s board game called Sorry.) Sitting opposite Grandma, criss-cross applesauce, I squealed with excitement.

As a young child, I was clueless that my grandma was anxious over what was taking place at the hospital. I quickly scooped up the dice to start the game, oblivious to the tension etched on her face. I loved to play this game, and it’s no wonder, because my grandma always let me win. (Grandmas are often like that.)

Grandma didn’t pay too much attention to the play at hand. She was distracted, expecting the phone to ring any minute. As the clock ticked on, she grew increasingly uncomfortable sitting on the floor, pretending to listen to the latest trials and tales from Peruvian Park Elementary School’s first-grade class. Grandma mindlessly clicked marbles across the board and tried to keep my young chatterbox energy from getting on her last nerve.

Finally, after an hour of my noise, the marbles clacking and still no word from Mom and Dad, she rolled the dice. In her haste to finish the game and call the hospital, Grandma rolled a six, clicked her last marble into the home spot, and said flatly to a tiny stunned face, “I won.”

I bawled. I carried on. And I didn’t stop.

As Grandma retold this story to me, we giggled at this silly moment of my childhood. She said to me, “You hated to lose, and I certainly learned that the hard way. I couldn’t get you to stop crying for over an hour.”

I hugged my grandma. She had me figured out at age six. However, it has taken a lifetime for me to admit that I hate to lose.

I have a competitive nature (but no more than the average woman) and over the years, I have learned to temper my competitive spirit. I have discerned under what circumstances it’s best for me to give up or stand up. But when it comes to matters concerning my core values, I hate to give an inch of ground to anyone. I still don’t like to lose.

Although this is a noble attribute in believers, it can create loads of conflict in a marriage.

Take a peek into a common point of contention in our home:

The signature tune begins. The words “World News” appear on the television screen. I tense and mentally prepare myself for the battle soon to start. I spy my adversary from across the room. He glances suspiciously back at me, his eyebrow raised in a slight warning as he turns back to the screen. I continue with my covert observation as he leans toward the monitor.

The lead story flashes the smiling picture of a controversial figure, a certain flash point between us. I cringe. World War III threatens to explode and shatter our carefully crafted peace. Artillery is readied and, sure enough, I open my big mouth and borders are crossed. A counter strike is inevitable.

Politics, religion and science are the usual issues that can launch the war of words around our house.
Why, oh, why don’t I keep my big mouth shut?
Have you ever asked yourself this question a little too late?

Every marriage experiences conflict. However, disputes in a spiritually mismatched home are capable of elevating past a simple disagreement over something such as political preferences to a referendum on who each of us is as a person.

Let’s think about this a minute. We believers view life through the lens of God’s Word. We filter the day’s events and process them through the truths we discover from our daily Bible reading and prayer time. Our husband processes life from some other source. We have two very different worldviews.

I admit this is a tough place to live. Especially when we begin to think about couples who are believers and who don’t wrestle with differences in moral and faith issues. So we grapple with thoughts of either conquering (standing up) or surrendering (giving up). But today, let’s be clear—it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

Part of the process of becoming mature in Christ is learning to pick and choose one’s battles carefully and prayerfully. Through godly wisdom, we are able to discern the unimportant issues as well as to remain steadfast to the principles for which the stakes are high. On certain points, then, we can simply agree to disagree with our husband.

For many years, I vehemently defended my every choice. My spouse and I would argue over the littlest of things, mainly because of my immaturity in Christ. I lived defeated because I took on the role of being Jesus. However, the truth is that Jesus doesn’t need my defense. He is quite capable of defending Himself, thank you very much. He is God. Whew! What a relief.

Think about this Scripture:

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces (Matt. 7:6).

This passage is reflective of our situation. Unbelievers cannot comprehend many matters of faith by which we live our lives. When we try to share truth from the Bible, we are often given the eye roll or, worse, a criticism such as, “That’s an old book, and it’s irrelevant to today.” Swine fail to appreciate the beauty of pearls; likewise, those who do not know the Holy Spirit cannot comprehend things of the Spirit. And, in most unequally yoked marriages, the more we push our faith on our husbands, the deeper they dig their heels in resistance.

The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned (1 Cor. 2:14).

They just don’t get it.

Using the bullhorn approach with our spouse reminds me of the uselessness of a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal referenced in 1 Corinthians 13:1. Loving our husband and living out our faith consistently, in a manner that reflects Christ’s power of transformation,
is
possible. An unbelieving husband can’t argue with the fact that he is living with an authentically changed wife. And that’s the key: a transformed life.

Pick and choose battles that are of lasting importance. Stand up for principals, for they keep you from sinning. Stand on the authoritative truths laid out in God’s Word.

Agree to disagree on the small stuff. Don’t depend on your feelings for these choices, but look to guidance from the Bible, and pray, pray, pray. Consider the needs of others, yourself and your husband, and then decide if the issue at hand is truly worth conflict. Surrender your need to win. Let go of your desire to control. Be the peacemaker in your home, and let Christ handle the rest.

Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matt. 5:9).

God is in the business of change. As long as we are breathing, He will be about the work of transforming our heart, character and soul. Our entire faith-walk is designed to conform us into Christ’s likeness. Within our unequally yoked marriages, God’s plan becomes remarkably apparent. The Lord will often employ conflict with our unbelieving spouse to bring about our transformation. Darn it!

For most of us, change can be frightening. It will shake our sense of security and stretch us in ways we are unprepared to handle, and sometimes we find adapting difficult. Therefore, we fight it. Add to this the fact that in most unequal relationships, the Lord always begins this change process with the woman. Darn it again!

Let me submit a thought for you to consider: In the Lord’s eyes, we are highly prized to be in this very place. Through our heartaches, unfulfilled desires and soul-wrenching choices, we will burn away the dross to reveal a beautiful, refined woman—a woman after God’s own heart.

Our husband’s unbelief will lead us to the foot of the throne. We will understand the true power of prayer. We will be part of God’s plan and purpose, and we will watch Him use us to influence the world around us. We will know love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and goodness, and our lives will honor Christ. Our conflicts at home will reshape us, teaching us to experience sacrificial and unconditional love. We will learn honest respect. We will overcome our fears, insecurity, selfishness, and superficial living. We will love our husband, our children and our neighbors with a full heart. More amazing still, we will love Jesus with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength.

Our fervent prayers will move heaven and earth to point our husband toward the cross of Christ. We are blessed and chosen as we walk this journey of the unequally yoked.

A transformed life is a thriving life.

Conflict begins and ends with the words we speak. Did you know that our words have the power of life and death?

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences (Prov. 18:21,
NLT
).

This proverb isn’t a metaphor; it’s truth. Think about the spoken word and how often it is used in the Bible. In the beginning, God said, “Let there be light” (Gen. 1:3). He spoke the universe into existence. John began his record of Jesus, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1). Jesus Himself emphasized the importance of what a person says:

I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for
every careless word
they have spoken (Matt. 12:36, emphasis added).

The authority behind the words we speak to others or to ourselves cannot be overestimated. And when we speak words aloud into the spiritual realm, we unlock the power of God or we undo His carefully crafted plans:

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12:18).

The words that flow from our lips reflect the condition of our heart. Every day, we have the opportunity to bestow harm or healing. We can speak destruction into our relationships through gossip, sarcasm, cynicism, mockery and a host of other wicked and evil words. We can also speak words that bless others, such as, “I’m sorry,” “I believe in you,” “I am proud of you” and “I love you.” It’s a choice. Our words can bring healing to others and can precipitate tremendous healing in our own lives.

On the other side, we can steal back our prayers. For example, suppose we pray, asking the Lord’s healing into our lives, claiming His promise in His Word. Then an hour later, we’re on the phone, telling a friend that we feel as if we will never get better and how terrible we feel. This is like snatching your
prayer right out of the air. This places the words of Matthew 21:22 into a whole new light: “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

I want the words I speak to be words that bring healing. How about you?

I remember a time in my marriage when I would try really, really hard to have an argument. I would launch into some discussion, trying to vent my anger. My husband, unwilling to respond and up the ante (in addition with his inability to get a word in edgewise), would ignore me, turn and walk away. This only infuriated me more. He would start down the hallway, seeking an escape as my harsh words barraged his ears. Did I let him go? Not a chance. I followed him with my resentment flying recklessly about our home and landing a direct hit on his spirit. Ouch.

Because I spent many years living in my stubborn refusal to agree to disagree, my husband and I argued frequently. And, ladies, females are much more clever and efficient with the verbal assault than men. We can fire off a round of blistering words faster than a woman can spot a bargain buy on the clearance rack. Our men can’t keep up, and they go into retreat mode.