Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (11 page)

See how the past tense is used when God says He “bound” the houses of Israel and Judah? God had already tied that belt, binding the two houses to Himself. Then, at the end, He switched to the present perfect tense: “But they have not listened to me.” Starting in the past and continuing into the present, Judah’s and Israel’s unrighteousness had disintegrated the belt binding them to God.

Then I asked God to connect the dots for me—how did this relate to being unequally yoked? He gave me a picture of how the believing spouse can be that linen belt, a representation of righteousness (God’s, not ours), binding the marriage to God. Yet if we hide our faith, the belt disintegrates and becomes useless.

Now I’m not saying we should beat our husbands over the head with Scripture or get preachy. Remember, the reference in Revelation referred to “righteous acts.” I believe this described who they had become through the changing power of Christ. They simply lived as Christ called them to, letting their light shine before men (and women).

If you’re like me, you’ve learned that pushing the gospel on someone unwilling to hear it is ineffective, but nothing can
stop us from being a living representation of Christ in our homes each and every day. That doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being authentic. What greater witness is there than a life changed and redeemed?

How is that most effective? Not by words but by acts!

We are called to be that linen belt in our day-to-day lives, but burying it will only make us ineffective, which is what the enemy desires most since he can’t take away our salvation. We may not have the freedom to voice our religious beliefs in our homes, but we can live boldly as a saint through our actions, through the peace of knowing that Christ suffers with us and through the knowledge that God wants our loved one to know His Son even more than we do.

We can be that fine linen belt, unbroken and unblemished, strengthened and purified by the very God we love—and by the great intercession of our Savior, Jesus.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives
.

1 PETER 3:1-2

One night, I went out to dinner with my husband. As I was sitting there, I suddenly had this deep desire to confess something that had happened earlier in the day, something about which I still felt somewhat ashamed. Ever been in that place where the words are coming out and, in your mind, you’re wondering what in the world is going on? What possessed you to even bring up such a thing?

So there I sat in this posh restaurant, enjoying an evening of peace, and I proceeded to tell my husband how I was rude to
the receptionist at the doctor’s office earlier that day.

I even told him, “I can make all kinds of excuses. I didn’t want to be there. Was dreading it, in fact. The receptionist’s greeting lacked any friendliness. Most likely due to the fact that she was flustered at the moment. She made me wait, and then she proceeded to help the next person who walked in.”

Yada, yada, yada . . .

But still, she didn’t deserve my attitude. That’s it right there: my attitude.

The funny thing is, the situation at the doctor’s office reminded me of someone else’s rudeness I’d observed in years past and how uncomfortable it had made me to be a witness to it. To think I had treated someone in that manner mortified me. How could I have done that?

I shared this with my husband. All of it. Why? I have no idea, but I did. Me, the Christian, mistreated a stranger. What would he think of my faith now? What would he think of the Jesus I professed to follow?

Wait. It gets better.

I went on to tell my husband how I had prayed silently, asking God for an opportunity to apologize. (Yeah, I know. What was I thinking?) I went on to share that before I could even say “amen,” this young woman was standing in front of me. Right in front of me.

I continued my story, “I told her flat out, I was sorry, that she didn’t deserve my attitude. She said she understood the circumstances, but I told her I still shouldn’t have treated her that way.”

The Holy Spirit had to be sitting at the dinner table that night. I finished my story and looked at my husband. He smiled and said, “I bet she really appreciated that.” But what stopped me was the subtext—the pride I saw in his eyes. I screwed up, and he was proud of me.

I still have no idea why I told him about what happened, but I do believe the Holy Spirit was at work that evening. Up to this point, I’d thought I had to be a perfect representation of what a Christian should be, but God exposed my flaws and my pride, and He continues to prune them away.

God doesn’t want perfection. He wants authenticity.

You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts
.

2 CORINTHIANS 3:2-3

If I could tell my husband one thing today, I would tell him that I love him. If I could speak special words to him today, I would speak of my love for him. If I could show him who I love most, I would show him Christ.

How do we show Christ? How do we convey with actions what we’d like to say with words? How can we show Christ and not just speak of Him? For the spiritually mismatched, this is our greatest challenge. More often than not, it’s our actions that speak of our faith more effectively than our words.

I love the imagery Paul used in comparing tablets of stone to tablets of human hearts. He speaks of showing ourselves as messages from Christ so undeniable that we leave a permanent impression on the hearts of those we meet, on those we love.

That’s a tall order to fulfill, but Paul made another point clear here: It is not by our efforts that we do this. If it were, we would be taking credit for another’s salvation—as if we, by our own efforts, had saved them.

No, Paul referred directly to the Spirit of the living God. The Holy Spirit is the ink, the markings, the unforgettable and undeniable presence of God made visible with His Son through us. We are simply the parchment, a willing and ready surface for the Holy Spirit to make His mark.

We can find tremendous comfort and inspiration in this. I mean comfort in the sense that it isn’t up to us to know what to say or how to say it. God has equipped us with His Holy Spirit to do that for us. We need only listen and obey—to be willing vessels for God to use in reaching our unbelieving loved ones. And I mean inspiration in the sense that we are encouraged by knowing that God can use us in such a noble fashion. He doesn’t need to; He chooses to. He could do this all on His own, but He’s selected each of us to be a letter of Christ to our unbelieving spouses right here and now.

So I ask you, what is your message to your unbelieving husband? What can you communicate through your actions today? Are you willing to let the Holy Spirit make His mark on you for the benefit of your husband?

I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good
.

PSALM 54:6

One Valentine’s Day, I racked my brain about what to give my husband. I wanted to surprise him with something special, something out of the ordinary. Chocolates and a romantic card came to mind, of course, but I wanted something unique and longer lasting—maybe something that would even reflect the love God holds for him.

What could I give sacrificially to him to show how much I loved him? This line of thinking led me down a unique path. Instead
of what I could do, I began thinking about what I should not do. So I made a list of four things I would not do, based upon areas that I saw needed improvement within myself.

Nagging has a really bad reputation, and for obvious reasons: It’s ineffective and usually has the opposite of the desired effect. Plus, who wants to bear the title “nag”? I knew I didn’t. So instead of getting frustrated when something I’d asked for was forgotten, I started making my husband a list. That way, I only had to remind him of the list and not each item.

In the past I’d resisted doing this because I thought him quite capable of doing it himself. But when he told me that the list helped him keep track of what needed to be done and that he preferred it, I quit resisting and made him one frequently. Instead of asking him to do something several times, I gently reminded him of the list. If it was one particular, important item or situation being neglected, I asked him if I could remind him again specifically of that item. When I asked for his permission first, he seemed much more receptive, which enabled me to hold the title of “helper” instead of “nag.”

Now my husband is the one making his own lists. He caught on to the benefit and took control for himself. These days I simply ask him how his to-do list is going and will mention things for him to add to it. When I stopped nagging and found a solution that fit his needs, our conflict went away, and I didn’t feel like his mother anymore. And I much prefer the title of helper.

I found that I usually had expectations when I made the self-centered assumption that my husband thought like I did. (Let me know when you’ve stopped laughing.) As I mentioned in
chapter 4
, I read several books on marriage. I also read books
that would give me a male perspective. (
For Women Only
by Shaunti Feldhahn,
Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage
by Lee and Leslie Strobel, and
What’s He Really Thinking?
by Paula Rinehart are excellent resources.) I desperately wanted to better understand my husband’s inner life and thought processes.

The more I read, the more I came to understand that many of my disappointments had come from expectations I’d placed upon him to fulfill needs he wasn’t even aware of. Ladies, men truly can’t read minds! (Color me surprised.) Instead of expecting him to understand what I needed or wanted and then winding up disappointed when he didn’t come through, I learned (and still am learning) to simply tell him.

Amazingly, my husband had told me to do this before—many times in fact—but I hadn’t taken him seriously. Why? Because I expected him to just get it, and I thought that explaining would take the romance out of our relationship. In the end, all I really accomplished was a heart full of resentment.

But in a spiritually mismatched marriage, this goes even deeper than just the usual and obvious differences between men and women. Whether your spouse follows another belief system or is simply agnostic or atheist, he will not comprehend the truth that you are following and believing, or even why. Christ invades our very being and replaces the lies with His truth. Thus, the mind and heart of a Christian operate on a different plane from that of an unbeliever. Just as we can’t understand how our husband
can’t
believe, he can’t understand how we
can
believe.

Here’s an example. Take the word “sin.” Among Christians this word is often more familiar than we’d like to admit. I used to think of this word as being interchangeable with the word “wrong.” One day, however, a discussion with my husband led to an interesting realization. Because my husband doesn’t believe in God, he doesn’t believe in sin. But he does distinguish
right from wrong on a clear level, based on individual morality. To him “wrong” and “sin” aren’t interchangeable. I’d made the false assumption that he thought as I did.

One of these days, I, like you, might just figure my man out, but only if it doesn’t take the mystery out of the romance. In the meantime, it’s important that we accept our husbands exactly where they are, appreciate our differences, and not expect them to make the same connections and understandings we do within a belief system he doesn’t share. This is like expecting a child to walk at birth. It just won’t happen until he learns to crawl first.

For some reason, our human nature seems to jump to the conclusion that when we are hurt or wronged, it’s done intentionally. More often than not, I’ve found these wrongs stem from either miscommunication or misinterpretation, which lead to wrong assumptions. This is an area I have to work at very intentionally. I’m very good at putting the pieces together to form a conclusion that seems right, only to find out it’s wrong. I learned this lesson the most effective way when someone—namely my husband—made a wrong assumption about why I said or did something. To be accused of something you didn’t do or think is very hurtful.

Now I’m very careful to get my facts straight before I make any conclusions. This takes constant practice and awareness to retrain my nature so that my actions and reactions will follow suit. Again, here is an area where capturing our thoughts for Christ is not just inspirational but practical (see 2 Cor. 10:5).

It’s easy to believe the patterns of the past and present will be the patterns of the future. This is definitely my weakness, but
I don’t want to dredge up the past when a conflict arises and assume (there’s that word again) that it will turn out the same. I want to believe the best outcome is possible.

Human nature doesn’t make these situations any easier either. And the enemy uses them very strategically to attack our relationships and marriages. We fall into these vicious cycles of assumptions and resentments only to discover we are controlled by the ensuing chaos instead of being in control of our reactions, thoughts and beliefs. We become reactive instead of proactive.

So it boils down to this: Are we willing to move our own selfish wants and desires out of the middle of the equation and put our husband’s in that place? To really put him first? Are we willing to sacrifice our selfishness and let the light of Christ shine through to this lost soul?

Let’s just say I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress. We all are. We won’t reach perfection by any means, but a willing heart is a good place to start. By living each day with the goal to be authentic—flaws and all—we have an opportunity to show our husbands how Christ is working in our own lives. (There’s that present tense again.) Our perfection will not speak of Christ’s presence in us, but our earnestness to overcome and be more Christlike will. That means we have to be willing to admit when we’re wrong and to apologize—to allow our husband to see us intentionally working to overcome our faults, and to risk looking less than our best sometimes.