Wings of Love (11 page)

Mac noticed how clean and woodsy Brad smelled, and he savored the fresh scent.

While Mac showered, Brad retrieved two rocking chairs from the storage shed and put them in their normal spot on the porch. He figured he would just bring them into the cabin when they went to bed, and they could stay there until the storm passed.

Ten minutes later, Mac was opening the screen door with his wet hair slicked back and a shy smile on his face.

He sat next to Brad and picked up his glass of wine.

“So, what’s new?”

They both laughed and seemed to relax a little.

They said each other’s name at the same time and laughed again.

“Okay, you go first,” Brad said.

Looking ahead at the horizon over the mountain tops, Mac opened his mouth to speak, and then he closed it. He looked at Brad, and then looked back at the horizon again.

Brad smiled, “You want me to go first?” he asked.

“Nope, I can do this. I’m a big boy. But please let me get through this before you say anything.”

Brad nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” Mac said as he turned and looked directly into Brad’s beautiful green eyes. “I don’t know what this is. I’ve never been attracted to a man before, and I don’t know how to deal with it. It scares the shit out of me. As I mentioned earlier, at first I thought the attraction was just because we shared a bond over losing our partners. I mean, I really felt for you. I knew exactly what you were going through, and I wanted so much to help you. Then the feelings kept getting stronger, and the more I tried to push them back, the stronger they became. I’m not gay, Brad,” Mac continued.

Brad looked sadly into Mac’s eyes and listened intently. He could see Mac was really struggling.

“At least I didn’t think I was gay. Lindsey was the love of my life, and from the day I married her, I’ve never even looked at another woman, not to mention a man, for God’s sake, so why now?

“I’ve felt more alive in the last four months than I have in the last five years. I didn’t realize how lonely I was until I started spending time with you. You and this cabin have given me something to live for. Since Lindsey died, I’ve gone through life on autopilot, so to speak—I raised Zoe-Grace, and I thought I was doing okay, but I wasn’t really living. I was just going through the motions. But, Brad, I’m not gay.

“What would Lindsey think, and oh God, Zoe and Jack? They’re the only family I have besides my half sister. How would I tell them? I don’t even know what to do with a man, how to act, how to feel. Brad, I’m very attracted to you, and I think I have real feelings for you, but I don’t know how to act on them, or if I even
want
to act on them. Does that make me a coward?”

Brad opened his mouth to speak.

“No, don’t answer that. I’m not through yet.”

Brad closed his mouth and took a deep breath.

“I love it here,” Mac continued. “If I chose not to act on this thing between us, will it ruin our friendship? Can I still come up here? Hell, I don’t even know if you want me to act on this. Brad, help me out here.”

“Can I speak now?” Brad said with a smile.

“God yes,” Mac said. “Please, I’m burying myself faster than an undertaker.”

“For starters, I don’t know what this thing is either. I am gay and have been all my life, so I don’t know any other way of life. That part is a no-brainer for me. I thought that my attachment to you was just gratitude for helping me get through Jeff’s death. Then the stronger I became, the stronger the attachment became. I don’t know what these feelings are, and whatever they are, I know I denied them at first and tried to subconsciously push them away. But I think, at some point, I would like to see where they go, when I’m ready—and if you even want to. I’m not ready to let Jeff go, and I know that’s not really fair to you, but I need to sort this through, just as you do. Whatever we decide, this can’t ruin our friendship. I need you and….” Looking around and gesturing to the surroundings, he finished, “I need this.”

Brad put his hand out, open palm up, and looked at Mac. Mac slowly and reluctantly slipped his hand into Brad’s and entwined their fingers. They stayed that way in silence, sipping their wine and watching the sun dip behind the mountaintops like they had done so many times before. Only this time, it was different, very different.

Mac broke the silence. “Well, I think everything’s on the table,” he said. “Tomorrow morning, I’ll be out of here for a while, and I think the time away will be good for both of us.”

Mac started to say something else, then stopped.

“What is it, Mac?” Brad asked.

Mac opened his mouth to speak again, but only hesitated this time before he spoke. “This might sound stupid, but tonight, let’s just enjoy each other’s company and do what feels right. No labels, no questions, and no analyzing. I want to see what it feels like to just be with you, just hang out as if we were a couple, with no anticipation of what will or will not be.”

“It doesn’t sound stupid at all, Mac. I think I’d like that.”

When they could no longer see the glow of the sun behind the mountain and the chill had started to set in, still hand in hand, Mac stood. He looked down at Brad. “How about we move inside? It’s getting a little chilly.”

“Sure,” Brad said.

Before Brad could stand, Mac pulled him out of his chair into a standing position and put his arms around Brad’s waist. He moved hesitantly, but buried his head in Brad’s neck and inhaled Brad’s scent. It felt strange, but comfortable at the same time. He exhaled and gently kissed Brad’s neck. He held his lips there, savoring the taste of Brad’s skin.

Brad slowly wrapped his arms around Mac’s neck, closed his eyes, and leaned into the embrace. He thought how good it felt to be held by a pair of strong arms again. He struggled to push thoughts of Jeff out of his mind and tried to focus on the here and now.

They stayed that way for a few minutes, experiencing the new sensations and simply enjoying the moment.

Mac stepped away from the embrace first. He handed Brad the wine bottle and grabbed the plate of cheese and fruit and the wine glasses. He took Brad’s hand and led him inside. Mac poured them each another glass, and while he started a fire, Brad went about lighting the oil lamps. When all was done, they sat on the couch, but this time next to each other.

“A penny for your thoughts?” Brad asked.

“Well, I was just thinking that we’ve done this drill so many times since we bought this little cabin. I make the fire, you light the lamps… but somehow it feels different tonight.”

“Different how?” Brad asked.

“I’m not sure, just different.”

“I think I know what you mean, Mac, but I can’t quite put my finger on it either.”

“Thank goodness,” Mac said. “At least I’m not the only crazy one.”

“I think we’ve already established that.” Brad chuckled.

“So what now?” Mac asked.

“What are you looking at me for?” Brad said guardedly. “This is just as weird for me as it is for you.”

“Yeah, but you’ve done this before,” Mac said.

“Done what?” Brad asked.

“You know, been with a guy.”

“Are you serious?” Brad said with a hint of sarcasm.

“Well, kind of,” Mac said.

“Look, Mac, I don’t know what you think happens with two guys, but it’s pretty much the same thing as a guy and a girl. And to be honest, I haven’t had that much experience. Jeff was only the second guy I ever dated. So I’m just as nervous as you are.”

“Then we’re pretty much screwed,” Mac chuckled.

“Isn’t that usually the end result anyway?” Brad asked.

“Pretty much,” Mac responded, and they both laughed.

Mac took a sip of his wine and got up to stoke the fire.

“I guess we should start to think about dinner,” Brad said.

“Yeah, I’m getting pretty hungry. How about I throw a couple of steaks on the fire, and you put two potatoes in the microwave,” Mac said. “That shouldn’t take us too long, and then we can relax for the rest of the evening.”

“Great idea,” Brad said.

While Mac prepared the steaks, Brad stabbed the potatoes with a fork, wrapped them in damp paper towels and popped them in the microwave. Mac skewered the steaks and placed them on the rack in the fireplace. They had both mentally thanked Seth over the last few months for installing the battery-operated rotisserie and grilling rack in the fireplace several years back. It really made grilling easy.

In about fifteen minutes, they were eating like kings and enjoying a second bottle of wine. When they were through, Brad headed to the kitchen to start the cleanup process. Mac joined him, and Brad couldn’t help but notice how their hands and shoulders brushed against each other’s a little more than usual. But he liked it.

When they were finished, Mac threw himself on one end of the couch with his legs spread over the length of the couch. When Brad joined him, Mac pulled up his knees as an invitation, and Brad sat on the other end of the couch. Mac stretched his legs out again and lay his feet on Brad’s lap.

Brad removed both of Mac’s slippers and started to rub Mac’s feet. Mac leaned his head back on the arm of the couch and closed his eyes.

Mac opened one eye and said, “That feels really good.”

“Just lay back and relax. I got pretty good at this when Jeff was sick, it made….” He stopped and said, “Never mind. Relax and enjoy.”

Mac closed his eyes again and did what he was told. Brad again tried to put Jeff out of his mind. This would take some getting used to. He’d done nothing but think about Jeff for the last six months, and now he was trying to block him out of his mind for one night.

Brad watched the look of comfort on Mac’s face. Mac seemed really relaxed, and Brad was glad he could do that for him. Mac had done so much for him, and he couldn’t think of a way to pay him back. Maybe this was a little way he could show Mac how much he appreciated him. When Brad finished one foot, he massaged the second foot until Mac was purring like a kitten. He slipped out from under Mac’s legs and headed for the kitchen to refill their wine glasses, and as he passed Mac’s head, Mac grabbed his legs.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Shhhh… to get more wine,” he whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

Mac pulled on Brad’s legs, and Brad landed on top of him.

“Whoa, flyboy,” Brad said.

“What makes you think I was asleep?” Mac asked.

“The fact that you were snoring, to start with,” Brad said.

“Was not,” Mac snapped back.

“Was too,” Brad said.

Mac smiled, raised his head, and plastered a quick kiss on Brad’s lips. Brad kissed him back as an invitation, and Mac went in deeper for another. Brad opened his mouth at Mac’s silent request, and they both gave way to the intimacy of it all. Brad was the first to pull away this time. Mac looked disappointed, but he held Brad’s gaze.

“This all feels so natural and easy,” Brad said. “Being with you like this. I never imagined ever being with anyone else, especially you.”

“Thanks a lot,” Mac said.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, you know what I mean,” Brad responded.

“Brad, you can see that I’m struggling with this too, but at the same time, it does feel really good.”

“Mac, this isn’t an easy life. Although things have gotten so much better, there are still a lot of prejudices out there. Sure, we’re able to marry in a few states, but at what cost?”

Mac tilted his head and looked at Brad. “Brad, I still don’t think that I’m gay. If I were to leave this cabin tomorrow and never see you again, I don’t think I would ever look at another guy. Does that sound weird?”

“Not really,” Brad said. “I have this theory about sexuality. Do you want to hear it?”

“Sure,” Mac said as he nudged his way over on the couch and Brad slid in between him and the back of the couch. “Okay, shoot,” Mac said.

“I believe that, in general, people are born sexual. I think that if society didn’t tell us who it was and wasn’t okay to be with, and everyone could be with whomever they chose without persecution, I believe that there would be many more same-sex couples. People are drawn to one another many times in life for many reasons. But if it were as ‘normal and accepted’ to be in a same-sex relationship as it were to be in an opposite-sex relationship, then those same people would probably find their way to each other romantically. If people had the right to choose a same-sex partner without prejudice, I think they would,” Brad continued.

“So you’re right, you could leave here tomorrow and never ever look at another guy, because society says it’s not okay to do so. Remember, we didn’t start out our friendship with the hopes of any type of romantic relationship. It just sort of happened. We had something in common in the beginning that bonded us together, and then we got to know one another on a one-on-one basis and found out that we enjoyed each other’s company, and we were open enough to see that there might be something between us.”

“Wow, that’s some theory,” Mac said.

“Do you disagree?” Brad asked.

“No, I don’t think so. I just never heard it put that way, and it does make a lot of sense. I mean, in my opinion, hatred and prejudice is something we’re taught, not something we’re born with. It’s like, when we’re young kids, we don’t see other kids as different because of the color of their skin or the size of their body, but then we grow and all hell breaks loose.”

“Exactly,” Brad said. “But, Mac, also remember being gay or together up here when it’s just the two of us is very different from the real world. I’ve never hidden who I am, and I would never do that. We are so far away from that ever being an issue, but it’s something you have to think about while you’re away. I believe there is something between us that we can explore if and when we want to—when I’m ready and if you’re ever ready—but the decision to be with another man is not something to be taken lightly. You can’t go back. I’ve never wanted to go back because I’ve always known who I am, but you haven’t been so fortunate.”

Mac jabbed him in the gut, and he laughed. “I’m just kidding, but you know what I’m trying to say.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Mac said. “But, Brad, please understand something. I don’t take relationships lightly. When I make a commitment, I keep it, and if I were to ever make a commitment to you or anyone else, I would honor it until the end. When I love, I love all the way. There’s no halfway, it’s all or nothing.”