Why She Buys (7 page)

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Socializing
. Testosterone has been shown to decrease talking as well as interest in socializing, except when it involves sports or sexual pursuit.
⁷

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Multitasking
. Women have more connections between the two sides of the brain, which may explain why they’re able to do things like make pancakes while composing an e-mail. Men tend to activate one side of their brain when processing information, which means that they are better at compartmentalizing data and addressing one thing at a time before moving on to the next.
⁸

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Body language
. Women have a greater capacity to read faces and hear emotional cues in voices, which may be an evolutionary adaptation that’s enabled them to respond successfully to the needs of wordless infants.
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Women are good at this because survival of the species depends on it.

•
Spatial problems
. Women and men use different strategies to solve spatial problems. When trying to find
their way, women prefer to use landmarks (turn right at the McDonald’s), while men prefer to use “Euclidean information,” which is why they reach for maps.
¹⁰

These are just some of the biological explanations for behaviors we’ve all observed our entire lives. It’s fascinating to consider that the hardwiring of our brains is what controls our reaction to business messages. In the pages ahead, we’ll deconstruct what that means.

When discussing brain differences, it’s important to realize that biology is just part of the equation. We’re not captive to our brains. Our personal experiences and interests can actually modify the structure and function of our brains.
¹¹
Think of our bodies—if we’re overweight and out of shape, we can change that condition through our own free will. The same concept applies to our brains. If you’ve spent five years learning to speak Mandarin Chinese, for instance, you’ve effectively modified your brain circuits. These modifications also happen early in life, when we learn the social codes for our gender. From the moment we’re born, parents, teachers, and all the other adults who raise us provide instructions on what is and isn’t appropriate behavior. As a teenager, for instance, I learned that I’m not supposed to chew tobacco and spit it into old soda cans in public—which is something the boys at my Texas high school did all the time. There are a million of these little rules that we learn along the way, and most of them we take for granted.

Culture impacts our notion of gender enormously. Adult and peer expectations play an especially important role in shaping our brain circuits.
¹²
So do the media, from James Bond movies to the ubiquity of celebrities like Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton. Biology and culture both impact
how the brain develops over time, yet we still have the power to evolve our brains and our ways of thinking. In the 1960s, few people would have believed that the United States would ever elect an African American president and
almost
elect a female president. Over time, enough people’s minds were opened—and for many, changed—to make the presidency of Barack Obama a reality in 2009.

In a nutshell, our gender differences impact how our brains see the world.
Sex matters
. What it means for decisions about everything from product development to marketing and sales can be summarized in the five differences outlined in the next part of this chapter. The only caveat is that these male and female behaviors are generalizations. The human race is infinite in its variety, and there are of course people who are exceptions. But these common traits provide an inportant baseline for determining the needs and wants of women. Few people have looked at the correlation between gender and business strategy. My goal is to do this in a way that helps you serve the world’s most important consumers more effectively.

GENDER DIFFERENCE #1

Women and men define achievement in different ways. Men strive to be independent; women strive to be indispensable
.

Let’s start at childhood, where gender differences reveal themselves early, much to the amazement of parents who have children of different sexes.

Consider how kids play, which has been studied in great
depth by sociologists. When little girls get together, their games are based on role playing, and scores are generally not kept. You can’t win a game of tea party. Girls will play games such as house, doctor, mommy-baby, school, and grocery store, and they’ll also play nurturing games with dolls. Organized sports come into their lives later on, through formal leagues run by adults. When left to their own devices, it’s rare to see groups of little girls forming themselves into competitive teams.

An emphasis on nurturing and fairness is the foundation of girls’ role-playing games. Girls take turns, because that’s the fair way to play—“I’ll be Mommy first, then it’s your turn.” One-on-one friendships dominate their lives, in a pattern that will continue throughout adulthood.
¹³
Little girls tend to have a best friend, and they can often be seen with a cupped hand over their friend’s ear, telling each other their “secrets.” Conversations are the glue that binds their friendships, from a very early age.

“Bossy” girls are criticized and put in their place by both peers and adults.
¹⁴
Young girls are taught that they should always be modest, that showing off is a bad thing, and that fairness is the most important part of any game. In addition, girls learn early that it’s important for them to develop two social talents: being liked and being helpful. Subsequently, when they grow up, they aspire to be liked and helpful to the point of being indispensable.

This is reinforced by biology. As we’ve learned, in female brains, the limbic system—the emotional brain—tends to be larger than in men’s. This larger limbic system makes it easier, and subsequently more important, for women to bond with other people throughout their lives.

On the other side of the playground, things are different. When little boys grow old enough to play with others, they’re socialized within the context of games that are competitive and have winners and losers.
¹⁵
Through these games and sports, young boys learn about life’s “rules,” which is why grown men are so comfortable using sports analogies to describe them later in life. Boys strive to achieve status within their groups by dominating others, whether it’s through their size and physical prowess (it’s always better to be the biggest and strongest boy), their ability to issue commands, or their skill at a particular sport or subject.

Adults often view little boys who dominate others as having leadership qualities. Instead of being viewed as “bossy,” as the girls are, these boys are considered natural leaders. “Look at how the other kids follow him around!” adults will say admiringly. “He’s a natural leader!” Right from the start, boys are taught that independence is a virtue, and their self-esteem is fueled by achieving things without help from anyone else. Being independent, competitive, and dominant are qualities that are encouraged in boys.

All Grown Up but Still the Same

F
AST-FORWARD
to adulthood. Women want to achieve success in life just as much as men do, but their definition of success is different. Achievement is something more internal, and not necessarily tied to external factors such as beating someone else. That’s why hypercompetitive messages in advertising typically don’t resonate with women. When women compete, they compete against themselves. They
are their own toughest critics. And because they’re socialized to be helpful growing up, the thought of beating others through their own “victories” can make them feel a little uncomfortable. After all, if you’re beating someone, you’re not being very helpful, are you?

That’s why women find success much sweeter if it also benefits the people they care about. Their view of achievement is not only internal but also inclusive. With their larger emotional center in the brain, creating successful relationships is an important priority. There are a lot of corny stereotypes out there about women and relationships, but the fact is that the world is built on relationships and women are the undisputed champs at creating them. Women consider building relationships to be the most valuable of life’s achievements.

For some reason, this value of cultivating meaningful relationships is often dismissed as “women’s territory” and doesn’t get much respect. It’s the Rodney Dangerfield of women’s stereotypes. The irony is, most successful executives would say that their business relationships are among their most valuable assets. If an entrepreneur wants to sell his or her company, what people are buying is usually the client list. (
Clients
, of course, is just another word for people with whom one has built relationships.)

Women prioritize and cultivate strong personal and business relationships, because creating these networks of family, friends, and colleagues is a primary source of joy and fulfillment. Anthropologists believe this is one reason women handle retirement better than men: they’ve built a network of relationships and friendships they can fall back on after their working days are over. This is also the reason that people with aging parents worry when their elderly
mother dies before their father. The common fear is that the father will spend his days alone in the dark, watching TV and eating canned food, since his wife was the one who kept up the hustle and bustle of the social relationships.

Now quick, answer this question: why don’t men like to stop and ask for directions? It’s the oldest cliché around … because it’s true. Men hate asking strangers for directions because they want to figure out how to get to their destination
on their own
. This notion of succeeding independently is an important value in male culture and for many men the definition of what achievement is all about.

Men think asking for help is weak and an option to be used only when desperate. Women think asking for help is smart and a great time saver
.

Men are hesitant to ask others for help—even strangers at gas stations who could provide some friendly directions—for two reasons. The first is because “they don’t know they’re lost,” says Dr. Daniel Amen, a clinical neuroscientist and brain-imaging expert. The second is because they feel it puts them in a weakened position. It’s what the pioneering linguistics professor Deborah Tannen calls the “one-down” position: when you feel you are of lower status than someone else. Sociological research shows that men are far more status-oriented than women. They are conscious of their place in the hierarchy of the male kingdom. For proof, look no further than the military. It’s the ultimate example of male culture in action.

I’m the oldest of five daughters raised in a military family, and my interest in gender stems partly from the fact that I grew up in the testosterone-fueled world of army bases. Each military base is a small, male-dominated universe that revolves around hierarchy, rituals, pomp, and circumstance.
Military protocol—arguably the precursor to modern corporate culture—is driven entirely by one’s rank, which is just another word for status. Anyone who has a higher rank than you is called your “superior,” and your interaction with others is strictly dictated by your place in the pecking order. I watched my father’s behavior change from commanding to subordinate depending on the rank of the person he was talking to. He was adjusting his behavior constantly, and so was everyone else. It took me years to figure out the codes of behavior, and to understand why he wasn’t the same person at home and when he was out mixing with other soldiers.