Who's Your Daddy? (41 page)

“Dad, it’s not like I was unconscious.”

“You can’t remember how much you drank,” I said. “How do you know you wouldn’t have had more to drink, then ended up sleeping with someone while you were too drunk to know what you were doing? Or what
she
was doing?”

“Even if I did, I’ve always been careful.”

“That’s beside the point. If you’re that drunk, you can’t consent to sex. You certainly can’t make sure you’re having sex carefully.”

“We always do.”

“So, if you were really that drunk,” I said, “how would you be sure to use a condom?” Leaning forward, I looked him in the eye. “How would you know Kristy was the one you were having sex with?”

His eyes widened. “What? What do you mean?”

“Ryan, you didn’t even know where she was,” I said. “Did you have a clue what she was doing?”

He fidgeted. “No.”

I exhaled. “I found her with a guy a lot older than both of you with his hand under her shirt, so—”

“
What?
” Ryan flew to his feet, and his hands immediately went to his head. He sank back down to his chair, groaning and kneading his temples.

“She was drunker than you were,” I said. “She probably doesn’t remember it any more than you do. And you can’t exactly get on her for cheating when you were getting pretty comfortable with another woman yourself.”

His face darkened, and he looked away.

“You were both wasted,” I said. “Too wasted to know who you were fooling around with apparently.” I paused, steeling myself against an answer I didn’t want to hear. “I know you were both drinking, but what else did you do?”

Avoiding my eyes, he shifted in his chair. “What do you mean?”

“I mean was alcohol the only thing either of you took?” I paused again. “Look at me, Ryan.” When he did, I inclined my head slightly. “I already know at least part of the answer, so don’t bother lying to me. Did either of you take anything else?”

Ryan closed his eyes, and with a slow nod, he sent bile climbing up my throat. He took a breath. “We both had some weed when we got to the club. And Kristy…” He trailed off.

“What?”

“She likes Ecstasy. A lot.”

I cringed. I had a feeling she was into that sort of crap even before I’d seen her all fucked up last night. “Were you on anything like that?”

He shook his head. “No, I didn’t take any. I don’t—” His teeth snapped shut.

“You don’t what?”

He shrank away a little. With a sinking feeling, I recognized the full-body cringe. I’d done it in my own father’s presence far, far too many times. Seeing Ryan do it hurt like hell, but it was less because it meant he’d been doing something he shouldn’t have and more because he’d drawn back from me.

“You’re not in trouble, Ryan,” I said quietly. “I just want you to tell me the truth.”

He looked at me, probably scrutinizing my expression for any signs I was baiting him.

“Just tell me the truth,” I whispered. “Please.”

Finally, he said, “I’ve tried E before, but I didn’t like how I felt afterward. So, I don’t use it anymore.”

“But Kristy does?”

He nodded.

“What else have you done?”

“Mostly just pot,” he said. “One of the guys had some acid one night, but Kristy got so jacked up on the stuff, started freaking out, so I was afraid to try it.”

“As well you should be,” I said. “You don’t want to mess with that shit.”

“You ever done it?” He raised his eyebrows.

I hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And I’ll tell you some of those stories another day, but for now, let’s finish with last night, okay?”

“Okay.”

“How exactly were you planning on getting home last night?”

He shrugged. “We had cab money.”

“And what about your mother’s car? Were you just going to leave it down there?”

He exhaled hard. “Okay, we hadn’t thought that far ahead. But I wasn’t going to drive after I’d been drinking. Jesus, Dad.”

I showed my palms. “Seemed like a reasonable enough question, don’t you think? I found you both completely shitfaced with your mother’s car parked a few blocks away.”

“We would have figured it out,” he muttered. “You’re just being paranoid.”

“Call me paranoid all you want. I’m just trying to keep you safe.” I sighed. “Shit happens, and in places like that with people who are intoxicated and horny? You just never know what can happen.”

“You’re worrying about nothing.”

“Am I? Which explains why I’m counting down the weeks until my best friend has either Isaac’s baby or mine?” I said. He flinched, his lips contorting with disgust. I had no doubt this was too much information for his taste, but the time for comfortable discussions had come and gone, so I kept going. “If she’s willing to lay a hand on you while you’re that plowed, how do you know either of you will remember—or bother—to use a condom? If you’re not one hundred percent lucid, so that you know damn well that proper protection is being used, then…” I trailed off, letting him add it all up in his head.

He shifted and stared into his coffee. “I still think you were worried about nothing.”

My chest tightened with frustration. In my mind, I grabbed him by the shoulders and launched into a tirade, demanding he quit being stubborn and start listening. In reality, though, I took a long, deep breath. Maybe it was time for a different approach.

“While we were looking for you last night,” I said quietly. “Your mom spent a good chunk of the time on the phone. Do you know why?”

He shook his head.

I swallowed hard. “Because I asked her to call every hospital in town to make sure you hadn’t shown up in an emergency room. I was scared out of my mind, Ryan, and so was she.”

“Dad, come on.” He smirked. “I can take care of myself. It wasn’t like I was out fucking with a gang or something.”

“No, you weren’t,” I said. “But I think you’re forgetting what I do for a living. I haven’t told you a lot of the things I’ve seen, and if you knew half of it, you’d understand why I get worried sick whenever you’re out of my sight.”

Ryan blinked. “You…do?”

My face burned a little and I forced back the lump that tried to rise in my throat. “Son, I’ve seen people who’ve been killed just going out to the grocery store. The day you got your driver’s license? All I could think about was a car full of teenagers that rolled into the river a few years ago.”

He swallowed.

“Yeah, I’m probably overprotective,” I said softly. “And I probably worry more than I should. I really am just trying to look out for you.” I forced my voice to stay steady. “Honestly, this age is terrifying for me. You’re going out into the world. Driving, dating, all the things that scare the hell out of me. I want to protect you, but I don’t want to shelter you, and it’s tough to find that balance. You’re going to experiment. You’re going to screw up. You’re going to get hurt. That’s part of life. It’s just my job to try to keep you as safe as I can while still letting you stumble your way through life the way the rest of us do.”

He neither replied nor looked at me.

“Look,” I said. “It’s not that I don’t want you to go out and have a good time, Ryan, or that I’m trying to convince you not to party, or that sex is a bad thing, or anything like that. Maybe I’ve just failed at articulating that, but I never wanted you to think it was.”

“So when
is
it okay for me to sleep with someone? When you approve of her?”

“No,” I said. “If that was the case, you wouldn’t be here, because your mother’s parents sure as hell didn’t approve of me.”

He allowed himself a soft laugh. “Okay, so when?”

I leaned forward, folding my arms on the table. “When you can honestly tell yourself that you can handle the consequences if something goes wrong.”

“Like getting her pregnant,” he said quietly.

“Exactly.” I chewed my lip. “This situation with Carmen hasn’t been easy, Ryan. It’s been more difficult than you can imagine for all three of us.” I paused. “I won’t lie. I’m scared to death about Carmen’s baby.”

He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“Because I know what to expect this time around,” I said. “I know what it’s like to be a parent now. Maybe not a great one, but I’ve done it enough to know it isn’t easy. And the thing is, we’re all adults. There’s three of us, three paychecks. Money isn’t an issue. But it’s still terrifying for all of us.” I paused, drumming my fingers on the table. “In a few months, the hospital’s going to send the three of us home with a completely helpless human being that will be under our care. Feeding, clothing, raising, educating, the whole works. And especially after I’ve been through it once, it’s fucking terrifying.”

Ryan gulped but didn’t meet my eyes.

“You’ll be seventeen in six months,” I said softly. “Now, I want you to imagine six months after that. When you’ll be thinking about graduation, applying for college, thinking about eventually going to law school, all of that.”

Cocking his head, he said, “Okay…”

“Now imagine, right in the middle of that, someone telling you that
you’re
going to be sent home in a few months with that helpless human being.”

He blinked.

“You’re still a kid, but now you have that responsibility on your shoulders. For the next eighteen years, but also the rest of your life. There’s no going back, there’s no pawning it off on anyone else; you’re going to be a father.” I paused, and when I was sure it had sunk in enough, I went on, and I didn’t try to stop my voice from wavering. “That was me, Ryan.”

Just as I’d hoped it would, those four words found their mark. He straightened a little, his fingers tightening around his coffee cup.

“I wasn’t even a year older than you are now,” I said softly. “You think I had the faintest clue what I was doing in life, never mind being a parent?”

Avoiding my eyes, he shook his head. “No, I guess not.”

“I definitely didn’t. And with you…” I paused, collecting my composure. “I swear, I’ve done the best I can, but I don’t know what I’m doing any more than you would in the same position. This is your first time being a teenager. It’s my first time raising one. I’m not perfect, son, and my God, I have fucked up plenty of times with you. There were times when you were little, I was happy just to get both of us through the day alive. Even now, sometimes I’m just stumbling through it and hoping to God I don’t screw up.” I let the words sink in for a moment, then said, “Am I making sense? With any of this?”

Ryan was quiet for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah. It makes sense.”

“And don’t get me wrong,” I said. “I love you, Ryan. If I had it to do over, I would. All of it. As much as we might frustrate the hell out of each other, I couldn’t even begin to imagine not being your dad. The only thing I would change is having you come along later so I could have been more mature and more equipped to be the dad you needed me to be.“

He stared at his hands wringing in his lap, but said nothing.

“I’m sorry I didn’t find a better way to explain this all sooner,” I said.

“Better late than never, I guess.” He looked up and offered a weak smile.

“True. Remember one thing: I’ve never done this before. I have been stumbling through this whole parenting thing since the day you were born. I’m not perfect, I’m going to make plenty of mistakes, but at the end of the day, all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be safe and happy. I know sometimes it seems like I’m trying to make you miserable, but it’s really quite the opposite.”

Ryan looked into his coffee cup again, running his thumb up and down the handle. Then he looked me in the eye. “I’m sorry about last night, Dad.”

“Me too,” I said quietly. We looked at each other for a long moment. Finally, I stood and gestured for him to do the same. “Come here.”

To my surprise, he didn’t hesitate. He wasn’t too cool, he wasn’t too angry. He got up and threw his arms around me, and I hugged him tighter than I had in years.

Struggling to blink back tears and keep my voice from cracking, I whispered, “I’m trying. I swear to God, son, I’m trying.”

“I know.” He paused. “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, Ryan.”

Closing my eyes, I smiled to myself. Maybe I hadn’t fucked this parenting thing up as monumentally as I thought.

And maybe, just maybe, with Isaac and Carmen, I could pull it off again.

Epilogue

Donovan

A few months later

“How’s Carmen?” Ryan’s voice was tinny over my cell phone, especially with the shitty reception in the hospital.

“Isaac’s with her right now,” I said. “Shouldn’t be much longer.” I hoped.

“You doing okay?”

I rubbed my eyes. “Yeah. Tired.”

“Duh. You’ve been awake for two days.”

“Yes, thank you for clearing that up,” I said, chuckling.

He laughed. “Well, I should get to class. Is it okay if I come up to the hospital after school?”