Who We Are (6 page)

Desire had spent so much time on her poster, she almost missed her afternoon chore of picking vegetables for dinner. Mama’s quick goodbye as she left to go to the church reminded her. Desire left the poster on the table and stuffed the coloured pencils back into their box. Hastily, she put on her shoes and grabbed her basket. She desperately wanted to run out into the field, but she also didn’t want the neighbours to take notice and see her sneak behind the bushes so she concentrated on walking steadily as though nothing was out of the ordinary. She quickly yet calmly filled the basket with peas and carrots, hid it under the bushes and then slipped into the forest.

After several minutes, making sure she was out of sight, Desire took off her shoes and socks and lay down in the grass facing the sky. The tree line was so thick she could only see the blue sky through the gaps in the high tree branches. She breathed in the beauty of the forest. It wasn’t the scary or evil place everyone was taught to believe it was. To her, it was her oasis where she could relax and be free.

It had beautiful green trees, thousands of wildflowers and a creek running through the centre; the one she had fallen into under Johnny’s curious eye. As she lay there, her mind wandered back to the other night in the bath tub. Her cheeks flushed as she remembered the waves of pure pleasure that washed over her when everything seemed to explode within. Her private parts stirred with longing as she thought about it. Her hand was resting on her stomach and she was contemplating slipping it under her skirt when she heard a voice behind her.             

“What are you doing, naughty girl?”

              Startled by the voice, Desire jumped to her feet but lost her balance and fell backward. It was Johnny, again, and here she was, again, flat on her back, skirt up over her face.

Oh no
!
Not again! This would ruin everything!

The thought of standing before the congregation awaiting another round of punishment was a humiliation she couldn’t bear to go through again. She didn’t even move, she simply laid there and started to sob.

Desire felt Johnny kneel beside her. She felt afraid, but more surprised when she heard him softly ask, “Desire, why are you crying?”

Doubting his seeming concern, she choked out a few words, “Oh Johnny, I know you are going to run back and tell everyone what you just saw. I will be punished severely, again! I cannot do that again! You don’t know what it’s like! The whipping, the starving and, worst of all, the humiliation! Everyone in town will think I am an evil heathen! Can’t you just leave me alone?” She started to cry even harder.

“Desire, with God as my witness, I never have and never would do anything that would hurt you or make you sad. I would even lie in church to keep you from harm.” He paused for a moment and added, “Don’t you know by now that we live in a creepy world? They seem to know everything. Sometimes, I think they can read our thoughts. I’m sure some all-seeing eye witnesses everything we do. It creeps me out a little.”

Johnny sat down beside her and didn’t say anything more. He extended his hand. Desire looked at it in front of her and felt anxious, but accepted it anyway. As he helped her to sit up, she asked, “So you didn’t tell on me last time?”

“Desire, you ran home shoeless without stockings, soaking wet and filthy. Do you really think none of those busybody neighbours noticed? I bet those old bitches couldn’t wait to run and tell your high old Papa.” He looked into her eyes but didn’t say anything else. For a brief moment, felt mesmerized. There was something familiar and safe in those copper-green eyes. She couldn’t explain it, but something deep inside her now told her that Johnny was someone she could trust and someone who would protect her. She had no idea what she would ever need protection from, but the feeling was there just the same.

As she looked at him, she couldn’t understand why the other girls thought he was creepy. He was actually very handsome. He had soft brownish-red hair and beautiful smooth, beige skin. He had an admirable stature for a young man, and had big and strong hands and arms. Her cheeks flushed a little and a faint tingle stirred in her private area. The tingly feeling made her get up quickly.

Desire brushed the leaves off her skirt. She put her socks and shoes on and turned to walk away. Before she could take a step, Johnny reached to her and took her hand in his. He didn’t say anything; he just held her hand. It felt so right and a shiver ran up and down her spine. She was not sure how long they stood there together, but it seemed like time stood still for just a moment.

As they stood there, her voice almost a whisper, she said, “I believe you, Johnny.”

He gently let her hand go and she turned and walked back to the bushes to get her basket. She turned back one more time. Johnny stood there gazing at her. He smiled at her and she smiled back.

She was almost frantic with confused feelings as she walked home.

What on earth happened back there?
All the girls in town told me he was creepy and weird and yet I feel something strange whenever he comes near me. Yes, strange, but also comforting and familiar.

Desire felt as though she was drawn to Johnny like a magnet, or that she was under a spell when she was close to him. She barely remembered walking home because she couldn’t get Johnny’s image out of her mind and the tender way he had treated her. She felt an attraction to him that confused her.

Is he attracted to me, too? And what about what he said about being watched and heard all the time? I wonder if he has the same questions about this place that I have?

As she stepped onto the back porch of her house, Desire forced the encounter with Johnny out of her mind. Her father seemed to have a way of reading her thoughts so she needed to compose herself so as not to get in trouble again. As she entered the house through the back door, her mother walked in through the front door. They looked at each other and began to laugh.

“Well dear, we couldn’t have timed that better even if we tried!”

The two busied themselves preparing dinner. Papa was coming home for dinner tonight and he liked his dinner precisely at six o’clock. When arrived, he seemed unusually chipper. Normally, he was stern and showed very little affection or emotion. Lately though, he seemed more relaxed. As uncharacteristic as it was to have her father so lighthearted, she was not about to do anything to jeopardize his good favour.

“Good evening, Faith” he said and kissed Mama on the cheek. Turning then to his daughter, he said, “Good evening, my sweet Desire.” He planted a kiss on her forehead. “Did you finish your volunteer poster with your new coloured pencils?”

Papa looked genuinely interested. Desire put down the spoon she was using to stir the gravy with and ran to get the poster. She brought it to him and stood there, feeling proud of her handiwork but also on guard. She waited for the inevitable criticism. Papa inspected the brightly coloured poster and every word she had meticulously written on it. She had bordered the paper with all sorts of different flowers. The name of the committee appeared across the top in big block letters:
First Annual Fun and Games Committee
, and she had carefully drawn ten straight lines for folks to sign up. She put her name on the bottom identifying herself as the Committee Chair.

“Well Desire, this is splendid. I think people will be honoured to sign up for your committee. If you would like, we can take our tea onto the porch after dinner and choose some appropriate games together. I could offer some suggestions for some games you may not have heard of. Perhaps we should also plan some prizes for the children. Maybe Mama can make some caramel popcorn balls.”

She felt so excited, she let out a little squeal. Papa laughed along with her, but Mama did not. If she didn’t know better, Desire thought Mama looked a little anxious. Oh well, maybe she was feeling a little overwhelmed with all the work that had to be done before the Celebration. Desire decided then and there that she would be sure to be extra helpful and do all she could to help relieve her Mama’s stress.

After dinner, as promised, Papa took Desire out on the porch. She felt so happy, she thought her face might crack from smiling so much. She wrote down all of Papa’s great ideas in a little notebook he had given her. But most of all, she felt thrilled with the attention Papa was giving her; attention that didn’t involve punishment.

After they finished their tea, Papa went to the church for a meeting. Desire collected the tea cups and went inside. She didn’t see Mama, but noticed a glow in the sewing room. As she approached the doorway, Desire could hear Mama praying softly.

“God, I don’t even know if you would listen to a plea from someone like me. I don’t know what I am doing anymore, but I appeal to you anyway: Please watch over Desire and please help her find her way back home.” Tears fell from her eyes.

Desire went over to her. “What is the matter Mama? Why are you crying? I know you are really busy. I promise to help you with everything so you don’t have to work so hard.”

Mama swiped her eyes with a handkerchief. “Oh darling, that would be wonderful. I am looking forward to all the fun of the Celebration. I just have a little headache right now that is all. Will you fix me some herbal tea? Perhaps that will help. And if you could sprinkle some headache powder in there, I am sure that is all I need.”

Desire went to the kitchen right away. She made the tea and took a headache pill out of the glass bottle in the top cupboard. She crushed it up and sprinkled it in the tea. As she fixed the tea, she wondered what Mama meant when she had asked God to help Desire  find her way back home.

I am home. Aren’t I?

When Desire returned to the sewing room, Mama smiled at her. “Come sit with me, sweetheart.”

Mama was always so much more relaxed in the sewing room. They sat on the couch together and Desire chattered about all the ideas Papa gave her. Mama listened quietly. When Desire finally ran out of words, they sat in silence for a while as Mama finished her tea.

“Mama, what did I do to make Papa like me now?”

“Desire, your Papa does love you and always has. He just wants to do right and wants you to do right.” Mama didn’t offer anything more and Desire knew better than to push.

“Come now,” Mama said, patting her daughter’s lap. “Time for you to get ready for bed. I need to do some more sewing and I don’t want you to see your special dress just yet. I want it to be a big surprise.”

Desire kissed Mama’s cheek and ran upstairs. As she changed into her nightgown, and hung up her clothes, she secretly wished tonight was bath night. Her cheeks immediately flushed.

Stop it,
she told herself
. You got away with it once. Don’t go and ruin things now!

She put it out of her mind and distracted herself by studying the notes she took with Papa. Her mind raced with many thoughts all at once. She had so many things to look forward to: Her new dress, leading the committee for Celebration of the New Year, and not to mention actually going to the Celebration! It was all so exciting! She felt so alive and so part of the community, finally. She lay awake for quite a while thinking about all these wonderful things. Eventually, her eyelids got heavy and she drifted off to sleep.

She was splashing about in a strange green tub in the grass. It was just big enough for her to sit in. The sun was beating on her back and she wore a bright pink bonnet that covered her head. Aside from the hat, she was completely naked. Mammy was lying beside her on a blanket laid out on the grass. Every couple of minutes she would dip her hand in the water and splash her a little bit. She laughed every time she did this. Mammy was so beautiful and loving. She wore a short yellow dress with no straps and shiny red paint on her fingernails. She had golden rings with shiny gems on her long fingers. Mammy’s smile was as warm as the sun shining on her back and it filled her with joy knowing that Mammy’s smile was just for her.

Chapter Five

Desire couldn’t wait for Sunday. She added a few more details to her volunteer poster here and there. By Wednesday, Papa took the poster away from her and told her that she was going to ruin it if she kept adding to it.

On Saturday, she made her weekly trip to the Staple store for supplies. The merriment and anticipation of the upcoming Celebration was in the air. Flowers were in full bloom and the smell of fresh baked goods made her hungry as she walked toward the Staple store. She could picture the sugar melting on sweet rolls and almost taste the biscuits soaked with gravy.

All the ladies and young girls heading to the Staple store had their large push-carts today. The Celebration was now only two weeks away and there was much to prepare. Everyone needed a variety of items they would not normally stock in their home pantry. They needed special ingredients to make the sweets, the candy and countless other treats for the big day. Desire had a veracious appetite and could picture the endless plates of food she would consume at the Celebration. She thought maybe she should fast all day before the Celebration to make sure she had enough room in her stomach for all the goodies that would be there. Just thinking about it made her stomach groan a little bit.