Who Moved My Blackberry? (29 page)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keith Buxton

Keith—How DARE you accuse me of lying??? I was simply protecting the company, and correcting a few misconceptions about myself being a BSM groupie. Yes, I did send an e-mail out defending Barry before the shit hit the proverbial fan. But the thinking behind that was complex, and this has been a fast-moving situation.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Janine Rosenholz

Hi Janine

Just seen your messages. I realize you are upset by the article in today's newspaper, and I hope in the fullness of time you will understand that, as a champion of the highest ethical standards, my first duty is to do what is right.

All my very bestest

Martin Lukes

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Hi everyone,

First up I would like to say how honored I am to be given the opportunity to lead this company until the board has finalized a permanent CEO appointment. This is a time for firm leadership, and I would like to make two things very clear. It is imperative that no member of staff speaks to the press without prior authorization from myself and from our legal team. I cannot stress how essential this is. There have been some unfortunate incidents in the past few days, which we do not want repeated. I would like to reassure everyone that the company's strategy of delivering astounding value to all our stakeholder groups remains as strong as ever. The only short-term policy shift is to abandon the rollout for the new office of the CEO. In the current climate we do not feel such extra resources to be justified. Individuals already recruited to this team will be encouraged to apply for jobs elsewhere in the group.

All my very bestest, Keith Buxton

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keith Buxton

KEITH—DID NO ONE EVER TELL YOU IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO SACK PEOPLE BY PUBLIC E MAIL??? AND WHAT THE HELL JOB AM I MEANT TO BE APPLYING FOR????????

MARTIN

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—Don't you start, as well. I gave that interview for good reasons. I might have hoped you, as supposed media maestro, would understand that. My position here is untenable. I'm on the plane home tomorrow, and my first call will be to our solicitor. This is a cut-and-dried case for constructive dismissal. Keith hates me, and frankly the feeling is mutual. He's not going to get away with this. Would appreciate if you came to meet me at Heathrow.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Sherry Zook

Sherry—I'll be out for the rest of the day, and tomorrow I'm flying back home. If anyone wants me, tell them whatever you like. It's been great working with you, and next time you're in London do look me up.

Best, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

You can't keep this up. I've had a very very serious blow. This is the biggest disaster that has ever happened to me in my life. It is so unfair … Let me come home now. Please.

Love you M x

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

Congratulations, Martin, you have almost finished Executive Bronze! You are a wonderful person, with incredible gifts, talents and strengths beyond your wildest dreams. Take that thought and feel its warmth. Now double it. Double it again. And again. And smile. Because you know, deep down inside it is time to reclaim your birthright. It is time to return to your true self. WELCOME HOME!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora

Can I be totally honest with you? I read your message with a growing sense of disconnect. Has it escaped your notice that I am NOT home?? I am actually staying at the Novotel Canning Town for the foreseeable future and am living out of a suitcase. Neither am I “home” career wise. At the moment it is not clear whether I have a job at all. I came into the office this morning, expecting to return to my position as Director of Marketing, to find Christo Weinberg at my desk. I have nowhere to sit. I have no PA. I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Not only is my wife ignoring me, everyone is ignoring me. I might have gifts and talents beyond my wildest dreams, but no one gives a monkey's. If this is New Me, frankly I would like to reconnect with Old Me.

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

Whooaa! Looks like you need a refresher on some of the key learnings to date! I know that there have been some issues around your departure from Atlanta. But Martin, you must not take these personally. Have you forgotten the mantra, No Failure Only Feedback? You haven't failed. You are the same You who was Chief of Staff. Martin, I want you to think about the events of the last week. What happened? Why did it happen? What are the learnings you can take out from it?

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora—There are no learnings in this. I backed the wrong horse, and now I'm paying for it, big time. The only issue for myself is what next?

Basically, there is one thing that I want now and that is to be made Chairman of a-b glöbâl (UK). There is a humungous problem—and that is Keith Buxton. He has issues around envy re yours truly, and frankly, it's going to be hard for me to persuade him to appoint me. If you have any concrete suggestions on this I'm in the market for them.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham, thanks for the invite, but no thanks. I think I'll just take it easy this weekend. In any case my clubs are in my luggage which is in storage.

Cheers, Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Yes, I'm feeling fine. Just because I don't feel like playing golf doesn't mean that I'm heading for a nervous breakdown. On Sunday, I'll probably be seeing the family …

Cheers, Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Dear estranged wife

I know you are beyond such normal emotions as human sympathy, but you may be interested to know that I have this morning started bleeding from my arse.

You might also like to know that I am planning to go to Eton this weekend to see Max, who is now the only member of my family who responds to my messages.

Your husband
Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Sales@AstonMartin

Dear Sir

Re order 245.

Due to an unforeseen change in my circumstances I no longer require my car to be assembled as per the US market. I will take delivery of it in London, and require the steering wheel on the right.

All the other customized details remain unchanged, except that I would like the customized plaques on the sills inscribed “Driving Performance with Martin Lukes” on pewter rather than brass. I have ordered British customized number plates CREOV8, which was fortunately also available, which I will deliver to you closer to the time.

Yours sincerely

Martin Lukes

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry

Hi Sebastian!

Long time no hear! I expect you will have been following shenanigans at a-b glöbâl in the media, and will know that yours truly has been a key player!

Just to keep you in the loop, since we spoke I was appointed as Barry Malone's chief of staff in Atlanta, basically the second most powerful job in the company.

However, following the recent upheaval, I'm back in London considering various challenging openings here. Could we have lunch/coffee soonest to kick around some ideas on what's happening in the “outside world”?

All my very bestest,
Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry

Hi Sebastian

Did you get my message? Don't know if you've been trying to reach me on my office phone. My extension has changed, it's now X4096.

Cheers, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Graham

I don't know how much more can go wrong in my life … Christo is undoing all my good work in marketing and bloody Aston Martin say it's too late to put the steering wheel on the right-hand side, so I'm going to have to drive around in a car that will be a daily reminder of the job I don't have … When you're shelling out £103,000 you expect a bit more in terms of customer service …

Am just composing a missive to one of my headhunter friends, and then can we have the largest drink you've ever had?

Cheers, Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Hi Jens—Just seen yr message. Why do you need to go to Atlanta at such short notice? And why do you think I can just drop everything and help out??

You say you want a divorce because I'm “totally obsessed with myself.” Then you turn around and ask me to move back in as a babysitter. Can I point out that YOU are the one who is selfish—your career obsession knows no bounds.

I don't believe in playing silly games so I am going to help you, not because you deserve it, but because I miss the boys, and I actually care about their welfare. I am their father and they are badly in need of my input.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Jake

I'm moving back in for the weekend when mum's away. Would be good to have some quality time together. We could rent the new Star Wars movie have a takeout curry and a couple of beers? What do you think??

Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Max Lukes

Max old man

Mum's off to Atlanta on some job jaunt this weekend, and I'll be holding the fort chez nous. Your housemaster has given special permission for you to come back for the weekend—Let's do something really wicked!!

Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Max Lukes

You want to go to CHURCH? Why???

Text message to Jenny. Sent 22:14

Jens—Can u call me NOW??? Jake's been picked up by the police for possession of Ecstasy. Am heading down to Wimbledon police station now. M

Text message to Max. Sent 23:35

Max—am still at the station. Has mum called? Tell her to get on the first plane. Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens

We're back home, all in one piece. I've sorted everything on my own, so there's no need for you to come back early. They've released Jake, who is presently sitting in front of the TV. He's very quiet and sullen. Still half off his head, I suppose.

The policeman was unusually bright and was pretty impressed when I said I personally would be responsible for Jake's future good behavior. I explained that the lad had been under a lot of pressure because you were working flat out and because of issues between us.

Looks like they're not going to press charges—worst case, I think he'll get away with a caution.

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Dear Jake

The reason I'm putting this in an e-mail rather than waiting until you get up and saying it face to face is because I often find it easier to express myself in writing than verbally.

Basically, you deserve the biggest bollocking of your life. By being such an idiot and taking those drugs you have not just let yourself down, but you've let your mother and myself down. If it wasn't for me, you might be facing a 7 years prison sentence—which frankly would be the wake-up call you need.

However, I have decided not to punish you. When you were in the police station last night I had one of those eureka moments—I realized that at the end of the day what really counts is family. You, Max and, obviously, your mother.

I'd like to share something with you that you may find surprising. When I was your age, I got into a spot of trouble too. One day a gang of mates and myself got pissed on a bottle of Armagnac (I still can't drink it to this day!) and then we went into an Ann Summers shop and yours truly nicked a lacy bra! I got caught, and the store detective threatened me with the police but then let me go. I was terrified he would tell granny, though luckily he didn't. So I totally understand what you're going through, and I hope that you will confide in me going forward.

Jake, I know we've had issues in the past. It's true that you've been a disappointing son in many regards. You did something very, very wrong with my BlackBerry. You've performed exceptionally poorly academically, you've been lazy and you've not chosen friends of your own caliber. And now you are taking Class A drugs and getting caught. It doesn't look very good on paper does it??