Who I Became (Who I Was Book 2) (8 page)

“What’s up dude?” I ask, all smiles as I come in the kitchen.

“You told him? I just had to spend 20 minutes explaining why it was best to not tell her.”

“Well then why ask if I told him? Of course I did. He asked about her.  Don’t look at me that way Park. I don’t like that she doesn’t know everything either. I get where he is coming from.”

“Anyway, they are headed to the meeting and had to go, Nessa promised to keep explaining to him everything about why Lil can’t know. She is going to give us a call when she can to give us an update on everything she finds out about Lucas.”

“Where is the popcorn?” Lillian yells from the living room.

We look at each other before laughing.

“Coming love, its coming.” I reply, and then hurry to make the best popcorn I have made ever, well, it’s the best I can do with microwave popcorn. If I could, I would go to a theater and get her their popcorn. I might still consider going if she asked me to, which is a good thing that she wouldn’t.  I finish the popcorn. It didn’t go unnoticed that Parker left and didn’t actually make any popcorn, I did.  I head into the living room first, noticing happily that Park decided to sit in a chair rather than on the couch, leaving that to me and her.  I also noticed he has an empty bowl on his lap. Ass. He holds it up for me to poor him some. Then I turn to Lil, who has noticeably gotten closer to my side of the couch and is now leaning around me, as I seem to be in her way.  I wonder… I start to inch a little until I am just barely in her way again.  I notice she doesn’t even bother to look up at me, if she did she would notice that I am smiling and staring straight at her.  No, she doesn’t look though; instead… she scoots over closer to my side leaning around me again. So, I move an inch or two and repeat the process. I get to do that two more times, putting her right over half the side of the middle cushion, fairly close to where I am going to sit, as I won’t be sitting on the edge away from her.  She finally looks up and sees my smile. She scowls then shoos’ me away. Parker laughs. 

I sit down and put the bowl of popcorn on my lap.  She doesn’t move from watching the TV to see that I have in fact sat
right
next to her.  Our legs are just not touching. They are in the same space, one deep exhale from me and they will brush.  She leans into me first.  Still doesn’t look though.  We are now touching.  I am like a teenager again.  She unmans me with the simplest things.  I love it.  That is how it should be.  Finally, she glances over; I am trying not to breathe so she doesn’t realize how her small touch is affecting me.  That’s when she looks at me, smiles then glances down to my pants.  Shit, can she see what she is doing to me? She takes her perfect little hand and goes to put it on my lap. I freeze, I have completely stopped breathing.  Then she grabs some popcorn and pops it in her mouth and then… she winks.  She seriously did not just do that. I smile at her anyway because that was pretty awesome, I was so lost in the moment, not at all remembering that I had popcorn on my lap.  It’s a good thing too because, it’s one thing to assume that you are affecting someone the way she is affecting me, and it’s a whole another thing to actually see it.  Parker laughs again.  I will get him back for all this one day.

We are continuing to watch the movie; I finally start watching it and not worrying about what she is doing.  My leg still on edge and burning from her touch, up until it isn’t any more. She moved.  I look over at her and she has scooted her body away from mine a bit but has her head lying down against the back of the couch next to my shoulder.  She needs rest so I let her lay like that, which doesn’t look very comfortable until she starts to drift.  Parker went to bed a few minutes ago, which reminded me, I never figured out where we were all sleeping. I never made it to the rest of the house. Her eyes have been closed for a few minutes straight and the movie is back at the DVD screen playing the opening menu screen again over and over. It is pissing me off, but I don’t want to turn it off, as I am a selfish prick and don’t want to wake her. So I hit play again.  After letting her fall further into sleep, I gently maneuver her till her head is in my lap and start to play with her hair while watching the same movie again. 

CHAPTER TEN

LILLIAN

This isn’t okay; it isn’t part of the plan. I can’t help but be drawn to him no matter what my plan is. I decide to go with it; I don’t have to remember to allow him to be close. I feel so much better when he is close. I close my eyes and lean my head near his shoulder but not touching his shoulder.  Then I feel him put my head on his lap and play with my hair.  I love it when he does this.  It is the most calming thing in the world.  I drift…

***

“
Hey Lilbug, you need to wake up honey.  It’s father/daughter day bug, it’s time to go!”

I pry my eyes open to see my daddy right in front of me, I have missed him. I don’t know why but it seems like forever since I have seen him so I jump into his arms, giving him squeeze hugs until my arms can’t squeeze anymore. Tears start to fall from my face.

“Lil, sweetie, why are you crying?”

“Because I love you, daddy.”

“Oh baby girl, I love you so much! I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I’ll love you for all the tomorrows that I have.”

It always goes “I’ll love you for all the tomorrows.”  I don’t like this version.

“What should we do today Lilbug?”

“Are we bringing Park?”

He shakes his head. “it’s father/daughter day silly, where would Parker fit into that equation?”

I smile, just testing him. I love Park but man I love getting to spend the day with my father just the two of us. I am four but I am not dumb.

“I don’t know daddy, can we go to the zoo?”

              “Anything for you doll, but I hope the monkeys don’t recognize you and try to take you back!”

“I am not a monkey Daddy!”

“Oh that’s right. Okay, let’s get ready to go!”

Mommy helps me get dressed while daddy makes everyone breakfast.  Character pancakes, mine and Park’s favorite.  We each get to decorate the pancakes to make our own silly characters then we name them, and tell a little story about each one as we eat them.  They are so yummy!

We spend all day at the zoo. Daddy let’s me see all of the animals I want. I don’t like the birds. I feel like they will peck my eyes out.  Daddy tells me I’m silly because they can’t get out, I remind him of last time when the peacock was attacking his reflection in the soda machine.  He laughs and agrees my fear is somewhat valid.  It has been the best day.  He says he is going to take me out to dinner now and we are going to have some daddy/daughter talks. I frown, he smiles. 

We go to one of my favorite places.  I get a burger, fries and a milkshake. I love milkshakes.  Then he asks me how preschool is going.  He starts to ask if there are any new people around which I tell him no. He then tells me that there are people in the world we should be able to trust, ones we think we can but I need to always trust my gut first.  I don’t understand, what would my tummy say? Does it talk? He laughs at me and ruffles my head.

“Lilbug, you my darling, are the best girl ever.  Just remember okay. Trust what your heart is telling you, love hard and fight harder for those you love.”

I smile, still not understanding where this conversation is coming from.  Then he is gone.  I am sitting at the booth alone.  I look all around, I start to call for him but he isn’t there.  I try to ask the people and they aren’t listening to me, they aren’t even looking at me. It’s like they can’t hear me.  I start to cry, where did my daddy go?

***

I wake up in a fit, crying deep into… well into Wesson’s lap.  I am about to pull away from him when he pulls me tighter and starts to play with my hair again.  I continue to cry, not caring if I am snotting all over his pants. I know he doesn’t care. I am sure he is concerned about me more than anything.  I have so many tears and everything making me cough and then I feel like I am going to throw up.  I jump from his lap and he is right behind me.  I head to the bathroom not bothering to shut the door. I know he will come in no matter what.  I should be embarrassed that I cried myself to vomit but I am not.  I get it all out with Wesson holding my hair back.  Once I am done, he puts the seat down and puts me on it.  He runs a washcloth under warm water and wipes my face clean of tears.  I am sure he is worried; I would be if it was him.               

“Stay put love, I’ll be right back.”

He leaves the bathroom; I do as I am told.  I put my head into my hands and start to take calming breaths to calm my pounding heart and churning stomach.  He returns.  He opens a package containing a toothbrush.  He opens the toothpaste, putting some on the toothbrush. I watch as he puts it under the water just enough before coming to crouch right before me. 

“Open.” He says with a smile.

I start to reach for the toothbrush, I am now starting to get embarrassed over all of it, and I don’t need him to brush my teeth. I am already putting him through so much.

“Please, let me.” He urges, and I relent. I have little to no will power left.

He brushes my teeth; maybe does a better job than I would at this point.  He grabs a cup from next to the sink and fills it before having me stand to rinse.  He loves me. I don’t deserve him. He should love someone who deserves him.  However, tonight I’ll let him love me.  We head back to the living room.  He must have fallen asleep prior to my freak out because the movie is on the menu screen again. 

He set’s me down, not unnoticed that he sits me next to his spot.  He looks at me again before going into the kitchen.  He comes back quickly with a glass of cold water. Handing it to me he looks at the screen then back at me.

“Can we please watch something else?”

“Yeah.”

He smiles and puts on an action movie.  I don’t plan on watching it anyway. I need to lie down. I am warn out, completely and utterly exhausted. He makes me drink all of the water even after I tried pouting.  Then he urges me back into his lap.  It’s still a little moist from my tears.  My eyes threaten to water again but I push it down, not wanting to repeat the vomit episode. 

I am watching the movie without actually watching it.  I am actually just staring in the general direction of the TV. He starts to play with my hair again. I love him.  I start to actually pay attention and decide this movie is okay.  I am about to tell him he is allowed to pick out more movies when he speaks first.

“I used to keep your nightmares at bay.” He sounds so distraught.

I gasp. He is talking about the past. He isn’t supposed to bring it up. The only way that my plan will work is if he doesn’t bring it up. I
need
him to not bring it up.

“It wasn’t a nightmare.” I whisper.

“You can tell me anything, I am here for you love, only you.”

I can’t help my reaction. I turn over and am now looking up at him and he is looking down at me. I need him more than I want to admit. I clear my throat getting ready to tell him when he leans down placing his lips gently against mine. It was quick, it was sweet, and it was one of the best kisses I have ever had. I am tempted to push it, but remind myself I can’t. I don’t push him away either. He pulls back and smirks.

“Sorry, not appropriate right now I know, I just, and I just couldn’t go another fucking minute not kissing you. I couldn’t help it.”

I smile a small smile then tell him my dream, leaving out my father’s words of wisdom.  Unable to share them as I feel like they are meant just for me and it’s like a new piece of him and I’m too selfish. His words are on repeat in my head.

“Love hard, fight harder for those you love.”

He is my angel; I feel as though he knows what I am doing. He is telling me it will be okay. Wesson listens as usual; he is the best listener. He doesn’t speak until the end and when he does, it threatens tears again.

“Love, I just want you to know, this is going to be hard for you to understand until you remember but I have to tell you anyway.  We have both lost those we love. Your parents I can’t bring back because I would if I could Lil, I would bring them back in a heartbeat.  But I can’t. What I can do though is promise to love you unconditionally, every day I can and then some.  I also will tell you I love you every day. I lost you Lil, I lost you and I have you back now, I won’t risk not telling you every day. I won’t risk you not knowing beyond doubt that I love you more than anything or anyone. You are mine, sorry if that freaks you out, but it won’t once you remember.” 

He smiles and then leans down giving me another kiss. This time I can’t help but give in and I open my mouth right before he is going to pull back.  He groans as his tongue sweeps in, warming me up from head to toe. If it is possible for a kiss to heal, his just healed me. I am about to reposition myself into a more compromising position when he pulls away.

“Fuck, love, I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen.  Not that I didn’t want it to, or don’t want it to. I just don’t want you to regret anything.  I know you don’t remember me; I want you to remember before anything happens between us.  I can’t kiss you like that without wanting to be buried deep inside you. I miss you! I fucking miss us! I know that makes me sound like a dick, but we can’t get carried away until you remember-” He get’s cut off by a phone ringing.  Parker must have heard it too as I hear him coming. I jump away from Wesson pissed.  It was just a kiss; we weren’t getting carried away… yet.

I watch as he opens the phone and sees who is calling.  He looks at me and I see a flash of guilt.  He answers it slowly putting it to his ear.

“Hey Nes.”

Vanessa again, is that why he looked guilty? I mean. He just basically poured his heart and soul out to me. I thought he would be ecstatic to have me show some response back to his feelings.  Parker finally makes it into the living room and looks between us.  Wesson is still staring at me.  I look away first.

“Sleep good Park?” I go for casual, like this a totally normal situation. 

“Yeah right, Lil.” He doesn’t even smile, just concentrates on the conversation between Wesson and
Nes.

***

WESSON

I am a fucking bastard. That is just replaying in my head.  One step forward and I don’t know, a fucking million steps back.  What was I thinking? I don’t want to take this call, I think about not answering but know it is important and Vanessa will more than likely just call again thinking we are asleep.  I wish that we had just been asleep. Then I wouldn’t be chewing my foot as it is planted firmly in my mouth. 

I answer; she starts to ramble as only Vanessa can.

“Hey. Who is this? Is the Wesson or Parker? Not that it matters, I don’t think it matter’s which one I talk to. How are you guys doing? I can’t believe it’s so late, that meeting went on longer than I would have expected but we may have gotten some good stuff.  They think they know where Lucas is headed.  If that’s true, he actually won’t be too far from you. Is Lil there? Can we talk freely? I never know what I can say out loud-” I smile a little on the inside. She is a mess; she’s awesome but man she rambles. I am guessing Brax is taking over now which means speaker phone is out of the question.  I can see Parker staring daggers at me from my peripherals. I shake my head slightly into Lillian’s direction. He nod’s slightly. It’s crazy how in sync we are after just a short amount of time. Well I guess not because the same could be said for me and Lil, I look at her and she is clearly pissed.  She looks between me and Park and fuck me if she didn’t see our little exchange. Shit, this is going to suck trying to explain without being able to actually explain.

“Hey who is this?” Brax asks.

“Wesson. So… what’s the scoop, in a normal speed, without any rabbit trails?”

He laughs, he must get annoyed with her as she is crazy intense when he is around.

“Right? Man she is intense. In a good way of course.” She must be listening. I laugh. “Okay, cliff notes version.  We found out that Mia is still alive; they have actually been spotted at a gas station right outside of town again. Chief thinks Lucas may have snapped as he is coming toward the fight instead of running and hiding.  However, he may think that he has a pawn he can play, we all know the bureau doesn’t think so, or maybe he assumes he has moved on.”

“Fucking pricks, that’s my sister! She isn’t a pawn but she is a human fucking being. She is an innocent!”

“Shit Wes, don’t kill the messenger. I know that, hence this whole mess we are in. Look, I agree with you but the system is a good one.  Maybe it’s all a misunderstanding.”

I am pacing now; I can’t stop wringing my hand through my hair. I glance at Lil and her eyes are wide with concerned. At least she doesn’t look pissed anymore, but just seeing her face makes me relax a little and I put my hand down. Parker is standing closer to me. He looks like he is about to punch something. Yeah, something is going on there, not something I can break down right now. I have calmed a little.

“Okay, sorry continue.”

“Anyway… They think they might know where he is headed. Lucas doesn’t have much of the means that Gessati did. He does, however, have some of the same resources.  When he was heading toward you guys when he was coming to
help
save her from you, there were a few places he stayed.  We know that Gessati had his hands in lots of places around the country and one isn’t too far from you guys.  Vanessa said she is going to be able to email you the directions and the blueprints of the house that he is more than likely going to.  She says one of the rooms has a laptop hidden in a drawer.  Anyway, she set up an email for you.”