Whiter Shades of Pale (28 page)

The idea is simple: for the Dos section editors take photos of people who they think are cool and give them compliments. For the Don’ts section the editors take pictures of unsuspecting people, then black out their faces and make rude comments about what they are wearing. This is extremely popular because making fun of people behind their backs has been a part of white culture for thousands of years.

If you want to get a legendary buzz going around the office, you should say that your uncle was featured in the Don’ts section in 2001. This rumor will spread fast, so it’s best to make sure that you have picked someone who matches up with you ethnically. If the caption is racist, then you can get whatever you want from any white person who finds it funny.

You might even be able to get a day off while everyone else goes through mandatory sensitivity training.

When it comes to clothing, there is nothing in white culture that is more justified than a nice pair of jeans. Aside from hippies, it is almost impossible for a white person to spend less than $100 on a pair of jeans. If it is a woman then that number triples to $300.

There is no room for argument on this one: expensive jeans are an absolute must for both work and social spheres. Wearing cheap jeans would instantly get them branded as the wrong kind of white people or, worse, as being like their parents. And while you might think that white people could turn to vintage jeans, you would be wrong. This is because white people can justify any piece of used clothing provided it never touched anyone’s genitals. A used T-shirt that smells like onions and a wet dog? No problem; throw it in the wash—good as new. But a pair of used jeans? To a white person this prospect is on par with someone offering them a free installation of pubic lice.

Simply put, for white people expensive jeans are not a privilege, they are a right. Never is this more evident than at an antipoverty protest or a rally to raise money for an impoverished country. These events often feature a combined denim value that could probably wipe out the national debt of a small African country.

Also of note: White people wash their jeans, on average, two times a year while wearing their favorite pair, on average, five days a week.

If you are looking for a small-business idea or you just need to cook a meal that will make white people happy, you can never go wrong making a very expensive version of something that is normally cheap food.

For example, many fancy restaurants have started offering gourmet hamburgers made with grass-fed organic prime beef topped with expensive cheese and onions and maybe truffles, served on brioche rolls. Additional examples include expensive hot dog carts, fancy cupcake shops, and restaurants offering $20 versions of macaroni and cheese.

While the concept of taking a type of food that is normally enjoyed by poor people and then making it prohibitively expensive can be seen as an “insult” or “giant middle finger” to poverty, white people don’t see it that way.

Instead white people view these foods as a clever take on an old classic. Or in other words, it allows them to enjoy the food that would get them branded as the wrong kind of white person if they were to profess a love for it in a group setting.

For example, “I love Twinkies” would be met with scorn and derision. But saying something like “Oh my God, have you tried the new dessert at Delicieux? It’s whipped heavy cream injected into this amazing masa cake. They call it ‘An Evil Twinkie,’ get it?” would result in a mad dash for reservations.

White people will often refer to these dishes as “comfort food.” Because there are few things more comforting to white people than paying $14.99 for a grilled cheese.

Once saw someone wearing this hat in the “Dos” section of
Vice
magazine.

Drives to Buffalo on Fridays in order to get “authentic” PBR in a can.

Dedication to old trends is so strong that he has joined two kickball leagues.

Injured snowboarding, but when talking to Americans likes to use it as an example of the superiority of the Canadian healthcare system.

Wanted to get sneakers like that British guy he saw in Kensington Market, but couldn’t find them anywhere.

By far the easiest way to befriend a large group of white people is to organize and then participate in a game that is normally played by children. Unlike the practice of having their parents help with rent, this activity is a pleasant reminder to white people that they have not fully severed their ties with childhood.