Whiter Shades of Pale (23 page)

Note: A significant number of white women are still wearing oversize sunglasses, but they are a dying breed.

Though very specific to white people who were going through an awkward phase in 1995 (basically anyone between eleven and forty),
My So-Called Life
’s resonance cannot be overstated. Simply say the words
Jordan Catalano
. Say them to any white woman, gay white male, or superconfident-in-his-sexuality, irony-loving straight white male, and watch them swoon.

You seriously do not even need an explanation about the show. Actually, if someone asks your name, you should say it’s Jordan Catalano and that you’ve never heard of the show. You will be the hit of the party, provided you let everyone in on the joke by the middle of the evening. Otherwise you will probably be known as a self-centered, dyslexic jerk.

The show itself was seen as revolutionary for its frank and honest dealings with same-sex relationships, drug and alcohol use among teenagers, and domestic abuse. However, the part of the show that truly bonds white people together is not their common experience of exploring these issues. No, it’s the collective sense of regret for mid-nineties fashion.

So rather than attempting to use the social aspect of the show to forge a deep connection with white people, you should simply revert to the number-one rule when dealing with white people: throw a themed party.

As a male, if you arrive with a white T-shirt, ripped jeans, and a plaid shirt tied around your waist you should be guaranteed, at the very least, a make-out session. As a female, show up with a plaid skirt, combat boots, and your hair parted down the middle. Though this outfit would normally get you branded as a lesbian, tonight it will have quite the opposite effect.

Note: You may notice that all the music from this era is very depressing. Do not worry about it having a negative effect on your party. White people have an amazing ability to get drunk and then all happily sing, in unison, a song about suicide.

There are few things white people like more than being told that they were right. In fact for most white people this is the sole reason they are so excited to attend high school reunions. Unfortunately, the opportunity to show that you made the right choice in eating habits, proper age to have children, college degree, and clothing comes along but once every ten years.

So white people are instead forced to look for simple, more replicable ways to be reminded of their correctness. For many of them, simply moving to Northern California; Boulder, Colorado; Madison, Wisconsin; or Portland, Oregon, will accomplish this task permanently, since literally everything accomplished in those places is a constant reminder that white people are right.

But in the wide-open world of the Internet, there are so many dissenting points of view that it can be hard to find one single place where white people can be reassured that their view is the best one. Sure, they could try
The New York Times
, NPR, or even Rachel Maddow, but all of
those sources are required to show at least some level of journalistic integrity, which is defined by white people as “allowing conservatives to speak.”

Since its inception, the best place for white people to find political and cultural affirmation is The Huffington Post. This website features everything white people are looking for in one easy location: editorials, clips from
The Daily Show
, and slide shows that will provide white people with tens of minutes of dinner party conversation about the ten best cities for creative people.

But the best thing about The Huffington Post is that it covers politics and celebrities with just about equal zeal. This means white people can pretend to be reading about a regime change in Afghanistan when a co-worker walks by, and then quickly scroll down to a story about a celebrity DUI. This enables you to appear smart while engaging in something that is probably making you dumber, sort of like the old trick of putting a magazine inside a textbook to trick teachers.

If you plan on using The Huffington Post as a conversation starter, do not go straight into celebrity news. White people know this is a trick. Instead you should reference one of the editorials featured on the site. But don’t go too highbrow and reference an editorial by a writer or a former politician. Go for something safer, something the white person has read.

Now, rather than trying to move the conversation to the issue, which would require context and some level of reading, simply shift the conversation over to the celebrity and voilà! You have a new best friend who thinks this is a conversation about politics.

Not only have you raised the self-esteem of a white person, but you can confirm your suspicions about the intellectual hierarchy of your office. Of course, if a white person rebuffs this conversation and mentions something from a printed magazine, be careful. They are your competition.

From a strictly economic viewpoint, the idea of American Apparel seems like it would be a failure: paying above market rate for labor, charging well above your competitors’ prices for the same product, and offering no distinguishing features from the competition. But they made one important decision that virtually guaranteed success: they sold self-satisfaction to white people.

On the white people commodities market, only organic produce sells at a higher volume than self-satisfaction. If you look into the footnotes of the business model for Apple Computer you’ll see that they actually give the computers away for free; they just charge for the inflated sense of self-worth.

But more important, American Apparel allows white people to wear a
T-shirt without guilt. Yes, that’s correct, white people are so filled with guilt about everything that even the act of wearing a T-shirt is enough to generate shame about the conditions of garment workers in third-world countries. Of course, it doesn’t fill them with enough guilt to actually do something about it, just enough guilt to ruin their afternoon. So by wearing an American Apparel shirt, they can not only strut around feeling great, but they are given a secret weapon if they ever find themselves needing to ruin the afternoon of another white person.

Note: This is an epic move, because not only does it induce guilt about the shirt, it induces guilt about not reading
Harper’s Magazine
.

Some of the possible situations where you might need to ruin another white person’s afternoon: trying to get a table at a coffeeshop, attempting to steal a girlfriend or boyfriend, or needing to appear intelligent in front of someone else.

The guilt alleviation/application is but one part of the American Apparel empire. Another reason for their success is that they sell shirts with no logos. Just plain, simple shirts. And if there is one thing we’ve learned about white people, it’s that they will pay a lot of money for simplicity.

But the most important thing that American Apparel has done for white culture is its advertising. The ads themselves are seen by white people as a triumph of style and elegance as well as one of the more acceptable forms of pornography for white people. But more important, you will find their ads on almost every indie music blog on the Internet, which means that their advertising budget is subsidizing almost every important part of the white Internet.

Of course, there have been some downsides to the company. American Apparel has been accused of hiring only attractive people (a claim they deny, sort of) and the CEO of the company has found himself in some hot water over alleged sexual harassment. But most white people can forgive that relatively easily, since the order of people that must be protected goes like this:

1. Third-world people

2. Dogs

3. Poor people in the first world

4. Ugly or fat people

5. Good-looking people