White Girl Problems (16 page)

He opened his mouth, but the look in his eyes said everything I needed to hear. He was disgusted with me. He swallowed. “My family knows about you, you are not my consort, and I am not a king.”

I looked down, suddenly ashamed of myself. He didn't move and neither did I. “But you don't want me to tell anyone who you are.”

“Why do you need to? Why does it matter who I am?”

“Do your parents disapprove of me?”

He didn't say anything. I sat, staring at his feet until suddenly they were gone. I heard the front door close, and it was like I was dreaming. There was no way he just left me there with a question that massive floating in the air.

How could he?

Why didn't he say his parents didn't care if I was some American chick?

I wondered if this was how the girls who wore the ring before me all felt. It was a sisterhood of bad feelings and shameful self-hatred.

I never imagined, in all my years, that a prince would be so hard to love. Disney movies really did make it seem like it was all songs and dancing. There was always the kiss at the end, but it seemed I wasn't going to have any of that.

I sat there until Hattie came up the stairs with two plates of food. She didn't knock, she just strolled in and handed me mine. “Why is your room so clean? Did you save all your messy habits for my house?”

Jess followed her in and they sat on the floor with her plate of dinner. I looked at them both. “What are you doing?”

Hattie shrugged and looked around. “Eating Thanksgiving dinner in a room where I feel like I can focus on my things to be grateful for. What are you doing?”

I picked up the plate and laughed. “The same I guess.” I took a bite of turkey and sighed.

Hattie made a face. “She ordered this dinner, didn't she?”

Jess snorted. “The caterers probably snuck out the back.”

“That's awful. Does she ever cook holiday meals?”

I shook my head. “She is not domesticated.”

Hattie laughed. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard that.”

Jess ate a green bean and smiled. “She told us that was why she never cooked or cleaned; she wasn’t as domesticated as our friends’ mothers.”

Hattie put down her fork. “That is the most disturbing thing I have ever heard. Every woman, every self-respecting woman, should have one meal they use for holidays. It can be duck, goose, ham, roast, turkey—anything. It is important for your family to have traditions. Not all women are as blessed as I am in the kitchen, but one meal isn’t too much to ask for.”

I ate my green beans and tried not to cry.

Hattie poked me with her fork. “I did notice Aiden leaving. Everything all right there?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. He’s all royal and I’m all… not. I’m like a booty call for potential kings at this point. It’s getting embarrassing.”

Hattie nodded. “It’s what you make it. If you look at it all and say, ‘I dated a prince,’ and leave it at that… It is a cool story now. You can’t expect more. It shouldn't matter how it ends. You just have to be real about the fact it will end. He is a nice boy and you are… a girl.” She winked at me. “But his family would never approve of him publicly dating you. There is nothing you can do about that. It’s sad, but you are young, your heart is strong, and what hurts today will not in six months.”

I didn't know I was crying until Jess took my plate. Hattie gave me a slap on the leg. “You’ll be fine, but if you’re not, you can always come and live with me and Peaches. She misses you something fierce.”

I snorted and wiped my face.

White girls everywhere want to know… why is the hottest guy always a gay guy?

Chapter Twelve

Lo-Lo-Lo-Love Me Tender

December

I felt lost for a week, maybe two. I couldn’t be sure how long it was. Everything was a blur. I did my schoolwork and came home. I hid in my room and avoided life.

Okay, I have to confess… I started playing
World of Warcraft
again. Watching my character run through the jungle and kill things or fight battles made me feel like things weren’t so bad. I could be living in a jungle, wearing ugly robes and have a bone through my nose. I could be fighting for every meal.

If anything, the game was healthy for perspective.

A knock at the door interrupted my battleground. “Yeah?” I asked but never took my eyes from the screen.

I heard the door open, and the awkward silence meant it wasn’t Jess, the only person who actually came to see me. I caught a glimpse of a stunned face and turned to see Linna. I looked back to the game. “Hey.”

She walked across the room, dodging clothes and shoes and books. “Uhh, wow. Are you okay? ‘Cause damn, dude. This room is nasty.” Her voice was funny. “It stinks in here.”

I looked around and pointed at the boxes in the corner. “Probably the pizza.”

I saw her hands moving. “You know what¸ Fin? This has to end. It’s five in the morning—have you even slept yet?”

I heard her say it, but I never imagined she was about to do what she did. Her hand came down and pushed the off button on the screen. I froze. In my head, I was about to make my next move and kill the little twink rogue on the other team. “Oh my God. What did you do? My team needs me.”

She took the laptop and flashed the light from her cell phone in my eyes. “Okay, this is happening. You’re leaving this room.”

I squinted and backed away from the light, hissing and blinking. “Get out.”

“No way, poopsock. Let’s go. You’re hitting the showers.” She dragged me from the bed.

Jessica was in the doorway. I knew she had betrayed my secret. Her eyes lowered. “I had to. You were taking it to a dark place. You have an addictive personality.”

I growled and staggered into the bathroom.

Linna shook me a little. “LOOK!” She shoved me toward the mirror. I took a good look. I was getting a little chunky around the midsection and I had a dubs under my chin. My brown hair was greasy and there were little pimples starting to sprout up between my eyes and on my chin. I swallowed hard, stepping back. “What… what day is it?” Had I gone to school? When was the last shower I took? I felt like I was a coma patient just waking up.

“It’s the last day of school. You skipped yesterday.” She tugged on my sweater, actually taking it off my body. I stood there half naked and didn’t even care. She winced. “You stink and you look like shit and your room is hella bad. This is brutal.” She turned and stomped out. Jess came in and smiled sweetly. They were doing good cop/bad cop. She started the water. “No boy is worth this, not even a prince.” She turned and left the room.

I could hear her and Linna cleaning up the mess. How had my dad not even noticed I had gotten this low?

Jesus. It was like he wasn’t even here.

I stripped and stepped into the hot steam shower. The jets on the sides blasted me with steam and the rain showerhead dumped water on my head.

I closed my eyes and I all could see was his face.

It had been two weeks and I hadn’t heard a word. Not a sound. Not a thing. He was gone from school the next day. No matter where I went, people asked me where the new guy was. I actually started hating the words ‘new’ and ‘guy.’ I slid down the back wall and sat in the pouring water. My hands scooped around my legs and I looked down at the dark hair growing on them like I was some kind of animal.

“Ahhhhhhh.”

Jess was in the bathroom instantly. I could see her through the glass door. “You okay?”

I shook my head. “No, but I will be.”

“If you need us, we’ll just be right here.” She turned and walked back out. I stood up and grabbed my razor. It was time to fix the situation.

It took a while. A long while. But after a couple hours, I looked human again. Every part of my body was red from shaving, waxing, plucking, and loofahing. I was moisturized and dressed in my spare school uniform and ready to go to school on time. Jess brought me an espresso and Linna hauled out the last of the garbage.

I looked at myself and winced. “I need to go on a little diet. Look at my muffin!”

There was a small roll over the top of my skirt. Jess bagged my blouse a little and shrugged. “Your boobs look bigger.”

I cupped one of them. “They are bigger.”

She smiled. “See, stick skinny isn’t always better.”

I rolled my eyes. She was a fine one to talk. She had always been a stick, regardless of playing games non-stop and eating crap.

She looked around the room. “Well, it’s back to normal and you look human again.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

She nodded. “Anytime. You did the same thing for me. You just didn’t know you were doing it.”

Glancing around the room, I scowled. “Did you find my phone, in the rubble?”

She shook her head and walked out. “No. Must be lost.”

I sighed. “Why does God hate me? Why can’t I ever just have nice things and be happy?”

She looked back. “You need Lakeside again, for perspective.”

“I could actually go for some old people medicine.”

Linna came into the room. “We’re leaving now.” She looked exhausted. I was exhausted. I’d been up all night gaming. When they had come in the room at five a.m. I hadn’t even noticed I hadn’t slept yet.

I noticed it there in the hallway.

The drive over to the school was weird. They were both unusually chatty. Jess had hated Linna for a long time for what she had done, and Linna was pissed she was dating Aaron. But they were working together to help me.

When we got to school, I was frantically searching my bag for my phone as we walked up the stairs. “I just don’t know where I could have left it.”

Linna grabbed my arm and turned me to the right sharply. “Let’s just go this way.” I paused and looked at the smoke pit she was pulling me to. I pulled back. “Dude. Why do you wanna go hang with the pit kids?”

Her face was flushed and she looked back nervously. “I just really want a smoke.”

I sighed. “I thought you were quitting.”

“I am. New Year’s res and all.” She walked over and held her hand out. One of the boys gave her a smoke and lit it. I looked down my nose at them all. I didn’t mean to, but it was a social class thing. Pit kids were druggies and smokers who skipped a lot and did drama. They would end up working as social workers or Walmart greeters. The lowest I ever went was jock hall, the hallway where the jocks hung out. They were the lowest acceptable form of humanity for someone like me.

I never, ever, went to the cafeteria where the freshmen hung in a cluster. They clung to each other for safety. I also avoided band lounge. No one wanted to be mistaken for a band or glee freak. The lounge might have been a cool place at one time, but when the glee club started, they took it over for rehearsals and then it became their haven.

No, I hung with the rest of the kids like me at the Starbucks down the road or in the courtyard where smoking wasn’t permitted.

One of the girls gave me a sneer and flicked her smoke near where I was standing. She flashed a creepy grin at me and stalked off. I gave Linna a look. She laughed. “Okay, we can go.”

“They’re like savages.”

She sighed. “I know. But if I buy a pack, I smoke a pack.”

I nudged her. “You have to quit.”

“I think I can smoke socially like the French do.”

“I don’t think that’s a smart plan. You’ll end up smoking more and more or during stressful times. Just quit.”

“Yes, boss.”

I laughed and we walked into the school from the pit entrance. The pit was an old parking lot that was only ever used for overflow parking. The side entrance led to the gleek lounge. We walked through, wincing from the singing and laughing going on. They were practicing for the assembly they were no doubt putting on for us all.

I laughed and clutched to Linna’s arm as we rounded the corner to jock hall. “Oh my God, we have to skip that. I can’t do any more crooner numbers.”

We stopped just before we walked into the chest of a guy. He was blocking the way. I didn’t have to look up to know who it was. My heart was pounding just from the scent of his cologne. My mouth went dry, and it felt like the walls were closing in on me.

I opened my mouth, but Linna saved the day. “We’re in a hurry.” She pulled me to the side, but Aiden stepped that way too. “I need to talk to you.”

I shook my head. “No thanks. I’m full up on crazy right now.”

Linna pointed. “Sell that shit somewhere else. She isn’t falling for it again.” Linna didn't know why I was angry, just that I was.

I couldn’t look at him until he tilted my face upward and I saw it. He was wearing a weird badge on his coat and there were men standing behind him. They were in suits and looked scary—Russian mob scary. Had he come as a prince? Was he outing himself for me?

Linna gave me a look. “What’s going on? Who are they?”

I gave her a nod. “It’s okay. I can talk to him for a second.”

“No way. This is a bad idea.”

I put a hand on her arm. “Just wait over there. I’ll be one second, literally.”

She walked away muttering, “I am coming and taking you in two minutes, Fin.” She stood with her back against the display case for trophies. Aiden looked back at the men. “Give me a minute.” They nodded and went and stood with Linna.

Aiden turned and I could see his eyes were stormy like they’d been at Peggy’s Cove. They sucked me in. He tried to smile, but it was pathetic. “I owe you a lot of explaining and apologies and begging and everything else.’’

I folded my arms across my chest. “I don’t really want to hear it. At all.”

He nodded. “I know that. When Jack gave me the ring, I should have known what the stupid thing was for. I’m an idiot.”

I scoffed. “Look, if that’s the part you’re worried about, don’t bother. I don’t care that you gave me the whore ring. I never gave you a reason to think that of me. I never acted like a whore. I’m not worried about it.”

His hand came out, taking mine from the firm grip it had on my arm and pulling it to him. “I know. That’s the thing I think I like the most about you… lo-lo-love the most about you. You knew who I was and you never tried to manipulate the situation.”

I stepped back. “You mean get pregnant on purpose?” His cheeks flushed, and I felt like my heart was being squeezed in a vise. “You think because I’m not royalty, I should want to throw my life away by getting pregnant and forcing someone to be with me or take care of me?”