Whisper (20 page)

I watch without commenting as Felicity writes all this.

It takes a little while. Felicity is not a whiner. She's never said any of this to me before, but I still feel like I should have known. I remember her mum coming to take her for custody visits. I remember thinking Vivian was really glamorous compared to my mum.

Mum is super-bossy, and she has been driving me crazy about all this school stuff. And I honestly feel like she hasn't been that interested in me lately. But I guess I do know that she cares. About Felicity. And about me.

I give it a moment for the thought to settle. I try to find a home for it inside me, and it's surprising that there seems to be a hollow part, a shape there where it might fit.

‘But you're nothing like your mum,' I say. ‘You're more like our mum. And you stayed home with the boys instead of finishing law, remember?'

She takes the pad.

Huh! That was the idea. But turns out I'm no better than she was. Don't have the patience.Can't even teach my son to make friends. Harry has ONE friend at school. You know that? Had to invite Ryan's work mates over just to get some kids for his party.

It clunks inside me, this information. It's like a rock that lands in the pit of my stomach. I'd assumed that she invited those people for her own reasons.

I've been so unfair.

‘Flick, you ARE a good mum.'

The nickname comes to me like I've never abandoned it.It's what I used to call her before I started thinking of her as Flawless.

‘And Harry's shy, but he's gorgeous. He'll make friends in time. They're both beautiful boys.'

I know. That's why they deserve more.

‘Don't be crazy. They love you and they're lucky to have you.And a mum can't
teach
her kids to make friends.'

Flick is being too hard on herself, just like Nadia was this afternoon. I feel like I've let myself off the hook somehow.I haven't been seeing the full picture, with Flick or with Mum, and I've been pretty mean, really.

Flick closes her eyes and pushes her fingers against them, her palms pressed into her cheeks. It's at least two minutes before she writes anything again.

I love them too but it's not enough. I get so frustrated. They need me ALL the time and I want to escape. I get this feeling, like they're sucking the life out of me. Like they've taken all my dreams. And then I feel guilty, like I should be happy but I'm not.

She looks around as though instructions for how to be happy are something she might find written on a piece of paper. I notice that her breathing is coming short and fast.I take hold of her hand, wondering whether I might not be the only one in the family who has panic attacks.

I wait. When she's calmed down, I gently remind her that Mum sometimes loses her temper with us, and used to a lot more when we were younger. ‘No-one's patient all the time,' I say.

It takes her a while to focus back on the notepad. Finally, she writes again. She leaves a big space and then the two words she writes are larger, much larger than her others.

You are

I shake my head. ‘I don't have them 24-7,' I protest. ‘I can give them back!'

I pause while I think it all through. Something occurs to me.

‘Maybe you could go back to uni? Finish your course?'

Flick shakes her head and writes,

Ryan wants me to look after the boys until they're both at school. He'd be disappointed in me. I'd be disappointed in me.

I can feel the pressure she's under, and I wonder why I've never realised this about my sister before. Maybe it's not so easy to please everyone all the time. It must be tough to cope with the stress of trying to be flawless, rather than doing what she needs to do and thinking what she needs to think.

‘I doubt it,' I say. ‘But even if it's true, you'd all get over it pretty quickly. No-one can be everything to everybody.

No-one's perfect.'

She jabs at the words already written in the notebook.

You are

I stare at her. I can't believe she'd think that about me.

It feels a long way from the truth.

‘Flick, I'm not perfect. I'm deaf, in case you haven't noticed! And I've been pretty angry about it, too.'

Felicity smiles, and it's unlike any smile I've ever seen on her. It's not a perfect beam of pearly-white teeth. It's small and wistful.

I'm not sure what takes hold of me. Maybe it's because everything has been too serious, but I cross my eyes and poke out my tongue. It's a Dad gesture. I know it and Flick knows it.

I can't hear her laughter, or my own. I wish I could.

But I can feel it and see it, so not being able to hear it doesn't change the experience of my sister and me, laughing until we cry.

chapter 26

I'm walking to homeroom on Monday morning when someone covers my eyes from behind. My heart jumps for a moment before I calm down. I swing around and lose the hands. It's Keisha. Luke is standing next to her.

‘Hi,' I sign. ‘How was your weekend?'

‘Luke had a giant hangover yesterday,' Keisha signs, and the face she's making is all sympathy, like the hangover had just happened to Luke without any help from him. Typical sweet Keisha.

‘What from?' I ask, not thinking.

‘It was the footy function,' Luke signs. He smiles. ‘Ethan looks good in a tutu.'

Luke makes the sign for ‘tutu', his hands darting out from his waist to make a frou-frou skirt, and it
should
be funny. I do get a sudden image of Ethan in pink netting, but I don't want it. I take in a sharp breath.

‘What about you, Chatter?' I ask. ‘Did you have a hangover too?'

‘I wasn't there,' Keisha replies, looking surprised.

‘That would have been awkward,' Luke signs and they both laugh.

Now I'm confused. Why would it have been awkward for Luke to take Keisha along? He's deaf too, so
he
wouldn't be embarrassed by her.

‘I might go next time,' Keisha signs, laughing again.‘It might be fun to crash a boys' night.'

Luke and Keisha start walking towards homeroom again.I watch as he puts his arm around her waist. His hand strays down to her bum and she pulls it back to her waist.

It's official. I. Am. An. Idiot. I have been an idiot with so many people that I reckon I need to make a list so I don't forget them all.

Flick.

Mum.

Nadia.

Ethan.

I can't believe I got this wrong too, but I've never been as happy to get something wrong as I am right now. I am a grinning idiot.

Ethan is not embarrassed by me.

I've deleted his texts without reading them. I will never know what they said. He must be wondering why I haven't replied to them. I don't know if I want to tell him, either.

If he doesn't know why I've been silent, I don't want to be the one to explain. It would be like polluting him with my stupid, paranoid thoughts.

At least I can text him now. I'm going to be late for homeroom, but this is important. Really important.

Hey Ethan. Sorry I didn't get back to u on the wkend. I had some family stuff to sort out.I hope u had fun at the footy function. Will I get to c the tutu??? Anyway would b good to get together again if u want 2. Am around most arvos this week, or maybe the wkend or on the hols.Maybe we could do some laps or maybe go 2 the park again or whatever.

‘Long text.' It's Stella and she's right beside me.

I nod, but cover the text with my hand.

‘Who's it to?' she asks.

‘Nobody,' I reply, a little too quickly. I know I look defensive, but that's how I feel. ‘Just a friend,' I add.

Stella shrugs and walks off to homeroom.

When I press send, I'm definitely doing a Jules. I'm begging the universe for Ethan to text me back. Please.

I'm sitting with Keisha when I check my phone at lunchtime.

There's a text from him.

Good to hear from you. Hope things ok with family.Can you meet me tonight after school? Feel like it's been ages. We could go to the park, where we sat last time? I'll be the guy in the pink tutu.

‘Cute,' Keisha says, looking over my shoulder. ‘You two make a good couple. Like me and Luke.'

I grin at her. I'm rapt. Totally. But I told Flick I'd look after Harry and Oscar tonight. I text Ethan. His reply comes back straight away.

Love kids. Bring them?

When I collect Harry and Oscar, Flick is out of bed, though she's still in her pyjamas. In fact, she's sitting at the kitchen table, going through some notes and bills and stuff. It looks like a baby step to somewhere better for her. I hope it is. I don't say anything about it though – Flick doesn't need the pressure.

‘Are you sure this is OK, Dem?' she asks, looking at me closely.

‘Totally,' I reply, and suddenly I have an armful of Oscar, and Harry is standing beside me beaming his most gorgeous smile like the world is new and exciting and he's happy that I'm taking him out.

The tram is pretty busy. I manage to get a seat for the boys, but I have to stand. As it rocks along, I'm in my own brand-new world too. A world where a gorgeous boy is waiting for me at the park. A gorgeous boy who is
not
embarrassed to be seen with a deaf girl.

There's a tap on my shoulder as we approach a stop.

‘I said, excuse me!' says a young woman in a business suit, looking very unimpressed. It looks like she's been saying that for ages and thinks I've been ignoring her.

I look her in the eyes and point to my ears. ‘I'm deaf,' I say, and for the first time it doesn't feel awful to say it.

It's a reason, not an excuse, and she needs to know that I haven't been rude on purpose.

Her hand flies up to her chest and her expression completely changes, like she thinks she's been a tool.

‘Oh, sorry!' she says. ‘Really sorry.'

I smile at her. ‘It's OK,' I say. Because it is. It's OK.

Harry is holding my right hand and Oscar has my left as we walk into the park. When Oscar spots the playground equipment up ahead, he lets go of my hand and bolts over to it. Harry looks up at me for permission.