Whisper (17 page)

Stella's signing slows down, as though she's about to make a point that needs to be clear. Understood. She stands up.

‘We should all be proud to be deaf.'

Now she's lost me completely. I feel my eyebrows furrow.

What is there to be proud of? Being deaf isn't an achievement. It's a freaking disability.

I don't say anything though. For the moment, I'm just watching. Stella is on a roll. She looks at me directly, for some reason, before she continues.

‘To be deaf is to be part of a culture. Are you proud of your heritage? Are you proud of being Australian, or French, or Chinese?' Stella looks at Ling, who's Chinese.

I feel like Stella is losing it. It doesn't even make sense, what she's saying.

‘That's different to being deaf,' I sign. ‘Those are countries you're talking about. Not –' I don't want to sign ‘disabilities'.I'm pretty sure it's not only Stella who would have a problem with that. ‘Not physical differences,' I finish up.

Stella has an instant response. ‘They're cultures!' she signs. ‘Just like we have in the deaf community. Sign is a language. Just like English or French or Chinese. We need to nurture our culture. We need to build our own society and make rules of our own. We can't trust the hearies to make rules for us.'

She's using the devil's ears for hearies again, like they're the enemy. It's not fair and it's not right, and I'm not buying it.

‘Not all hearing people are out to oppress us,' I sign.

‘We all have hearing friends and family who we trust.'

‘Do we?' Stella signs, and the way she's looking at me is
really
annoying. Her eyebrows are raised and her eyes are hard.

‘Well, I certainly do,' I sign, standing up too. ‘Maybe
you
don't but it's ridiculous to generalise about hearies, just like it's ridiculous to generalise about the French, or the Chinese, or anyone.'

I feel pumped now. I've been so busy avoiding conflict, not wanting to draw attention to myself, I'd forgotten how good it feels to really debate a topic. To really express myself.

I think of Ethan, of the afternoon we had together and the texts he's sent me, and the feelings he's sparked in me that I want to continue feeling. I think of Nadia and Dad, and even Mum and Flawless. Even though I'm angry with a lot of them on some level, it's not like I've stopped loving the hearies in my life.

‘Well, good luck to you,' says Stella. ‘But when it comes to the crunch, we can only trust people who share our experience. We have to face the fact that we will never belong to their world, that we'll always be excluded.Do your hearing friends sign, D-e-m-i? Do they commit to understanding you? Or do you have to make all the effort to understand them?'

Suddenly it's just the two of us having this argument and I feel flushed and pissed off because she doesn't even know the people she's slamming. Because she's making this personal. I wonder if she saw Stavros's text inviting me to his party. And it's as though she knows about the lights going out. About what Nadia and Shae said in the kitchen.

‘I agree with some things you've said,' I sign to Stella, ‘but you take it too far and it's stupid. You can't say that everyone in the hearing world is out to get you. It's just paranoid
.

It doesn't even make sense. I have friends who can hear.Of course I do –'

‘So do your hearing friends sign?' Stella interrupts.

‘They've learnt a bit,' I reply.

‘A bit,' Stella repeats, and it's like her closing argument, like she's Casey Novak, D.A, resting her case. She sits back down in her seat, which annoys me even more.

‘OK, OK!' Alistair signs. He looks pleased we are having such a passionate discussion, even though it perhaps took a different direction than he expected. He glances at his watch. ‘Now you can put the tables back and start your letter to the editor. You have fifteen minutes. Let's go.'

I haven't had an argument like that for a long time. Since I went deaf I've been keeping my arguments to myself. I feel like I could have expressed myself better just now. It's frustrating – my signing is still nowhere near as good as Stella's.

The writing task calms me down. I'm still writing when others start to leave the classroom for recess. I notice that Stella is going hard as well. I'm nearly finished when she appears in front of my desk. The look on her face suggests she's enjoyed going a couple of rounds with me.

‘So, did you always have to sit by the door, or did that just start when you went deaf?'

I fold my arms. I didn't think anyone had really noticedI give her a shrug. I don't really know why I started sitting near the door, why I started getting so weird about knowing where the exit is.

‘Don't worry, D-e-m-i. It's pretty standard. It's actually
common
for deaf people in a hearing environment. It's so you have an escape route for when things get too difficult, right?'

I don't respond, but she's absolutely right about it being an escape route and the habit did start after I went deaf.

I hadn't really paid attention to how ingrained it's become.

Stella fishes around in her laptop case. Then she hands me a piece of paper. It's an invitation.

‘Saturday night,' she signs, ‘we're having a party at my place. It's only people from the deaf community. Why don't you come and check it out?'

There's a challenge there, I'm sure of it. To compare parties, deaf and hearing. But Stella doesn't seem to have taken anything personally. I wish I could say the same for myself.

‘I'd really like you to come,' she signs. She seems genuine.

I won't go. I'll probably be out with Ethan anyway.

But there's no point in telling her that.

‘Yeah, maybe,' I sign.

chapter 22

Ethan texts me on Saturday afternoon. There's a warm feeling inside my chest as I click for the message to come up.

So yeah, can't take you along tonight. Bummer. See you tomorrow? I could pick you up and we could do something, just the two of us?

The warmth drops in temperature, bit by bit, as I read and re-read the message.
So yeah, can't take you along tonight.

Bummer.

Bummer.

And the realisation creeps in, even as I try to stop it.He can't take me along tonight because I'm deaf. He has decided it would be embarrassing to be seen with me in public, to have his friends hear my weird voice.

I realise that Ethan didn't introduce me to any of his friends at the milk bar. He walked over to me so that he wouldn't have to.

See you tomorrow? I could pick you up and we could do something, just the two of us?

That's all very convenient. He's happy to see me by myself, in private. The hot, deaf girl. Just not in public.

I can't believe it. Stella's arguments swirl around my head.Deaf people can't trust the hearies. Deaf people will always be excluded.

This is worse than just being excluded, though. I can't believe I got him so wrong. I don't reply. I won't reply, ever again.

I sit on my bed. I close my eyes and press my eyelids with my fingers, but it doesn't stop the tears. I am forced to brush them away with my thumbs, like windscreen wipers.

I don't know how long I sit there for.

Later, when there are no more tears, Mum comes in. She sits beside me, really close. She puts her arm around me and pulls me to her, like she knows something is wrong.I feel it building, like I'm going to blurt it all out, blurt out about Ethan and Nadia and Shae and everything being so confusing.

But first I just want some time with my mum's arm around me. I lean into her. She turns my head so I can see her face.

‘Dem, I have to go to Felicity's again. Things are pretty bad for her, love. She's really struggling.'

Up close, Mum looks like I feel. Shattered. But I'm angry again. I
know
that Felicity will be all right. She always is.A proper mum wouldn't do this. A proper mum would see that
I'm
really struggling. I pull away.

‘Come with me?' she says.

I shake my head, making a snap decision. ‘I have a party to go to.' I sign it. I don't speak. ‘Maybe you can drop me there on the way. If it's not too much trouble.'

Stella's house is behind a large fence, covered in vines.I open the gate. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. The house sits at the end of a winding pathway, set in a garden with lots of enormous trees. There are statues dotted around the garden. They look like figures from mythology or fairy tales. I am face to face with a naked man.He is motley white. His hair is snake-like, the coils writhing around each other.

Further down the pathway is a pond. Giant goldfish swim around, poking up through the surface of the water. Hugging the side of the pond, lying on her side, is a mermaid statue.Her tail is a colourful mosaic.

I feel like I'm in a different world, and it's good because I don't want to be anywhere I know right now. I don't even really want to be me, but I can't shake that off. This will have to do.

I'm not far from the house now. The front door is wide open and a bright light shines from the hallway. There is a doorbell next to the door. I ring it, but the open door suggests that I should go in without waiting for it to be answered.

I'm halfway down the hall when a woman appears. It's pretty clear who she is. There's a heap of Stella about her.She's about the same height, although there's a bit more flesh on her, and her eyes have the same deep, dark brown intensity.

‘Hi, I'm D-e-m-i,' I say and sign at the same time.

I know Stella's family is all deaf and that Stella doesn't voice, but I don't know whether her mum does. I'm hedging my bets.

‘Star has told me all about you,' she signs, smiling broadly.

She doesn't mouth at all, but her signing is effusive. When she makes the sign for ‘star', thumb and index finger flicking into the air, it's large and generous.

‘You're the new girl,' she continues. ‘The smart one who is going to be a lawyer!'

I am amazed that Stella has told her mum about me at all,let alone that I'm smart. But I'm a bit uncomfortable with the idea that I'm
going
to be a lawyer. It's pretty different to
wanting
to be one.

‘Beautiful garden,' I sign. ‘I like your statues.' I want to move away from the whole lawyer thing.

‘Thanks,' she signs. ‘I only finished the mermaid a week ago, so the fish are still getting used to her.'

‘Wow,' I sign. ‘Did you make them?' and this time my own signing is a bit over the top. She nods and smiles. I guess I know where Stella got her artistic genes from.

There is an explosion of light and movement as I follow Stella's mum down the hallway. The kitchen and living room are open plan, and there are people everywhere. A big light sits on the kitchen bench. It starts flashing, and it must be attached to the doorbell, because more people are coming down the hallway behind me.

A woman is sitting at the kitchen bench, signing at a laptop. She is pictured in the bottom corner of the screen, like she's making a skype video call. An interpreter fills the rest of the screen. It looks like he's relaying what the woman is signing to someone, and interpreting their responses into sign for the woman at the bench.

Looking closer I see she's ordering Thai. It's pretty cool.This house is totally set up for deafness. I think of my alert pager and my mobile. That's all I have.

Over in one corner I spot Stella. She is standing with some adults and has the familiar focused look of hers.

‘Imagine if you had been out when it happened,' she is signing. ‘What would J-i-l-l have done?' She doesn't wait for an answer, and it actually makes me smile. Stella is on a roll again.

‘That's why we all have to lobby the state government,' she continues.