Where Yesterday Lives (30 page)

He gave her a bland look. “I just want you to rub some more lotion on my back.”

She nodded, feeling foolish for making more of his actions than he intended. She did as he asked, this time as quickly as possible. When she finished she handed him the bottle.

“Okay, Barrett, get yourself up and let’s play a little Frisbee.” He reached into his backpack and pulled out a white plastic disc.

Ellen was thankful for the distraction, thankful they hadn’t discussed the feelings she knew had come alive again between them. She stood up and ran down the shore until she was positioned just right.

Jake tossed the Frisbee in her direction and she snagged it expertly, returning it to him in a single motion.

“You haven’t lost your touch,” he shouted. “Try this one.”

He flung it into the air so that it hung on the breeze and floated gently toward her. She ran forward, concentrating on her timing. Then, just as she was about to pull it from the air, Jake picked her up around her thighs and threatened to dump her in the water again.

“Jake Sadler! Come on. I’m still cold from last time.”

“Tell me I’m king of the beach!” He laughed and swung her precariously near the water.

“Not on your life!” She flailed at him, jabbing him beneath his upper ribs and trying to push herself free.

“Tell me I’m the handsomest man in the world!” He spun her around in the shallow surf, and she could feel the cold water on her feet.

“Get real!” She struggled harder, laughing at the same time.

Suddenly he stopped. With deliberate slowness, he lowered her in front of him. He placed his hands tenderly on either side of her face and his voice was soft when he spoke again. “Tell me you still have feelings for me, Ellen.” His eyes searched hers and he wove his fingers into her hair.

“Jake…” She was having trouble breathing, and tears filled her eyes as she looked into his. Breaking the connection, she hung her head, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. “Jake, I can’t.”

There was silence for a moment, then Jake stepped back from her. “I know I’m sorry.” Ellen saw from the look in his eyes that the apology was sincere. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Sometimes I think you know me better than anyone,” she said, tears spilling onto her cheeks. “What do you see when you look into my eyes?”

He spoke quietly, studying her face. “You still feel. For me.”

She nodded. “A part of me will always love you. But that doesn’t change the facts, Jake. I’m married. It’s wrong for us… for me…”

“Don’t say it, Ellen. I understand. I was wrong to push it.” He reached out as though to touch her cheek, then let his hand fall to his side, a crooked smile on his face.

Ellen fought a sob. “I love my husband, Jake.” At his steady look, she shook her head. “I know, I know. I called you. I agreed to come here with you. I…I don’t know why. I wanted to find something, to feel something.” She met his gaze again. “But I can’t have some cheap affair on the beach while Mike thinks I’m here mourning my father’s death.” She moved away
from him, angry with herself as she trudged toward her towel. He followed and they sat together in silence.

“Okay, then,” Jake sighed and his sad smile nearly broke Ellen’s heart. “Tell me about Mike.”

Ellen drew a deep breath and stared at the endless deep, blue waters of Lake Michigan. It was colder and more intense looking than the Atlantic, and Ellen realized how much she had missed it. The breeze was stronger than before and clouds had formed in the west, blocking the sun.

“Mike is bright and funny and handsome. And a very good broadcaster. The execs at the network have their eyes on him for a national spot.”

Jake’s eyebrow arched slightly and he hesitated. “That’s not what I mean, Ellen…. Tell me why you love him.”

She sighed and hugged her knees close to her body “Oh, Jake. Don’t ask me that. Not now”

“I’m not trying to stump you. I just want to know what he has. What’s so special about him? How come after you two met you were finally able to let go of us?”

Ellen pondered his question. What had been special about Mike? For one thing, he’d shared her faith and because of that she’d been certain God had brought Mike into her life. She was still certain. But after what had almost happened between her and Jake she was embarrassed to talk about her faith. She knew she wouldn’t sound convincing. Not now when her faith was being tested and her feelings for Mike were so shaky

After a while she turned her head and stared at Jake. “I trust him,” she said simply

Jake looked as if she’d taken a hammer to his gut. His face filled with regret and he turned away, gazing out at the water.

When he said nothing, she continued. “You let it happen, Jake. I was coming to your house that day to tell you I would
be there forever. I only wanted to know I could trust you.”

He lowered his head.

“Then that…that girl answered the door. Wearing nothing but your bathrobe.”

He reached for her hand and squeezed it once before letting it go. “I’m sorry Ellen. I’ve been sorry ever since. Really You deserved better.”

Ellen nodded. “You broke my heart, you jerk,” she said softly Her eyes were wet again. “All I ever wanted was to stay in love with you the rest of my life. But you weren’t content with that. I wasn’t enough for you, Jake.”

He was silent, pensive as he watched her.

“That’s what I love about Mike,” she said finally. “I trust him. I’m enough for him.” She paused. “And he won’t ever break my heart.”

Jake nodded. “Good. I’m happy for you, Ellen. Really, I am.”

“I’m not saying it’s perfect. But being with you these last two days I’ve really had to think about my life and what’s important. There are reasons you and I broke up, and reasons Mike and I married. I can’t forget that now that I’m here with you again.” There was silence for a moment before she continued. “My marriage is important to me, Jake. I want it to work.”

“I know. Forgive me?”

She studied him. “Forgiven.”

“Let’s forget about it, okay? I guess it’s only natural for us to remember how we felt about each other.”

“I guess.”

Jake smiled at her. “Made you forget your family for a while, though, didn’t I?”

She tossed a fist of sand at his feet. “Jake Sadler, I thought you’d grown up and quit your incessant teasing.”

He grinned. “Some things never change.”

She thought of the way he made her feel and she uttered a short laugh. “That’s for sure.”

For the rest of the day they kept their conversation on safer topics. Her job at the newspaper, his business. By midafternoon they’d caught up on nine years, all the while keeping a careful distance from each other. Finally, they climbed back on their rented bicycles and continued the rest of the way around the island. After they turned their bikes in, they walked along Main Street and sampled Island Almond Fudge and Northern Nutty White Chocolate.

At four o’clock they boarded a ferry headed back to the mainland. The air had cooled considerably and Ellen started when something came over her shoulders. It was Jake’s shirt. He’d draped it around her without saying a word. She smiled her thanks, and he nodded. Though he didn’t touch her, his nearness had an almost physical impact on her. The boat arrived at the dock and they walked across the parking lot to his truck. He led her to the passenger side, and before he opened her door, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close.

They had lost a great deal, and they both knew they could never have it again. The rules had been established. But for that moment they needed to say good-bye to’ what they’d found on a secluded island beach in the middle of Lake Michigan.

“Thank you,” she said finally, tilting her head, looking up into Jake’s face. “Thanks for today. Thanks for understanding.”

Jake’s hands tightened ever so slightly about her waist and their faces were inches from each other. If he lowered his head now, kissed her, Ellen didn’t know if she could stop herself.
Don’t let him do it, God. Please! I’m so weak and if he kisses me, I’ll never go home again. Help me here, Lord
.

Seconds passed and finally she saw him clench his jaw and
pull back. He took her hands in his.

“It was a day from the past.” He smiled. “I won’t ever forget it, Ellen.”

Thirty minutes later he dropped her off a few houses away from her parents’ home.

“Just in case our being together might cause trouble with the others,” he said.

Ellen smiled tenderly. “Thanks again for today,” she whispered.

He squeezed her hands gently. “Don’t thank me, Ellen. I never thought I’d see you again and…well…I’ll always remember today. I haven’t had a day like that in years.”

“Years?” she teased.

He didn’t laugh. Didn’t even smile. “Nine years, to be exact.”

She looked down at her hands, unsure of what to say. Her eyes fell on her wedding band.

“You go on,” he said finally. “Call me if you need me.”

Ellen nodded and reached for the door handle. “Thanks for understanding…about me and Mike. It was good for me to talk about him.”

Jake smiled sadly “Me, too. He’s a lucky man, Ellen.” He paused. “Don’t think I wouldn’t give anything to be in his shoes, because I would.”

“Jake…”

“I know. We had our time. But don’t ever mistake how I feel about you. No amount of time can change that. Now go inside before I drive away with you and whisk you off to some undiscovered island to live with me forever.”

“You’re crazy.”

Again, there was no humor in his level gaze. “I’m honest. Now go.”

She smiled, thanked him again, and said good-bye. After a few steps, she turned to wave again, but her hand froze at her side. She’d caught sight of Jake’s face just before he drove away…and there had been tears running down his face.

J
ane’s children were down for a nap in her parents’ spare bedroom and she was wandering around the hallway looking at framed photographs. Megan, Amy, and Aaron were in the den finishing lunch, trying to figure out what to say at their father’s funeral. For that moment at least, peace reigned in the Barrett household.

Jane came upon an old, gold-framed photo and studied the roughly colored print of Ellen and her at four and two years old. Even back then Ellen looked confident while Jane looked uncertain. Jane noted how, in the picture, she had leaned on her older sister for support.

That had certainly changed.

Now her support came from Troy. She wished he were there so he could calm her down, make her less angry around the others. They had all misunderstood her. It wasn’t that she was mad at them. She simply couldn’t relate to their sorrow and so had become increasingly frustrated. She could hardly wait for the week to be over so she could return to her calm, peaceful life in the Verde Valley.

She heard footsteps and she glanced out the window to see Ellen, looking tanned and relaxed. Jane’s mouth twisted. How was it that while Jane was wrestling with the memory of being raped, struggling with indifference over her father’s death, Ellen was off sunning herself with an old friend on the beach all day?

Ellen flung her things on an oversized chair and smiled tentatively at Jane. She was still savoring her day and the last thing
she wanted was another fight. “Hi, how’s everyone doing?”

Jane uttered a short laugh. “Like you care.”

Fine
, Ellen thought.
End of discussion
. She shrugged and without saying another word headed toward the den where the others had turned off the television so they could talk.

“I can’t think of what to write,” Aaron was saying as she walked in.

He was stretched out in their father’s easy chair, his mannerisms almost identical to those of their dad. Ellen sat next to Megan on a comfortable old sofa that had been in the family for years.

“What’s the discussion?”

“Where’ve you been?” Amy asked. There was no accusation in her voice, but Amy looked nervous and intimidated by her siblings.

“The beach.”

“By yourself?”

“No, with an old friend.”

“Who?” Megan asked curiously.

“No one you’d remember,” she lied. “So, what’re you guys talking about?”

“Trying to figure out what to write for Dad’s funeral.” Amy studied a page of notes in front of her and wrinkled her face. “Any ideas?”

“Well, it’s supposed to be a private thing. I mean, you’re supposed to write what
you
remember about Dad. Not what any of the rest of us remembers. Am I right?” She looked to Aaron and Megan.

Aaron snorted in frustration and slammed his notes onto the table next to the easy chair. For an instant Ellen remembered that her father had kept his medicine on that table after his bypass surgery. For three months he convalesced in that chair until both thirty-six-inch incisions, one down the center of his chest, the other along the inside of his left leg, had healed. How could a person smoke again after that?

She brought herself back to focus on her brother. “What’s wrong, Aaron?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“Not you. What you said,” he barked. “You say it’s supposed to be our own writing, but I’m not a writer. I can’t put things down on paper like you and Megan and everyone else. I need a little help. Is that all right with you?”

“I wasn’t trying to start a fight, Aaron. I only want you to understand the purpose of doing separate eulogies. It’s what each of us individually remembers about Dad. Not what someone else remembers.”

“Okay, but what am I supposed to say?”

“Exactly,” Amy joined in. “How are we supposed to come up with the right words? I want to write something, say something that comes from my heart. But I can’t think of anything.”

“Okay, tell you what—” Ellen looked at Amy, her mind racing—“start with you, Amy. Tell me what you loved most about Dad. What you’ll always remember.”

Amy squirmed uncomfortably. “Well, he was bigger than life, kind of like my hero, I guess.” Her eyes grew damp and Ellen tilted her head in empathy

“He was, wasn’t he.”

Amy nodded, wiping a stray tear.

“Okay What else?” Ellen coaxed tenderly, aware that Aaron watched them intently.