Where Yesterday Lives (27 page)

Ellen did not examine his statement but reached for another tissue instead. “So, you think things will work out for me and Jane? You think we’ll have an understanding between us again?”

Jake smiled and brushed a lock of hair off Ellen’s forehead. “If there’s one thing your father left behind, it’s love. He loved his family the way some people never love in their lifetime. I watched him all those years. He was a wonderful dad, a real maker of memories.”

Ellen sniffled again. “He was, wasn’t he?”

“Yes. And everyone in your family loves each other with an intensity that goes beyond words. I’ve seen that for myself, too. No matter what Jane says to you or how she’s been acting lately, I know she loves you, Ellen.”

Ellen looked doubtful. “I don’t know, Jake. You haven’t seen her in a while. Something’s changed. I know I said it already, but I don’t know any other way to describe it. It’s like she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you. The two of you have your differences, that’s all. Maybe it’s best that you live in Miami and she lives in Arizona. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.”

Ellen sighed. “I don’t know. These days it’s hard to see any love in her at all.”

“Give it time. Watch for a chance to reach out to her. Maybe she’ll open up and tell you what’s wrong. Maybe it’s more than your dad’s death, maybe she’s dealing with something else.”

Ellen nodded. “Okay I’ll try. At least I don’t feel like jumping on a plane and heading back to Miami tomorrow morning.” She looked at Jake and smiled, wiping her eyes with her fingertips. “Thanks. Somehow I knew you’d understand.”

“No thanks needed, Ellen. I’m always here for you.” His steady gaze held hers. “I hope you know that.”

They talked a while longer, filling in simple details about the years that had passed. It was ten-thirty when they pulled up in front of Megan’s apartment, and the lights were off inside.
Jake cut the engine and turned to face Ellen. His voice was soft, gentle.

“Don’t take this wrong, but it was good to see you again.”

Ellen’s eyes grew moist. “I know. After all these years, who’d have thought we’d ever have a night like this?”

“Yeah, you weren’t exactly speaking to me last time I saw you.”

“I spoke to you.” Ellen pushed him playfully in the chest. “Just not any longer than you deserved.”

“Touchè.” His smile faded then, and Ellen could see his regret. After nearly a decade they could kid about what had happened between them, but it still wasn’t funny Not really. It never would be.

“Ellen, I’ve always wanted to tell you—”

“Jake, don’t say anything. I didn’t call you looking for a bunch of apologies. The past is behind us.”

He let it go, but he looked pensive. “Are you happy, Ellen? In your life, I mean?”

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair nervously. She caught Jake’s eye, saw him watching the gesture, and quickly dropped her hand. It was something she’d always done, and he’d know it wasn’t a good sign. She shrugged. “Most of the time, but…oh, I don’t know. Mike and I are having a little trouble right now, I guess. There’s a distance between us. He doesn’t like to go out of his way for me, and sometimes that gets old. Like staying home while I attend my dad’s funeral.”

Jake listened, but again he maintained his silence. Ellen appreciated that he didn’t try to fix things, to offer her solutions or explanations. It was becoming more and more evident Jake’s physical appearance wasn’t the only thing enhanced by the years. Jake Sadler had learned that sometimes it was better just to be silent and listen.

Ellen settled into her seat again, feeling safe and free to talk. “Mike’s a wonderful man and a brilliant broadcaster. But I
miss the romance we had at first. Most of the time it’s like we don’t even want to be together anymore.” She shrugged. “Just something we have to work out,
I
guess.”

“Ellen.” Jake looked anxious, like he wasn’t sure if he should say what was coming. “Do you ever wonder?”

Again tears stung her eyes and she released a shaky sigh. “Oh, Jake. Of course. How could I not?” She leaned back against the seat and stared straight ahead at invisible memories floating in the summer breeze. “You were my first love. You took my heart by the hand and led me on a wonderful ride. And when I think about the bad times now, they’re not so terrible. Just sad.”

“Time does that, doesn’t it? Makes the bad times not so bad after all.”

Ellen nodded. “I wouldn’t have stayed around if the good times didn’t make up for it. I guess I always thought we’d stay together.”

“Me too.”

She hugged herself tightly and kept her gaze on the trees outside. “You know, Jake, there were times after we broke up when I could have killed you for not being faithful. You ruined all our plans.” She glanced at him and saw that his eyes were wet, too. “I talked to your mom once after Mike and I were engaged and you know what she said? She said, ‘Are you really sure, Ellen. I always hoped you would wait until Jake grew up.’”

She laughed self-consciously. “I had second thoughts about marrying Mike for more than a month after that. I kept wondering if she was right, if maybe it was only a matter of time before you really did grow up and everything could be like I always wanted it to be.”

She fell silent, then nodded slowly. “Yeah, Jake. I wonder.” She smiled sadly at him. “But I know what would have happened. In time we would have hated each other, because as charming as you were, as much as I was in love with you, you
didn’t have it in you to be faithful. And if we had gotten married, your cheating would have destroyed me.” She drew a deep breath. “How are things for you? Megan says you’re not married.”

Jake shook his head.

“Seeing anyone?” She was ashamed of herself, but in some ways she didn’t want to know, didn’t want to feel the familiar pangs of jealousy where he was concerned.

“No. There’s no one. I date once in a while, but nothing serious.” His eyes narrowed as if he was trying to see into her soul, the way he had so easily when they were together. “I guess I’m still looking.”

Ellen raised a wary eyebrow.

“I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like before. Actually, I haven’t been on a date in months. No time, really.” He paused and seemed to struggle for a moment. “I’m not the same guy I was back then, Ellen.”

She smiled. “We’ve both changed, Jake.” For a moment she considered telling Jake about the biggest change in her life since they’d broken up, about becoming a Christian. In some ways she owed her conversion to him, since it had come in the wake of their breakup. She wanted to thank him for that…but if she told him about it, she’d also have to tell him she had prayed for God to keep him out of her life. And, somehow, it just didn’t seem right to do that right now.

“Well, I know I’m different. I was a jerk, and I learned my lesson.”

“At my expense.”

He spoke slowly, deliberately. “At
our
expense.”

Ellen sat up straighter and reached for the door. They had crossed into dangerous territory and she knew better than to stay “Well, on that note I should probably go in. The week’s pretty much planned for me. I told my family to work things out without me tonight so they’ll probably have a whole list for me to do tomorrow.”

“When’s the funeral?”

“Saturday morning.” Ellen stretched and then reached down to tighten the laces on her tennis shoes.

“Would you mind if I go? I loved him, too, you know.”

She sat up slowly and studied Jake’s face, remembering the reasons she had fallen in love with him. “You did, didn’t you?”

He nodded.

Ellen smiled sadly. “I’m glad you want to be there. I could use the support.”

“You don’t think it’ll raise any questions?”

“Of course not. You’re a friend of the family, a friend of my father. Everyone would understand.”

Jake nodded again. “All right. Then I’ll see you Saturday.”

“Okay.” Ellen watched as he got out of the truck. He ambled gracefully around to her door and opened it so she could climb out. When she stood before him she saw he had grown several inches over the years.

“You’re taller.”

“Yeah, runs in the family My dad grew a few inches in his twenties, too.”

“It looks good on you.”

“Thanks.” He stared at her, his gaze intense. “The years look good on you, too.”

They studied each other, and Ellen was keenly aware of the narrow space between them. A gentle wind sifted through the trees above them, and Jake’s eyes grew soft as he stared into hers.

The sudden image of Mike’s eyes, Mike’s face, drifted into Ellen’s mind. She stepped back. “I’d better go.” It was hardly wise to linger in the moonlight on a summer night in Petoskey with the breeze from Lake Michigan dancing in the trees above and Jake Sadler so close she only had to lean forward to kiss him.

“I hope things get better with Jane.”

“Me, too. Thanks again, Jake.” She smiled, sadness filling her,
then turned and ran lightly up the walk toward the apartment.

“Call me again if you need a break,” he yelled softly after her. “I’m taking tomorrow off to catch up on things at home.”

She nodded and waved once more before going inside.

When her eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw that Jane and Megan were sitting on the couch watching television. They turned and stared at her, and she felt like a schoolgirl caught out past curfew.

“Where were you?” Jane stared at her hard.

“Out.” Ellen did not feel obligated to share the truth with her sisters. They probably wouldn’t understand, anyway

“With whom?”

“A friend.”

Jane cast a disgusted look at her older sister. “Fine. Don’t tell us.”

Megan seemed sad as she turned away from the program and looked at Ellen. “We missed you tonight. You should have stayed around.”

“I needed a break.”

Megan shrugged. “I know. Mom understood. It’s just that the week is going fast, and I’d wanted us to spend as much time together as possible before we go our separate ways.”

Jane snorted softly and Ellen forgot all the comforting words Jake had said. He was right. There had to be something else wrong with Jane.
Help me find out what it is that’s destroying her, Lord. I can’t do this on my own
.

“We made a decision about the eulogy.” Jane turned to the television again.

“What?” Ellen remained by the door, her cheeks still flushed from the warm summer air and Jake’s nearness.

“Everyone’s writing something and reading it at the funeral. Just like Mom wanted.”

Ellen felt her anger rise, but she stayed quiet. She could picture Jane gleefully orchestrating that decision to spite her.

“Did you hear me?” Jane stared at her impatiently.

“Yes. Who decided that?”

“All of us. You went out socializing for the night so you’ll just have to go along with it.”

Ellen thought of a dozen smart comebacks, but she refrained. Jane wasn’t going to ruin what had become a nice evening. Not this time. “Fine,” she said when she had a handle on her temper. “I’m going to sleep. Good night.”

Megan spoke up. “By the way, we’re not planning much for tomorrow. Mom has some things she wants to do on her own. We’re invited for dinner and I thought we could all hang out there during the day Maybe go for a walk or something. Then Thursday we’ll shop for funeral clothes and a casket. That’s what Mom said, anyway.”

“Okay. Fine.” Ellen crossed the room in front of them and headed for the spare bedroom, which she and Jane and the children were sharing.

“Is there any other place you could sleep?” Jane called after her.

“You have a better suggestion? A hotel, maybe? A park bench?”

Jane swore under her breath. “You’re so sarcastic, Ellen. I just wondered if you could please sleep on the sofa tonight so you don’t wake the kids. Last night I didn’t get any sleep with all of us crammed in there.”

Now Megan rolled her eyes. “Oh, brother! The room’s small. Deal with it.”

“Whatever.” Ellen sighed. “I’ll sleep on the couch. But seeing as you guys are watching television, what am I supposed to do until you’re ready to go to bed?”

Jane released a forced burst of air and stood up in a huff. “I’m going. Don’t worry” She glared at Ellen. “Just like old times, huh, Ellen? When Ellen speaks, people move. Daddy’s precious Ellen has to have whatever she wants as soon as she wants it.” Jane picked up her pillow and stormed out of the room.

When she was out of earshot Ellen looked wearily at
Megan. “What’s the deal with her?”

“I don’t know You two get in a fight before Dad died?”

“Not that I can remember. But there must be something going on. I’ve never seen her like this.”

Megan nodded. “I know I see it, too.”

Ellen remembered Jake’s words earlier that night.
Maybe there’s something else bothering her…why don’t you ask her?
“Oh, well. Tomorrow I’ll talk to her and get to the bottom of it.”

“I hope so. Maybe she’s just upset about Dad.”

“That doesn’t give her the right to act like this.”

“I know.” Megan sighed and rubbed her neck absently “Well, I’m turning in, too. I’ll get some blankets for the couch.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Ellen began moving pillows to make room.

“Hey, Ellen…”

Ellen turned, distracted by memories of the evening with Jake. “Hmm?”

“Let’s hope tomorrow’s a better day. Daddy wouldn’t have wanted everyone fighting with each other.”

Ellen sighed and flopped onto the couch, clutching a pillow to her midsection. “I know it. But things are different now, Megan. Everything has changed so much.” Even
Jake Sadler
, she thought sadly.
Just a few years too late
.

“You’re right.” Megan hugged her rib cage. “But it’s so hard on Mom this way, with you and Jane at each other all the time.”

“I’m trying my best.” The insinuation that Ellen was partially to blame for the problems was frustrating. “What more can I do?”

“It’s Jane’s problem. Everyone can see that. But try to get along. For Mom’s sake.”

Ellen nodded. “I’ll do my best. Tomorrow’s another day. Maybe we can talk things out, and she’ll be back to her old self.”