Where the Wild Rose Blooms (38 page)

"I couldn't stand it, Eddie. I know people will stare. I just couldn't stand it." Her voice was going higher and higher.

"Is there a problem?" Robert's voice came from the other side of the door.

Eddie made sure that Jackie's nightgown was in place and went to open it.

"She's panicked about going to church."

"I can't, Robert," she spoke as she heard his steps entering the room. "And you're not going to make me!" Her hands were clenched so tightly at her side that her nails were biting into her skin.

Robert came forward and without warning caught Jackie's jaw in his hand. It was not harsh, nor was his voice cruel, but he was master over her and she knew it.

"In this house we attend church on Sundays. What you get out of it is up to you, but we will be going, and you with us."

"Oh, Robert," she whispered fearfully, her hands now flapping in panic. "Please don't make me."

Robert moved his hand to her shoulder in a tender gesture. "Jackie, we're not here to humiliate you. Eddie will help you with your clothing and hair, and you'll look lovely. If people stare it will be because we have such an attractive sister who's come to live with us. Our church family will be delighted to meet you."

Jackie's breathing was still coming hard and fast.

"Jackie," Robert said, his voice still gentle. "The first time will be the hardest. When the road dries a little more, you'll be going shopping with Eddie and doing everything she does. I believe with all my heart that you can enjoy a wonderful life." Jackie did not look convinced, but he finished with, "Get some sleep now; tomorrow will be a big day."

She never did agree, but Robert meant to have his way on this. He left Eddie to settle her in for the night—not something she usually did, but tonight Jackie needed it. They said nothing more on the subject, but when Eddie joined Robert in their bedroom, she shook her head.

"I'm not certain this is going to work."

Robert didn't comment but reached to unbutton the back of the dress Eddie was presenting to him. Both knew they would just have to wait and see.

Jackie could see the church but not touch it or be heard. Clayton was walking down the aisle. There was a beautiful blonde woman on his arm, and as Jackie stared, the woman and Clayton went to stand before the preacher. He said some words that Jackie couldn't make out and touched their heads, and then Jackie watched as they kissed. A bunch of little children ran out of nowhere, and Clayton gathered them all into his arms. His bride too. He looked so happy. Just as he left the church, he caught Jackie's eye and winked.
..

Jackie came awake in a rush, senses returning with a jolt. She sat up and was still panting when the clock began chiming downstairs. She counted. Only 4:00. Her chest was still heaving when she lay back down. It was a dream. Nothing but a dream.

"Oh, Clay," she said in the dark. "How will I go on? How will I live like this? If I thought you wouldn't stay out of pity, I might have written and explained, but I couldn't take that chance. If you pitied me, I would die, and I can't see your
eyes
to know the truth."

Her chest rose on a huge sigh as the pain of it all gripped her again. She put a hand to her ribs and could feel each one. She knew her breasts were smaller too, shrunken. She could circle one wrist with the fingers from the other hand and overlap them by what felt like inches. She knew she looked like a skeleton. It was surprising too, as she had always had a good figure and appetite. She might have run to fat if she hadn't been so busy all the time. But now, even though she spent most of her day sitting, she couldn't seem to gain any weight.

Well, not most of her day anymore. Eddie had had her so busy in the last few days that she didn't know which end was up. And her mother. She missed her mother so badly that she ached inside. She wanted to hear her voice and feel her hands. A sob broke the stillness of the room.

How could you do this to me, God? What did I do to deserve this? Clay always talked of serving You, of us sewing You together, but I don't think he really knows who You are. He doesn't know what You're capable of doing. I was happy. I was good. Why, God? Why me?

Jackie's tears were drying up instead of growing stronger, but her soul was drying up too. The only time she'd had a thought that wasn't for herself was when she'd asked Eddie how she looked. Her world had shrunken co the size of a robins egg, and all thoughts were for Jackie, poor Jackie.

It took some time, but she did fall back to sleep. She woke with a feeling of dread, and for a time she attributed it to her dream in the wee hours. Then she remembered the day and Roberts hand on her jaw. They were going to force her to go to church.

"Oh, Jackie,'' Eddies voice came to her ear. "Travis is here."

"Hello, Jackie." His voice, deep and kind, came from somewhere above her. She remembered him, of course, but had forgotten how tall he was—even taller than Robert.

"Hello." Jackie greeted him quietly and continued to grip Eddies arm. The older girl was certain to have a bruise.

She heard the two of them talk a moment but didn't really attend. Then Eddie was moving them forward.

"Here's our seat," Eddie was saying. Jackie put a hand out to guide herself along the pew. The wood was smooth, like the banister at Robert and Eddie's, and Jackie liked the feel of it. Someone moved beside her, and a moment later Robert spoke in a hushed tone.

"Well, people are staring, just like you thought." He watched her stiffen. "I think Carl, that's Lena's son, is never going to blink again."

Jackie moved her head as though she hadn't heard him right.

"And Tommy Walcott. He's only 16, but he looks like he won't hear a word of the sermon."

"Don't tease me, Robert," she finally managed, her voice just as low.

"Jackie." His voice was very serious. "The young men in this church are falling out of their seats looking at you.

"Then they don't know yet. They don't know I'm blind."

"On the contrary, they all know and have been praying for you for months."

"Good morning, everyone," a cheerful voice sounded from the front, and the conversation was cut off. Jackie, who was beginning to remember voices, tried to place this one and failed. Not that it would have mattered. Even after the singing was over and the sermon began, she heard very little. She was still trying to sort out Roberts words. It was inconceivable that anyone would find her even remotely attractive.

"Hello, Jackie," the familiar voice called from the edge of the huge living room. Jackie turned to face the owner.

"Hello, Carl," she spoke softly, wondering if she would ever get over the wonder of it.

Carl had been to visit her every day for the last three weeks. He would wait until his mother was ready to go home in the late afternoon and then come on the pretense of seeing her home. Lena wasted no time in telling Jackie that her son had never seen the need to escort her home before, but Jackie could tell from Lena's voice that she was not at all upset.

"How are you today?"

"I'm fine," Jackie answered automatically as she always did. "How are you?"

"Fine." He said the words, and Jackie knew he was staring at her. She knew then, as she had before, that the attraction was purely physical.

This was not hard to figure out, as she couldn't have been a worse companion. She said little and never laughed or smiled. It wasn't that she was trying not to, but she had so little interest in other people that nothing really struck her as amusing or worthy of her regard. In a way, she wanted to see Carl give up. She did not even know what he looked like because she had never asked. She had no intention of getting involved with anyone, and knowing that he was happy to just sit and stare at her did nothing for her heart.

"I am ready now, Carl." Lena called from the next room.

"All right." As usual he sounded regretful. "Have a nice evening, Jackie."

"Thank you, Carl. You do the same."

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Here again was part of the routine. She would hear him walk across the floor, but he always paused. Jackie learned that if she turned her head away when his back was to her, he would take one final look at her and leave, but if she was still facing him, he took it as an invitation to talk to her again. Tonight she had her head turned, just as she'd done for the last two weeks. It was a relief to hear him move away and leave with his mother.

"Would it hurt you to talk to him a little, Jackie?" Eddie asked as she entered the room just a few minutes later.

"It might not hurt me, but it would him. I'm not going to encourage him."

"Why not?"

''To what end, Eddie?" Jackie sounded tired. "He's content to sit and stare at me, which means there's nothing deep about his attention."

Eddie couldn't argue with her there. Carl did like pretty girls, and Jackie was not a very fascinating companion these days. However, he was a sweet boy and had a strong love for Christ. Eddie knew it would do little good to tell Jackie that he was shy around her and afraid of saying the wrong thing. Eddie was certain that if he found the courage he could bring her sister out.

"How did you do on your mending?" Eddie had come to lean over her. "I swear Jackie," she said with a laugh in her voice. "I'm just going to give you the dark colors. You must have pricked your finger. There's blood all over your white blouse and the button too."

"I knew I'd stabbed myself, but I sucked on my finger for a while and thought it had stopped." She sighed deeply. "This is the blouse that goes with the navy skirt you gave me."

"How did you know which blouse it was?" Eddie said incredulously.

"It has a different feel to it, and see," she remarked, shifting the garment around. "The lace around the collar is very soft. The other one is scratchy."

"Well, I'll take it and work on it right now. If I can't get it out, Lena can. That woman's a wonder."

"Eddie," Jackie spoke when she began to move away. "You
don't
think Lena has encouraged Carl, do you?"

"I would say not, Jackie. She must know how you feel."

Eddie didn't elaborate, but it was very clear to anyone with eyes that Jackie was not in love. If she had been, the very mention of Carl's name would have brought color to her cheeks. Eddie walked away wondering what Clayton had said about the blindness. The older woman didn't have it in her heart to ask.