Where The Sidewalk Ends (3 page)

THE
CROCODILE’S
TOOTHACHE

The Crocodile

Went to the dentist

And sat down in the chair.

And the dentist said, “Now tell me, sir.

Why does it hurt and where?”

And the Crocodile said, “I’ll tell you the truth,

I have a terrible ache in my tooth,”

And he opened his jaws so wide, so wide.

That the dentist, he climbed right inside.

And the dentist laughed, “Oh isn’t this fun?”

As he pulled the teeth out, one by one.

And the Crocodile cried, “You’re hurting me so!

Please put down your pliers and let me go.”

But the dentist just laughed with a Ho Ho Ho,

And he said, “I still have twelve to go-

Oops, that’s the wrong one, I confess.

But what’s one crocodile’s tooth, more or less?”

Then suddenly, the jaws went
SNAP
,

And the dentist was gone, right off the map.

And where he went one could only guess …

To North or South or East or West…

He left no forwarding address.

But what’s one dentist, more or less?

THUMBS

Oh the thumb-sucker’s thumb

May look wrinkled and wet

And withered, and white as the snow.

But the taste of a thumb

Is the sweetest taste yet

(As only we thumb-suckers know).

WILD
BOAR

If you tell me the wild boar

Has twenty teeth, I’ll say, “Why shore.”

Or say that he has thirty-three,

That number’s quite all right with me.

Or scream that he has ninety-nine,

I’ll never say that you are lyin’,

For the number of teeth

In a wild boar’s mouth

Is a subject I’m glad

I know nothing abouth.

LESTER

Lester was given a magic wish

By the goblin who lives in the banyan tree,

And with his wish he wished for two more wishes-

So now instead of just one wish, he cleverly had three.

And with each one of these

He simply wished for three more wishes.

Which gave him three old wishes, plus nine new.

And with each of these twelve

He slyly wished for three more wishes,

Which added up to forty-six-or is it fifty-two?

Well anyway, he used each wish

To wish for wishes ‘til he had

Five billion, seven million, eighteen thousand thirty-four.

And then he spread them on the ground

And clapped his hands and danced around

And skipped and sang, and then sat down

And wished for more.

And more… and more … they multiplied

While other people smiled and cried

And loved and reached and touched and felt.

Lester sat amid his wealth

Stacked mountain-high like stacks of gold.

Sat and counted-and grew old.

And then one Thursday night they found him

Dead-with his wishes piled around him.

And they counted the lot and found that not

A single one was missing.

All shiny and new-here, take a few

And think of Lester as you do.

In a world of apples and kisses and shoes

He wasted his wishes on wishing.

SARAH
CYNTHIA
SYLVIA
STOUT
WOULD
NOT
TAKE
THE
GARBAGE
OUT

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout

Would not take the garbage out!

She’d scour the pots and scrape the pans.

Candy the yams and spice the hams,

And though her daddy would scream and shout.

She simply would not take the garbage out.

And so it piled up to the ceilings:

Coffee grounds, potato peelings.

Brown bananas, rotten peas.

Chunks of sour cottage cheese.

It filled the can, it covered the floor.

It cracked the window and blocked the door

With bacon rinds and chicken bones.

Drippy ends of ice cream cones.

Prune pits, peach pits, orange peel,

Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal,

Pizza crusts and withered greens.

Soggy beans and tangerines.

Crusts of black burned buttered toast.

Gristly bits of beefy roasts …

The garbage rolled on down the hall.

It raised the roof, it broke the wall…

Greasy napkins, cookie crumbs.

Globs of gooey bubble gum.

Cellophane from green baloney.

Rubbery blubbery macaroni,

Peanut butter, caked and dry.

Curdled milk and crusts of pie.

Moldy melons, dried-up mustard,

Eggshells mixed with lemon custard.

Cold french fries and rancid meat.

Yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat.

At last the garbage reached so high

That finally it touched the sky.

And all the neighbors moved away.

And none of her friends would come to play.

And finally Sarah Cynthia Stout said,

“OK, I’ll take the garbage out!”

But then, of course, it was too late …

The garbage reached across the state.

From New York to the Golden Gate.

And there, in the garbage she did hate.

Poor Sarah met an awful fate.

That I cannot right now relate

Because the hour is much too late.

But children, remember Sarah Stout

And always take the garbage out!

DRATS

Can anyone lend me

Two eighty-pound rats?

I want to rid my house of cats.

HAT

Teddy said it was a hat,

So I put it on.

Now Dad is saying,

“Where the heck’s

the toilet plunger gone?”

MY
RULES

If you want to marry me, here’s what you’ll have to do:

You must learn how to make a perfect chicken-dumpling stew.

And you must sew my holey socks,

And soothe my troubled mind.

And develop the knack for scratching my back.

And keep my shoes spotlessly shined.

And while I rest you must rake up the leaves,

And when it is hailing and snowing

You must shovel the walk … and be still when I talk.

And-hey-where are you going?

OH
HAVE
YOU
HEARD

Oh have you heard it’s time for vaccinations?

I think someone put salt into your tea.

They’re giving us eleven-month vacations.

And Florida has sunk into the sea.

Oh have you heard the President has measles?

The principal has just burned down the school.

Your hair is full of ants and purple weasels-

APRIL
FOOL!

WARNING

Inside everybody’s nose

There lives a sharp-toothed snail.

So if you stick your finger in,

He may bite off your nail.

Stick it farther up inside,

And he may bite your ring off.

Stick it all the way, and he

May bite the whole darn thing off.

THE
UNICORN

A long time ago, when the earth was green

And there was more kinds of animals than you’ve ever seen,

And they run around free while the world was bein’ born,

And the loveliest of all was the Unicorn.

There was green alligators and long-neck geese.

There was humpy bumpy camels and chimpanzees.

There was catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you’re born

The loveliest of all was the Unicorn.

But the Lord seen some sinnin’, and it caused him pain.

He says, “Stand back, I’m gonna make it rain.”

He says, “Hey Brother Noah, I’ll tell ya whatcha do.

Go and build me a floatin’ zoo.

And you take two alligators, and a couple of geese,

Two humpy bumpy camels and two chimpanzees.

Take two catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you’re born

Noah, don’t you forget my Unicorn.”

Now Noah was there, and he answered the callin’,

And he finished up the ark just as the rain started fallin’.

He marched in the animals two by two.

And he called out as they went through,

“Hey Lord, I got your two alligators and your couple of geese.

Your humpy bumpy camels and your two chimpanzees.

Got your catsandratsandelephants-but Lord, I’m so forlorn

‘Cause I just don’t see no Unicorn.”

Ol’ Noah looked out through the drivin’ rain.

But the Unicorns were hidin’, playin’ silly games.

They were kickin’ and splashin’ in the misty morn,

Oh them silly Unicorn.

Then the goat started goatin’, and the snake started snakin’.

The elephant started elephantin’, and the boat started shakin’.

The mouse started squeakin’, and the lion started roarin’.

And everyone’s aboard but the Unicorn.

I mean the green alligators and the long-neck geese.

The humpy bumpy camels and the chimpanzees.

Noah cried, “Close the door ‘cause the rain is pourin’-

And we just can’t wait for them Unicorn.”

Then the ark started movin’, and it drifted with the tide.

And the Unicorns looked up from the rock and cried.

And the water come up and sort of floated them away-

That’s why you’ve never seen a Unicorn to this day.

You’ll see a lot of alligators and a whole mess of geese.

You’ll see humpy bumpy camels and lots of chimpanzees.

You’ll see catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you’re born

You’re never gonna see no Unicorn.

TREE
HOUSE

A tree house, a free house,

A secret you and me house,

A high up in the leafy branches

Cozy as can be house.

A street house, a neat house.

Be sure and wipe your feet house

Is not my kind of house at all-

Let’s go live in a tree house.

THE
FLYING
FESTOON

Oh I’m going to ride on The Flying Festoon-

I’ll jump on his back and I’ll whistle a tune.

And we’ll fly to the outermost tip of the moon.

The Flying Festoon and I.

I’m taking a sandwich, and ball and a prune,

And we’re leaving this evening precisely at noon.

For I’m going to fly with The Flying Festoon…

Just as soon as he learns how to fly.

NO
DIFFERENCE

Small as a peanut.

Big as a giant.

We’re all the same size

When we turn off the light.

Rich as a sultan,

Poor as a mite.

We’re all worth the same

When we turn off the light.

Red, black or orange,

Yellow or white.

We all look the same

When we turn off the light.

So maybe the way

To make everything right

Is for God to just reach out

And turn off the light!

INVISIBLE
BOY

And here we see the invisible boy

In his lovely invisible house.

Feeding a piece of invisible cheese

To a little invisible mouse.

Oh, what a beautiful picture to see!

Will you draw an invisible picture for me?

TIGHT
HAT

I tried to tip my hat to Miss McGaffry,

I never should have put it on so tight,

‘Cause it wouldn’t come off my head

And my neck got stretched instead.

That’s what you get for tryin’

To be polite.

PEANUT-BUTTER
SANDWICH

I’ll sing you a poem of a silly young king

Who played with the world at the end of a string.

But he only loved one single thing-

And that was just a peanut-butter sandwich.

His scepter and his royal gowns.

His regal throne and golden crowns

Were brown and sticky from the mounds

And drippings from each peanut-butter sandwich.

His subjects all were silly fools

For he had passed a royal rule

That all that they could learn in school

Was how to make a peanut-butter sandwich.

He would not eat his sovereign steak.

He scorned his soup and kingly cake,

And told his courtly cook to bake

An extra-sticky peanut-butter sandwich.

And then one day he took a bite

And started chewing with delight,

But found his mouth was stuck quite tight

From that last bite of peanut-butter sandwich.

His brother pulled, his sister pried.

The wizard pushed, his mother cried,

“My boy’s committed suicide

From eating his last peanut-butter sandwich!”

The dentist came, and the royal doc.

The royal plumber banged and knocked.

But still those jaws stayed tightly locked.

Oh darn that sticky peanut-butter sandwich!

The carpenter, he tried with pliers.

The telephone man tried with wires.

The firemen, they tried with fire,

But couldn’t melt that peanut-butter sandwich.

With ropes and pulleys, drills and coil.

With steam and lubricating oil-

For twenty years of tears and toil-

They fought that awful peanut-butter sandwich.

Then all his royal subjects came.

They hooked his jaws with grapplin’ chains

And pulled both ways with might and main

Against that stubborn peanut-butter sandwich.

Each man and woman, girl and boy

Put down their ploughs and pots and toys

And pulled until kerack! Oh, joy-

They broke right through that peanut-butter sandwich.

A puff of dust, a screech, a squeak-

The king’s jaw opened with a creak.

And then in voice so faint and weak-

The first words that they heard him speak

Were, “How about a peanut-butter sandwich?”