Where Did It All Go Right? (17 page)

I dare say I would’ve got bored with Operation a lot quicker. Once you’d made it flash and buzz a few times, and successfully removed the tap from Sam’s patella (water on the knee), it was all over bar the shouting.

My ingrown toenail was removed skilfully and without anything flashing or buzzing in about the time it would’ve taken me to tire of the board game. I was given the nail as a souvenir (more medical detritus wrapped up and taken home like cake after a party) and I kept it for a while, but I don’t think I ever showed it to anyone to impress them. I had been under the knife, albeit one morning during the school holidays, and it felt a bit like a rite of passage.

I am still a hospital virgin. I have only ever accompanied other people to casualty since my second stitch twenty-odd years ago and I have never weed in a bedpan. The longest I’ve ever been laid up was in my early thirties when my fatigued body made me have two weeks off work with a mysterious ‘flu’. I didn’t read any American and European literature but I did make an important decision: work less hard. After all, being ill is rubbish.

I spent all of my formative years running on whatever naturally occurring kiddy fuel keeps you mobile and boundless even when you eat no greens and drink only thick squash.

I admit, I wish I’d looked after me teeth, but I wasn’t ‘very, very puny’ like David Bowie, I
was
a Superman. Alright, a Superman with a chill and a devil of an ulcer.

1.
Rolling Stone
magazine, 12 February 1976. Bowie also said, ‘I took a look at my thoughts, my appearance, my expressions, my idiosyncrasies and didn’t like them. So I stripped myself down, chucked things out and replaced them with a completely new
personality
.’

2.
During my immediate post-college years I did indeed once wake up with a ‘dead arm’. It took the best part of a day to return to normal. I had slept on it funny.

3.
When the family spoke of it, this day was rather luridly described as the one when I ‘cracked my head open’. On another occasion, I was indulging in the frowned-upon habit of tipping on my chair while sat at the dining table, drawing. You, like my parents, can see this coming: I tipped too far and went crashing through the French windows. The miracle of it was, I walked away without a single cut, despite all the broken glass Mum had to pick out of my hair. Little stunt man.

4.
Actually, I stuck a dart in my finger in 1976, although it didn’t require hospital treatment. Having tired of regular games of darts out in the garage we took to pinning pictures on the dartboard – to make it more interesting. I was fixing one up with some spare darts and missed. Went straight in to my finger where nail meets flesh.

5.
My heart is warmed by the fact that Pam Ayres is still going. A complete anthology of her comic verse,
The Works
, reprinted to celebrate her 25 years in showbiz, is available from BBC Books. ‘Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’ dates back to 1974.

1976

Selected Extracts From My Diary

A BLUE DIARY
from the publisher Collins, which I’m sure gave me a huge amount of satisfaction at the time. I have customised it by simply applying a single football sticker to the cover – upside down to prove what a trainee Dadaist I am, aged eleven. The sticker bears the squinting face of
JOHN HOLLINS
of Queen’s Park Rangers. Another little joke (my dad’s name being
JOHN COLLINS
). Hey, we had to make our own entertainment in 1976
.

Very little graffiti on the inside covers, though this diary was a major shift forward, artistically. We move up to two days per page: much more space to fill – or feel guilty for not filling – and a spare half page every week called
NOTES
,
utilised variously: a plan view of Action Man’s fictional barracks (Holston Barracks); a list of my favourite Peanuts characters (from the top, Charlie Brown, Linus, Sally, Lucy, Freda, Schroeder, Snoopy, Woodstock …); a catalogue of my jokes and tricks (snappy gum, mouse matchbox, nail thru’ finger, etc.); and marginally improved little cartoons to illustrate the text, such as, 26 April: a big rock falling in the stream and soaking Simon while we were dam-building
.

And it’s back to joined-up writing with
OCCASIONAL CAPITALS
for emphasis
.

Thursday, 1 January

Dean slept last night and this morning we watched television. This afternoon me and Simon played a fab game of Action Man with four Action Men. Simon’s gripping was Captain Carson and his other one was Sergeant Scott (Scotty) and my gripping was Lieutenant Simpson and my non-gripping was Warrant Officer
Nixon
.
¹
We were in the scout car, tank and turbo copter. And we fought a load of Germans with our bare hands, then we all went down the park. Before tea me and Simon saw
Spiderman
. Tonight me and Simon watched
Carry On Again Doctor
and it was brill. And then
Love Thy Neighbour
and
Two Ronnies
.

Monday, 5 January

This morning Simon and I played a brill game of Action Man about two vandals smashing up our camp. After that I went round Wilson’s and he had got Up Periscope for Christmas and Escape From Colditz Castle (it is different to my Colditz). Roobarb was also there so all three of us played Escape From Colditz Castle. This afternoon Auntie Sue came round and Johnny, Simon and I played spies and we were after Melanie and Melissa. Tonight me and Simon started playing Colditz but we had to have a hair wash and then it was
Ask the Family
so we had to pack up. After
Ask the Family
it was
Z Cars
.

Wednesday, 7 January

This morning we had double maths and we did more fractions. This afternoon we had art. Our group was with Mrs Hooton and we did writing about milk because we didn’t have the stuff to make milk shakes. We are going to make milk shake next week, with scrambled egg on toast. Mum didn’t get me ‘King of the Cops’ record,
²
but I listened to Wilson’s when he came round and I’ve copied the words out on paper. Tonight Uncle
Brian
and Auntie Janis baby-sitted and me and Simon watched
Oh No – It’s Selwyn Froggitt!

Thursday, 8 January

I stayed for dinners and we had chicken pie and for afters sponge with chocolate custard. This afternoon we had games and our group did rugby with Mr Hanna and it was brilliant.
³
I was in the scrum and I got filthy. It’s lucky we have showers. I went round Wilson’s after school and we played Up Periscope. Tonight me and Simon had an ice cold drink of orangeade and we watched
Top of the Pops
(‘King of the Cops’ wasn’t on it) and after that we saw a new series called
Happy Ever After
starring Terry Scott.

Sunday, 11 January

This morning I started making a new comic called
Crunch
. I have done three pages already. This afternoon we went down Nanny Collins and I got my
Monster Fun
. We all looked at Nan’s old photos. We watched
The Prince and the Pauper
⁴
and
Holiday ’76
and they showed you a holiday in Scotland. After tea me and Simon played Subbuteo and the score was 0–0. Then we watched
World About Us
about insects and we went up to bed and I ordered my Scoop book (
Ice Cold in Alex
) and got my dinner money ready.

Monday, 12 January

This morning our class went swimming for the first time (I’ve never been to a swimming pool before). I can’t swim so I started at the shallow end (3ft). I used arm bands to start with and then
I
used just one and I can nearly do the breast stroke. After school Wilson came round and we did our RE and history homework. After my tea (lovely toast) I remembered about my Identi-Kit
⁵
so Dad got it out of the cupboard and I’ve made loads of faces up. Tonight I watched
Ask the Family
and
Z Cars
, then while Simon read to Dad downstairs I read my comics.

Wednesday, 21 January

This morning Simon got his Action Man book delivered. This afternoon we did cookery and we made lovely cheese and potato pie. Wilson didn’t come to school but I went round his and I let him borrow my
Dr No
book to read and he let me borrow his
Live and Let Die
and
Man with the Golden Gun
. I ate some of my cheese and potato pie for tea. Tonight we saw
This Is Your Life
(Patrick Mower),
Mother Makes Five
and brilliant
Morecambe & Wise
.

Saturday, 31 January

This morning when Mum and Dad went shopping Kim came round and we played chess (I lost). Dad got me some library books:
Whales, Dolphins and Man
, a book about Britain and meat-eaters.
⁶
This afternoon we played a load of records like ‘Make A Daft Noise For Christmas’, ‘In Dulce Jubilo’ and ‘El Bimbo’.
⁷
We watched
Play Away
and
The Mouse Factory, Tom & Jerry, Dr Who
and
New Faces
. Nanny came to baby-sit and we watched the big film.

Tuesday, 10 February

Me and Milner let Kim join O.O.A.M.
⁸
and Daniel Harrison (‘DD’) is our ally undercover third year agent. Kim’s code name is ‘Y’. After school I had my hair cut over the road. After tea I played chess with Simon twice then we had a hair wash and came down. I put some Bonjela on my horrible ulcer. We watched Winter Olympics,
Ellery Queen
and
Pro–Celebrity Golf
.

Thursday, 12 February

I stayed for dinners and I got belly ache. It was very wet so we couldn’t have games so we had brilliant
⁹
cross-country running. We had two laps of the park, one warm-up and another race (I didn’t get puffed out or get stitch). Then we had science and we tested our home-made bricks. Tonight Mum sewed some of my squares for my patchwork draught excluder. Melissa came down so she could watch
Top of the Pops
. Then we watched
Happy Ever After
.

Monday, 1 March

We had swimming this morning and I stayed for dinners. Ulp! Mr Walman discovered O.O.A.M. He thought it was funny (sweat). Tonight we and Milner made up the Teachers Anti-Mob Association (T.A.M.A.) – Mr Walman, Mr Hanna, Mrs Bream and Mrs Hulland. We’ve done loads to it and Milner says that when he moves
¹⁰
he will let me have the O.O.A.M. file.

Tuesday, 2 March

Wilson and I showed Mr Walman
FAB!
¹¹
and he showed it to Miss Malins who thought it was very good. I got my Scoop book,
Whizz for Atomms
(it is great). Milner came round after school. The telly went wrong and all smoke came out of it and tonight when Uncle Brian and Auntie Janis baby-sitted we had to watch the golf on my little portable telly.
¹²

Thursday, 4 March
MY BIRTHDAY

From Nanny Mabel and Pap Reg two drawing books, a box of paper (memo tank)
¹³
and a brill pack of felt tips. From Dad and Mum I got some drawing inks, a pen and different nibs, a drawing book and
The Goodies File
book. From Nan and Pap Collins I got £2.00 and £1.50 from Auntie Margaret. From Auntie Janice’s money Dad bought me another new Liverpool mug and two Subbuteo goals. And I’ve still got five presents from my party to come. I got Wilson’s present, some paints.
¹⁴

Thursday, 1 April

I got a letter from Milner (it’s funny! and it’s five pages). This morning I went to Mr Eagland the orthondontic (got it right)
¹⁵
surgeon. This afternoon we had a four-lap cross-country round the school. When we went down the field tonight Angus said he was coming but he didn’t. AHA! I’ve just remembered I must
cover
my hymn book, must rush … BYEEE! Oops! Forgot to tell you! Got a new car (yellow Cavalier).

Tuesday, 6 April

Usual lessons. Only we missed ALL of French because after assembly Mr Jones had a talk with the boys about someone who went to the loo
on the loo floor
! After tea Simon went to Cubs
¹⁶
and I went down the field with Lewis, played boats, on the see-saw etc. Then came back and played darts (Lewis won both games). With 60p of the £1 Dad owed me he bought me
The Making of the Movie Jaws
.
¹⁷
I’m going to read it.

Wednesday, 7 April

Usual lessons at school. As there is a water shortage Mrs Pearson put out a box for ‘water saving suggestions’.
¹⁸
Now she is giving out a sheet to everyone. She asked me to draw two illustrations for it. Now all the school will see my drawings. (FANS … AUTOGRAPHS LATER!)

Tuesday, 13 April
EASTER HOLS

This morning I got a dart in my finger. It hurts a bit. And I painted Salem Witch and I’ve put little strands of glue all around it and it looks like spider webs. WHAT A GENIUS I AM!!

Friday, 16 April

This morning Simon and I cleared the cupboard out. Then we went shopping (Simon bought a
Look-In
and there is a competition
in
it – you can win a Six Million Dollar Man). This afternoon I painted Godzilla (it looks great!!) and I went down the field and I played with Lewis and Kim (they got soaked). They showed me a brill place for jumping but the bank is giving way. Dad has started putting the paving slabs down for our patio. I’ve just had a drink of cold fizzy pop. I’m just about to start reading
Kizzy
to Simon.