When You Least Expect It (60 page)

He missed Amanda.  He missed sharing his life with her.  From discussing the big things in their lives to just joking around with each other.  He missed her teasing him, and making him look at himself in a positive way. He missed her laugh.  He missed making plans with her, he missed the hope that someday they might be together.  He’d ruined that. 

He dialed her number. He hadn’t tried in a few days, so she picked up. “It’s me, Amanda.  Please don’t hang up.”

“What do you need, Ray.” She fought the urge to hang up.

“I need
you.
  Please, just hear me out.  I know you hate me, but I just need to explain myself.  Just give me this one chance, Amanda, and if then you never want to hear from me again, I’ll let you be.”

Amanda fought the urge to cry.  “I think you’ve said it all, Ray.  You’re the one who wanted to break up, why do you insist on continuing to bring it up?  You hurt me, and for no reason.”

“I know, I did and I’m sorry.  I hurt myself too, more than you know.  I was wrong, Amanda.  I panicked.  I want to be with you so much, and I just don’t know how it’s going to happen.  On the way home from your place, I’d decided that I was going to move to Texas.  I wanted it more than anything.  I could
see
myself living there, sharing your life with you, and being a part of it.  I could taste it, I wanted it so much.”

Amanda’s anger was flaring.  “So, you wanted it so much, you then called me to break if off?  That makes a lot of sense.”

“No, when I got home, there was at least a dozen messages from Nikki.  She went on about how hard it was when I was gone, and how much she missed me.  I realized then that even though I’m not living with her, she still needs me.  I’ve left the house Mandy, but I can’t leave her; at least not now.  She’d never forgive me.”

Amanda, touched by how much he loved his daughter, did understand; after all, she wouldn’t leave her kids.  “I understand that Ray, but why break it off with me?  I mean, here I was thinking we’d had such a great time while you were here, the minute you get home, you call me and dump me.  Obviously, I felt I’d been wrong about our weekend; about us.”

Ray flinched.  How was he going to get her to understand he did it out of his love for her?  “No, you weren’t wrong, that’s just it.  It was perfect.  As I said, I wanted it to be my life too.  If it were just me Mandy, I would have packed up and turned right back around.  But that’s just it, it’s not just me, and Nikki is only fourteen.  I know you don’t want to leave your kids, and I see how hard it is for you every time we leave each other.  I felt at the time that I couldn’t ask you to continue doing that time after time, year after year.  It’s too painful.  You deserve better than that, you deserve the best of everything.  I didn’t feel I could give you that, because I couldn’t give you all of me.  I wanted to spare you, I guess.”

Amanda was speechless.  She wanted to forgive him, but maybe he was right, maybe the long distance relationship was too hard, especially when there was no end in sight.  She needed time to think.

  “I love you, Amanda.  You are in my every thought.  I’ve missed you and haven’t been able to concentrate on anything else.  I want to fix things even though I don’t know how.  I want us to figure out a way to continue this relationship without us resenting each other.  I don’t want to lose you, Mandy.  You’re everything to me.”

This time she gave in to the tears.  “I’ve missed you too, Ray; for all the same reasons.  I need time to think.  Maybe you’re right about the long distance relationship, I don’t know.  Can we talk later?”

Ray whooped silently, he was getting to her.  He was going to figure out how to turn this around.  “Yes, call me when you are ready to talk. I’ll be waiting.”

              Amanda lay in her bed trying to figure out her new dilemma.  She decided to call Blossom; she needed some unbiased help.  Hilary wouldn’t want her to move away, Blossom wouldn’t either, but she’d be more rational about it.  She dialed her number.

             
“Hey girl!  What’s up?”

             
“Oh, nothing.”  She hesitated bringing up Ray, wondering if she knew he’d dumped her.

             
“So have you found a new boyfriend yet?  I heard Ray got cold feet.  I liked him too, you guys seemed good together.”

             
“I finally spoke with him today.  He did explain to me what he was thinking.  You’re exactly right; it was cold feet.  He sees no end to the long distance thing, and he wanted to give me a way out.”  She went on to explain to her exactly what Ray had said. 

             
Blossom listened intently.  She had no answers for Amanda.  Either way you looked at it, she was going to be hurt.  “What do you think, Mandy?  Can you go on this way?” 

             
“I don’t know, Blossom.  It seems so hard some days, and I miss having someone to spend time with.  But this time without Ray has also been so lonely.  I miss him.  Even when I’m with other people, I miss him.  I don’t know what’s best.”

             
“All you can do is follow your heart.  If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, Mandy.  You have to trust and have faith in your love.”

             
“What if my heart tells me to move to Maine?”

             
Blossom slowly inhaled.  “If that’s what your heart tells you to do honey, then that’s what you should do.  You’ve raised your children, you’ve struggled with life in El Paso, maybe it’s time to sit down and think about what you want; just you, not the kids, not Hilary, just you.”

   
              “That’s a lot easier said than done.  I haven’t thought about just me in so many years, I don’t think I know how.  Every decision I make is with other people in mind, mainly my kids.  Even the worst decision of my life, marrying Peter, was mostly about other people.  He kept asking me to help him be a better person, which he claimed he couldn’t do without me, and I guess I fed off that.  That and I could use the financial help.   When it was apparent that we weren’t going to make it, I was embarrassed to admit to another failed marriage, so I kept trying.  I was an idiot.  If it had been up to what I’d wanted, me alone, I would have never married him in the first place.”

             
“What about now?”

             
Amanda was silent, lost in thought.  “Now, the decision is based on my children, just as Ray’s is.  Of course, moving across the country would be outrageous.  I’ve always lived here, I don’t know anything else.”

She sighed.  “I would be away from everything and everybody I know and love.  It’s unimaginable.”

              “Can you imagine a life with Ray?’  The last thing Blossom wanted was for her favorite cousin to move away, but she felt she had to play devils advocate. Amanda had called her for help, it was only right she help her weigh it out.

             
Amanda smiled.  “That, I can imagine.  Ray’s the closest thing to perfect I will ever find.  We’re a lot alike.  We have the same values, we like the same things.  He cares about me, totally, not like the other two.  He wants to share a life, not just have me in his.  He makes a good living, so for once; I wouldn’t have to worry about that.  Finally, I could have a man who took care of
me
, and not vice versa.  I think my life would be so different, I can’t even imagine it.”

             
Blossom hesitated, but only for a moment.  “Then, what’s stopping you, Mandy?”  She fought the urge to cry.  More than she wanted Amanda to be close by, she wanted her to be happy.  She deserved it.

             
“Alex.  Elisa.  You.  Hilary.  My niece.  Need I go on?”

             
“Yes.”

             
“I own my house.  I struggled to buy this house, all on my own.  I’m proud of that.”

             
“And?”

             
“I love my job.”

             
Blossom grunted.  “No you don’t.  You complain about it incessantly.”

             
She laughed.  “So, I still love it.  I love Mariah, and my friends there.  They’re my inner circle.”

             
“Well, then I think the question you have to ask yourself is what’s more important to you, all that, or a life with Ray?”

             
“My kids are always going to be more important than anything, Blossom.”

             
“Yes, I know that.  What about when they branch out on their own?  That’s what they do.  Do you think they’re going to give a second thought about you, living alone in that house you claim to love so much?  No, they want to leave.  You’ve raised them to do that.  It’s not that far off, Mandy.”

             
She thought about Elisa getting married and moving to Boston.  Blossom was right, she’d not given her a second thought; she just had wanted her support.  She had no idea what Alex planned to do, but she was sure leaving was in the plan somewhere.   “I don’t know, Blossom, you’re probably right.  I have to think this out some more, but you’ve really helped.  Thanks, hon, I knew I could count on you.”

             
“You can always count on me, Mandy.  Whatever you decide, I’ll support you ninety-nine percent.”

             
“Why only ninety-nine?”

             
“One percent will be the part of me that is sad because you’re moving.  I reserve the right to have at least that!” 

             
The girls both laughed as they signed off.  Amanda was glad she’d called Blossom.  She’d given her a lot to think about before Ray called her later.  She had made some good points.  Maybe their relationship wasn’t as hopeless as they thought.  Although she didn’t want to admit it to anyone, not even herself, she hoped they’d find a way. 

~~~

              Ray had made out his own pro and con list, only he titled his
move
and
no move
.  Under
move
, he had several entries in the column while under
no move
he had
girls.

 
              He concentrated on the pros for a minute.  His first entry was in large letters;
Mandy. 
That was a given.  He loved her.  He wanted to be with her, he wanted to make it work.  He knew he could be happy with her, and he wanted them to have a life together.  They both wanted it.  His second entry was
fresh start
.  Getting away from all that was evil in Maine seemed like the right thing to do.  That would primarily include his ex-wife, his ex-in-laws, and all the bad memories that Maine held for him from the past twenty years.  His job was no big deal, so number three was
new job
.  A fresh start would include that, and he’d probably find something he liked better. 

             
The fourth entry was
happiness
.  He considered this word for a while.  This was not something that came easily to him, except when it came to his daughters.  He circled his only entry under
no move
.  He kept circling it repeatedly while he contemplated how he could justify it to them.  His circling became faster and harder as he became frustrated with the fact that he couldn’t.  He knew that they wanted him to be happy, but he didn’t think they’d be alright with him moving so far.  He got up and crumpled the list, throwing it in the trash.  He had to figure out a way to make everyone happy.  He went to the fridge and grabbed a beer.  He knew it wouldn’t happen because no matter what he decided, someone was going to get hurt.

             
              ~~~

             
Amanda was devastated.  The conversation with Ray had not gone exactly as planned.  There was no compromises, no rationalizations.  Ray still was sticking to the fact that he couldn’t leave his daughters for now.  He said maybe in four years when Nikki graduated from high school.  Four years!  It seemed inconceivable.

             
They talked about her leaving El Paso.  She’d told him she was going to try to think about it with an open mind and heart.  It seemed fairer; her children were, well, no longer children.  She didn’t concede to the fact that they didn’t need her, but they were about to embark on their own adult life where her role would be different.  She wished she knew what that meant, but since her own mother had died when she was twenty, she really wasn’t sure.

             
Amanda poured herself a glass of wine and considered the possibility.  She’d lived in El Paso all her life.  Her life of late had been so dramatic; it played like a Lifetime movie.  Maybe a change was exactly what she needed.  Her house that she claimed she loved so much was becoming a ball and chain.  Without anyone there to help her fix it and take care of it, it was becoming too much of a burden, not to mention that financially, she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep her head above water.  She had already missed mortgage payments, and then trying to catch up was almost impossible.