When Smiles Fade (31 page)

While Emma was on stage again, doing another set, Salvatore made his way to the bar, his mind on the kind of things he could do to make her life easier. As a member of the Mafia, his own life was extremely complicated. Being a part of the underworld had its ups and downs. There was always plenty of money at his disposal, but it came at the cost of his freedom. There were so many people who wanted him dead that he had to be careful about the places he visited and the company he kept. He had to watch his every move. The smallest error of judgment on his part could prove fatal, both for him and for those close to him.

Salvatore decided he would wait and observe Emma’s progress. If she needed him, he would instinctively know it and would be there to help her. He watched adoringly as she did her last dance of the evening. Emma still had no clue that Salvatore had fallen in love with her. She didn’t know that while she was away, he had missed her so much. But now that she was back, he wasn’t willing to let her go again so easily.

Isabella became the guiding star of Emma’s life and she found new energy in providing her with a good life. She vowed to stop living in the past and focus on the present. The first step in that direction involved going through Gracie’s room, getting rid of her sister’s belongings and making it a special place just for Izzy. Brianna and Katie immediately agreed to help. Partly because they figured there would be a lot of things to sort through, a formidable task for one person to accomplish, but mainly because they anticipated how stressful it would be for Emma to go through and dispose of her sister’s possessions.

The three girls began working early in the morning, and by dinnertime, they had removed all of Gracie’s belongings, except for a few things that Emma either kept for herself or left in the room as a loving reminder to Izzy of the young girl who had given birth to her and whose last thought had been for her baby. They decided to move the bed against the far wall so that Emma could get a bedrail and Izzy could sleep there on her own.

It was while lifting the mattress that Brianna found Gracie’s journal. She and Katie exchanged a startled look and set out to talk to Emma in the kitchen.

“Em,” Brianna said, trying to sound casual, “we found this under Gracie’s mattress.”

At the very sight of the journal, tears sprang to Emma’s eyes. “Thanks,” she said in a broken voice, reaching for it.

This time Katie spoke. “Emma, I think it might be a little too much for you to read right now. Do you want me to hang onto it until you’re ready?”

“You’re right,” Emma said gratefully, “I won’t read it just yet.” With those words, she tossed the journal into the bottom of the duffle bag in which she carried her dance costumes.

The moment her friends had left, Emma went right back to her bedroom holding the journal. L
lLL
eafing through its pages, she discovered that Gracie had written a lot about her. It was mostly about how much she loved her older sister and how she’d felt responsible for ruining Emma’s life when they had to flee their home years ago. Emma smiled as she read through the private reflections of a very typical young teenager. Several of Gracie’s entries indicated that she wasn’t very fond of Ethan, but this came as no surprise to Emma. They had discussed Gracie’s aversion to him.

Emma found herself engrossed in the concerns that had plagued Gracie during the span of her short life. The guilt and anxiety caused by their troubled childhood had weighed heavily on her. It was shocking for Emma to discover how often Gracie had relived the nightmarish experience of being buried in the basement by Jake. She felt guilty for not having coaxed her sister into sharing her trauma with her. The burden of failing to perceive how much Gracie had actually suffered and her inability to ease her pain would always remain with Emma. She’d imagined that Gracie had put her past behind her and moved on, but as she read on, Emma realized how seriously she had been mistaken in her assumption and how much lingering anguish her sister had lived with over the years. Crushed as she was by Gracie’s revelations, it was more heartening for Emma to read of her sister’s many fond remembrances. She was especially touched by the number of times Gracie repeated her faith in the depth of Emma’s love for her. Emma found herself smiling, laughing out loud, and weeping in turn. Then she came upon an entry made by Gracie just a couple of months after her fifteenth birthday:

Tonight, the worst thing happened to me. Ethan came home shit-faced drunk, while Emma was at work. He tried to kiss me and when I ran into my room, he followed. He hit me and forced me to have sex with him. It hurt so much when he put his dick in me. I hate myself for what happened! If Emma ever found out, she’d hate me too. What kind of person am I to have sex with my sister’s boyfriend?

Emma’s blood ran cold. She read the entry again and again, desperately hoping she had misread or misinterpreted the words. She flipped forward to the next entry:

Ethan came into my room again tonight, after Emma left for work. He threatened to tell Emma I had come onto him if I didn’t give him a blow job. She wouldn’t believe him over me, right? I hate Ethan! I hope he dies.

Just then, Emma heard the apartment door open and close. Ethan was home. She put the journal into the bottom of the duffle bag and went out to the living room. She would get justice for Gracie. Ethan was now no different from Pepper and Jake in Emma’s eyes and she felt as much hatred and contempt for him as she had for the other two men.

“Hey, babe!” he called out when he saw her approach. “What’s for dinner?”

Emma shot him a loving glance while an inferno burned inside her. “I made meatloaf and mashed potatoes,” she told him. “It’ll be ready in about half an hour.”

He moved up close and rubbed up against her, sliding his arm over her shoulders. Then he turned her to face him and pulled her in to make her feel his erection. She battled the urge to run into the kitchen and grab the butcher knife so she could cut his dick off. He had committed the ultimate crime, for which there could be no pardon. He’d raped her sister.
A
huge mistake
, she thought to herself.

That night at work, Emma used every free minute to read the remaining segments of Gracie’s journal. She turned down requests for lap dances on the pretext that she suspected she was coming down with something and didn’t want to risk passing on the bug. She even refused Salvatore’s request that night, leaving him deeply disappointed.

As Emma went back to reading her sister’s journal, it became increasingly clear to her that Ethan had been forcing himself on Gracie almost daily. Then two months after it had started, it seemed to stop suddenly. Emma was barely able to get through the next, devastating entry:

Oh God, no! I’m pregnant! Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? I just know that this is Ethan’s baby. I told him I had taken a pregnancy test and it was positive and that he was the father. He called me a liar and then kicked the shit out of me—literally. He kicked me so hard in the gut that I shit my pants. He said I was just saying that to avoid giving him sex again. He threatened that if I told Emma, he would kill me—and the baby. What am I gonna do? Emma is going to hate me for doing this to her. I hate myself! I wish I were dead.

Emma had barely finished reading the words when she stumbled to her feet, ran to the bathroom, and threw up.

One of the strippers passing by said, “Yeah, you probably do have that fucking flu. Don’t get near me.”

Emma needed time to think. She needed a plan of action. Much as she wanted to, she couldn’t give in to her rage and rush impulsively into just anything. She had Isabella to think of. She would be of no use to her niece if she ended up in prison. When her desperation got the better of her, she considered confiding in Salvatore, but then decided to keep him out of it. She didn’t want to owe anybody anything.

Shiver came in to tell Emma that she was up for her next set, but when she saw her hugging the toilet bowl, she said sympathetically, “Never mind. I’ll get someone to fill in for you, sweetie.”

“Thanks, Shiver,” Emma replied weakly.

“No problem. Do you want me to call your boyfriend to come and pick you up early?” she offered.

“NO!” The word burst from Emma. “I’m still feeling really nauseous. I’ll stay in the bathroom until I think I can make the trip home.”

“Okay, sugar. I’ll check in on you later.”

After Shiver left, Emma went into the dressing room and picked up Gracie’s journal from where she had dropped it. She locked herself in one of the bathroom stalls, sat on the toilet, and continued to read.

I told Emma about being pregnant and they took me to a clinic to make sure. It’s definite now. Ethan’s mad that I told Emma about the baby. He said I could only live here until the bastard was born. Then I would have to get out. He forced me to give him another blow job tonight. I tried to refuse him, but he flung me down on the ground and started kicking me all over my body. He even kicked me on the head. I was afraid that if I didn’t suck him off, he would kick me in the stomach and kill the baby. After I had done it, he left. Then a couple of hours later, he came back into my room. He was reeking of alcohol and he told me to whack him off. He made me get naked and stood over me while I pulled it. He came in my face and said that’s what happens to filthy whores like Emma and me. I’ve never kept a secret from Emma before. I feel really bad about lying to her and not telling her that Ethan is the father. But I feel worse to tell her that I had sex with her boyfriend, not that I wanted to, but what if Ethan is right and I did something to make him have sex with me? I hate Ethan! Please, God, make this stop happening to me!

Emma read up to the point where she had thrown Ethan out of their apartment. A profound sadness for Gracie washed over her. She had left her in the care of a man who had sexually tortured her. Throughout it all, Gracie had been consumed with guilt for something she wasn’t responsible for.

The entries after Ethan’s exit expressed relief that he was finally gone from their lives. This time Emma broke down in tears not because Gracie was dead, but because she had failed her sister so abysmally. She hadn’t been able to protect her from Ethan and was devastated by the knowledge that Gracie had lived and died with the misconception that
she
had betrayed Emma. So much made sense to Emma now, little things that she had shrugged off as normal teenage behavior. And Ethan? He was still there, she thought, nonchalant and guilt-free. Emma’s mind was filled with sinful ideas about how she would make him pay for what he had done to her sister. But first she had to put enough distance between the two of them so that no one would ever suspect her of any wrongdoing.

Emma’s whole persona changed after reading her sister’s journal. She found the energy to go on with her life and to get rid of Ethan once and for all. He was a pedophile and a bully, just like Pepper had been; the only difference was Ethan was sneaky about his abuse of Gracie.

A few days later, Ethan confronted her without warning. “You’ve been acting fucking weird lately,” he accused belligerently. “You got something to say to me?”

“No. I’ve been working hard and I’m tired. Just leave me alone!” Emma couldn’t help the hatred she had stored within blazing forth in her tone and attitude.

Ethan seized her by the shoulders and flung her against the refrigerator. “Who the
fuck
do you think you’re talking to like that, you piece of trash? I will fuckin’ destroy you! Do you understand me?”

Emma had become immune to his vicious threats. She despised him and the very air he breathed. She was revolted by the smell of his breath and the touch of his fingers gripping her shoulders. Ethan was nose to nose with her, screaming at the top of his lungs. But Emma was now deaf and blind to his abuse.

Seeing that he wasn’t getting through to her, he unzipped his pants, pushed her to the kitchen floor, and held out his penis for her. Her instinct was to bite it off and she had to tell herself:
Hold on! All in good time
. But she did refuse to give him oral sex. Beginning to feel the loss of his power over her, Ethan seized her by the hair, dragged her to the bed, flung her down on it, and forced himself on her. After it was over, she lay there, motionless. She hadn’t shed a single tear, emitted a single cry of protest, or blinked the entire time he was on top of her. She just stared at the ceiling, thinking that this was exactly what he had done to Gracie. He was a vile, corrupt pervert—nothing more and nothing less—and she wanted to get away from him as quickly as possible.

Ethan lay next to her, catching his breath after his attack on her.

Still staring at the ceiling, Emma said in a voice devoid of feeling, “Ethan, I’m leaving. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Ethan silently got out of bed and went into the living room. When he came back, he had a gun in his hand pointed at her head. Emma’s pulse raced as he approached her, spewing aggression.

“You’re leaving, are you?” he snarled. “No, you’re not. You’re staying right here with me, so I can teach you how to be a good girl!” He pressed the barrel of the gun into her cheek. “Are we crystal?” he asked.

Emma hadn’t known he owned a gun. She struggled for the right words, and when none came, she said in a shaky voice, trying to call his bluff, “I know what you did to Gracie, Ethan. I know that you raped her and I swear I’ll tell the police about it.”

Ethan was livid. How had she found out? Had Gracie told her? He hadn’t thought she’d dare. He was sure he had convinced the little bitch that whatever they had done together was entirely her fault and Emma would hate her if she found out.