When Love Hurts and Ghosts Linger (2 page)

Our parents honestly thought that we were going to grow up and be together forever and at one point so did I, maybe I had read too many fairy tales? Who knows? But obviously that’s not what was meant to be, he started to bore me and I wanted more excitement from a boyfriend, so I left him and started hanging around with the bad-boy of the street.

I lived in one of those streets where the houses surrounded a large green bank in the middle and all the houses formed a circle to face each-other. Sitting on the green we were always safe where our parents could see us from the windows and no traffic could enter to run us over, it was nicely closed off. Nice tight nit neighbours but as with all residential areas, there’s always that one family no-one really wanted there and I so happened to hang round with them, you could see all the parents checking on their kids and mine looking at me but I refused to stop hanging round with him, I thought 
‘so what’
 ok yes his family had a bad reputation but he was a kid, like me, bit of a bad boy yes but that doesn’t mean he was going to be like his brothers or his family does it. People can be so judgmental can’t they, even if they don’t know you!

It was a nice sunny day so we were all playing outside, sat in a circle playing a silly child’s game of Chinese whispers. Now I know this was a little kids game but we used to have so much fun playing this that even now me and my friends, the ones I have left anyway, will have a couple of glasses of wine and play it, why the hell not? It’s always a good laugh, especially after a few drinks.

There was about ten of us playing, I was last to be whispered to and was the one who had to reveal the whisper at the end and see if it was correct, so you could imagine how screwed up it would be by the time they had to whisper in my ear.

Everyone leaned to the person next to them and whispered something in their ear and then that person passed it on and so on, but when it came to me, the girl next to me leaned to whisper in my ear but she felt cold and it suddenly seemed to go dull outside, like rain clouds covering the sun. I looked around and everyone was giggling and smiling so clearly it was just me again who could see this and I knew one of them stupid ghosts was about to appear but I couldn’t see where it or they were, I was too focused on the people in the circle.

As the girl next to me leaned in to speak she whispered in my ear I heard her say “we need you, help us.”

I looked at the girl next to me and she just giggled, I didn’t know why she thought that was so funny, I thought it was more creepy than funny, anyway I looked up and noticed that it was sunny and warmish again, I took another look around and thought that whatever ghostly person was around just then had simply disappeared without seeking me out. Thank god for that!

“Well say it then” they all shouted as they laughed.

“We need you, help us” I repeated looking a bit uncertain.

“Haha what? No that’s not what we said, the words were I’m a fraggle and we live in fraggle rock with our fraggle dog…” one of the boys stated laughing holding his belly.

Everyone laughed because they had passed that round and obviously made some errors on the way so god knows what they heard but that was not what I heard. I knew then that some ghostly person or thing had whispered in my ear without showing themselves to me so they could tell me just that and their voice had drowned out the voice of the girl next to me. I did feel a little scared, why would they need me to help them? And what were they going to do? I couldn’t help them I was just a kid, I could see them but I didn’t know who they were or what to do to help them, why couldn’t they just leave me the fuck alone?

I went home and went straight to my bedroom, I was lying on my bed which faced straight out onto the landing and I could see my bathroom directly opposite my bedroom door which in my line of view was the bathroom sink and the cupboard underneath. I must have stared at that for ages as my eleven year old mind raced around trying to figure out what this was all about and why it was happening to me.

I must have drifted off to sleep because I had a dream that to this day I can still remember, it really scared me and even now I shudder at the thought.

The under sink cupboard door opened slowly, I couldn’t see anything because it was dark inside but as I stared at the cupboard, a black hooded figure came out, I couldn't see its face, just bone fingers, it charged at me with force and tried to pull me into the cupboard, he had an evil voice which when I think about it makes me never want to sleep again, he told me he was coming for something special and I was being taken with him. I tried to fight him but he had to tight a hold on me.

I started screaming and I remember being woken up by my mother shaking me to bring me out of the nightmare I was having.

“Robyn, Robyn wake up mummy’s here, wake up!” she said raising her voice a little over my screaming.

When I awoke I looked straight at the bathroom and looked directly at that cupboard, why out of all the places in the world did a ghost have to try and grab me in my dreams by coming out of there. It made me terrified of ever going near the bathroom or that bloody cupboard.

As time went on I had the same dream of him or a man standing in my doorway, I would get up and tell him to go away and he wouldn’t leave, when I asked what he wanted he would point to the room next to me. As a kid this was too much for me and after a while it did affect my sleep and I tended to want to sleep downstairs until my parents went to bed, I never wanted to be alone when I slept.

One day I was sat in our living room and from there you could see the staircase leading to the top of the landing, I was in there on my own, I think I had been told off or something and I was having a bit of a strop, kids aye!

I felt the room go chilly and I knew one of them was in the house, I stared out of the doorway and for some reason was focused on the staircase, I don’t know why but something in my gut told me to look there and then I saw him. The man. 

A man in a smart dress, you know, shirt, tie and trousers, walking up the bloody stairs. He had a knife in one hand and a huge cut on the side of his neck which appeared to be so deep his head looked like it was hanging off to the side. He too was a colour of grey/blue and see through; there he was casually walking up my stairs.

Terrified I screamed running out of the room and I explained to my mother what I saw shaking and pointing at the stairs. She honestly thought I was insane. I mean I had basically told her I saw a man walking up the stairs with his head hanging off and a knife in his hand, of course saying that out loud would make you sound insane, no matter hold old you were. 

My mother had, had enough of this by this point, the constant nightmares which not only affected my sleep but affected hers and my fathers too, me constantly saying I could see something or someone that no-one else could see and it had started to take its toll on everyone.

They decided to research this and try and see if they could find me some help to get rid of these, well, delusions as they called them. The only thing they could find was either hypnosis or a religious thing which was kind of like an exorcism. 

Now, I’m not being funny but at eleven, not just me but any kid, you know what an exorcism is if you read enough books and to hear that your parents were considering this definitely put fear through your body. I wasn’t possessed, I just seemed to be able to see things that they couldn’t, I wanted it to go away as much as they did but my god I didn’t want some priest performing a scary ritual on me. 

I remember begging them for the hypnosis, at least someone could make me forget this rather than try and terrify the shit out of me and seeing the fear in my face at the thought of that my parents agreed. They didn’t want to hurt me in any way, they just wanted to help.

We had to travel to London and see a woman who claimed her speciality was dealing with issues of the brain and the hypnosis she would provide would get rid of my so called delusions. My mum and dad, bless them, didn’t want to take me to a normal doctor in-case they sectioned me and like I said, they only wanted to help.

When we arrived at this office for the hypnosis it felt like everyone around me was staring and judging me, the receptionist looked at me as if to say 
‘what a strange child’
 as if the reason for my being there was written down in-front of her, charming!

I went into the room alone and the woman was very calming and friendly. You could see by looking around that she dealt with children a lot as there were children’s drawings and toys everywhere. What did she think was wrong with me? I could only guess what was going around in her mind. I was extremely paranoid back then thinking everyone was talking about me or calling me weird. 

I don’t remember much about that appointment when I was in there with her except when we left I felt better and my mum and dad seemed very pleased. 

As time went on I really did forget about this gift and I was not able to see the ghosts, I didn’t even remember back then I ever had a gift, that I was ever able to see or talk to ghosts, I don’t know what she done but it worked and I started to do better at school, I was more confident, I had friends and I wasn’t weird around them and I didn’t have any more nightmares, sounds perfect right? From eleven all the way up until I was sixteen I was living an amazing life, the life my parent's wanted me to have, with no stupid ghosts ruining it for me.

Even though back then I forgot about all the ghosts and when I look back I remember carrying on with life as normal like nothing ever happened, like my memories had disappeared and been replaced with happy ones but something inside me always felt like I was being watched, I couldn’t see them but I never felt alone, I didn’t understand back than what that was until I was older.

If only the hypnotherapist told my mother that there was always a chance all these bloody memories and my ability to see and speak to them would possibly come flooding back. But of course, she didn’t and later on I would discover that I may have been able to block them once, but I would never be able to permanently get rid of them.

At sixteen and in my last year of school I hadn’t at that point seen a ghost or spoken to one in four years, but of course I couldn’t remember back then that I actually could, I had a proper boyfriend at that time in my life too, my first proper non-childish relationship. 

He was eighteen however and had a full time job but my parents didn’t seem to mind him, he was polite and sweet and I was very mature for my age. I did like to act like a grown up but hey, I guess we all do when we’re young until we’re actually grown-ups and then we wish we could be younger, it sucks.

However, at sixteen when I believed I knew most things, like most teenagers do I guess, I was still a little naïve. His name was Alec and he seemed like the perfect man, well, what I considered at that time to be the perfect man. He had blonde hair and blue eyes, his body wasn’t athletic, in-fact he was a little chubby but he seemed to treat me well. I only saw him at weekends and never during the week as I was still at school.

I was still a virgin when I met him and I hadn’t even thought about having sex, I always thought that sex should be with the one you love, however, he was eighteen and clearly he wasn’t about waiting as he always went on and on about it. I wish I knew then what I know now because I would have said no. 

So one night we were out with his friends, all of them older than me and all old enough to drink but back then, sneaking into bars under age was a lot easier than it is in nowadays. Of course I had been drinking and being young I hadn’t learnt when enough was enough, so I was pretty bolloxed if I do say so myself. 

On our way home he was kissing me, but his kisses seemed different, they seemed, not forceful but more intense. I knew where it was heading but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go down that route. Of course, when we got back to his place he spun me the 
‘I love you’
 line and I believed him, I actually thought I loved him too. How stupid was I?

Lying there on the sofa he started kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt, he asked me if I was on the pill but of course I wasn’t, I wasn’t sexually active so why would I need to be?

So he pulled out condom and seemed to take control. I didn’t remember how it felt, whether it was painful or nice and most girls I expect would like to remember their first time but nope, not me, I was too drunk to remember the feeling, sounds lovely aye!

When I woke up the next morning he was lying beside me all cuddled in, I honestly thought 
‘aww this is nice’
 as I watched him sleep. I believed I was happy, that this was love and that he really cared for me and would always be by my side. Those stupid fairy tale books!

I didn’t dare tell my mum and dad that I was no longer a virgin, I mean they would have killed me and my dad would literally have killed him. 

As months went on we had sex more and more and I started going on the pill, I didn’t want a baby for sure but I always made sure he wore a condom, much to his protest.

It was seven months later and it had finally reached bank holiday weekend which meant I would go to Alec’s until the Monday instead of coming home on the Sunday. 

I thought great, one more day with him but when I arrived off the train that day he seemed cold and distant. He had never been that way with me before, he always hugged and kissed me whenever I arrived or I got off the train and I hadn’t seen him all week so I knew that I didn’t do anything to upset him, putting it to the back of my mind we went to his house and done our usual thing of getting ready for a night out.

When we arrived at the club he still seemed distant, he barely spoke to me or touched me or held my hand so I was starting to get pissed off and I left them all at the table and went to the loo. I must have been in there for ten minutes as I looked in the mirror trying to figure out what the hell was going on.