When Hari Met His Saali (21 page)

She had already introduced Simi to Mary, Barry and the family. They had taken an instant liking to her. The first time they met at Hari’s place, Simi was awestruck with the coolness of the entire Malhotra clan. She witnessed Tia being herself in front of her in-laws, cracking jokes — sometimes adult jokes. Tia was also cool with
Badi Mama
and
Nana
, whom she thought were simply adorable.

I wish I could adopt both of them.

She would later gush to Tia about landing such a cool family as in-laws, equating it to Tia winning the lottery.

‘Teri toh jaise
lottery
nikal gayi hai!’

One day Tia, Simi and Hari drove around Los Angeles hand delivering their invitation cards, mostly to Barry’s closest friends and business associates. Lots of them were Indians. Tia and Hari would joke that ‘Next up is an Indian family we are visiting, make sure your socks are not torn or stinky!’

Tia would have to explain that unlike in India guests are not expected to remove their footwear at the door, unless of course it was an Indian family, then they have to. Hence the socks joke.

Simi was enjoying sightseeing various touristy places Tia and Hari would stop by to let her look at.The blue waters of the Pacific Ocean amazed her and she was also fascinated by the fact that when the cars on the road heard an ambulance siren they would all slow down and part ways like the Red Sea to let it pass! The ambulance would then race past them
zweep
with sirens blaring
woo-woo, honk-honk.

One time, when Tia and Simi were on Highway 101 near the Encino Mountains, there was an accident ahead. Soon the CHP — California Highway Patrol — cars showed up out of nowhere and a few minutes later had moved all the traffic onto the hard shoulder of the road. Then a
helicopter
landed right on the freeway and airlifted the victim off.

‘That’s the air ambulance,’ Tia told Simi proudly. ‘See how much value they have for human life?’

Simi was impressed. Back home, she had seen private cars competing and racing and honking to get
the ambulance out of their way.

The next day was a working day and everyone had gone to the office, so Mary took Simi to the Universal Studios. She was like a six-year-old girl, doing all the rides — some of them multiple times — watching all the fun shows, and taking pictures with Micky and Minnie Mouse. Simi realized that she felt so comfortable being herself in front of Mary that it was as if Mary was her own mother.

A day later, it was October 31st.

‘Tomorrow is Halloween. We are going to get you a costume and then we are going to party,’ Tia excitedly announced to Simi.

‘Halloween? Is it like a fancy dress party?’ Simi feigned excitement only because Tia was so excited about it.

‘No, well yes, I mean it is a one big party. Kids dress up in different costumes and go to houses asking for candy. Adults dress up to party. It’s something to do with celebrating dead people, its fun.’

‘Celebrate dead people?’

‘Yes, yes, but don’t worry about it. It’s not a depressing thing. It’s a very American thing, a celebration.’ Tia closed the discussion mainly because she had no further knowledge of Halloween beyond being an adult and as such being qualified to party all night on the day.

Simi nodded.

Jenny and Phil, and Chitthi and Cindy had all come over to Tia’s place dressed in elaborate costumes. Phil was a pirate, Jenny was a damsel-in-distress while Chitthi was, naturally, dressed as Dracula. Cindy was Marlyn Monroe and she looked exactly like the legendary starlet. Tia dressed up as a vampire and Hari was a
sadhu.

They all decided that Simi should go as Tinkerbell.

Simi and Jenny had bonded like long-lost soulmates. Jenny wouldn’t stop gushing about how pretty Simi looked dressed up as Tinkerbell, much to Tia’s annoyance.

‘She looks good in that costume because she is plump!’ Tia said. ‘She fills out the costume!’

But overall it was good. Simi learned the real meaning of painting the town red. They drove to Westwood — a “boys town” as it was called because, as she would learn, it was mostly gay and lesbian communities living there and on Halloween night they all poured out onto the main street, Santa Monica Boulevard, for a free-for-all parade.

Simi felt like she was in a comic book; everyone was dressed in costumes and so much thought, effort and enthusiasm must have been involved that this Nagpur girl didn’t even think of their sexuality and she saw them as people just like her. They were friendly, warm and so much fun.

Meanwhile, Jenny and Cindy took it upon themselves to have Simi taste every type of alcohol under the sun. Of course, Tia was keeping a close eye on her, and on Hari.

‘Don’t get her drunk like Hari. One Hari in my life is enough!’ to which everyone
pooh-poohed
her.

‘Oh get off your high horse, Tia,’ they said. ‘Let the man breathe and live a little!’

Simi tasted all kinds of cuisines and didn’t eat anything
normal
that night. She had oysters (ewee), snails (yuck), Octopus soup (vomit), crab (OK), lobster (yumm), tuna in olive oil (like
upama
in olive oil) and various dishes with chicken and fish. She stopped at beef. No beef.

They had done the rounds of all the legendary bars in West Los Angeles like O’Hara’s, Barnies Beanery, The Parlor, The Whiskey … and then she stopped trying to remember the names. She had tasted every kind of alcohol as promised by J.C. (Jenny & Cindy had by now being addressed together as J.C.). Although she was experimenting with her drinks and food, Simi was smart and cautious enough not to overdo it so she was just the right amount of giggly drunk and burpy stuffed. They drove back at almost five in the morning. She had never had so much fun in her life.

Ever.

Everyone else agreed. No one expected Tia’s little sister from India — on her first foreign trip — to be so open and willing, and social, and without any hang-ups. She was so much fun to be around. Simi was all giggles accepting the compliments, but truly she was just being herself. Maybe she had never had the opportunity to express herself in such an abandoned and free manner before, that’s all.

Hari crashed at Tia’s place again that night.

He’s probably never in a condition to go home to his parents.

That night Simi knew the bed was rockin’ next door but she was too pleased with herself to be creeped out this time. Still in a festive mood she did try to be funny with ‘You two, leave something for after the wedding!’ but then she realized she was whispering … to herself … and laughing at her own joke. It was time to go to sleep. She giggled some more and went off to sleep. The last thought that crossed her mind before the snoring started was
I love America. I could live here!

The next day — Minto’s office

Tia had brought Simi along for her final meeting with Minto at the Malibu West Beach Hotel. When Simi saw the place she half jokingly and half seriously asked Tia:

‘How much money do you make,
Didi
?’

Tia had avoided answering her but did threaten her.

‘Simi, if you call me
Didi
one more time, I am going to put you on a plane back to India before you can even begin to say sorry.’

‘Oh. Sorry.’

Simi was on the open deck looking at the beach and the ocean.

It’s so clean! So fresh!

When Tia introduced Simi to Minto he was very dismissive of her. No wonder, Tia thought, after all she’s not part of the equation for Minto.

In his office, Tia made a few more tweaks to Minto’s preparations in spite of his protests. Simi was impressed.

Tia doesn’t back down, she gets what she wants and just the way she wants it.

Simi knew she would have been so intimidated by this guy if she was the one getting married. He was so well dressed and well groomed … his nails were better manicured than hers. She slid her hands under her purse to hide them.

Minto was trying to convince Tia about someone named Xavier.

‘He is quite old and he just performed for some other event here at the hotel last night. I am not sure if he will agree to perform at your ceremony at the last minute, though!’

‘But you said that if I could convince him then it was fine by you?’ Tia argued.

‘I am sorry I even mentioned that he was at our hotel. I only did it because … because you are an Indian and so is he … but now I see that that has nothing to do with why he would agree to perform at your ceremony at such short notice.’

‘That’s because you don’t know Indians, and the
Indian jugaad
, Tia grinned.

‘Indian
juu
what?’ Minto didn’t understand, but thanks to Tia within minutes Minto was introducing her to a tall handsome older man with broad shoulders, shoulder-length salt-n-pepper hair and a same shade French cut beard. He was simply dressed in a linen white shirt and linen pants, but his eyes had an ethereal sparkle to them.

It was Mr. Xavier.

While Tia was talking to him, Simi took the opportunity to look around the rest of the property. Minto showed her the ballroom, the bridesmaid’s room as well as the honeymoon suite, which the hotel offered as complimentary to the newly wedded couple for their wedding night.

‘But Tia and Hari are not getting married, they’re getting engaged,’ Simi told Minto, who folded one arm and with the other waved in the air indicating he was slightly upset.

‘That’s exactly what I said to your sister. We only rent out this for wedded couple, but she insisted and I relented. So the newly engaged couple will stay here for one night. Your sister is one tough negotiator.’ Minto hinted at respect as well as annoyance in his compliment of Tia.

On their way back Tia stopped at Ruby’s Shake Shackon PCH because she wanted Simi to try some classic American food like burgers and shakes after all the seafood binging. The shack was located at the Malibu Pier Club and was right on the beach.

As had become routine by now Simi got confused by the restaurant menu and had to ask Tia for help.

‘I’ll take whatever you are eating.’

‘Day after tomorrow is my engagement and I really can’t afford to have a milkshake but I’ll get you something nice,’ she said.

‘How about a Guacamole burger?’ Tia asked looking at the menu.

Simi was still processing the word ‘guacamole’.

‘Okay, there is this fruit, avocado. It’s like a guava but more exotic. And guacamole is a sauce made from avocado. They mash the avocado, mix it with sea salt, onion, garlic, lime juice, chili and seasoning. You don’t get this in India, it’s yummy,’ Tia was salivating as she blurted out the recipe. It was clear that she was ordering it because it was her favorite.

Simi was not sure, but didn’t argue. She was famished and prayed she would like it.

Thankfully, Simi liked the guacamole Burger — she found it delicious — and the Peanut Butter Cup Shake Tia had ordered for her was amazing as well. The burger was so big that it wouldn’t fit into Simi’s hands. And on top of that she had the thick milkshake.

How can one person eat this much?

Tia was telling her the proper way to eat a burger.

‘Hold it like it’s a mouth organ with both hands and then start eating from the periphery while rotating it. The center is the last piece you eat. Also, wash it down from time to time with the shake.’

Simi could see that Tia so badly wanted to eat it, she even offered her a bite, but Tia was determined to maintain her figure.

‘So who is Xavier and what is he going to do at the ceremony?’ Simi asked as she wiped the excess guacamole from her mouth.

‘
Arrey
, he is some magician performer. He does weddings and birthdays. Because he performed at the club last night I asked him to perform for us as well.’

‘So, did he agree?’

‘Finally he did, after much pleading from me!’

‘Was he asking for too much money?’

‘No,
yaar.
It’s not like he is a world-famous magician like David Copperfield or anything. He was acting pricey, saying his health was not good.’

‘Tia, he looked really old and if his health was not good, maybe he shouldn’t,
na
?’

‘
Arrey
, he has to do some stupid tricks for twenty minutes. He’s not gonna die! And I need to fill up those twenty minutes, because I don’t like the DJ I have right now. Anyways its some extra cash for Xavier before he leaves for India, so it’s a win-win situation.’

Tia called her DJ then and informed him to cut whatever he was going to do by twenty minutes.

That night Tia went to her gym, Twenty-Four Hour Fitness, near her home. The place, as the name suggests, was open twenty-four hours a day so that people had no excuse not to work out. She took Simi along as a guest but once inside the three-storied gymnasium, Simi felt intimidated by the perfectly toned bodies and muscles she saw. To top it all, when Tia took her to the women’s locker room to change into the gym clothes she had loaned her Simi couldn’t even breathe. Women were roaming around the locker room completely naked. Simi couldn’t help staring at them.

‘You don’t have to get naked like them,’ Tia whispered to her. ‘You can just change in one of those rooms and go out.’

But there was no way Simi was even going to be around these goddesses. She recalled the last time she had seen herself nude in the mirror; even she was disgusted. She was in such bad shape,
she thought
, that she quickly left the locker room.

For the next hour or so, she just eyed the gorgeous men and women and followed Tia wherever she was working out. When Tia finally went for a swim in the indoor temperature-controlled swimming pool, she urged Simi again.

‘Swim
to kar le
! You know swimming,
na
? Papa taught us both together!’

But Simi stayed stuck to the lounge chair near the pool admiring her
sister’s lithe body as it carved a path through the clear water and amongst other equally beautiful people. Simi felt like such an outsider. She was even embarrassed about her dirty sneakers and cursed herself for being
kanjus
and not getting a new pair for the trip, even though Sharmila had mentioned to her that Americans have separate clothing for their various activities. True enough, everyone else’s clothes and shoes looked brand new at the gym.