What You Really Really Want (5 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
All of which is to say: Just because your family believes certain things about sex or acts certain waysâeven if they seem really sure about what they believe or how they actâdoesn't mean those beliefs are right for you. In order to figure out what you really really want, you've got to think about the lessons you've learned from your family and decide what you value and what you might want to let go of in order to move forward with what you want.
Dive In:Write a short paragraph beginning with each of the following phrases:
⢠When it comes to sex and sexuality, my family _____________
⢠My family's attitudes about sexuality have been influenced by _____________
⢠Something my family taught me about sexuality that I agree with is _____________
⢠Something my family taught me about sexuality that I disagree with is _____________
⢠Something my family taught me about sexuality that I'm confused or unsure about is _____________
⢠When I disagree with my family about sexuality, they _____________
Is there any more confusing source of information about sexuality than the media? Whether it's the movies or TV, video games or the nightly news, music or gossip websitesâto say nothing of pornâsexual images of women are everywhere in our mass media. But what do they tell us?
On the one hand, if you went by the mass media, you'd think that it was a legal requirement that all girls and women look sexy at all times, and a very particular kind of sexy at that: perfect hair, polished nails, shaved legs, trendy clothes, etc. Not to mention white, thin, able-bodied, young, and conventionally pretty. In medialand, if you fail to do and be all of these things, you're either evil or pathetic or both. But look
too
sexyâwear too much makeup, clothes too short or too tight, etc.âor act like you actually want sex too much, and you're a “slut,” which also makes you evil or pathetic or both.
too
sexyâwear too much makeup, clothes too short or too tight, etc.âor act like you actually want sex too much, and you're a “slut,” which also makes you evil or pathetic or both.
That teeny window of “correct” female sexuality in the media is a big tip-off that something's wrong. There are so many different kinds of women, and we experience our sexualities a million different waysâsometimes all on the same day. So if the media are showing only one (or even two or three!) of those ways, they're clearly not trying to represent the experiences of real women. But what
are
they trying to do?
are
they trying to do?
Mostly, they're trying to sell stuff. TV shows want you to buy whatever their advertisers are selling, so the companies will keep advertising and the show can stay on the air. Movies are trying to sell tickets and DVDs. Video games are selling not just the game itself, but the next version of the game (which is always coming out soon!), the merch associated with it, etc.
You get the picture. Whatever the medium, one of the most popular ways of trying to sell us stuff is by presenting impossibly narrow and idealized representations of women.
You get the picture. Whatever the medium, one of the most popular ways of trying to sell us stuff is by presenting impossibly narrow and idealized representations of women.
What's that do? Well, it tells women that they can be happy, but only if they buy the infinite things required to make them look and act like the media's Ideal Woman. And it tells (straight) men that they can be happy, but only if they buy the infinite things required to attract the media's Ideal Woman.
To make matters worse, our mass media often treats violence against women casually (think
Grand Theft Auto
) or like a joke (as in the movie
Observe and Report
), and passive, normative women's sexuality (think the Victoria's Secret fashion show) like wholesome entertainment, while treating complex and authentic portrayals of sex as beyond the pale and dangerous to minors. Is it any wonder we live in such a violent and sexually repressed culture, or that we're deeply and often permanently confused about the many ways we deviate from those artificial ideals?
Grand Theft Auto
) or like a joke (as in the movie
Observe and Report
), and passive, normative women's sexuality (think the Victoria's Secret fashion show) like wholesome entertainment, while treating complex and authentic portrayals of sex as beyond the pale and dangerous to minors. Is it any wonder we live in such a violent and sexually repressed culture, or that we're deeply and often permanently confused about the many ways we deviate from those artificial ideals?
Dive In:Think back to some adolescent media crushesâthat song or album you listened to over and over, the magazine subscription you thought would change your life, the book you picked up again and again, the movie you imagined yourself starring in, the video game you played and played and played, the TV show you just couldn't miss. What drew you to these particular experiences? What, if anything, did they say to you about sexuality? What lessons did you learn from them that
you've since rejected, and what did you learn that you still adhere to today? If you could go back and tell your adolescent self something about your media choices, what would it be? Get out your journal, and write about it for five minutes.
Let's face it: As much as we like to see ourselves as independent thinkers, it can matter a lot what people think of us. So your peers' attitudes toward sex and sexuality are probably going to have a big impact on you, for better or for worse.
This influence can work a lot of different ways. Some of them have to do with comparing your sexual behavior to other people's: Maybe everyone you know is having sex or doing some particular sex act and thinks you're weird because you don't want to, or aren't ready, or haven't found the right circumstances for you. Maybe the opposite is trueâyou're sexually active in a way that no one around you seems to be, and you feel like you can't say anything about it, or they'll think you're bad, amoral, or “easy.”
Twenty-four-year-old Zeinab shares how she struggled with this: “A few of my friends are very conservative, and when I started exploring more of my sexuality and sharing that with them, a lot of times I felt like I was getting veiled hostility, and I felt like I was getting shamed by them as well, because they weren't doing what I was doing, and so it almost felt like they were acting superior to me.”
Sometimes peer attitudes about sexuality come out in ways that have nothing to do with what sexual activities you are or aren't participating in. If you've been teased for being “slutty” or “trampy” or a “ho,” it's probably not because the people doing the teasing (who, let's face it, are just as likely to be other girls as they are to be boys) have information about what you're doing sexually. More likely, it's because you dress differently, or exhibit a kind of confidence in your body other girls don't, or even simply because you're unafraid to express your opinion about things that have nothing to do with sex. The exact same things can be said for girls who are accused of being “dykes” or “lesbians”âthose “accusations” rarely have anything to do with actual sexual orientation, and everything to do with the insecurities and immaturities of the people using those words.
Sexuality-related judgments are used all the time to police not-very-sexual behaviors, because they work. For most of us, those kinds of pronouncements cut close to the bone, because there can be very real consequences to being seen as a “slut” or a “dyke.” There's not anything actually wrong with being a woman who has a lot of sex or a woman who is sexually attracted to other women, but those kinds of labels can be used to excuse taunting, shaming, social excommunication, and even violence.
Fortunately, peers can also be an enormous support when it comes to navigating your sexuality. Good friendsâones who support your happiness and health, whatever form it takesâcan be great sounding boards when you're experimenting with new ideas or experiences. They can be your lead cheerleaders when you're setting difficult boundaries with yourself or other people.
They can laugh with you (not at you!) about how ridiculous all this sex stuff is sometimes. They can comfort you if you're grappling with trauma or heartbreak. They can be incredible resources when you're looking for ideas, information, advice, or reality checks. And they can defend you and reassure you when it seems like other people are judging you for your sexual choices.
They can laugh with you (not at you!) about how ridiculous all this sex stuff is sometimes. They can comfort you if you're grappling with trauma or heartbreak. They can be incredible resources when you're looking for ideas, information, advice, or reality checks. And they can defend you and reassure you when it seems like other people are judging you for your sexual choices.
Shira, age nineteen, learned this the best way. “While so many of my friends were telling me to read
Cosmo
articles as preparation for my first time having sex,” she remembers, “one friend talked to me instead about masturbation, finding my clitoris, and instructing my partner. She taught me to be my own first partner. For her, I am so grateful.”
Cosmo
articles as preparation for my first time having sex,” she remembers, “one friend talked to me instead about masturbation, finding my clitoris, and instructing my partner. She taught me to be my own first partner. For her, I am so grateful.”
That's why it's important to be choosy about your friends.
Dive In:Actually, this is more of a “don't do this.” As you embark on this journey, be cautious about who you discuss it with. Even good friends of yours may be challenged by hearing about the questions you're now asking yourself and the things you're learning. This can happen even with friends who truly have your best interest at heart, because hearing about the issues you're grappling with might remind them of how uncomfortable they themselves feel with their own sexuality, and how little they know what they really really want. It's natural to want to talk about this process and the strong feelings it's probably going to bring up, but the best thing to do is to share those feelings with a friend who's taking the journey with you. If you don't have a partner in this process,
see if you can find someone to confide in whose relationship with her sexuality you admire. Above all, remember: If people are making you feel bad about engaging in this process, that's telling you something about them, not anything about you. Don't go back to those people for support on these issues.
What did you learn about sexuality in school? If you're like most students in the United States, you probably learned that sex is both emotionally and physically dangerous if you have it before you're married. If you're “lucky,” you then learned how to prevent some of the greatest risks of sex, just in case you were going to insist on doing it anyhow. If you weren't as lucky (if you were the beneficiary, for example, of U.S. federal initiatives in the last decade that poured more than a billion dollars into sex education programs that taught abstinence as the only choice), you likely learned that girls who have sex before marriage are like presucked candy, have given away the most precious thing they have to someone who doesn't deserve it, or are just plain doomed to hell.
There's a reason, of course, that schools teach this wayâthey're made up of people who've grown up in our messed-up sexual culture, and they're trying teach what they can while offending the fewest people possible. But the problem with both of these approaches is that they treat sex like a yes-or-no questionâand one with only one correct answer at that. The reality is much more complicated. (You probably already know that on some
level, or you wouldn't be reading this book.) Sexuality encompasses a vast spectrum of feelings, thoughts, and desires, none of which are “wrong” or “right” so much as they just
are
. It's what you do with them that matters. As long as what you do with your sexuality (a) doesn't hurt anyone else and (b) doesn't hurt you or expose you to unnecessary risk (we'll be talking lots more about how to decide what risks are unnecessary in chapter 4), then there is literally nothing you can do that's actually “wrong.”
level, or you wouldn't be reading this book.) Sexuality encompasses a vast spectrum of feelings, thoughts, and desires, none of which are “wrong” or “right” so much as they just
are
. It's what you do with them that matters. As long as what you do with your sexuality (a) doesn't hurt anyone else and (b) doesn't hurt you or expose you to unnecessary risk (we'll be talking lots more about how to decide what risks are unnecessary in chapter 4), then there is literally nothing you can do that's actually “wrong.”
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