What to Expect the Toddler Years (99 page)

“My daughter is starting to speak in sentences. She makes a lot of mistakes in grammar. Should I start correcting her so she can get it right from the start?”

The English language is rife with inconsistencies, with rules made to be broken. What’s “right” often makes no sense at all to someone first learning to speak it, and what’s “wrong” is often much more logical. Which is why beginners, whether native-born toddlers or newly arrived adults, make so many “mistakes”—adding an “s” to “mouse,” for instance, or an “ed” to “bring,” or saying “hisself” instead of “himself.”

Your toddler has begun feeling comfortable enough with her verbal capabilities to experiment with combining words to form sentences; it’s not a good time to bog her down with complicated rules. Rather than enhancing her language development, pressuring her to speak correctly so early in her speaking career would likely make her less inclined to speak at all, for fear of making mistakes. While it’s fine to echo back correctly what she says incorrectly (she says, “Stevie did it his-self,” you say, “Yes, Stevie did it himself”), it isn’t all right to continuously correct her (she says, “The cat catched two mouses,” and you say, “No, that’s all wrong. You should have said, ‘The cat caught two mice.’”).

Give your toddler time, encouragement, and a good example to follow, and she’ll eventually make sense of her nonsensical native tongue.

“My son has a pretty substantial vocabulary, but he still refers to himself by his name instead of saying ‘I’ or ‘me.’ Should I correct him?”

Although your toddler’s vocabulary is shaping up well, many of the subtleties of our language may still elude him for a while yet—pronouns among them. Names, particularly his name, are much clearer in meaning to a young child than are “I” and “me.” Most toddlers begin to use pronouns appropriately somewhere between the second and third birthdays; until then, there are plenty of errors.

It’s best not to stifle a toddler’s urge to communicate with constant grammatical corrections. Instead of criticizing, repeat what he says back to him with the proper pronoun in place (he says, “Her going, too,” and you say, “That’s great. She’s going, too.”).

And be wary of avoiding pronouns yourself in an effort to be more clearly understood by your toddler. Say, “Do you want some juice?” instead of “Does Jordan want some juice?” and “I have to cook dinner now,” instead of “Daddy has to cook dinner now.” If your toddler doesn’t seem to grasp the use of pronouns yet, double up until he does (“Daddy has to cook dinner now. I have to cook dinner now.”).

“Some of the kids my son plays with can recite the alphabet and count. My son doesn’t seem interested in learning any of this. Is he going to be behind when he starts school?”

They’re counting, identifying letters—a few are even beginning to recognize words. Is this rampant precocity in today’s toddlers a sure sign of giftedness? No. More often, it’s a sign that these tots have been watching a lot of television.

Most early alphabet-reciters and counters owe their premature proficiencies to shows like
Sesame Street
, which teach these skills with captivating characters, catchy music, and lots of repetition. Some of these children are actually picking up prereading and number skills; others are just mimicking what they see.

Of course, television isn’t the only impetus for this early learning. Intellectual nurturing in the home and innate ability are factors, too. And although there’s probably nothing wrong with this kind of head start, there’s nothing necessary about it, either. While children who’ve had some letter and number experience before school may enjoy a temporary edge, studies show they don’t retain it, as other students quickly catch up.

The fact that a child doesn’t show an interest in academics at two or three years of age in no way suggests he won’t become a good student. Relax and enjoy your toddler as he is. Give him plenty of experiences and stimulation (see page 78); talk to him, read to him, count with him while climbing stairs and doling out crackers, share some fun ABC books, cut sandwiches into triangles, squares, rectangles, circles. If he watches educational TV, watch with him and reinforce what he sees. Make learning exciting and enticing (see page 99), but don’t belittle him if he isn’t ready to count or learn the alphabet. There’s plenty of time ahead for him to master these before first grade. Right now, feeling good about himself is more important than learning specific facts.

Looking at most toddlers, it’s hard to believe that self-esteem could be in short supply. Imperious and dogmatic, they seem nothing but sure of themselves. Yet, although they may be sure of what they want, toddlers are actually quite unsure of who they are.

It’s at this stage that the seeds of self-worth, sown in infancy, must be cultivated and encouraged to grow. Studies show that children who learn to believe early on, “I am a good person, a valuable person,” are more likely to grow up believing in themselves. They have less need to impress others or to receive the approval of others to feel good about themselves; they can have rewarding relationships with others, can better handle peer pressure, and can reject drugs and other self-destructive behaviors. They have high self-esteem.

Though building self-esteem is something a toddler needs to do for himor herself—one developmental brick at
a time—the construction phase will go more smoothly with parental help, support, and patience. To protect your sanity while you protect your toddler’s self-esteem, a sense of humor will definitely come in handy. As will these tips:

Lay on the love . . .
Human beings can’t feel good about themselves unless they have known love, the no-strings-attached kind of love that says, “I love you no matter what.”

. . . and the attention.
No matter how confident you are, you would begin to doubt your worth if you were regularly ignored by your spouse, your employer, the hosts at a party, friends at lunch. The toddler, too, needs regular attention in order to feel worthwhile. Talk to your child. Really listen when he or she talks. Pay heed to his or her needs and desires (even when you can’t fulfill them, they shouldn’t be ignored). Avoid constantly saying, “I’m busy . . .”

But provide plenty of space.
Hovering over your toddler, always dishing out advice or assistance before it’s requested, can squelch self-motivation. It can accus tom your toddler to looking to you for answers to questions and solutions to prob lems, rather than attempting to discover them on his or her own. Lost along with the self-motivation are the self-satisfaction and confidence that come with successfully meeting challenges. It’s also confidence building for toddlers to play by themselves occasionally, so that they discover that they can be independent, don’t always have to look to others for entertainment, and can be “good company” for themselves (see page 286).

Hold your toddler in high esteem.
Your toddler’s self-esteem, in the long run, depends on the esteem you and others show for him or her. Make your child feel like a valued member of the family—one whose thoughts, feelings, and desires are given equal consideration and are never belittled. Show your respect by being there for your child; don’t regularly put your social life, your work, your religious life, your household chores before the needs of your child. This is especially difficult for single parents, but nevertheless necessary.

Hold yourself in high esteem.
Be a model of self-respect for your toddler; avoid denigrating yourself, doubting your judgment, indulging in self-destructive behavior (smoking, abusing alcohol or drugs, overeating). Having parents who think well of themselves inspires toddlers to think well of themselves, too.

Be fair—don’t compare.
Your toddler is a unique individual. Comparing your behavior, development, temperament, eating habits, or anything else, to that of his siblings, playmates, classmates, the child next door, or your memory of yourself as a child, is unfair and unwise. This goes not only for negative comparisons (“Why can’t you behave like Matt?” “Why can’t you eat as nicely as your sister does?” “Why can’t you go to the potty like all your friends at play group?”), but for positive comparisons, too. Children who are chronically over-praised (“You draw better than anybody!” “Nobody is as pretty as you!” “You know your numbers better than any of your friends!”) can find it difficult to live up to this glorified image. And those who come to believe that they are indeed better than everyone else often become unbearably arrogant. As a result, they may be less popular with their peers and with others, which ultimately weakens their inner core of self-esteem (though they may continue to appear cocky on the outside). Accept and appreciate the special individual your toddler is (see page 398), and he or she will be more likely to accept and appreciate that person, too.

Watch your language.
Be careful not to use derogatory names or labels, even in a playfully teasing way (“Oh, Annie is a fatty!” or “Jason is a baby!”) Such taunts can be taken seriously by the literal toddler. Don’t exaggerate: Starting every reprimand with, “You
always
. . .” or “You
never
. . .” is unjust and can hardly be accurate. But say it often enough, and your toddler may come to believe it’s true. And avoid stirring up guilt: “Oh, if it weren’t for you, we’d be able to go to a movie once in a while.” Or, “Your nursery school is so expensive we can’t go on vacation.”

Balance your expectations
. Pushing your child to achieve early—to speak in sentences or give up diapers or recognize letters—won’t necessarily accomplish the desired objective any sooner. But it could make your child feel like a failure for not meeting your expectations. On the other hand, expecting too little gives your toddler no incentive to do his or her personal best. Finding the right balance—having expectations that take into account your toddler’s age and abilities, and providing challenges that are realistically within reach—will be most helpful in building self-esteem.

Make limits and expectations clear and consistent.
If one day you expect your toddler to sit down at the table to eat a snack and the next day you let him or her roam the living room with it, you can generate confusion, which in turn can lower self-esteem. Knowing what’s expected makes a child feel confident and secure. Assuming, of course, that what’s expected is reasonable. Expecting a two-year-old to make her own bed or sort his own laundry, for example, wouldn’t be.

Validate your toddler’s feelings.
As important as accepting your toddler’s personality, talents, and abilities is accepting his or her feelings—even if they include such negative and difficult-to-handle emotions as jealousy and anger. Teaching a toddler to express these emotions in socially acceptable ways, rather than criticizing or trying to stifle them, will make your child more comfortable with feelings of all kinds and thus with him- or herself.

Let your toddler make decisions.
It’s not realistic to offer your toddler a choice on everything; if you did, bedtime would be anytime, dinner would be ice cream and soda, and shorts would be
de rigueur
in snowstorms. But it is realistic, and advisable, to give your toddler choices when feasible. Not only is early practice in decision making essential preparation for life in the real world—where options await us at every turn—but it’s essential now, for your toddler’s self-esteem. As any wise manager recognizes, letting subordinates know that you respect their judgment enough to allow them to make their own choices boosts morale and performance.

When offering choices, however, avoid overloading your toddler with too many (four breakfast choices, for instance), which can overwhelm, frustrate, and result in indecision. For more on decision making, see page 414.

Let your toddler make mistakes.
Making decisions means making mistakes—at least sometimes. And making mistakes is part of the learning process in becoming a better decision-maker. If you take away the opportunity for your toddler to make mistakes, you take away his or her opportunity to learn from them. When ever you give your toddler a chance to make a decision, abide by it. If it turns out the decision wasn’t such a great one, stand by your toddler—don’t attack his or her self-esteem with “I told you so’s.” Let your child know, and keep in mind yourself, that nobody’s perfect (see page 81)—and that’s okay.

Criticize constructively.
Criticism should be used to teach, not wound, to build self-esteem up, not tear it down.

Criticize the behavior, not the child.
Toddlers need to feel that parental love won’t be diminished or withdrawn if they misbehave. To make sure that the message comes across loud and clear, show disapproval of what your toddler’s done (“It’s not nice to throw toys”) rather than of him or her (“You naughty child!”). You can also show you still think well of your child by saying, “I’m surprised you did that. It isn’t like you to hit your friend.”

Keep criticism under control.
Having to correct behavior is unavoidable with a toddler. But constantly finding fault can undermine a child’s self-esteem—usually without improving behavior. (A child who hears “You’re naughty” over and over again may come to believe it and will see no gain in trying to “be good.”) If you absolutely need to get something negative off your chest, go into another room and unload it—out of your toddler’s earshot.

Avoid cruel and inhuman physical punishment, including spanking, and punishments that embarrass (such as scolding in front of a playmate), frighten (“If you don’t behave, I’m going to call the police to come and get you”), or diminish (“You’re a nothing!”). In fact, try to avoid punishing at all (see page 127 for better ways to discipline).