Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (98 page)
Provide other playmates
. If your toddler is a naturally social being who thrives on playing with others, arrange play dates, join a play group, and visit the playground regularly so that she will become accustomed to peer playmates. Another possible playmate is a mother’s helper, who can play with your toddler while you get chores done. Preteens and young teens are often available for such work at reasonable rates, and toddlers usually adore these helpers.
Demand some rights . . .
Parents of demanding toddlers have a right to demand a thing or two themselves. It’s your right to go through the mail or bills, to get around to a thank-you note, to sort the laundry and cook dinner, to occasionally even read the paper or a book (which, in addition, provides a good example for your toddler). Always let your toddler’s demands supersede your rights, and you will raise a self-centered child who will think that she can do anything anytime. Make some demands of your own, and your toddler eventually will come to accept that you have rights, too—an important step toward learning to respect the rights of others (see page 41).
. . . but be realistic.
Let’s face it. Many of the rights you enjoyed before you became a parent—the right to flexibility, privacy, and peace and quiet anytime you please—can’t be considered inalienable anymore. Though having some occasional time to yourself is a reasonable expectation, time for yourself whenever you want it, at this stage of the game, is not.
Time your time alone
. If you need to balance the checkbook, make an important phone call, or take care of another chore that your toddler can’t “participate” in, set a timer for the amount of time you need, and let her watch it tick away. This will not only occupy her while you’re busy, but will give her some sense of control over you—which, of course, is what she wants the most. Just be sure that when the timer rings, you’re ready to turn your attention to her.
Be patient.
Teaching a toddler to enjoy playing by herself is a slow process. Getting her to spend even a few minutes on her own should be considered progress, and is an important step on the road to independence.
ONTINUED CLUMSINESS
“My toddler has been walking for a year now, but he still falls or trips several times a day. Could he have a problem with his coordination?”
Most toddlers seem to have a problem with their coordination—but that’s only because they’re toddlers. Though most have come a long way, with relatively smooth strides taking the place of last year’s tentative and awkward first steps, they still have a long way to go. Still absent are the abilities to come to a quick stop and to turn sharp corners—skills that, once they are mastered, will cut down on the number of daily falls dramatically.
But some of the reasons for a toddler’s continued clumsiness aren’t coordination-related at all. For one, toddlers are apt to be in perpetual motion—motion that doesn’t anticipate barriers or slow down for obstacles. For another, they are immensely curious and self-involved—so much so that they don’t always look where they’re going.
And, of course, toddler judgment still lags behind their motor skills.
As long as your toddler persists in playing the fall guy, continue to take precautions to keep his environment as safe as possible; see page 622. If he seems to have difficulty walking, limps, or is unsteady on his feet, however, check with his doctor.
EPEATED “NO’S”
“Sometimes I overhear my daughter saying very sharply to her teddy bear, ‘No!’ And I wonder if she hears me saying it too often.”
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, you should be flattered. And as one of your child’s primary role models, you can expect to be the object of frequent flattery: The first attempts at dramatic play almost invariably revolve around family life, with dialogue patterned around the most familiar parental refrains. It is no surprise that “no!” is among them.
But imitation isn’t the only reason toddlers like to say “no!” to their dolls and stuffed animals. It’s a power trip, their way of turning the tables and taking command, their chance to lay down the law for a change.
All of which is normal and healthy, and nothing to be concerned about. Just make sure you’re not saying “no” all the time (see page 48), and that, when appropriate, you’re relinquishing some power to your toddler.
OISINESS IN PUBLIC PLACES
“Whenever we go to a restaurant, our son is the noisiest person around. The quieter it is, the louder he talks. It’s so embarrassing.”
A toddler loves the sound of his own voice. Put that voice in a quiet space—especially a large, cavernous one with plenty of echoes—and it becomes even more gratifying. Add extra attention—strangers’ heads turning, parents turning purple with embarrassment—and you’re talking ultimate pleasure.
But there’s more than typical toddler mischief behind these noisy outbursts. Toddlers simply don’t understand what constitutes proper behavior in public. Even if they did, they would have trouble complying because they’re not good at controlling their impulses. Nor have most toddlers learned voice modula-tion—the difference between an “outside” and “inside” voice. Add to these reasons the fact that children tend to get less parental attention in restaurants (parents are reading a menu, chatting, eating) and acting out is often the fastest way to get noticed and it’s easy to understand your toddler’s behavior. Others around you, of course, may not, and they have a right to enjoy their meal in relative tranquility—without the crackle of toddler Muzak.
What to do? You could just give up public appearances with your toddler for a while, but that would teach him nothing about public decorum—and it could seriously cramp your lifestyle. Or you could take the steps recommended for successful dining out with toddlers (page 528).
You can also help keep the peace in restaurants by teaching your toddler a modicum of voice modulation:
Give his voice a name.
Before your next outing, sit your toddler down and explain—with an audio demonstration—that there are two kinds of voices: an “inside” voice, and an “outside” voice. The inside voice is soft; it’s the voice to use in the house when people are sleeping or talking or watching television,
when you’re in a restaurant, the library, a museum, at religious services. His outside voice can be louder, and is good for the playground, the backyard, on a noisy street. (Then make sure you stay away from outdoor cafés—at least until he’s learned the subtle difference between outdoor places where an outside voice is appropriate and outdoor places that require an inside voice.) Have him
practice the inside voice in the house; tell him he can practice his outside voice when he is playing outside.
CHEER ACHIEVEMENT . . . BUT HOW MUCH?
Children need praise. But opinions vary on how, and how much, to praise. Some experts recommend bestowing praise freely and lavishly; others warn not to overdo the applause on the premise that your child will find it difficult to judge his or her work accurately. Many recommend that the praise be aimed at the behavior (“Sharing that truck was a very nice thing to do”) rather than the child (“You’re the best little boy in the whole world”). They believe that constantly telling children they’re the best can turn out paralyzed perfectionists who are so afraid of not being able to live up to overblown parental expectations that they stop trying. Others suggest focusing on the effort itself, since the results of a toddler’s endeavors are not always successful (“You tried very hard to be quiet while the baby was sleeping; thank you”). Still others suggest phrasing praise (as well as criticism) in the context of “I” sentences (“I like the way you picked up the blocks”).
Which approach should you take in praising your child? Pick the one that seems to work best for your toddler. If your child seems upset when you limit yourself to lukewarm accolades such as, “You tried hard to draw a circle,” then find something more concrete to praise in the effort, perhaps, “Hey, you made a really cute squiggly line—that’s great!” If overlavish and undeserved praise makes your child blasé or sloppy, cut back and try a more honest appraisal: “Putting in all those pieces is very good, but I bet you can finish that puzzle if you try a little harder.” (But be sure the goal you’re setting is realistic.) Reinforce the feelings of a child who is proud of an accomplishment. Teach self-appreciation (“Aren’t you proud of yourself for going up the slide by yourself?”) so that your child won’t be dependent on you for kudos; he or she will know how to self-applaud. Praise attributes—a sense of humor, kindness, ability to find things, friendliness—as well as actual achievements.
Whichever approach you use, be specific when offering praise (“You did a wonderful job of picking up your toys”) rather than general (“Very good”). Offer praise often enough so that you encourage future efforts, but not so often that it rings false and loses its ego boosting impact. Avoid praise that isn’t earned (children usually can tell when you’re laying it on thick), but don’t set your standards so high that you rarely have anything to praise. If you haven’t been offering much praise lately, look hard for something to compliment—this shouldn’t be difficult since toddlers are always reaching new milestones.
In spite of the voices of child-care authorities, if you feel like saying, “You were such a good boy today!” or “What a good girl you are to let Lisa take turns riding on your tricycle!” say it. Sincere praise from a parent is much more valuable than praise that is carefully calculated to accord with an expert’s opinion.
And don’t reserve praise for your toddler alone. Let your child see you expressing sincere and spontaneous appreciation for work well done or for kind or thoughtful gestures to all members of the family, baby-sitters, visiting children, the worker who fixed the television, the sani tation worker who picks up the trash. And keep in mind that praise doesn’t always have to be verbal—sometimes a pat on the back, a hug, or a proud smile says it all.
HAPPINESS IS A WARM PARENT . . .
Searching for the recipe for a happy life for your child? The single most important ingredient, child development experts agree, is loving, physical contact. One long-term study, in fact, which followed its subjects from early childhood into their thirties, showed that being raised with an abundance of hugs, kisses, and cuddling went further toward producing happy adults than being raised with any other advantage, and even seemed to help negate such potential risk fac tors as poverty, broken homes, and stress. The study also suggests that kids who are hugged a lot are not only more likely to turn out to be happy adults, but to find more satisfaction in all areas of life, including marriage and family, friendships, and career. So bear in mind that ubiquitous bumper sticker and ask yourself frequently: “Have I hugged my child today?”
Of course, hugging a child doesn’t guarantee lifetime happiness. Happiness also stems from satisfying relationships, from helping others, from succeeding at endeavors, from self-esteem, from knowing oneself and one’s goals. So it’s important to help children to develop all these aspects of their lives. And to stress that ultimately we all make our own happiness—that it doesn’t come from possessions or food or anything else external.
That’s not to say that a child must have a pain-free childhood to be happy. In fact, a very sheltered upbringing can lead to culture shock when a child is finally exposed to the real world. It’s better for a child to recognize that no one is happy all the time, that life has its good times and bad times, and that, with love, you can cope with the worst of them. Be an upbeat role model when possible; try to be optimistic and satisfied with your lot. Happy parents tend to raise happy children. But don’t feel obligated to put on a happy face when you’re down (unless you’re down all the time; see page 752). It’s okay to discuss the fact that you’re sad today because something went wrong at work or because your best friend moved away. Talk about the positive things you do to make yourself feel better when you’re sad, such as hugging someone you love, listening to your favorite music, playing the piano, reading a book, doing a puzzle, going for a jog, talking to a friend, or helping someone. Avoid suggesting the use of food or money to bring happiness—that would be misleading. (Of course, never turn to alcohol or drugs for a lift—in front of your child or behind closed doors.)
Let him get his outside voice out of his system.
Make sure your toddler has opportunities to scale the decibel range to his ears’ content. Let him do plenty of loud singing and screeching at appropriate times and in appropriate places. (But keep in mind that excessive screeching can lead to hoarseness.)
Praise his choice of the right voice.
Whenever your toddler uses an inside voice at the appropriate time, even if he’s just babbling quietly to himself in the kitchen, don’t forget to compliment his good judgment. Positive reinforcement yields better results than criticism. If, however, your toddler is the kind to “get ideas”—when you compliment him on his inside voice, he suddenly remembers what fun he has using his outside voice—save the compliments for when he switches, at your request, from an outside to an inside voice.
Take an outside voice out.
If your toddler starts jabbering at the top of his lungs
in the restaurant, and doesn’t respond when reminded to switch to his inside voice, take him and his voice where they belong—outdoors. Do this without much ado, and without raising your own voice.
Finally, keep your expectations realistic when you go to a restaurant. Don’t expect your toddler to sit quietly at the table for endless periods of time. When he’s reached his limit and starts acting up, it’s time for a member of your party to take a walk with your toddler in tow.