What to Expect the Toddler Years (130 page)

Give him love.
It’s the most important gift anyone can give or receive. And as long as your child’s getting plenty of love, and is starting to learn how to give it back, you—and he—are on the right track.

“One of the the children who often plays with our daughter tends to hit. When her mother isn’t around I’m not sure what my role should be in preventing this child from hurting the other children.”

While it’s inappropriate to step in and discipline a child who is misbehaving when her parent or caregiver is present, it’s not only appropriate but necessary to do so when you’re in charge. When children are in your care, you are responsible for supervising their behavior.

So the next time one of your young guests takes a swing, let her know immediately that hitting won’t be tolerated. If the victim is crying or upset, focus your attention there first, then turn to the aggressor. Be firm, but keep your cool—anger is not likely to be productive. Simply explain: “We don’t hit in our house. If you keep hitting, you won’t be able to play here and you will have to go home.” (For more tips for dealing with toddler aggression, see page 190.)

Keep in mind, however, that a child whose parent isn’t present may hit because she’s uneasy or uncomfortable. Or she may act up because she feels she’s not getting enough attention. So be sure that you’re not favoring your own child, that there are enough activities to keep your unaccompanied guest busy, and that she gets adequate attention when she’s behaving well.

“My toddler never wants to go out, not even to the playground. He’s perfectly content to stay in his room and play, but I get cabin fever from staying in all the time.”

Like adults, toddlers come in all temperaments and personalities. Though most jump up and down with excitement at the mere mention of an excursion, others could just as easily do without them—and an occasional child regularly resists leaving his own home (and his own toys) for the park, the playground, a friend’s house, or a trip to the mall or market.

Most stay-at-home behavior can be dealt with successfully if you figure out what it is about going out that a child objects to.

Change.
Some toddlers are temperamentally opposed to change. That doesn’t mean they’ll never be able to make any changes in life, but that they’ll need a little help with transitions. For example, instead of suddenly announcing at noon, “We’re going to the store now,” it’s better, with such a child, to start dropping hints right after breakfast (“Later on, we’ll be going to the store” . . . “Soon, we’ll go to the store” . . . “In five minutes, it’s time to go to the store”). This allows the child to get used to the idea that he’s going out long before the actual time of departure. (For more support for the child who dislikes changes, see page 246.)

The proposed destination.
Perhaps your toddler was frightened coming down a slick slide once, or he tumbled off a swing, and now he hesitates to go back to the playground. Or maybe he just isn’t into climbing, sliding, and swinging. If it’s the chosen destination that is causing your child to rebel, suggest some very different destinations, such as a museum, a zoo, a firehouse, or a playmate’s home instead. Try to gear the destination to his interests and you may get a better response. Or perhaps he is bored at the supermarket or the mall; if that’s the case, see tips for shopping with toddlers (page 238).

Separating from his toys and other belongings.
Whether it’s a well-used toy or a stuffed animal or a favorite comfort object your child is playing with, bringing it along on outings may make venturing outside less objectionable. If it’s not feasible to take along his plaything of the moment (you can’t pack an entire wooden train set in the stroller basket), help him to select another toy or book to take with him.

Outdoor play.
Some children enjoy the kinds of solitary activities they can indulge in at home (racing toy cars, drawing, doing puzzles) more than more active playground play. If that seems to be the case with your child, let him know that he can take his cars, or his sketch pad, or a puzzle along when he goes out, and that he doesn’t have to run around or play hard, unless he wants to. (Though, of course, it’s a good idea to try to entice him into some active play; see page 296.)

An overly busy schedule.
Some children don’t get enough time to spend at home—either they’re away from home much of the day (at the baby-sitter’s, at
day care), or they’re always being shuttled from one activity to another. While always being on the go suits some kids fine, others crave the comforts, quiet, and solitude of home. If this may be the case with your toddler, try to understand his need for “downtime”—and when possible, postpone outings after a particularly busy day or week.

Facing a fear.
If your toddler shows genuine fear or panic when you suggest an outing, it’s possible he’s had a bad experience of which you’re unaware. If he’s very verbal, you can ask him to tell you why he doesn’t want to go out. If not, you will have to do some sleuthing. Could it be he was frightened by a neighbor’s dog, or that he heard a story about someone being hurt by a car, or saw an automobile on fire? Check with any baby-sitters or caregivers (including relatives), and try to get to the bottom of the problem. If you can’t, you should talk to his pediatrician about it; a child therapist may be able to use play therapy to discover the object of your toddler’s fear.

None of the above.
Your toddler’s resistance to leaving home may be nothing more than normal toddler contrariness and desire for control. Using some winwin solutions (see page 125) may help you to get your toddler out without a parent-toddler struggle. You can try to coax or cajole him out of the house, using humor, song (“This is the way we go to the store, go to the store, go to the store”), even enticements (“If you like, we’ll stop and see the fire engines after we’re finished at the supermarket”). When he won’t willingly leave the house, and you have an urgent errand and no one else to stay with him, you may have no choice but to take him along against his will. Take a friendly but firm tone as you carry him out to the car or the stroller, and make an extra effort to include a stop you know he’ll enjoy in your itinerary.

While you’re trying to discover the cause of your child’s resistance to leaving the house, avoid criticizing or making fun of him or his homebody tendencies. Comments like “
All
of the other children love to play at the play-ground—why do you always want to stay at home?” are insensitive, can bruise his ego, and may even make him more determined to resist going out.

If he steadfastly refuses to go out at all or becomes upset or panicky when you insist on taking him along, discuss the problem with his doctor.

“Is it normal for a child to talk to herself? My daughter does it all day long.”

Everyone talks to themselves—it’s just that by adulthood, we have learned to do it silently, at least most of the time. Your toddler, just starting to formulate her thoughts into words, can do it more easily when she thinks aloud—just as a child first learning to read can comprehend what she’s reading better if she reads aloud. At this age, a toddler doesn’t necessarily know the difference between silent and verbalized thought.

Toddler monologues are also prompted by the drive to practice language skills and by the satisfaction these new talkers derive from hearing their own voices, a satisfaction that grows as their skills improve. And unlike adult monologues, they aren’t muted by self-consciousness: Toddlers care little what others may think. (We’d probably think out loud ourselves a lot more if we weren’t afraid that others would question our sanity.)

As your toddler becomes more verbally accomplished, she will begin to be
able to think silently more often—though she’ll probably continue to talk to herself, at least some of the time, through the preschool years, and if she’s like the rest of us, even occasionally after that. In the meantime, instead of fretting over her monologues, enjoy them.

“Our once-affectionate toddler now hates it when we kiss him—he pushes us away when we try. How come?”

Silken cheeks, tiny noses, downy heads of hair, pudgy fingers and toes—they all cry out to be kissed. So naturally, when those kisses we can’t resist planting are summarily rejected, it’s more than a little disheartening. Especially when we’ve grown so used to having our smooches met with happy acceptance.

While far from every toddler turns his head away to avoid a kiss, many (more often boys), do. Spurning kisses may be a way to declare their separateness and independence. For some boys, refusing to kiss Mommy may even be a way of handling the strong and sort of scary attraction they feel toward her.

Don’t scold your toddler for rejecting your kisses, and don’t plead or beg for his. This approach may make him feel guilty but isn’t likely to win you the prize you seek. Get a kiss in now and then by chasing him, corralling him, and planting your lips anywhere you can manage to do so. If you keep the chase fun, your toddler will accept it in that spirit and probably even enjoy it (though he may never admit it). And bide your time. One of these days, he’s sure to start favoring you with his affection again.

Many toddlers resist any kind of confinement—even the friendly confinement of a parent’s hug. For best results, let your toddler tell you how much loving is “just right.”

“My daughter used to like being held when she was a baby, but now she wriggles away whenever I try to hug her. I’m beginning to feel rejected.”

Don’t take your toddler’s wriggling out of your arms personally. She isn’t rejecting you, she’s probably just rejecting having her physical freedom limited. Not only do frequent hugs (and strollers, car seats, and high chairs) cramp a toddler’s very active style, but they compromise her precious control and autonomy.

But just because your child seems not to welcome your physical affection as much as she once did doesn’t mean she doesn’t need it. Instead of turning it off entirely, try altering the way you show your love to fit your toddler’s present needs:

Try a light touch . . .
While many toddlers (especially touch-sensitive toddlers, who were probably not very accepting of physical affection even as babies; see page 202) will resist a smothering bear hug, they may be more amenable to a quick and gentle embrace, a shoulder squeeze, or a soft stroke on the cheek—displays of affection that don’t limit their mobility or independence.

. . . or a “macho” one.
Some especially active toddlers find hugging too “mushy.” Tickling, wrestling, and slapping a high-five are types of physical contact more up their alley.

Time hugs well.
A toddler will often be more open to a parent’s open arms before and after a nap, at bedtime, and when she’s taken a fall (but don’t over-react just to get your hugs in) or is otherwise feeling vulnerable. Take advantage of such opportunities to flex your hugging muscles; establishing a regular story-and-cuddle time after her bath, for instance, will likely prove satisfying to both of you.

Follow her cues.
Let your toddler clue you in to when she’s receptive to a hug and when she wants to be released from one. If she knows she won’t be imprisoned in your arms any longer than she wishes, she’s less likely to reject a hug in the first place.

Don’t give up trying. Even if your toddler isn’t huggable right now, she’s likely glad that you care enough to offer. Most hug-shy toddlers eventually revert to their cuddly selves (albeit with a bit of grown-up dignity). But a few—usually those who are touch-sensitive—will continue to be less amenable to frequent embraces. If your child rejects all physical contact, you might feel better if you talk to her doctor about it.

“Sometimes, when my son is sitting in my lap, he takes my face in his hands in what promises to be a loving gesture, and then starts slapping my cheeks—hard! Is this some kind of love-hate thing?”

Toddlers are masters of mixed feelings. They ambivalently straddle the line between confidence and insecurity, independence and dependence, wishful omnipotence and helplessness. So it’s not surprising that these mixed feelings sometimes surface in the kind of conflicted behavior you’re describing.

Don’t be concerned by these love “pats”—they’re a way of touching, an important form of toddler communication and exploration, and part of a phase that will pass as your toddler starts to smooth out some of that inner confusion. But don’t hesitate to stop your toddler if the pats get out of control. Calmly remove his hands, hold them, and tell him simply “Please don’t hit me. That hurts.” Then use his hands to stroke your cheeks gently, and say, “See, this is what I like.” If that doesn’t work, find something else for him to do with his hands—pull out a puzzle, a shape-sorter, some clay. Keep a squishy ball, a small toy, a doll, or a stuffed animal in your tote bag to hand him when he tries these overly enthusiastic love pats while you’re out of the house.