Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (125 page)
Allow her to eat and run. When she’s finished with her meal, let her leave the table. (But don’t allow her to leave the table with food. Done separately, eating and running are fine; eating
while
running is unsafe.)
Save your dinner until later. Sometimes, the problem isn’t with the toddler, it’s with the dinner hour. Toddlers get hungry a lot earlier than adults do. So try feeding yours earlier, and keeping her company while she eats (munch on some vegetables and dip to take the edge off) so she doesn’t feel she’s eating alone. Then wait until she’s busy playing, or
better still, in bed, before you turn to the adult dinner. Your food will stay hotter, your stomach calmer, and as an additional bonus, you’ll have the chance to dine—and unwind.
If she skips meals or eats very little of them, make sure she’s getting snacks in between. But don’t overdo it: Snacks too close to mealtime can sabotage appetite, leaving very little chance for improving dinner table decorum.
HE “GIMMES”
“Lately, every time we go into a store my son starts whining for me to buy him something. I don’t think we spoil him, but he’s certainly got a terrible case of the ‘gimmes.’”
You can’t always get what you want—but that doesn’t keep most toddlers from trying. While the “gimmes” are not universal among toddlers, they are very common. Like the pack-rat syndrome, they seem to stem from the need to accumulate possessions in order to bolster self-importance.
Whether these narcissistic impulses (“I want it, I’m worth it, I should have it”), will run their normal course in toddlerhood or develop into an unhealthy greediness and preoccupation with material possessions and the mistaken belief that happiness comes from these rather than from within, will depend in large part on how they are handled now. The following may help you raise a child who can keep possessions in perspective:
Recognize that you can’t buy love. Buying whatever your toddler wants will not win any additional affection in the long run, but it can breed greed. Nor can gifts replace other kinds of attention. The children who feel most loved (and are the happiest) aren’t the ones who receive the most gifts, but the ones who receive the most attention and respect. Give warm hugs, not “cool” presents, to show that you care.
Don’t give in to the “gimmes.” You won’t make your toddler happier by buying him everything he asks for. In fact, if the gifts are standing in for your time and attention, you may achieve just the opposite effect. Even young children know, deep down, when they’re being bought.
Don’t feel guilty about not giving in. Even though he may complain and call you “mean,” you’re doing what’s best for your toddler—preparing him for the real world, where none of us gets everything we want. You’re also helping to preserve the excitement of “special” occasions. If every day is gift day, pretty soon kids start expecting can-you-top-this gift-giving binges on birthdays and holidays, and never truly appreciate any gift they get.
Make an effort to teach your child the joy of giving, so that he will learn to associate gifts with giving as well as receiving (see page 212).
Limit his opportunities. When possible, shop when he’s in preschool, at a play date, or when he’s with your spouse, another adult, or a sitter. When you have to take him along, try to do so when he’s not tired, hungry, overstimulated, cranky. Explain before you go into a store that you’re going in for shoes, or mittens, or a new toaster, and that’s all you’ll have time to look at. Don’t say you’re not buying toys, because on the outside chance he hasn’t thought of it, you’ll be putting ideas in his head. And keep him occupied by allowing him to help with the project at hand.
Don’t give in to a “gimme” tantrum; treat it as you would treat any other show of temper (see page 339).
Once in a while, buy a “little something” that’s truly a surprise, and that hasn’t been asked for.
TALKING TO YOUR TODDLER AT TWO
All those months of one-sided conversations have paid off. By their second birthdays, most toddlers are talking back to their parents. How much they’re talking back depends on the toddler. The average two-year-old has a verbal repertoire of about 200 words, but that’s an average that takes into account those who have acquired just a couple of dozen and those who have mastered 500 or more. Some two-year-olds have been combining words to form sophisticated sentences for months, others are just beginning to link theirs into simple phrases. Verbal ability usually burgeons in the third year, with those who were lagging behind often starting to catch up to those who were racing ahead, and with vocabularies multiplying at mind-spinning speed; by the third birthday, the average toddler has 1,000 words to call upon.
At this age, as earlier, talking to your toddler is the best way to get your toddler talking. Though most parents naturally do a pretty good job of promoting their toddler’s verbal progress, these suggestions can further foster conversation:
Put words in your toddler’s mouth.
Build on what your toddler says, and your toddler will soon be saying more. When he or she offers, “That building big,” add, “It’s a big building and it’s a tall building. Look how high up into the sky it reaches.”
Be specific.
State your observations as clearly as possible. When you want to show your toddler a cat that’s scampering up a tree, don’t just say, “Look!” Say “Look! I see a white cat running up that big tree. Maybe he’s chasing a bird.”
Get descriptive.
Color your toddler’s world with adjectives. Don’t just say, “There’s a dog.” Say, “There’s a little brown dog with shaggy fur. He’s wearing a pretty red collar.”
Get a little more complicated.
While it was wise to keep your sentences as simple as possible when your toddler was younger, it’s time now to start challenging him or her to sort out the meanings of more complex sentences (“We’re going to the park with Annie’s brother Nelson”), two- or three-part directions (“Please pick up that teddy bear and put it on your bed with the others”), irregular verbs (“When we
went
to the shoe store . . .”), and pronouns. But continue to speak distinctly and audibly, and be prepared to repeat what your toddler doesn’t follow the first time around.
Carry on with the conversations.
Even if your toddler’s not using sentences yet, he or she can follow, add to, and eventually, participate fully in conversations with you. Make a point of discussing events that have just taken place, that are currently taking place, or that are going to take place. On the way home from the playground, talk about the adventure: “Remember the sand castle you made in the sandbox?” . . . “That was a pretty blue bird you saw having a bath in a puddle.” At lunch, talk about the fun your toddler had at that morning’s play date, and the nature collage you’re going to make together in the afternoon. While waiting for the bus, talk about the people in the cars, where they come from and where they’re going. Though your toddler’s contributions may be limited to one or two words at first, you’ll find it won’t be long before he or she is holding up the other end of the conversation.
Keep asking.
Asking your toddler questions remains a very effective way of building verbal skills. Ask questions that challenge (but don’t frustrate) your toddler’s vocabulary, rather than ones that require only a “yes” or “no” answer: “What do you think that squirrel is doing?” or “Why do you think that baby is laughing?”
Keep reading.
Reading teaches a toddler a great deal about language—and it’s fun, too. See page 101.
Play word games.
It’s too soon for Scrabble, but it’s just the right time for playing “What’s That?” The rules are simple: While you’re reading a picture book, stop periodically and challenge your toddler to identify specific objects on the page you’re reading. Don’t stop so often that you break the flow of the story. When your toddler gets stuck or gives an incorrect response, offer assistance, not criticism (“That animal is a zebra. It has four feet and a tail just like a horse, but it has black stripes—see?”). Or play “What’s She Doing?” What is the baby in the cradle doing? Or the dog with a bone? Or try “What happens next?”—encourage your toddler to guess where the plot’s heading before you turn the page. (If your toddler’s stumped, offer a few suggestions: “Do you think the train will make it up the mountain? Or do you think the train will get tired and stop?”) Another game that will get your toddler talking is the “In/Out, Up/Down, On/Under” game—in which players use a small toy and a shoe box or carton to demonstrate in-out-up-down-on-under and call out the toy’s location. (“The ball was
on
the box. Now it’s
under
the box.”)
Introduce the ABC’s . . .
So that the alphabet won’t be a stranger when the process of learning to read begins, and to help pronunciation, sing the alphabet song, read alphabet picture books (start with those that use words your toddler knows; “A is for apple” is better at this age than “A is for antelope”), put your toddler’s name up on his or her door and begin looking together for other words that begin with the same letter (“M is for Max, but it’s also for Mommy, and merry-go-round, and milk.”) But don’t be an alphabet-pusher. Let your toddler’s own interest (or lack of it) in letters be your guide.
. . . but hold off on the grammar lessons.
Your toddler will learn lots more about proper grammar from hearing your speech than from having his or hers critiqued. Follow the rules yourself, but don’t impose them on your toddler. For now, just let the words flow naturally—mistakes and all.