What Love Looks Like (9 page)

9

 
The
day after the ceremony, Maureen and I were nursing wicked hangovers. Penny was
out of the office, so our productivity was well below where it should have been.
The events at the end of the night before were fuzzy, but it dawned on me that
I’d completely neglected Jay, somewhere in the commotion of getting home. We’d
exchanged texts back and forth, but I passed out before saying goodnight. I
checked my messages and noticed that he hadn’t written me either, so my guilt
switched over to mild irritation; I’d been wasted for the first time in
ages—what was his excuse? It only added to my concern over how casual our
relationship had become.

The final days
leading up to New York blurred together; it felt as if time were flying yet
simultaneously standing still. One day meshed into the next with no real break
to collect my thoughts about my impending travels. Luckily, I’d gotten the time
off work with no problem. I had no choice but to lie on my request-off sheet.
If Penny had known that I was going out of town to visit a gorgeous man that
I’d only just met and was having a whirlwind romance with, she certainly would
have denied my request out of sheer envy. It was Maureen’s idea to claim that I
was having a minor surgical procedure and would need a three-day weekend to
recover. Request granted.

I spent a small
fortune on new dresses and shoes. I couldn’t look anything less than
spectacular for Jay. We’d have three days together, and I had to look my best
at every turn. It was unquestionable that he’d be looking as hot as ever, and I
had to measure up as best I possibly could. I spent hundreds of dollars on spa
services too. I had to be smooth, flawless, and free of excess body hair.

Not only
had I put an obscene amount of money on my credit card, I'd also spent hours on
end trying on every frock, jumpsuit, romper, skirt, caftan, and blazer in my
closet. To be fair, though, I did that before every trip. I couldn’t go
somewhere without trying on the clothes I planned to wear first. I hated over
packing and didn't want to look too high maintenance by bringing too many
outfits (a little high maintenance was acceptable, but having backup outfits
for every single day and night was bordering on insanity, and I couldn’t have
Jay seeing all of my idiosyncrasies just yet).

I never failed
to struggle with sleep the night before any exciting event (like Christmas or
girls’ trips back in college), but before leaving for New York I tossed and
turned like never before. A hybrid of excitement and terror filled every fissure
of my brain. This time would be the real deal—the litmus test. It was my
third encounter with Jay and would include two nights, three days, and
hopefully lots and lots of Jay Conrad's delicious body all over mine.

My flight out of
Columbus International Airport departed in the late morning. After a blowout at
Drybar, I changed into my jet-setting outfit: black J. Crew leggings, an ivory
Alice & Olivia tunic, and black wedge booties. Shortly before ten thirty,
Luna and I ventured downstairs. Emily was picking us up to take me to the
airport and would take the dog to my parents’ house for the weekend.

“Hey,” Emily
said, as I opened her car door to pass off Luna.

“Hi, Em.” I was
on autopilot. I popped my luggage into her trunk and hopped into her front
seat. “Thanks again for taking me.”

“No problem. Are
you excited?”

“Yes, but
nervous too.”

“Why are you
nervous?” she asked.

“You just have
to know Jay. He’s intimidating. His hotness is off-putting.”

“You’re out of
your mind.” I didn’t know where she was going after that slightly offensive
remark. “You need to take him off the pedestal and put yourself on it instead.”
It was an eye-opening insight from my younger sister. It was easier for her to
feel that way than it was for me, though; she’d always been someone who guys
fawned over.

“I know, I
know.” But I had no desire to discuss it any further. “How’s Mom?”

“Good, but she’s
still bitching about how you never come over. Says your job is bullshit.”

“Well, she’s
right about that. It’s taking over my life. It’s a miracle that I got these
three days off in a row.”

“You can’t keep
this up forever, Elle,” Emily said. “You’ll burn out.”

“Just a little
while longer.”

“And then
what?”
 

I didn’t have an
answer, but Emily had posed a thought-provoking question. What
was
next? I knew I couldn’t spend the
rest of my life working six out of seven days every week at a job that I hated.
I wasn’t getting any younger, and in all of my excitement surrounding Jay, I’d put
my future career aspirations on the backburner.

Sitting
in the terminal, I couldn’t help but notice how lean I’d gotten from all the
hours I’d spent running. With a few less pounds on my frame, I was thrilled at
the thought of meeting Jay’s eyes.
Jay’s
eyes.
I couldn’t wait to see them. He was just a plane ride away, and his
piercing green deep-set eyes were just were one of his many tantalizing
features that I couldn’t wait to immerse myself in. At last, my excitement
outweighed my nerves; or maybe I was just getting hot and bothered knowing that
I was mere hours away from being in his arms.

I waited
impatiently as the passengers from Dallas/Fort Worth departed the Boeing 737
that I’d be boarding just a few minutes past the scheduled departure time. The
gate adviser informed those of us leaving for New York City that we’d have to
board quickly to arrive in New York on time, and I willed my fellow passengers
to heed her advice. This was one date I couldn’t be late for.

        
As
instructed, we boarded efficiently and were in the air within fifteen minutes
of entering the jetway. In my bulkhead seat I flipped through the pages of
Lolita
on my iPad. Despite the story's
pedophilic theme, its wistful prose got me out of my own head whenever I was
tense.
Lolita, light of my life. Fire of
my loins. My sin, my soul.
He was a man possessed with his beloved. I
related all too well to Professor Humbert's idealized image of the object of
his obsession.

While my body
was relaxed, my mind churned with visions of what the weekend held. I pictured
Jay and me wandering the streets of Manhattan, him pointing out the sights, me
hopefully looking very un-touristy. We’d sit at sidewalk cafes and drink
cappuccino in the mornings and spend the evenings at swanky bars sipping cocktails;
he’d sensually rub my back while we laughed wildly at private jokes. The image
of us hand in hand with the city as the backdrop was heavenly—so heavenly
that I drifted off into a dreamless nap until we hit the ground in New York.

Jay had instructed
me to get a cab and meet him at his apartment. He apologized for not being able
to get off work early enough to meet me at the airport, but I assured him that
it was fine. The last thing I wanted was to inconvenience him. I waited in the
long taxi line at LaGuardia and checked my e-mails for Jay’s address, near the
corner of Prince and Mercer in SoHo.

I’d only been to
the airport, but I already loved the feel of New York. I hadn’t been to the
city since high school, when my mother took Emily and me for a weekend of
Christmas shopping. Of course, back in those days, everything looked incredible
on Emily and just plain awkward on me. But the second time around, I knew I’d
love the city. Watching the people, I didn't see the brazenness New Yorkers
were famous for, but simply people trying to get from one place to another.

The cab driver
said we were only thirty minutes from Jay’s place, so I texted him to say I’d
be there soon. It was nearly four o’clock, which was his usual quitting time on
Friday afternoons. He replied with a smiley face that he’d see me shortly. I
touched up my makeup and chewed gum in the car, taking in the massiveness of my
surroundings. My nervousness had all but vanished, and vigor came over me
instead.

We drove past
NYU and through the streets of SoHo, which were swarming with diverse people,
young and middle-aged mostly. They peeked in and out of the endless shops,
galleries, bars, and specialty stores. It was a hip borough that had a shoddy
bar on one block and a Barney’s on the next. The diversity was refreshing. It
felt as if just about anyone could fit in there, even someone like me.

        
As
we headed east on Prince Street, I saw the vague outline of a slender,
golden-haired figure off in the distance. It was definitely Jay. My stomach
dropped at the sight of him. He'd left his white shirt untucked on purpose, and
his gorgeous hair was perfectly unkempt, just how I liked it. I rolled down my
window and waved to him as we drew nearer. A slight smile formed on his face,
but silver-rimmed aviators hid his eyes. He flicked away and then stomped on
what remained of a cigarette, then lifted his hand to greet me.

        
The
cab driver slowed down and told me what my fare was; I paid it, along with a
giant tip. I was feeling generous. Jay opened my door, and I leaped into his
arms. Of course, I scolded myself for my overzealousness. He laughed softly and
hugged me, shoving his tongue in my mouth and placing his hand firmly on my
rear. The kiss lasted at least thirty seconds and continued on as the cab
driver wheeled my luggage around to the curb. He cleared his throat and
attempted to give me change, which I told him to keep. Jay collected my
suitcase and carried it for me it as we walked through SoHo, hand in hand, just
as we’d done in my daydream.

10

“It’s really good to see you,” Jay said. “You
too.” I wondered if he shared my concerns that our conversations seem to have
waned in recent weeks.

“I figured we’d
grab a cocktail before we go to my place and change for dinner.” We started
walking.

“That sounds perfect.”
 

“I go to this
bar all the time,” he said. “You’ll like it.” We walked another block until we
turned into a tiny space with an all-white interior. White barstools, a white
bar top, and white sheer curtains hung to the ground—not only on the
windows but also everywhere I looked. It was inviting yet quintessentially
cool. I didn’t catch the name, but I liked the atmosphere. Jay instructed me to
take a seat at the bar. I did as he said, with my overnighter tucked safely
beneath my feet.

He wasn’t being
chatty, but maybe he was just anxious. After all, I was on his turf now. He was
the one who had to show me a good time. When the bartender came around, I
ordered a Sauvignon Blanc, and Jay asked for a Jack and Coke. I was relieved
that he wanted to go for drinks, since alcohol seemed to elevate our
experiences together, making them far more stimulating. It made me uninhibited
in his presence. I wanted to give him a weekend he wouldn’t forget, and come
Sunday, leave him wishing that I’d never gone.

Jay loosened up
with the first sips of his drink. We were “us” again the moment he placed his
hand on the small of my back and pulled me close for a wet, forceful kiss.

“So how was the
flight?” he asked.

“Not bad. I slept
for some of it.”

        
“Good,
I’m glad you rested. Because you’re going to need your energy.” He kissed me
again.

        
“Oh?
What do you have in store for tonight?”

        
“Later
on we’re meeting up with a few of my boys. But before that, I thought we might
spend a few hours in my bed, naked. I want to do things to that body I’ve been
thinking about ever since I last saw you.”

I felt the hairs
on my arms stand up, and my stomach fluttered. I blinked slowly and pursed my
lips together, and then finally took a sip of wine. Being in the city added a
layer of sex to everything.

“That sounds perfect.”
I leaned in for a kiss. It didn’t last long, though, since the bar was getting
crowded as people poured in after their workdays. “It’s getting busy here.”

        
“Everywhere
in New York is busy all the time.” He sipped his drink. “You’re going to like
it here a lot. You might not even want to go home. I might not want you to
either.”

        
I
couldn’t resist him for another moment. “Can we get out of here?” I asked.

        
“Absolutely.”

        
“Two
shots of Patron Silver, and then we’ll cash out,” he said to the bartender. A
moment later, we each shot our tequila; my throat was on fire as I did so. Jay
left fifty dollars on the bar and escorted me by the hand back out onto the
street.

 
As we walked, he curled me into his arms
amid the throngs of people headed in both directions. Suddenly, he backed me up
to the narrow brick wall separating one business from the next and made love to
my mouth again. Obviously, he was comfortable with public displays of affection.
And at that moment, so was I. It was New York, which translated to “anything
goes.” Because of the sheer number of people who lived there, it was easy to
feel anonymous. I felt high from Jay’s energy and the vitality of New York. I
was wet in between my legs, and warm everywhere else. My brain was swimming in
white wine and tequila, which, on an empty stomach, had gone to my head
quickly; the alcohol was also working synergistically with the high I was
getting from my surroundings.

Pushed against
the wall, I felt his throbbing erection pressed between his thighs, which sent
my libido into a tailspin. When he finally let up, ending the kiss and shifting
his pelvis from mine, he smiled wickedly and led me farther down the street and
into a nondescript white doorway. We hurried up to the second floor. An older
couple passed by us, probably visiting their son or daughter, since they didn’t
look the type to live in such a building. They eyed us. Our lust must have been
palpable, for their eyes seemed to disapprove of whatever it was they thought
we were doing. I couldn’t give them a second thought, though, because Jay
pulled me into his apartment, which wasn’t quite as small as I’d expected.

It was maybe
eight hundred square feet, but he’d maximized the space well. The walls were
entirely brick with some exposed pipes in the ceiling. The kitchen was built
into one narrow wall. The bedroom stuck out into the living room but was
partitioned by a bamboo screen. The apartment was masculine, even in its scent.
Traces of cologne combined with a sage and cigarette aroma. The place had the
same sexy quality Jay did.

He didn’t bother
giving me a tour—not that I really needed it since there was just the
main studio space. His lips were back on mine, ferociously moving all over the
place, his tongue thrusting wildly into mine. Grabbing my breasts over my top,
he grunted with primal pleasure. He paused briefly, his green eyes staring
directly into mine, before he smiled and lifted my tunic over my head. Standing
there in his kitchen, he tugged at my breasts, occasionally exposing one and
putting his mouth to it.

He led me to his
unmade bed, which was smaller than I’d anticipated. I took the few seconds I
had to remove my shoes, socks, and leggings on my own. I stood back up and
unbuttoned his shirt, exposing his chiseled chest and admiring his streamlined
shape.

“This is going
to feel good, baby, I promise,” he said.

“I can’t wait.”

He smiled,
unbuttoning his pants and then pushing me flat onto his bed. I was in only my
undergarments. He knelt over me, just tracing his fingers on my stomach.

“You’re so hot,”
he said.

He reached
around my back and unhooked my bra, immediately scooping my breasts again into
both hands and teasing them until the nipples hardened. I’d never cared much
for foreplay when it came to my chest, but there was a direct and proportionate
reaction between my legs when Jay fondled my breasts. I was so ready for him to
be inside me.

He was lying on
me, and his body felt cool and firm. His face was glued to mine as he kissed me
hungrily. With one hand remaining on my breast, he reached down to my inner
thigh, tickling it gently. I was on the edge of elation, and he hadn’t even
penetrated me yet. First he rubbed his hand over my underwear. “You’re so
warm,” he said, fondling every inch of my hips and thighs. As dirty talk had
never been my forte, all I could do was moan with pleasure.

He moved my
underwear to the side, and massaged me precisely with his finger from top to
bottom. “And wet. You’re so hot,” he whispered again.

“So are you. Can
you fuck me now? I’m dying here.”

He smiled. “Not
yet, I want to go down on you first.”

My breath
deepened, and my mouth fell open at the suggestion.

Jay grabbed a
pillow and placed it underneath me so my hips were a few inches higher than the
rest of my body. Once he removed what remained of my undergarments, every inch
of me was exposed and completely under his control. He lifted me up from under
my thighs, raising me even higher. I could see everything perfectly, since it
wasn’t even dusk yet and light streamed through the windows. It was noisy
outside, but I didn’t mind terribly. I could hear the hustle and bustle, but it
only added to the thrill of the experience. I was completely seduced by a man I
utterly adored while the world went on beneath us. And I would have three days
of him having his way with me.

Finally, after
alternating between blowing on me and gently toying with me with the tips of
his fingers, his mouth launched a full-on assault between my thighs. I felt as
if every inch of me was inside his mouth. His tongue was tangled up inside of
me, and because I was so taut, so exposed because of how he'd positioned me, I
didn’t know how I could possibly hold back more than a minute or two. My back
was arched from the pillow beneath me, so my pelvis was pointed up at his face.
He just kept pulling me in closer, burying his head in me as his tongue coaxed
me into satisfaction.

Finally, he
dropped one of my legs and propelled one finger inside of me, and the rest of
them added to the pleasure that his tongue was already delivering. All at once,
I could barely hold back and wanted to finish all over him.

“It feels so
good,” I whispered.

“Come for me.”

“I don’t want it
to be over!” I squealed. He laughed a little, and kept on bludgeoning me with
his fingers and mouth. As he lifted me just a touch higher, I felt myself reach
the point of no return. “Oh my God.” My breath grew even deeper. “Here it
comes!” I whimpered with fulfillment as he continued to hammer into me until
every last ounce of pleasure in me was spent. I was done.

He lowered me
but kept the pillow in place. He hoisted himself up, wiped his mouth, and
smiled at me like a child with an ice cream cone.

“How was that?”
he asked.

“You have no
idea. It was mind-blowing.”

“I’m glad you
enjoyed it.” He lowered himself over me, coming down onto his forearms, and
before I knew what was coming, he thrust himself into me, bringing feelings of
ecstasy I didn’t know I had left. He lifted my leg again as he forced himself
in and out of me. Now he was the one in ecstasy. I grabbed him by the rear end,
coercing him to move in and out even harder, even faster.

Midway through,
he instructed me to get on my hands and knees. As he positioned himself behind
me, I braced myself for what was to come. Penetrating me from behind, he went
even deeper, sending me screaming. The pleasure was so intense that it almost
felt like pain. He grabbed my hands, forcing my head to fall into the mattress.
I was at his mercy. His rhythm was regular, and his thrusts never faltered. As
he moved, he moaned, calling out my name. As he finished, he screamed my name
even louder, and in some insane way it made me feel exceptional. He could have
anyone he wanted, and yet there
I
was, making love to him, while he called my name out loud.

Wiping his brow,
he sighed and toppled over next to me, still mildly erect. We were twisted in
his sheets; our limbs sprawled in every direction. After a few moments of
silence, I reached for him, and he pulled me closer. He kissed my earlobe and
stroked my hair several times.

“You were so
hot,” he said.

“You did all the
work.”

He laughed.
“Well, you took it like a champ. We have
all
weekend for more of that. For now, let’s just rest.” I closed my eyes at
his command. I wasn’t necessarily tired, but I would have done anything he
asked me to.

I did fall
asleep, though, and when I awoke I was blissfully unaware of where I was for
the first few seconds. All I knew was that I felt complete and satisfied. My
anxieties about where our affair was headed now seemed in the past. We were
perfect together. In Jay's presence, I felt divine once again, and I wrote off
our previous struggle to talk to one another as a figment of my imagination.
Like they always did, my self-created fears had just gotten in my way.

I glanced over
at the clock on the nightstand: 7:42 p.m. I’d slept for almost an hour. Jay was
on the other side of the bed, lying flat on his back, a limb in every
direction. I was taking up a tiny corner, curled in the fetal position. I
wished that I’d fallen asleep in his arms, but there was plenty of time for
spooning in the nights to come. The sheets were a disaster, and our clothes
were strewn about as if an act of domestic violence had taken place.

It was only our second
time sleeping together, but it appeared we had very few kinks to work out when
it came to sex. My mind felt full and satisfied. So did my female parts, for
that matter. I stretched my body and heard my stomach grumble loudly. With the
sound, Jay awoke. He instinctively rolled over to face me and placed his hand
directly on my belly.

“You hungry?” he
asked groggily.

I nodded. I
hadn’t eaten all day, though my appetite momentarily subsided when I looked at
Jay’s disheveled hair, spread down onto his forehead. His stomach was concave,
with not an ounce of fat anywhere on him. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen his body
before. But every time I saw it, I swooned all over again. I gently propped
myself up against his headboard, which backed up to a wall of exposed brick. I
took a minute to really look around at the apartment for the first time.
Nothing hung on any of the walls. It felt industrial, modern, and masculine.

“Dinner
reservations aren’t until ten. Can you wait a little longer?” he said.

I was starving.
I hadn’t eaten since the day before, apart from a few pretzels on the plane. I
was a little frustrated that he was asking me to wait another two hours before
getting food into my stomach.