What Goes Around... (28 page)

‘Come through.’

She skips up to go to the room but, when she gets to the door, she turns around. ‘Gloria, aren’t you coming in?’

It never entered my head.

I promise you – I am not meddling.

‘You’ll be fine!’ I give her a smile but her eyes are filling up – she’s an anxious little thing and I guess her mum always went in with her.

‘Come through, Gloria.’ Noel says.

He doesn’t look at me again though and he certainly doesn’t look at Daisy.

Well, not at first.

Lucy

‘Jesus, Lucy!’

Ricky is furious as he looks at my roots and I can’t blame him. I did a home dye that one time but, apart from that, it hasn’t been touched since before the funeral. I tell him to be careful because it’s still a bit tender where I seemingly landed on my head and he’s a bit nicer then. He gets me a coffee before he starts but, even though he tries to avoid it, there’s still a sting as the peroxide trickles there, but I’ll live.

I’ll live.

It’s almost a decision sometimes.

An actual choice you make.

It took a couple of weeks but the tablets seem to be helping and Denise, the grief counsellor is nice, she just sits and listens as I pour out my anger about his cheating, about all he left me to deal with. It helps, I think, but I still think there’s more I need.

More that I don’t know.

More that I’m scared to find out.

I flick through a magazine. There’
s an article about Sara Michelle Gellar and I think about him in the ground and I try to shove that thought aside.

I can’t watch Buffy anymore, it just freaks me out.

I can’t think about dying.

So, I give in with the magazine and just stare at my face instead. I’ve lost a couple of pounds since I fell but I could use about thirty-two more.

‘I’m thinking of joining a slimming club,’ I tell Ricky.

Normally he’d laugh and tell me I’m being ridiculous, that I look “amaaaazing”

‘You should,’ he says and I nearly take the scissors from the bench and stab him in the leg but instead I actually manage to laugh.

‘So you’re working?’ He chats a little as he snips away and I tell him about the supermarket and that I can’t believe it, but I actually like it. Oh, I hated it those first few days, but I actually like it now. I can’t tell you how hard it was to pull on that shirt the Tuesday after I got out of hospital, I felt sick and was all shaky, but I did it.

Mum stayed for a full week, we had lots of talks, and she’s a bit mental too, she says. God, Mum just doesn’t care what she tells – that was why she used to drink, she told me. It just stopped her thoughts.

‘And now?’

‘I just go to my meetings…’ she smiled. ‘Phone a friend,’ she laughed. ‘And keep on taking the tablets.’

She even had a couple of her elves come over and they sorted out the house and garden and I’ve re-started my online shopping and now I’m sort of back into my routines.

I feel safer with them, I guess.

‘So, who looks after Charlotte?’

‘Well, my neighbour drives her to school if I’m on in the morning, or a woman over the road – Simone,’ I say and he nods, because Ricky knows everyone. ‘If I’m on in the afternoon she brings her home…’ I feel a bit guilty about that but I’m back by five, so Charlotte’s only on her own for a couple of hours. She just sits on Twitter and Facebook. There’s no choice. Mum’s too far away and really, though I am grateful to her for her help, I just can’t suddenly forgive her.

I want to.

The same way I want Charlotte to forgive me.

I can say that I have (which I have), I can act like I have (which I do) but there’s a part of me that simply hasn’t forgiven her.

Even if I wish it would.

Yes, given what happened, I should be more understanding.

Yes, I get your point.

But can you try and get mine?

I did it
once
.

Terrible as it was, as appalling as it was, as ashamed of myself as I am, I did it once.

It used to be my life.

Finding her unconscious, not finding her sometimes, just not knowing where she was. Ambulances, foster homes, temporary placements and rehab, followed by reunification plans and promises that she simply did not keep.

‘What will you do for the summer holidays?’

I don’t know, I think
, but I don’t answer.

‘How is Charlotte doing?’

‘I don’t know,’ this time I do answer.

I see his scissors pause, it’s as if he feels my sudden tension. ‘She’s just…’ I don’t know if she’s grieving or if it’s hormones or a mixture. I don’t know if she’s still angry
with me, I don’t know. We’re not so close anymore, it’s like I’ve lost my little girl and I don’t know if I’m going to get her back. She’s twelve now. Maybe she’s just growing up, but I miss her, I can’t tell you how much.

‘Give her time,
’ Ricky says and I nod because I can’t speak, I’m scared I’ll start crying. He seems to know that because he goes and gets me another coffee and then he gets back to work on my hair but in silence this time, for which, I’m grateful.

‘Look at you!’ Ricky beams as he holds up the mirror. ‘Back to being a natural blonde!’

I feel better, I feel better, I feel better.

I go over to pay him but he waves me away. ‘On the house.’

He gives me a cuddle and I love Ricky, I love him.

H
e gave me a free hairdo some years ago.

I’d been seeing him regularly for
about a year and then I hadn’t gone in for ages. I’d had Charlotte and my marriage was on skid row. I knew he was cheating and I’d threatened to leave but I didn’t. I wanted my marriage to work, so I came to see Ricky instead and he painted me blonde again and told me about a Pilate’s class that had a crèche. That’s where I met Jess and somehow slid into village life.

I’m sliding slowly back into it now, only I don’t want to be how I was.

I want to be me.

Dr Patel was right - there’s a meeting in a hall around the corner from me. I’ve been going now for four weeks and do you know what?

I like it.

Beryl has this huge cardboard cut-out of herself and my God, you should have seen the size of her! She was massive; Gloria massive, I mean
, and then I stop myself.

I just stop my bitchy thoughts sometimes.

‘Do I want that piece of cake?’ Beryl says holding court over all of us. ‘Yes, Beryl, I do.’ She looks around the room. She does this the whole meeting, she talks to herself and answers herself and she’s as mad as a box of frogs but I like her. ‘Do you want to take the dog for a walk, Beryl? No, Beryl, I don’t. Well you can’t have the cake then, Beryl.’

It works for me.

Do you want that glass of wine, Lucy? Actually yes, I do.

Do you want to do fifty sit ups first and then you can have it.

Err, no, because I’m so bloody tired that we might just ring out for pizza.

But you had pizza last week, didn’t you Lucy?

Yes.

And you can’t walk the dog because you don’t have one.

It works with other things too.

Are you upset that Charlotte didn’t notice
your new hair cut?

A little bit.

Okay, quite a bit.

Who’s the adult here?

Tell you what Lucy, I say to my sulking self. Why don’t you suggest that you watch a movie together tonight?

You know what, Lucy – that’s a good idea.

I’m mad, I realise as I microwave a low calorie meal for me and make pasta and salad for Charlotte, but you know what? I like it.

‘Ready?’ Gloria smiles to Charlotte and not to me.

‘Thanks so much for this,
’ I say, and I really mean it. It's still terribly awkward between us, we’re never going to be friends, and I accept that.

Regretfully, I accept that.

She looks really well - Gloria's lost more weight.

‘We shouldn't be too long,’ Gloria says
. ‘At least I hope not – I’ve got Daisy today.’

‘Oh!’
I didn't think Daisy was a problem any more, I thought Eleanor and Noel were back together, but perhaps I've misunderstood.

‘Eleanor’s got a job interview today and Daisy is teething and really crabby…’

‘That’s not like her.’ I hesitate, I’m not sure if it's my place to offer, I’m not sure that she would trust me to look after her, but Gloria’s done so much for me and I do adore Daisy. ‘Do you want me to look after her?’

‘Are you sure you don't mind?’ Gloria checks. ‘She gets all upset there, because Noel’s working and he can’t give her a cuddle. It would really help.’

‘I'd love to,’ I say.  Actually I would love to, because Luke’s coming around and all distractions are welcome. I go to the car and I help Gloria unload.

‘I should have thought of this,’ I apologise. ‘You dragging the pushchair and baby and bags - next time just leave her with me.’

She gives a short nod - sometimes it's strained, sometimes we are like vague friends or two polite women, sometimes it's impossible, not just for me but for her. I know that, because there are times when she doesn’t bring Charlotte to the door, just drops her off and drives away - it just is what it is, I guess.

So, I’ve got a baby in my home and I haven’t had one of them for a very long time.

‘You're not crabby at all,’ I say to Daisy as I bounce her on my lap. Her little fat legs buckle as she stands on my lap. She really is gorgeous, she’s got these honey coloured ringlets that have just a little bit of red and this smile that just makes you smile. You simply cannot fail to love her.

Charlotte told me what happened.

Noel never used to look at Daisy at her dental visits. Charlotte’s a shrewd little thing – she notices things that others wouldn’t. Anyway, she was having her teeth done and Daisy started to sing and to laugh and it just got louder and louder and then, when Charlotte’s fitting was done, Noel asked Gloria if he could hold Daisy.

‘He started crying
, Mum!’ Charlotte was incredulous when she told me. ‘He must be forty and he’s a dentist and he started crying!’

You have to cry or smile when you
’re holding Daisy. She’s singing away and I lose myself in her for a good twenty minutes. We’re just playing and singing and laughing, so much so that I forget to be nervous that Luke’s coming and I am smiling and relaxed with Daisy on my hip when I open the door.

He gives a tight smile.

‘Cute!’ Luke says as he takes a seat at the table. ‘Something else you didn't tell me?’

It's a joke, but we're not very good at joking
, so I offer him a coffee and he says the inevitable no, that he's in a rush. He just needs a couple of signatures and some of my payslips.

‘Who’d have thought!’ H
e looks at the package I've handed him. ‘Lucy working.’

‘I actually enjoy it,
’ I admit.

‘You’ve do
ne well.’  It's the first compliment he has ever given me. ‘Things are in a lot better shape now,’ Luke says and he runs a hand over his forehead. I can see that he's tired and strained and that he doesn’t want to be here and I know what’s coming. ‘The thing is, Lucy…’ I save him from having to resign from my life - I know he's been doing it out of a sense of duty to him and as a favour to Jess.

‘I was
actually going to see my lawyer,’ I interrupt. ‘Just for the last bit - once the mortgage comes in and everything and to pay the girls.’

‘It would p
robably be wiser,’ Luke says. ‘I’m really snowed under at work at the moment.’

‘I completely understand. You've done way more than enough.’

‘Still, call if there are any problems.’ He puts all the forms in his briefcase and stands.

‘I’ll tell Jess,’ I smile, because I tell Jess everything – well, not quite everything.

I pull Daisy in a bit closer, glad to have her there to hold onto as, for the last time, he leaves. I know it's not the last time I'll see him – I mean he’ll be here with Jess to see Charlotte, but he’s excused himself now and the paperwork's all over and done with. I know nothing happened, I know it never would - Luke doesn't even like me. I just want him out of my head, I just want away from the guilt of my thoughts.

‘I still don’t get it…’ I say. We are at the door when I speak. ‘I don’t know why he changed his insurance and things
.’ It doesn’t matter as much now, I just want to pay the money and be done. ‘I just wonder sometimes.’

‘He told me why.’