What Endures (12 page)

As for herself, she would too. Eventually. For now, she was thankful for how numb she felt. Feelings were good, but they were so damn exhausting at times that it was nice to feel nothing at all for once.

After that brutal confrontation with Jason, followed by a day of relentless crying, Megan knew she needed a change. She became a whirlwind of activity. Plans were put in place, arrangements were made and decisions were carried out. In the span of a week, she had accomplished what would normally take a month, or more, for most people. She was pretty much set. All that was left now were the small, minor details.

One of those details was to go see Jason. Neither of them, she knew, needed another ugly confrontation, but this visit couldn’t be avoided, or put off any longer.

Can’t be avoided
, she silently repeated to herself as she rushed inside the hotel. She was running late. Her meeting with Sean had taken a bit longer than she had anticipated, and now she barely had enough time to grab a quick change of clothes before she headed over to see Jason. His PT session had ended hours earlier, which meant that he would have had plenty of time to rest. And thus, be in a somewhat agreeable frame of mind.

While Tyler had said that Jason wasn’t ‘acting out,’ she also knew that Jason always had a volatile personality. Where this drove most people crazy, she found it an interesting challenge. She never knew how he was going to react. But she knew that fatigue, hunger or stress tended to push him into irrational anger territory much quicker.

She sighed. She was trying, but there were still moments, less frequent lately, but still, there were moments when she found herself thinking of him and realizing how well she had known him. But she was getting better at reminding herself that she really didn’t know him now at all.

He’s not the same
, she told herself.
It’s not the same
.

“Ms. Williams!

She waved at the front desk, but didn’t slow down. “I’m sorry! I’m running late. I’ll be back down soon to pick up my messages!”

“But-”

She rushed into a closing elevator and pressed the button for her floor. She was so wrapped up in running a list of things that she still needed to do in her head as she exited the elevator, that she didn’t notice the person standing by the door to her hotel suite until she almost bumped into them.

“Oh! I’m sor-” The apology died on her lips when she saw who it was. “Jason.”

“Hi,” he said softly.

He looked different. But in what way, she couldn’t place. He was in jeans and wore a blue T-shirt underneath a denim jacket. He was looking at her with an unreadable expression, but he clearly wasn’t angry. If anything, he seemed the opposite.

“W-what are you doing here?”

“Uh, the front desk said I should wait for you in the lobby but I snuck up here after I got them to tell me your room number.” He shrugged. “I didn’t feel like sitting around in public like that. It felt strange.”

She nodded, almost automatically because that seemed an appropriate response but her mind was still trying to process the fact that Jason was standing there, right outside her hotel suite. There was a certain surreal quality to it all, considering how they had left things.

“I, uh, I didn’t think you’d mind, I mean-”

“It’s fine,” she said, inserting her card key into the lock. “Do you want to come in? Actually, I’m glad that you’re here. Saves me a trip.”

“Thanks,” he murmured, following her inside. She threw her bag and keys onto the couch and made her way over to the mini-bar to retrieve a bottle of water. “You want some water or anything?” she called back to him.

“No, I’m fine,” he answered.

She grabbed one of the bottled waters and took a big sip. She was buying time, gathering her senses. She had planned on going to see him, but that was after she had rehearsed what she needed to say, what she needed to do. Rehearse how to act and how to react. She needed to know how to stay in control. She couldn’t afford to lose control around him anymore.

“You live here?” he asked quietly.

She shrugged. “Not really.” He looked at her and she avoided his eyes. “H-how’d you get here?”

Tyler dropped me off.” He smiled slightly. “He’s a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t tell me where the car keys were.”

“You aren’t supposed to drive.”

“Doctor’s orders?”

“Something like that,” she mumbled.

He studied her for a few seconds. “Was the accident my fault?”

“What? No. It was one of those things, you know? It had rained and you hit a slick spot and the-” She stopped abruptly. She hadn’t witnessed his accident, but the police had told her what had happened and ever since, she had had the horrifying image in her mind. Now, every time she thought about his accident, that image would inevitably pop into her head.

“One of those things huh?”

“Fate can be a bitch,” she said without a trace of irony in her voice.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, as an awkward silence descended between them. She took another swig from her water bottle. “I’m an asshole.”

She choked on a mouthful of water. “W-what?” she squeaked out when she had gotten the coughing under control.

“I’m an asshole,” he repeated. His expression was completely serious.

“Jason -”

“And hotheaded, and idiotic and -”

“Stop,” she said softly, holding up a hand. “Please?”

He shook his head. “That, uh. . .fight of ours, it went too far, Megan. Because of me.” He sighed, looking down at the carpet for a beat before he looked up and met her eyes. She saw such remorse emanating from his green eyes that her traitorous heart lurched.

Control
, she told herself.
Stay in control.

“All those things I said. . .I was really mad. I didn’t mean to be so. . .” He exhaled deeply. “I shouldn’t have said it. I don’t know anything about our marriage, or us, or much of anything really, so I shouldn’t have called it stupid or belittled it.”

She sucked in a shaky breath. He looked so sad, so deeply troubled by their argument that she felt sympathy well up inside of her. “Jason. . .”

“I was thrown about us. I mean really thrown.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

She bit her lip. Hard. Because she could feel the tears forming. And she was tired of crying. She was supposed to be numb! So why was she feeling all these emotions again?

“You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I hurt you,” he said quietly.

“You didn’t.” she denied. “This is. . .it’s nobody’s fault.”

He looked at her uncertainly. “So, we’re O.K.?”

She wanted to say ‘yes.’ But that would be lying and she couldn’t lie to him anymore. Besides, she was a terrible liar. “We’re uh. . .” She cleared her throat. “It’s fine.”

“Megan-”

“Actually you know what?” she cut in, her words coming out in a rush. “I need to talk to you about something. I was going to come see you in a little while but since you’re here, we can just go ahead.”

“All right,” he said slowly.

She nodded and went over to her bag, where she retrieved the papers she needed. She checked them briefly before she handed them to him. “Could you sign these?”

“What are they?” he asked, riffling through them.

“Papers to revoke your power of attorney.”

“What?” he asked, surprised.

“Those papers, after you sign them, will revoke the power of attorney you gave me.”

“I meant why do you want me to sign them?”

“It’s time, don’t you think?” she asked quietly.

“No.”

She sighed. “Well, I mean if you still don’t feel comfortable handling your affairs on your own, then you can also give someone else your power of attorney. I talked to Sean and he said he’d be fine with it. He even has the necessary paperwork if that’s what you want.”

“I want you.”

She bit her lip again. If he kept this up, she was going to draw blood very soon. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

Just tell him
, she told herself. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? “I, uh, I’m leaving.”

“Leaving?” he repeated and he scanned the room and she knew that he was finally taking in the suitcases lined along the far wall. “Where?”

“I’m going home,” she said softly.

“Home?”

“Harbor Bay.” She forced a smile to her face. “It’s been a while since I’ve been there and seen everyone." She shrugged. "I mean my aunt isn't there anymore but Marie and your mom are and. . ."

"Aunt?" She nodded. "Where are your parents?"

She groaned inwardly. Yet another fact that they hadn't clued Jason in on. "They're dead. They died when I was young."

"Fuck," Jason muttered. "I’m sorry."

"You didn't know."

"I never asked." He shook his head, running his hand back and forth across his scalp. "I was too focused on me and my memories and I didn't even think about how all of this. . ."

"It's fine." That had become her mantra of late. If she said it enough, eventually it would have to come true.

"No it's not." He took a step toward her and she involuntarily stepped back. Hurt passed across his features but he stilled, not moving any closer. "Megan you have to know, what I said, about not loving you. . ."

God, she had to stop this.
She couldn't do this again. "I'm leaving tomorrow.”

Jason winced then shook his head. He stared down at the carpet for a moment before he looked up suddenly, catching her eyes before she could look away. "There's something about you that I can't. . .I can't get you out of my head." The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. "And I'm an asshole to a lot of people, but when I'm that way with you, it's like something inside of me wants to kick my ass until I apologize." He stared at her. "Only with you. Why is that?"

She tried to swallow pass the lump in her throat. "I don't know," she managed in a hoarse whisper, breaking their eye contact.

“So if this is about what happened last week-“

“It’s not,” she lied. And she looked away when his questioning eyes sought hers. “I just. . .I, uh, want to get out of this hotel. It’s starting to feel a little too normal living here.”

“You lived in the house with me, didn’t you?” he asked, still seeking to meet her eyes. “Before the accident?”

“That’s not important now.”

“Look, if you want, I’ll move out and you can-”

“Jason, no. You can’t live in a hotel. And where else are you going to go? Besides, I need to. . .” She cleared her throat. “I mean I want to go visit Harbor Bay.”

He looked down at the papers in his hand, not saying anything. The silence hung between them heavily. Just when she was sure she couldn’t take another second of it, he said softly,

“You never let me finish that day.”

“Finish?” she asked confused.

He nodded still staring at the papers he held. “When you asked me how I felt about you.”

Don’t go there
, that little voice in her head warned. “Jason we don’t-”

“I said ‘no’ but it’s not that simple, Megan.” He finally found her gaze and their eyes locked. “I said ‘no’ because I don’t know you well enough to love you.”

“Jason. ..” She winced at the note of pleading she heard in her voice.

“Yet,” he added. “I don’t know you well enough yet.” He ran his hand through his hair. “But I want to.” He shook his head. "Like I said, there's something about you and being around you that. . .it feels different but right somehow."

She could feel some of her control slipping from her. And she fought to regain it. It took her a while but she did it. “Why? Because I told you we’re engaged? You feel like you need to feel something for me?” She shook her head. “That was one of the reasons I didn’t, and couldn’t tell you. You don’t owe me anything.”

“That’s not-”

“Look, this is. . .” She stopped, searching for the words she needed to somehow explain things. “It’s nobody’s fault. What happened last week, it was inevitable. And in a way, I’m glad ‘cause now it’s out there. Now we can move on and really take advantage of that second chance I was talking about.”

She could see that he was trying to decide whether to push her. “I do owe you, though. But that’s not why I want to know you.” He smiled slightly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but everyone seems to love you.” She shook her head. “Tyler. Sean. All those people at the Mariners's offices. Even Ms. Clark seemed to like you and Tyler and I would swear that she ran on batteries.” He nodded his head toward the door. “I mean even the guy at the front desk seems to like you more than the other guests here. I think he was actually sizing me up, wondering what the hell I wanted with your room number.”

“Ricky?” she murmured.

He smiled. “The point is, you seem like this amazing person. And the fact that at one point in my life, I managed to somehow convince you to marry me tells me one thing.” His eyes met hers. “I did one smart thing in my life.”

“Jason, that’s-“

“I do want that second chance. I want a chance to get to know you. Again. Ever since I woke up missing a large chunk of my memory, I’ve felt something was missing or, or lost. Like that feeling you get sometimes when you leave the house and you wonder if you left the stove on? Like I needed to find it again just like you need to go back and check to see if the oven really is on.” He sighed.  “I mean I keep getting these flashes of memories or something and most of them are of you. There’s a reason for that, don’t you think?”

She wanted to believe at that moment. Her heart wanted to believe so much that it did mean something. But she couldn’t. Her heart didn’t have the strength, or faith, to fight her head anymore. So her head prevailed.

“It’s probably because I’m always around, nagging you,” she said, trying hard to keep her voice light. “Kind of like you dream about what is dominating your life on that day.” He looked at her doubtfully. “You’ll start having flashes of other people soon. You’ll see.”

“That’s not really the point.”

She knew that. But she didn’t know what else to say, so she drank more water.

He watched her for several moments before he sighed. “I really am sorry about last week. I understand if you’re mad at me and want-”