What Do You Do With a Chocolate Jesus? (10 page)

     2) Andrew: He’s Simon Peter’s brother, also a fisherman and a manly man, because that’s what “Andrew” means.

     3) James the son of Zebedee: Yet another fisherman.

     4) John, brother of James: Still
another
fisherman. Jesus must have had a thing for seafood. After all, he was symbolized by the fish long before the cross became the official Christian logo. It’s a peculiar trademark, but I suppose he could have done worse. Nobody’s going to stick a Jesus chicken on their bumper.

The other eight disciples, whom we know little about, were Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas (the doubting one), Matthew (a tax collector;
not
the guy who wrote the Gospel), Thaddaeus, then another Simon, Judas the son of James, and, last and most certainly least, Judas Iscariot (the bad guy). More on him later.

It’s generally assumed by Church historians that “the Twelve” were real people, though it’s not as if there’s any independent evidence of a dozen spiritually-imbued evangelists spreading the Jesus story around the Middle East at the time. If Jesus really existed, somebody had to pass on his story, and may even have added the supernatural flourishes. So, what happened to these guys? Where is the verifiable chain-of-evidence that links Jesus’ own disciples to the people who wrote the Gospels a half-century later? Answer: There isn’t any.

Anyway, Jesus initially instructs the Twelve to preach only to Jews. This policy would change. He also tells them not to accept any money. This policy would change, too. And how.

Jesus then tells his men what to take along on their evangelical journeys:

He charged them to take nothing for their journey except a staff; no bread, no bag, no money in their belts; but to wear sandals and not put on two tunics. [Mark 6:8–9]

 

It’s a minor point but, while Mark has Jesus suggesting they take a staff and wear sandals, Matthew and Luke have him saying they should take no staff, and Matthew says no sandals either. [Matt. 10:9–10, Luke 9:3] Would the perfect author of the Gospel truth make a boo-boo even this tiny?

A much bigger question is, how can Mark have Jesus send out his disciples in chapter six when they don’t learn that he’s The Messiah until chapter eight?
Mark 8:29
is when Peter figures out that Jesus is the Christ. How can they preach the Word before they know it themselves?
Mark 6:13
also says they cast out many demons, yet they don’t learn until
Mark 9:25
that they need to say a prayer first for it to work. They become teachers before they’ve learned their subject.

Can’t Get No Respect

Mark’s Gospel has two sections—Jesus preaching in Galilee and Jesus preaching in Jerusalem. In the early going, Jesus and his troops don’t have much luck winning converts in Galilee. One of his first moves is to sermonize in his home town of Nazareth. We don’t get the details of what he said, but the folks he grew up with are a little worried, and they seem ready to fit him for a straightjacket:

And when his friends heard it, they went out to seize him, for they said, “He is beside himself.” And the scribes who came down from Jerusalem said, “He is possessed by Beelzebub, and by the prince of demons he casts out the demons…” [Mark 3:21–22]

 

They think he’s losing it. Well, let’s face it, the folks back home are going to be a tough audience if you come off like, uh, God’s gift to the world. They’ll cut you down to size.

“Is not his mother called Mary? And his brethren, James, and Joseph and Simon, and Judas? And his sisters, are they not all with us? Where then did this man get all this?” And they took offense at him. But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own country and in his own house.” [Matt. 13:55–57]

 

Religious leadership requires a certain mystique, and it’s hard to engender this in the people who knew you as a snot-nosed kid (not that Jesus ever had a cold, of course). Apparently irked by their reaction, Matthew says Jesus doesn’t even bother to prove himself with a miracle. He claims they aren’t worthy. This gets the crowd so mad they almost throw him off a cliff! Jesus gets the hint and leaves.

What doesn’t make sense about this episode is that the folks from his hometown don’t seem to remember anything about his celebrated birth thirty years before. You don’t forget stuff like the miracle star or the Wise Men. How did Joseph and Mary explain all that frankincense and myrrh? John’s Gospel says Jesus’ disciples knew immediately that he was The Messiah. So why didn’t the folks who knew him since childhood? Did everyone forget all those innocents who were slaughtered?

This strongly indicates that Matthew’s Nativity story, which Mark doesn’t mention, is entirely invented. The author gives the pagan myth of the virgin-born god-man a kosher makeover. But it never really happened.

Also notice that
Matt. 13:55
makes reference to Jesus’ “brothers and sisters.” This line, and others like it, keeps some people up late at night arguing about who these folks were. Catholics suggest they were Jesus’ cousins, or perhaps his “spiritual” brothers and sisters; anything but his actual siblings. The Church doesn’t want to think of Mary as anything but a perpetual virgin. Yet another explanation says they were Joseph’s children from a previous marriage. So where were they the night Jesus was born? And why didn’t anybody write this down?

In any case, as the whole mob scene with Jesus takes place, a couple of spies for the religious leaders in Jerusalem look on. And they don’t see a messiah; they see a troublemaker. Storm clouds are gathering on the horizon.

But what exactly is Jesus saying that gets these guys so upset?

CHAPTER THREE

Stumping for God

What reasons do the Christians give for
the distinctiveness of their beliefs?
In truth, there is nothing at all unusual
about what the Christians believe…

—Celsus, ca. A.D. 178

The Sermon on the Mount

As Jesus made his healing tour throughout Galilee, his fame spread far and wide. He was bigger than John Lennon. Matthew says Jesus healed “every disease and every infirmity.” Galilee must have been the healthiest place on earth. Nothing like single provider, non-profit healthcare, huh?

As the crowds got bigger, Jesus sensed it was time to deliver his major stump speech. He made it from a hilltop, unless you believe Luke, which says he stood on a plain. (Was Luke nearsighted?) The speech is known as the Sermon on the Mount—a clear set of moral prescriptions to which countless believers would spend the next 2,000 years giving lip service.

For many, these lines are the core of Christian philosophy, which makes it strange that Mark doesn’t even mention them. Isn’t this like telling the story of Moses and leaving out the Ten Commandments?

The Beatitudes

The opening verses of the sermon are called
The Beatitudes
—a list of qualities that would get you into the Kingdom of Heaven. What strikes you about these bits of wisdom is how little they resemble the attitudes of so many politically-active evangelicals today. Of course, we can’t be certain of exactly what Jesus said anyway because Matthew and Luke disagree on what he said. Some lines sound similar, but do they really mean the same thing?

“Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.” [Luke 6:20]

 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” [Matt. 5:3]

 

These statements suggest two different criteria for who is blessed. Blessing “you poor” sounds like being penniless gets you in the door. Being “poor in spirit” could include billionaires suffering from low self-esteem.
The Catholic Encyclopedia
says this is pretty much the case. They regard “poor” not to mean economic poverty but rather a meek or wretched state of mind. Sure, poverty and wretchedness often overlap. But a homeless man with a bad attitude might not make the cut while an A-list celebrity could sail right in if he’s wretched enough to be projectile-vomiting at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Others believe Luke’s line about “the poor”
does
in fact refer to a lack of material wealth because that writer was reaching out to the masses, most of whom didn’t have two shekels. The author of Matthew, on the other hand, writing for a prosperous, educated readership, might have wanted to bless the “poor in spirit” in order to keep his more affluent audience on board. Matthew continues:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. [Matt. 5:3–6]

 

And now here’s Luke:

Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. [Luke 6:21]

 

Okay…Matthew’s upper class audience wants justice while Luke’s readers, the working class, have the munchies. One promises spiritual nourishment, the other a decent meal. Religious uplift vs. a Quarter Pounder with cheese. Choose your Jesus.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called
   sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’
   sake, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
[Matt. 5:7–10]

 

There’s a certain karmic flavor to these ideas. Send out good vibes and the good vibes will come back to you. It’s the Golden Rule, which was taught by everyone from Confucius to Socrates, though I think Jesus put it most eloquently.

Next, Jesus introduces an idea that raises a lot of questions.

The Kingdom of Heaven

The Gospels have Jesus spending a lot of time in his early sermons telling people to prepare for the Kingdom of Heaven or the Kingdom of God. But nobody seems entirely sure what he’s talking about. As usual, there are plenty of theories. In the Old Testament, there’s no heaven to look forward to, but there is the promise of a messiah who will establish an idyllic kingdom based in Jerusalem. That’s a clear vision.

The Gospel of Mark, however, has Jesus tampering with these traditional expectations and putting a new spin on what everybody thought they understood:

“The kingdom of God is as if a man should scatter seed upon the ground, and should sleep and rise night and day, and the seed should sprout and grow, he knows not how.” [Mark 4:26–27]

 

This doesn’t really clear it up for me, nor do the other metaphors Jesus uses to define the Kingdom of God. It sounds like something good, but I was hoping for a bit less ambiguity than lines that liken it to a mustard seed, buried treasure, a pearl hunter, or a fish net:

“…the kingdom of heaven is like a net which was thrown into the sea and gathered fish of every kind; when it was full, men drew it ashore and sat down and sorted the good into vessels and threw away the bad. So it will be at the close of the age. The angels will come out and separate the evil from the righteous, and throw them into the furnace of fire; there men will weep and gnash their teeth.” [Matt. 13:47–50]

 

Whoa! Wait a second! When did
hellfire
come into this!? You’re telling me there’s a “sorting out” at the End of Time? I’m supposed to live my life wondering if I’ll avoid eternal teeth-gnashing? And if I’m good, my reward will be spending forever with poor, meek, hungry, persecuted peacemakers? This is the
good
news? What’s the bad news?

…the kingdom of God is at hand… [Mark 1:15]

 

Yikes!
Looks like I’m not getting any sleep tonight. So, how do I know exactly when this kingdom is coming?

The Kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed…for behold, the Kingdom of God is in the midst of you.” [Luke 17:20–21]

 

Huh…Now he makes it sound like a state of mind again. Or perhaps this refers to Jesus being in their midst. I think so…but I’m not sure. Fortunately, the only thing at stake is my immortal soul.

Jesus on Economics