Weightless (9 page)

Over the next few weeks I began the painful
process of letting all our friends know that we’d pulled the plug.
They weren’t initially as unquestioningly supportive as Frederick.
Especially Kat. As my steadfastly married friend, she just couldn’t
accept that I’d throw away a steady relationship for… what? Well, I
guess that was the question. It was one I wasn’t looking forward to
answering, again, at lunch on Saturday.

Chapter 2

‘You are late,’ Kat announced. Being
Austrian, she was genetically predisposed to feeling grave offence
at tardiness.

‘I know, I’m sorry,’ I fibbed as I handed
the waiter my coat. I couldn’t really be sorry at 1.04 p.m. when we
were due to meet at one. It wasn’t worth pointing out, though. For
Kat, the watch’s minute hand was there for a reason. And I’d
certainly been grateful for her precision when she’d applied it in
our work assignments over the years. Now that she wasn’t working,
her personal life bore the brunt of her rigor. Sometimes I pitied
James and the kids.

‘This is beautiful,’ I said, gazing across
the restaurant. It may have been overcast twenty-first-century
London outside but inside we could have been in 1920s Vienna. The
room buzzed with a mix of working lunches and ladies who lunched.
Its vaulted ceiling and soaring arches made a very grand
impression, but despite its size it felt cozy, with huge brass
chandeliers illuminating golden-hued marble walls and shiny
black-and-gold art deco touches. It definitely took the chill out
of the January afternoon.

‘We need to talk about Mattias,’ Kat said
before I’d even had any wine. ‘And then we can have a nice lunch.’
She waited for me to acquiesce. She was forthright but didn’t
interfere without provocation. When I nodded she leaned forward.
‘He and James were out the other night and he’s acting like
nothing’s wrong. James asked him how things were between you two,
and he said they were good.
Good
, B. What’s going on?’

I sighed. ‘You know he’s had trouble
accepting the situation, but I think he’s coming to terms with
things now. He’s getting on with his life.’

‘He won’t get on with his life if you talk
to him all the time.’

‘I don’t talk to him all the time! We talk,
sometimes. All right, most days, but only because he calls. What am
I supposed to do, hang up on him? You don’t throw away a ten-year
friendship because you’re not together any more. Kat, I’m
responsible for making him feel awful. This wasn’t his choice. He
agreed with it, but I did this to us. I’m going to do everything I
can to make it easy for him. I won’t be rude.’

‘No, you’re right,
Suesse
. It would
be cruel to cut him out of your life completely. Besides, you are
happy in this new relationship with him. Right?’ I nodded,
suspecting an ambush. ‘And you were happy together before you broke
up. So you should have just stayed together and saved the
trauma.’

Four and a half minutes. A new personal best
in Kat’s I-told-you-so Olympics. ‘No, Kat, we weren’t happy
together. We just weren’t unhappy together. There’s a huge
difference. We’re better off now, apart.’

‘But you’re no happier than when you were
together and now you’re both alone. How is that better? You are not
young, you know.’

‘Thirty-eight isn’t old!’ I still had
birthday cake in my fridge. Barely thirty-eight.

‘You know I don’t mean that you’re old. I’m
only saying that you should be more sensible. It’s wonderful to
think life is all hearts and roses but there are practicalities
too.’

‘Such as?’

‘Well, such as weddings. Jill’s is only a
few weeks away. I’m not saying that’s a reason to stay together,
but you have to admit it would be more fun to go with someone.’

I’d been dreading our former colleague’s
wedding since I got the Plus One invitation. ‘I do have someone to
go with. You and James will be there.’

‘Of course we will, and we’ll be happy to be
your dates. I’m just worried about you, that’s all.’ She took my
hand across the table. ‘I love you. And Clare loves you and Faith
loves you. You know that. We are your best friends. It’s our duty
to point out when you are wrong. And we’re afraid you were wrong to
stop your relationship when, you admit yourself, there was nothing
wrong with it.’

Kat liked to use the royal ‘We’ when telling
me what she thought. The fact was, Clare had only asked me once if
I was sure about the break-up, and she accepted my answer. And
Faith, who I’d known even longer than Kat, was possibly the biggest
romantic love advocate on the planet. I knew Kat’s words were hers
alone.

Technically she
was
right. There was
nothing wrong with Mattias’ and my relationship. We got along, and
generally enjoyed each other. He was a smart, stable man who’d
treated me well. So what was wrong with me? Why wasn’t it enough?
‘We loved each other,’ I said for what felt like the hundredth
time. ‘But we weren’t in love with each other.’

‘Pah. You were together for ten years. No
one is in love after that long. You loved each other. That is
enough. Stop being so naïve. You read too many romantic books.
They’re just fiction. Your trouble is you expect to fall head over
feet.’

‘I think you mean heels.’

She wasn’t being unkind, just
matter-of-fact. But her facts weren’t mine. How could I make her
understand, and accept it? It was hard enough sorting everything
out in my own head. It wasn’t like I didn’t wonder if I’d made a
mistake every time Mattias called or texted. I had to remind myself
that I’d acted on my feelings, and I couldn’t help how I felt. My
friends needed reminding about that too. ‘I’ve told you that there
weren’t even sparks when we met. We just fell into a relationship.
It was easy. Too easy, maybe.’

‘But B., most people would die to have an
easy relationship. You are lucky. Your best friend was your
boyfriend. Don’t be so greedy.’

‘I’m not being greedy! I just don’t want to
spend the rest of my life in a relationship without being in love.
He wasn’t in love with me either. This is best for us both. It’s
not enough to get along, or have common interests. We were like
friends with benefits. There’s got to be more out there.’

‘After so long together you’re lucky you got
the benefits.’

When she smiled I knew that the awkwardness
had left the conversation, freeing us to pursue less thorny topics.
We were big believers in the band-aid approach. A short, sharp rip
at the beginning got us over the pain more quickly. By the time I
kissed her goodbye to rush to the office, the sting was fading to a
memory. True friendship was like that.

You’d never know it was a Saturday. It looked
like my colleagues were preparing for war when I arrived. Fiona was
barking orders at them and one of the newer consultants looked
ready to cry.

‘B.,’ she said when she spotted me. ‘I tried
your mobile but you didn’t pick up.’

‘Sorry, I didn’t hear it,’ I lied. ‘How’s
everything going?’ I only asked to bait her. It was a large part of
my job satisfaction. I didn’t exactly dislike my boss. If she fell
onto a railroad track, for instance, I’d probably give her a hand
up, as long as I hadn’t just had a manicure.

‘There’s no way we’ll be ready for Monday.
It’s a fucking disaster.’

It was a meeting that we’d known about for a
month, the final presentation of results from the project before we
moved on to the next client. The same meeting had ended every
single engagement we’d ever had. Yet it came as a surprise, just as
every end-of-project meeting seemed to. For change management
consultants, we didn’t handle surprises very well. Thankfully, I
was a very small cog in that wonky wheel. ‘What can I do to
help?’

‘You can stop being so fucking cheerful.
Nobody appreciates it.’

Foul Fiona always lived up to her nickname
in times of stress. Luckily, she didn’t use the same language in
front of clients. ‘Sure thing, Fiona, sorry, I’ll try to be more
morose.’ I stuck two fingers up. ‘How’s this?’

‘Better. It’s not like our future is riding
on this or anything.’

By ‘our’ future she meant her future. As the
project manager who contracted in the consultants, she was tied to
the companies she served. That made the rest of us mercenaries,
working for anyone who’d pay us. I’d have loved to care more about
the meeting but I already had my next assignment with Sprüngli.

My friend Clare pulled a face at Fiona’s
retreating back. ‘Come on, buttercup,’ she said. ‘Fiona wants ten
more slides from us.’

‘Ten more? It’s already too long. What does
she expect us to add?’

‘Let’s put one word on each slide–’

‘In huge font?’ I proposed.

‘In huge font, call it finished, and go get
a drink.’

Of course we wouldn’t do that. After nearly
six months on the project, it was a matter of personal pride.

I’d only meant to work for Fiona until my
music career took off. Unfortunately, though my seat belt was
securely fastened and my tray table safely stowed, the control
tower still hadn’t cleared that runway. As the number of months in
London started outpacing the number of gigs I did, I was grateful
for the steady income.

Clare and I lounged in one of the smaller
conference rooms away from the others, biscuits filched from the
client cupboard strewn across the table. When she got the genius
idea to fill the presentation with indecipherable screenshots of
our process charts, I knew we’d be okay. Nobody cared about the
details of the presentation anyway. The clients just wanted to know
whether it was finished, and whether it stayed within budget.

‘If anyone questions the slides, which they
won’t,’ Clare said, deftly pasting in the screenshots. ‘I’ll say
something.’ As the star of our team she got away with more than I’d
dare dream. Fiona was occasionally even civil to her. That’s
because my friend was a consummate professional to the tips of her
manicured fingers. With such a deadly combination of puppy-like
cuddliness and fierce intellect, it was no wonder she’d done so
well. Not that she’d needed to use either on me; she neatly
disarmed me with cake when we first met.

‘No fat!’ She’d said, proffering it over the
boardroom table. ‘I swear, angel food cake is a baking miracle. I’m
emailing the Vatican. Or Sweden. Whoever invented this deserves a
Nobel Prize. Here, taste.’ I did. I did again. Death by a thousand
slices.

Later she told me she’d been desperate to
make a good impression. It may have been her first job after uni,
and her first assignment, but she knew the lay of the land. Newbie
consultants were crapped upon as surely as the world mocked Katie
Price. Her only hope was to target someone greedy enough to
overlook the chance to enslave her own personal assistant. We’d
indulged in several thousand fat-free calories by quitting time and
our friendship, born of cake, was cemented by nausea. I knew before
the crumbs were stale that we were kindred spirits, united in
dietary self-delusion.

She was also a very loyal friend who got my
sense of humor. For me, laughter went such a long way in
friendship. I tried being friends with very-nice-but-boring girls,
but I never enjoyed spending time with them. They were the low-fat
milk of social engagement. It was perfectly fine and lots of people
drank it, but I was never going to look forward to low-fat milk.
I’d never anticipate the next time I’d have it, or smile fondly at
its memory. I suspected there was something wrong with me in this
regard. Surely nice and worthy should have been enough.

‘Have you heard anything about the Zurich
flat yet?’ She asked.

‘No. You?’

‘Of course not. You know we’re going to land
there with nowhere to live, right?’

‘Where do the homeless sleep in Zurich?’

‘Cartier’s doorway.’

‘Dibs on Louis Vuitton.’ When Fiona first
mentioned the Zurich job, just after I split with Mattias, I wasn’t
at all sure about going. It was perhaps a bit much to add a
six-month foreign assignment into the upheaval. But then I thought,
why not? Wasn’t it just the sort of thing one should do when
single? Besides, it’s not everybody who got to say she worked for a
chocolate factory. Sprüngli, makers of Lindt, needed a
confectionary shake-up. I was to become Willamina Wonka.
‘Seriously, though,’ I continued. ‘We’re starting in six weeks.
We’ll need to know more soon.’

‘Do you think something’s wrong? What if
there isn’t another job?’ She wound a lock of blonde hair through
her fingers, a nervous habit.

‘They’ve always come through before,’ I
said. ‘There’s no reason to think there’s anything wrong.’

She nodded. ‘It’s probably just a snag in
the paperwork. I’m being paranoid. You know how geeky I am. I need
to work. I’m not like you, with…’ She fluttered her hands. ‘…
Creative juices. My juices are wholly employment-related. These
assignments sustain me. We will be all right, won’t we?’

‘Of course we will. And don’t be jealous of
my juices. I can’t exactly make a living as a musician if the
assignment falls through.’

I hoped very much that paperwork was holding
things up because I needed the assignment too, though for different
reasons than Clare. I had to have breathing room away from the new
life I’d created. Zurich would be the pause button, letting me
assess the past months from outside the maelstrom. And away from
Mattias. At the moment I was going through the motions, carried
along pretty much as I’d always been, minus the stable
relationship. I had the nagging suspicion that that’s how I ended
up sleepwalking through the last decade in the first place. It
seemed to happen so gradually that I hadn’t noticed. Like that frog
in hot water. If you threw the poor little hopper into a pot of
boiling water (not that I’d ever do that!) conventional wisdom said
it would jump out. But if you put it into a pot of cold water and
turned on the heat, it would eventually boil to death. Had I been a
dozy toad? Did I sit in my life, making a small concession here, a
minor adjustment of expectations there, never questioning why I was
starting to sweat? Surely there were points along the way that
should have made me wonder. Maybe the ease alone was a warning
sign.