Warrior's Cross (24 page)

“And my type is…”

“The type you never see again,” Blake answered wryly. “Or the type who’s likely to try to kill you afterward,” he added thoughtfully.

“Of which Cameron is neither,” he clarified.

“Jesus, Blake,” Julian muttered, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“It’s not pretty, Jules, but it’s true. Cameron’s not like us. And quite honestly, I can’t imagine how he keeps your interest. And it wouldn’t surprise me to find out he thinks the same.”

Julian sneered at that and shook his head. “I love him,” he stated angrily.

“I know you do,” Blake assured him. “But why?” he prodded.

“There’s no answer to that,” Julian protested in annoyance that was obviously heightened by the alcohol he’d already consumed. Blake actually preferred dealing with Julian when he was drunk. It was almost like dealing with a normal person, one who let his emotions show. “I Warrior’s Cross 167

don’t know
why
,” Julian went on in frustration. “I just…” He closed his eyes and turned his head, and the fire cast shadows over his drawn face.

“When I’m with him I feel like one of the good guys,” he tried to explain.

“You’re not one of the good guys,” Blake reminded.

“Shut up,” Julian grumbled. “I just… I feel normal with him.”

“You hate feeling normal,” Blake argued. He ignored Julian’s grunt of protest and continued, leaning forward as he did so. “And how can you call what you have with him normal?” he asked in annoyance.

“You see him, what, not even two days a week? Less than forty-eight hours? And you probably spend most of that screwing and sleeping.

You don’t know him, not really, because you’ve not spent any real time with him. And he certainly doesn’t know
you
. It’s not a relationship when all you do is fuck him and leave.”

“Fuck you,” Julian said in a surprised voice.

“No, fuck
you
, Julian,” Blake responded calmly. “What you have is nothing near a normal relationship. Take him out somewhere.”

“You know I can’t risk that,” Julian argued.

“And so does he, doesn’t he?” Blake pointed out. “You’ve told him that much. So of course he’s going to get scared. He’s
not
stupid.”

“I know he’s not stupid,” Julian whispered in a stricken voice.

“He’s not… he’s not one of us, just like you said. He’s the kind of man who if you gave him a gun and told him he had two choices—“shoot one of your dogs or shoot yourself in the head”—he’d put the gun to his ear and pull the trigger.”

“Hell, Jules, you’d do the same thing if someone did that to you and your goddamned cats,” Blake said in amusement.

“No,” Julian murmured with a shake of his head. “No, there’s a third option. People like us, we’re third-option people. We take the gun, stuff it in the person’s mouth, and eliminate the problem. Walk off into the sunset with our kitty.”

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Blake had to press his lips together tightly in order not to smile or laugh. That was such a Julian thing to say. He wondered if he’d opened up to Cameron enough to let the other man see his odd sense of humor.

“But Cameron,” Julian continued with a wave of his hand for emphasis. “He doesn’t know there’s a third option.” He shook his head and sighed softly.

“So… you love him, partly because he’s never been exposed to that third option,” Blake surmised with a small frown. “But just by being near him, you’re exposing him to it.”

“I love him because he’s him. I don’t want to change him and lose him,” Julian argued.

“Then don’t,” Blake advised with a shrug. “I’ve never seen you truly happy before this past year. It’s him doing it. I don’t know why or how. Hell,
you
don’t know how. But love is a funny thing, and when you find it, you have to hold on tight. Tell him what he needs to hear.

Give him what he thinks he wants.”

Julian sighed heavily and closed his eyes. “If I tell him what I am, I’ll lose him,” he said in a hoarse voice.

“I didn’t say tell him the truth,” Blake said. “Tell him what he
needs
to hear,” he repeated slowly. “If it’s what it takes to keep you both happy and him safe, do it.”

Julian stared at him for a long moment, nodding slightly. “And hope he never finds out?” he finally asked.

Blake shrugged in answer. “Hope he doesn’t, hope he does…

Cameron might surprise you. Or he might kick you to the curb and run like hell. I know him pretty well, but I wouldn’t hazard a guess when it comes to this. It’s pretty serious, you know, if he loves you too.”

Julian grunted unhappily and continued to look at Blake as the firelight warmed the dark room.

Blake smiled slightly and shrugged. “Me, I’d run like hell from you,” he admitted freely.

Julian blinked slowly and a wicked smile began to form on his lips. “That’s because you know I top,” he responded mischievously.

Warrior’s Cross 169

Blake groaned, waved his hands through the air, and stood up, walking away from the fire and his friend. “Way too much information,” he mumbled as he left the room.

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Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux

CAMERON lay on his side on the couch, staring out the window at the night, though he wasn’t really seeing anything. He’d been lazy all day Saturday, and most of today as well, preoccupied with his thoughts of Julian. With his fears and questions and nerves.

With his wants.

Something about Julian made him want to just curl up in his lover’s arms and ignore the unspoken truth, whatever the truth might be, soaking in nothing but the warmth and acceptance and safety.

But he’d made himself face reality the past couple days. He truly knew next to nothing about Julian: Where he lived. What his real job was. If he had family. Why he only stayed one night and one day a week. Where he spent his time away from him. Why they never went out in public. If he were married.

Cameron made himself calm down after working himself into a tizzy. There was no reason to think Julian wasn’t on the up-and-up.

Julian had never tried to sidestep a direct question. He had merely refused to answer some of them. That wasn’t lying.

He’d not actually asked Julian where he lived. Julian admitted to having a dangerous job—one that might be dangerous to Cameron as well—and he’d even hinted that he might leave Cameron rather than see him hurt. He’d never mentioned family or friends, besides Blake.

Julian never offered excuses for why he couldn’t see Cameron more often, and he actually had asked Cameron once if he wanted to go out somewhere. And he didn’t wear a wedding ring.

Then there was Julian himself—tall, dark, mysterious.

Devastatingly handsome and as passionate in bed as he was controlled on the streets. The whole cliché. Dangerous. To others, surely, Julian Warrior’s Cross 171

had as much as told him that. But to Cameron? He didn’t think so.

Julian had never done anything to threaten or scare him, and he had even apologized on the rare occasion when he got rough, despite the fact Cameron had assured him he was enjoying it.

No, he was not afraid of Julian.

Cameron just didn’t know what to think about the rest. He wanted to believe in Julian. He loved him—desperately so. He’d just found him a handful of months ago, and this had all happened so fast. He didn’t want to let him go or be let go.

If Cameron asked more questions, asked for more explanations, would Julian change his mind and leave? Would he give him that same, lifeless look he’d given him at the party and then turn away from him?

Cameron didn’t think he could handle that.

Whether he could live and love in the dark of the truth remained to be seen.

A quiet knock on the door jostled him out of his thoughts.

Cameron’s eyes slowly slid to the door before he pushed up from the couch. The dogs were already yapping and jumping up and down.

He had to push them out of the way when he got there before he could check the peephole.

Julian stood calmly in the hallway with his head bowed, waiting. It surprised Cameron again that Julian had shaved his beard off; he’d barely noticed at the party before he’d fled to the kitchen, and then he’d forgotten. Julian still looked good. Too good. It just wasn’t fair how good-looking the man was.

Cameron swallowed and took stock of his emotions. He felt relatively calm. He was a little apprehensive, but no more nervous than usual, he supposed. He unlocked the door and opened it.

Julian looked up when the lock sounded, and he smiled tentatively when he met Cameron’s eyes. That smile helped put Cameron at ease.

He couldn’t think of Julian as a man who got nervous, but he
had
seen glimpses of nerves in the other man, hadn’t he? Like that smile. It seemed so normal. He smiled in return and opened the door further, enough that the dogs swarmed Julian’s feet.

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Julian watched them with something like affectionate resignation.

The first step he took dragged two playfully growling dogs along with it.

Cameron chuckled and bent over to pick up Saffron and

Snowflake. The fact that the dogs were so enamored of Julian was another balm. Animals were good judges of character, weren’t they?

“It’s good to see I was missed,” Julian murmured as he bent to pick up the other two dogs and stepped into the apartment.

Cameron stepped around and shut the door behind them. “You were,” he confirmed.

Julian set the dogs down and met Cameron’s eyes carefully.

“Yeah?” he asked tentatively.

Holding the dogs to his chest, Cameron nodded, not looking away as he leaned back against the door.

Julian stared at him for a moment. “I’m sorry about the party,” he said quietly, without looking away from Cameron’s face.

Cameron dropped his eyes and shifted his weight uneasily. “You were working.”

“I would have warned you, if I could have,” Julian insisted. “Blake wasn’t thinking. Those people… right now I’m an unknown to them.

But in a year, or a month, or a week, that might change. I can’t have them knowing how to hurt me.”

“I don’t understand,” Cameron admitted. “How could they hurt you? You said you’re not the one usually in danger.”

“They could hurt
you
,” Julian answered bluntly.

Cameron’s heart was suddenly beating hard enough to make him light-headed. “How?”

Julian cocked his head and shrugged slightly, looking away as he thought about the question. “Foreclose on the condo. Make your tax records disappear and cause an audit. Implicate you in something that could send you to jail,” he murmured finally. “Someone less…

principled may go so far as to physically attack you, if they wanted to send me a message.”

Warrior’s Cross 173

Cameron remembered what Julian had said about danger, but he hadn’t had any context before now. The implications of what Julian was saying made Cameron tremble and tighten his arms, enough so that one of the dogs gave a soft yelp. He flinched and squatted to set them on the floor; he stayed there, shocked.

Julian watched him helplessly. “I’m sorry,” he finally said again.

Cameron closed his arms around himself as he forced himself to stand up, but he couldn’t stop the shivers. “You knew,” he said shakily.

“You knew, when we met, when we got together, that this might happen, that I might actually get hurt by someone else because of you.

But you never told me this before? Why?”

Julian closed his eyes and bowed his head, unable to answer.

“Julian?” Cameron pushed. “If you knew… then why? Why would you do that?”

“I was selfish,” Julian answered calmly. He looked back up and met Cameron’s eyes again. “And perhaps overconfident. I wanted you.

I thought I could protect you.”

Cameron swallowed hard as he tried to order his thoughts. “I didn’t want to ask for more explanations,” he said. “I knew… you didn’t want to tell me. And I didn’t want you to leave.”

The words made Julian flinch slightly, and he gave an offended grunt. “I wouldn’t leave you for asking questions,” he said in a horrified voice as he focused on Cameron’s face.

Cameron felt very small as they stood opposite each other. “I didn’t want to risk it. You seemed so sure about walking away that night in the hospital, remember?”

Julian winced again and looked away, seemingly oblivious of the tiny dogs struggling to climb up his legs. He looked back at Cameron and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he repeated regretfully. “I’d hoped that I could shield you from my life. That you understood the implications of being involved with me, what the consequences might be. I thought I could protect you. I made a mistake.”

They stood silent for long moments before Cameron spoke. “Do I need protecting?”

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“Not now,” Julian answered confidently. “Not yet. That’s why I had to behave as if I didn’t know you, to keep it that way.”

Cameron’s fingers reached up to his own throat, to finger the chain of the necklace hanging there, just under his shirt collar. The warrior’s cross, meant to protect the wearer. Julian sounded certain about what he was saying, and it eased Cameron’s fears a little. “So you were protecting me,” he said slowly.