Wanna Bet? (12 page)

Numbly I
drive back to the university and head to my room, ignoring the
blatant stares I’m getting from the early risers around the car
park and inside the building, as I walk past a window I catch sight
of my reflection and feel nothing, my hair has grass in it, I’m
soaked through, my eyes are red and puffy from all the crying, my
lip is swollen and there is dried blood around it from where the
cut must have started bleeding again at some point in the night, I
have dirt streaked across my face.

My eyes look
as empty as I feel, I lean towards the window to get a closer look
they no longer hold the shadows of my past, there isn’t an ounce of
fear in them, no happiness and no determination or strength. If
anything the only thing they hold is defeat.

Looking down
I notice my hands are covered in scrapes and cuts, there’s dried
blood on them as well.

As I make my
way to my room a few people greet me, a few others ask a question
or two and the one’s who are bold enough make a comment about how I
must be just getting back from being with Todd. I ignore them all
and as soon as I’m in my empty room I give up and crawl into
bed.

The
nightmares don’t stop; I no longer fear them though, even in my
sleep I seem to just go through them showing no emotion. They still
have the power to wake me though. Looking around the room I notice
it’s only a half hour until lunch. Standing up and stretching I
make the decision to finish the rest of my classes for the day.
Once I’m showered and dressed I head out of the room and make a
mental note to buy a new phone later.

As I walk
into the café, already decided that I’m not going to sit and eat
in, a silence falls over the whole room I look up and around to see
almost everyone staring at me, Sophie turns and as soon as she
catches my eye she starts to stand up, I shake my head at her and
make my way to the food line. I hear my name being whispered a few
times but ignore it. I look over the food and pick out a sandwich,
when I go to walk forward everyone in the queue has stopped and is
looking at me as if they are waiting for something. I feel someone
poke me in the side and turn to see Beth smiling at me.

“
Well?” she
demands at me. I don’t reply just take the time to study her
silently, she has dark eyes, I can see the anger building up in
them, she’s a little pale as if she hasn’t eaten enough, she’s
taller than me by about four inches, her hair is pulled back into a
tight bun and she’s wearing a pink summer dress. Vaguely I realised
I’ve gone back to wearing baggy clothes, as if unconsciously I have
just decided to give up on everything. “Don’t ignore me” she snaps
at me bringing me out of my fog. I try to turn around back to the
line but she grabs my arm, I slowly turn around and fully face her
but not taking my eyes off the hand she has on my arm, I make no
move to get out of her grip. I feel her lean in as she digs her
nails into my arm. “What’s the matter? It finally dawned on you how
unwanted you are?” she whispers in my ear smugly.

“
Actually I
was thinking about all the tetanus jabs I’m going to have to get
now that you, the walking STD has put her hands on” I whisper back
in her ear.

This time I’m
expecting her slap. I knew it was going to happen, I did nothing to
stop it or block it however, I accepted it.

I think I was
hoping that she could make me feel pain or some sort of emotion.
She goes to slap me again or maybe punch me now she knows a slap
won’t get a reaction but her hand is pulled behind her, we both
look back at the same time to see a guy older than us hold her
back, I frown at him and he watches me in confusion.

“
Want me to
get her out of here?” he asks me.

I shake my
head at him still frowning, not sure why anyone would do that and
stand up for me. He does anyway and ignoring the silence and stares
again I move forward and pay for my food.

A few people
call out to me as I walk across the room to the table Sophie is
sitting at with Matt, Tucker and Luke, I continue to ignore them
all and stop next to Sophie’s chair.

“
Are you
staying?” she asks pulling out a chair for me. I shake my head at
her.

“
I just wanted
to say sorry for snapping at you like that last night, I shouldn’t
have taken it out on you” I say softly to her, my voice sounds
strange even to my own ears, I guess through all the crying last
night I finally lost my voice a bit.

“
It’s OK, I
was worried about you” she admits.

I reach up to
rub my forehead and stop when I hear a collective gasp, she stands
up and takes my hands in her own examining them.

“
What happened
to your hands?” she asks softy searching my eyes for some sort of
explanation.

“
They fell
into the door to my past” I whisper staring at the cuts on my
knuckles.

“
Brooke, where
did you stay last night?” Matt asks softly tucking a stray bit of
hair behind my ears. From the gesture I’m transported back to my
early years, remembering how my dad used to tuck my hair behind my
ears after he dried it when I got out of the bath. I feel the tear
running down my cheek as he lifts his hand to do it to the other
side and close my eyes, when I open them Sophie is watching me,
waiting for an answer.

“
With the only
person who has ever really loved me” I reply sadly.

Sophie pulls
me into a hug and brushes the tears from my cheeks.

“
You didn’t go
to see Tucker or Beth last night did you?” she whispers in my ear
loud enough for only me to hear. I shake my head at her.

She lets me
go and takes her seat at the table again. “You didn’t do anything
stupid did you?” She asks me while glaring at Tucker.

“
Probably” I
nod my head at her “Too late to change that now though” I admit
with a small smile “It was worth it though” I wink at her for
making me smile again even if she has no idea why I’m
smiling.

“
I’ve just
heard the worst rumour yet, that you did the walk of shame this
morning, soaking wet, covered in grass and dirt and bleeding” Katie
says happily rolling her eyes as she joins the table oblivious to
the silence that she walked in on.

“
That one’s
true” I admit, although it wasn’t quite a walk of shame.

“
Must have
been one hell of a night” she sighs at me, making me
smirk.

“
You could say
that” agreeing more with the hell than she could ever
understand.

A voice
behind me catches my attention and turn to watch as Beth is telling
a table of people about me and Todd kissing at the bar and then
leaving together and me not returning home till this morning, I
turn back to see Tucker watching me, his eyes full of
remorse.

“
Seeing as
though we had an eventful night last night, I’m guessing I should
walk you to class” Todd whispers in my ear, seemingly appearing out
of thin air, making me smile.

“
I guess you
should” I agree and tearing my eyes away from Tuckers turn to
leave.

“
Oh I don’t
have a phone anymore as I guess you know, so I’ll be getting a new
one as soon as my classes have finished for the day, leave your
number on the notice board in our room and I’ll send you my new
one” I tell Sophie as I walk away from all the stares and
whispers.

Todd
accompanied me to the rest of my classes and acted as a human wall
between me and Tucker, as he walked me back to my dorm after
shopping for a new phone I finally gave in to all the
gossip.

“
So what did I
miss, what did we get up to last night?” I ask
reluctantly.

“
Well some say
we were all over each other at the bar and couldn’t wait till we
got to a bed so just had the taxi stop at the park on the way home
and fell asleep in the grass” he smirks “And the rest think that we
made it back to mine but then you had some sort of breakdown and
got drunk in the park” he smiles sympathetically at that
one.

“
Great” I sigh
defeated.

“
And now
everyone’s talking about how you and Beth are fighting over
Tucker”

“
You’re not
serious?” I ask a little too loudly causing a few heads to turn.
“Out of all the rumours that ones definitely the most far fetched”
he raises an eyebrow at me and I guess my reaction probably falls
under the does protest too much category, but no one else knows
what he told her apart from Sophie and Matt. “Trust me, I could
happily never talk to him ever again and be happy” I
stress.

* *
*

The next five
days go by in a blur, I’m physically here but not mentally. I get
through my days going to from class to class, nodding in the right
places and taking down the notes, today is the first day I have sat
down with the group and had lunch normally I just walk around
campus in a daze, Beth has stayed away from me, in fact everyone
has stayed away from me, just letting me get on with it. Every now
and again I catch Sophie watching me looking worried and Tucker
watching me as if he’s struggling with something.

Every night I
wait for Sophie to fall asleep and then sneak out of the room, go
to my dad’s grave and cry myself to sleep there. I haven’t heard
from anyone back home but then I don’t expect to, I know
when
he
wants to see me he will. To be honest I am
really worried about what he will do to me when he eventually comes
to see me, I know it is going to be a lot worse than anything he
has ever done before. I’m going to have to be strong to pull
through because I know he might just try to kill me. I can’t. No I
won’t let him. I have to be strong enough to fight through
it.

“
Damn it
Brooke” I focus my eyes and frown at Matt who is shouting at me.
Everyone is watching me and Matt leans over and takes the fork out
of my hand, I look down and see blood trickling onto wrist, I had
be digging the fork into my palm. I didn’t feel a thing.

“
Umm .. sorry”
I mutter more to myself than anyone else.

“
What were you
thinking about to get you so angry?” Sophie asks me throwing a
pointed look at Tucker who pales slightly. I’m too focused on the
fact that I just cut myself with a fork and didn’t feel a thing,
how can I hurt so badly and not feel it? I need to be able to feel
it to know when can’t take no more, otherwise what use will it
be.

“
I hurt him” I
say to no one.

“
You hurt who
honey?” Sophie says softly.

“
I hit him …
and I couldn’t stop”

“
Who?” Sophie
asks sounding a little worried

I turn to
look at her “I made him bleed” I whisper horrified.

“
You went back
there?” the look she sends me tells me she thinks I’m beyond
stupid.

“
He was
bleeding and I couldn’t stop, I was so mad”

“
It’s okay,
try not to think about it” she assures me wrapping a protective arm
around my shoulders.

* *
*

As I pull on
my jacket and pick up

my keys, a
feeling of dread comes over me, it’s not bad enough to stop me
going though and I always get a feeling like this when I sneak out
at night but tonight it seems to be a bit stronger.

“
Brooke?”
Sophie’s quiet voice calls out to me.

“
I’m just
going for a walk Soph, I won’t be long, go back to sleep” I say
softly to her

“
I know you go
out every night, can’t you just tell me where you go so I know
you’re safe?” she asks, breaking my heart a little. I shake my head
and walk out the door. I don’t want anyone to know where I spend my
nights; they won’t understand and try to stop me doing
it.

My thoughts
briefly drift to Sophie and what a good friend she has been to me
since we first met as I make my way through the graveyard until I’m
stopped dead on my feet by a figure bent over my dad’s grave. I
frown and squint my eyes trying to see who it is, It’s a man, he’s
tall and he hasn’t heard me coming or if he has he is just ignoring
me. Something in his had catches the light and I feel the blood
drain from my face as I watch him swing the hammer in his hand
above his head then bring it down quickly, hitting the grave.
Instinct takes over and I’m running.

“
Noooooo!” I
scream so loud my chest hurts.

The man
swings around startled and I watch as my step dad throws his head
back and laughs at me. I don’t stop running towards him not taking
my eyes off the grave to see how much damage has been done so when
I reach him and he puts out an arm in front of me I’m not expecting
it and fall straight to the ground with a crash knocking the air
out of me. I try to get back up but he sits on top of me straddling
my stomach. I watched amazed at how calm I am when he raises a fist
and it crashes into my face. Blood flows from my nose and scream
out. I try to struggle against him but he’s too strong. I swing my
arms about at an attempt to hit him but he grabs them and pins them
above my head using his own.

“
I’m going to
enjoy watching you struggle. And I’m going to take you on top of
you’re fathers grave so he can see what a whore you really are” he
laughs down at me. He grabs my breast through my top and squeezes
it hard making me whimper. He shoves his mouth onto mine and I turn
my face to the side so he gets my cheek. He bites me and lifts his
head up. “Look at me” he shouts down at me. I turn my face to look
him in the eye. I don’t know why I do it but I spit at him, it goes
in his eye making him swear and close his eye just as his head
reaches down I hit it with my own wincing at the pain that flashes
above my eyes. He stumbles back off me and I struggle to stand but
he’s quicker than me and kicks me back down. The kicks keep coming
and I try my best to block them but my body starts getting tired.
When another kick doesn’t immediately follow I look up to see he’s
picked up his hammer. He can see me watching him horrified and
laughs again, I close my eyes and wait for the blow, the one I know
will end it all.