Vicious Circles (19 page)

The inner parts of my nose were burning and there were tears in my eyes. My heart was racing in my chest and I was expecting to drop dead of heart failure any moment. The reaction was nothing like New Years when I’d first used coke. The second time was far worse. I was almost short of breath but that was from my sheer and utter panic. Thinking any of my actions though was impossible, so grabbing my phone and calling Mason seemed like the natural thing to do.
 

“Hello?”
 

I knew he could hear me breathing.
 

“Fallyn, baby?
What’s going on?” He was instantly worried and at the time I couldn’t have cared less. In my eyes, I was about to die.
 

“Mason, something is wrong with me. I mean…I don’t know what’s going on. Fuck, I can’t tell you.” I stuttered and stammered through a sentence that made absolutely no sense.
 

“What? What is going on?” He demanded. “Calm down and tell me what you’ve done!” He was almost yelling and thinking back I could see why. I was scaring the hell out of him. I scared the hell out of myself.
 

“Nothing…well I don’t know.” I started to sob heavily. “I can’t tell you. I just can’t tell you.”

With that I ended the phone call.
 

He called back seven times and left seven voicemails. I didn’t answer his calls and I didn’t listen to his voicemails. After I stopped crying, I regained some of my wits and started to clean the white residue and the paraphernalia off of my coffee table. I blew my nose several times and took a good look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed from crying but my pupils were huge and the sight of me was absolutely shocking.
 

Lynn showed up at my apartment an hour after Mason’s last phone call to me. I swung the door open and just stood there, waiting for her to say something. She was dressed in shorts and a UCLA t-shirt. Mason had pulled her from bed to come check on me.
 

“Jesus, are you OK?” She asked as she came through the front door. She pulled me into a hug and continued to talk. “Mason called me scared out of his mind yelling something about you not making any sense. Fallyn, what is going on over here?”
 

I pulled away and wiped at the wet splotches on my face. “I…I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.”
 

“I didn’t drag my ass out of bed and halfway across LA to hear you tell me you don’t know what to say, Fallyn.” Her gaze bore into me and I shifted uncomfortably. “Mason was out of his mind and it took me ten minutes to convince him
not
to get on a plane and come home.”
 

The tension in my place grew as both Lynn and I stood there staring at one another. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell her I was coming down off of the biggest coke high I’d ever experienced. Granted I was terrified, but even that wasn’t enough to make me spill my secret.
 

“Maybe it was a panic attack or an anxiety attack. It was sort of like the one I had in Vancouver.”

My stomach started to churn just a little.
 

Lynn pulled me over to the couch and sat us both down. “Maybe it’s time you saw someone, a doctor, about these attacks.”
 

“No!” I stood up and crossed the room. “I’m not letting some shrink pick my brain apart and tell me I’m crazy because my mother was an irresponsible failure. I know all of that already.”
 

“This isn’t about your mother Fallyn. This is about you and
your
life right now.”
 

I spun until I was facing the wall. “My mother is dead anyway. I suppose you’re right.”
 

Lynn was next to me in an instant. “When did you find out?” She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at her. “Tell me.”
 

“Jill told me,” I said rolling my eyes. I didn’t feel any emotion over the death of my mother whatsoever. She had taken my sister from me and as far as I was concerned she was taking my life from me.
 

Lynn smoothed my hair and pulled me to her in a tight hug. She rocked me slightly and still I didn’t cry. My head was pounding and my nose burned. A sick feeling rose in my throat about the whole situation. I’d really gotten myself into some shit and I lacked the skills to cope with any of it. I was dating a good guy with a good head on his shoulders. I had a decent career and a decent income. I don’t know what had come over me.
 

“Mason would shit himself if he knew you were talking to her again, Fallyn. She is no good and you know that.” Lynn pulled away with a sigh.
 

I picked at a string on my shirt. “I know, I know. Lynn, please don’t tell him.”
 

A pained expression crossed her face. “This isn’t a good idea. I can’t be the secret keeper between you two. Do you realize what you’re asking me to do?”
 

My chest burned. I was a piece of shit, it was settled. “Just let me tell him, OK? Can you give me a few days?”
 

“He’s going to call me back and I really don’t feel comfortable lying to him!” Her voice rose in pitch.
 

“Fine just calm down,” I pleaded. “I’ll call him and tell him tonight, I promise.”
 

Lynn let out a slow breath. “Fallyn, you are my closest friend and I hate seeing you like this. You need to talk to someone and if I have to get Mason involved I will.”
 

I crossed my arms defiantly. “Mason doesn’t need my bullshit right now. He’s got to focus on the tour.”
 

“Mason
loves
you. That’s all I’m going to say; I have work in the morning and so do you.” Lynn gathered her keys and cell phone before laying a hand on my left shoulder. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I left your late Christmas gift on the coffee table, use it wisely.”
 

She left, but not before giving me a stern
look. I knew she meant business. I thought back to Christmas and it seemed worlds away. Mason has been so happy on Christmas morning. I fell to the couch and grabbed the white envelope Lynn had left for me. In all the excitement of the past week I’d forgotten all about the belated gift she’d promised.
 

As soon as I opened the envelope and pulled the folder out, I felt sick. It was an airline voucher good for one open ended ticket. Groaning out of guilt I pulled the small Christmas tree shaped
card out and flipped it open.
 

Fallyn,
 

I know how upset you were about Mason going out on tour so I thought this would help you out. Just make sure to bring me a shot glass back from wherever you end up.
 

Merry Christmas
 

Love,
 

Lynn
 

I’d never felt so unworthy in my life and I almost screamed. My stomach rolled with guilt at all my lies and deceptions I’d committed since I started medicating myself. I was my mother and there was no way around it. My sister never had a chance. She never had the chance I had at life and I was on the fast track to ruining everything I’d worked for. Eventually everyone would discover I was a fraud.
 

Without too much thought, I slipped my flip-flops on and grabbed my purse. I drove my car into downtown Los Angeles looking for the person who I thought I’d never see again. After about twenty minutes I spotted him leaning against the side of a club Mason’s band had played many times. He noticed my car and sauntered over to the window. I rolled it down.
 

“Thought you quit…” He left the thought open.
 

“I don’t want to talk about this, Tony. Just give me enough to get me through until next week.”
 

He slipped into the passenger seat and pulled a bag of Percocet from his pocket. “Does your man know about this?” he asked as he counted.
 

“Just count faster so I can get out of here.” Who would have known that the nameless bouncer I’d met months ago would end up being my dealer.
 

“Here you go, sweetie.” He slid back out of my car. “Tell your guy I said hello.” He tapped the car once and I drove off.
 

Chapter 18

My therapist always says that my biggest problem while using was that I wasn’t held responsible for anything. I didn’t pay any certain price because my own view of myself was the lowest of the low to begin with.
 

February
2010

The unthinkable happened to me at the very end of January. I was ‘let go’ from the movie I was working on. The movie I stayed in LA for dumped me. The director claimed I was hard to work with and I wasn’t focusing enough for his vision. It was a load of shit. I was out before most of my filming had been done and some other girl was brought in my place.
 

One week after I’d lost my job I got a call that turned my world upside down once again. Somehow I’d been recommended for a studio film; a big studio film. I was offered a lead in a movie that I didn’t have to audition for.
 

Things with Lynn had gotten better gradually but the truth was I just got better at hiding the things that bothered her. I’d become a damn good actor. I had so many
reasons, or justifications rather, swirling around in my mind for all my unsavory actions. Of course, the unexpected time off meant I could go see Mason sooner than planned. Lynn was thrilled that I was putting her present to good use.
 

Maybe it was fate or maybe it was dumb luck, but my plane would land bright and early on Valentine’s Day. My bags were packed and ready by the front door even though I wasn’t leaving for a few days. I suppose I felt time would pass quicker if I rushed it along myself. As usual I was wrong. Somewhere deep inside I was hoping that I wouldn’t have the time to get in my car and go find Jill. I couldn’t say that I was addicted to snorting white powder off of odd surfaces but the combination of the cocaine and the Percocet was something I couldn’t forget.
 

I paced the space between my coffee table and small entertainment center erratically. I’d already taken my fill, or what I guessed was my fill, of pills for the day. I tried to ration myself which didn’t make any sense but I felt better about the whole thing if I did.
 

My phone vibrated softly in my pocket and I yanked it out quickly to see who was calling. There was a time not so long before that moment where I always pleaded silently to let it be Mason.

That night, I pleaded for it to be Jill.
 

“Where are you?” I accosted Jill with the question without even saying hello. Our relationship was nonexistent and I didn’t bother with formalities.
 

“Don’t be such a bitch. You sound strung out, Fallyn.”
 

“Fuck you. Just tell me where you are and stop trying to act concerned. I’m leaving in a few days.”
 

Jill laughed and sighed. “I’m on Sunset. Tony and I had some dinner.”
 

My chest tightened ever so slightly.
“Since when are you and Tony hanging out?”
 

“I fucking told you before. Don’t you remember or are you that high?”
 

She had mentioned that. It scared me a little that certain parts of my life had started to black out.

“Can I pick you up?” I almost begged.
 

“Fine.
I’m just down the street from the bar. I’ll wait here for you.”
 

I closed my phone without saying goodbye and grabbed my purse from the table by the front door. I eyed my two bags waiting for me but there was no guilt. If I didn’t do what I had to do before I left, there would be no way to play it cool around
Mason. Of course there was the chance he could see right through me. That was a chance I was willing to take.