Vicious Circles (15 page)

“Fallyn, the asshole gene exists in anything with a penis. Unfortunately, it always shows up at the wrong time.”
 

“He sent you to check on me didn’t he?”
 

She laughed lightly. “He suggested I come over to make sure you were alright but I would have come anyway. We’re friends. With that said, you should go get yourself together; I’m taking you out for dinner.”
 

I watched her silently, trying to guess how serious she was. She stuck one hand on her hip and glared when I didn’t move from the couch.
 

“Fine, I’m going.” I pushed myself off the couch and trudged off to the bathroom to dry my hair.
 

Lynn was waiting patiently for me when I reemerged looking human enough to venture out in public. We ended up driving to Santa Monica and up Pacific Highway to eat at a small out of the way seafood place. It was busy but it was busy with locals. Our table was on the small deck and I
sort of enjoyed the warm sun rays beating against my pale skin.
 

“How are you really?” Lynn asked as the waiter placed a salad in front of each of us.
 

I chewed slowly, trying to choose my words correctly. “I don’t know how to explain it. I was hurt when he told me what happened but today I missed him. I just want to forgive him and get back to normal but there’s that small part of me that’s holding me back.”
 

“I’m not on Mason’s side but I do have to say…he loves you. Anyone can see that. With that said, only you can decide where you two go from here. It doesn’t matter how much advice I give you; it’s your decision.”
 

I took a deep breath and a small bite of my salad. “It’s hard for me to judge him, Lynn. I’ve made so many bad choices that it seems fucking ridiculous.”
 

Lynn paused and looked at me. “You two spend so much time together. Don’t you think
its okay to do your own thing every now and then?”
 

I looked at her stupidly.
 

“I don’t mean that Mason’s fuck up was OK, Fallyn,” she said laughing. “I mean, you and Mason never spent any real time apart and now you’re lost without each other.”
 

“He’s lost?” I questioned. “It’s only been a day; that seems silly.”
 

“I haven’t seen him. We didn’t really talk much before you and I became friends but I could tell when he called that something was wrong.”
 

I watched the waves roll in loudly. They crashed almost violently against the beach and the beachgoers. My chest began to ache at the thought of not having Mason in my world ever again.

I could feel my eyes begin to burn so I excused myself from the table and made my way to the bathroom. The restroom was cool and I hid away in a stall just in case Lynn came walking in. I pulled the small case with my medication from the bag I’d brought along. I didn’t need water; I could swallow two, or in that case three, no problem. There was no thought in my mind as the pills disappeared down my esophagus and into my stomach. Just knowing the light and airy feeling I would get in a matter of an hour made me smile.
 

Lynn raised an eyebrow at me when I returned but I just waved it off. I already knew I would let Mason right back in. Except, my goal to be the best he’d ever had was on in full force.
 

By the time my lunch with Lynn was over I was completely relaxed. Somehow, the fact that I had gone from taking one Percocet to taking three Percocet seemed to escape my notice. What I
did
notice was the way I felt afterwards. I felt free and it was as if all my issues melted away. I could breathe easily and most importantly I could think clearly.
 

“You’re sure you will be all right?” Lynn asked when she pulled up in front of my building.
 

Nothing would ruin my outlook on life while I was in my drug induced happy place. “I’ll be fine. I always am.”
 

Lynn smiled although she didn’t look too convinced. She hugged me tightly and I climbed from the car. I bounced up the stairs and came to a screeching halt when I reached my door. Mason was sitting, back against the door, staring me dead in the face. He looked worn and his eyes were carrying bags that suggested to me he hadn’t slept enough.
 

“Hey,” I said dryly when I sunk down next to him.
 

His right arm slid around my shoulders instinctively and my head fell to rest against his. “I fucked things up.”
 

I snapped my eyes closed. Sitting next to him felt like the best idea in the world and I could have cared less what happened at that moment. His body heat permeated my
thin tank top. I could have cried out in happiness simply because he was there.
 

“We can get through this you know? We’ll be fine.” I didn’t know if I was convincing him or myself.
 

“I don’t know why I did it, Fallyn. When I said I loved you, I meant it and I would never throw those words around carelessly.” His voice was tainted with sadness and it broke my heart.
 

I climbed up and onto his lap. I straddled him right there on my doorstep and grabbed his face between both of my hands. I pressed my lips lightly against his and whispered, “We’ll be fine. I love you too.”
 

Silently, I abandoned his lap and let us both into the apartment. He followed me around as I changed, saying nothing. It was oddly comforting just to have his scent around me, to have him breathing in the same space as myself. I couldn’t quite believe the change in myself from earlier in the day to then. Obviously, Mason couldn’t either.
 

“Fallyn, we should talk about this. I don’t think pretending like it didn’t happen is such a good idea.” He grabbed my upper arm as I turned from the fridge with a beer in hand. He pulled me closer. “What’s going on with you? Your pupils are huge.”
 

I wrenched my arm away from him and sloshed the beer on my kitchen floor in the process.

“Nothing’s going on with me.” I grabbed for the paper towels to clean up the beer before it got sticky.
 

“Are you high?” he asked in a concerned voice.
 

“No! I’m not high, OK?” It hurt to lie to him. It damn near killed me. The little voice in the back of my head was screaming at me. It told me I was traveling; break neck speed, down a dead end road.
 

Shut the fuck up little voice. I’m in control now.
 

Mason knelt down to my level as I swiped the paper towels around on the floor. He lifted my chin with his right index finger until our eyes met. “What I did…that other girl, she had nothing to do with you. No one can be you in my eyes. So, you can tell me anything and I’ll always be here.”
 

I let my feet slip from under me so I landed on my ass. I burst into tears. “I couldn’t understand why. I just wanted to know why, Mason.” It was a wonder he understood what I was saying through my sobs.
 

“It won’t ever happen again.” There was finality to his tone that I knew all too well. He was telling me the truth. He pulled me to him, ignoring the still damp beer spill.
 

“What happens when you leave for the tour?” I mumbled. The crying had calmed quickly. I was truly turning into a bipolar mess.
 

Mason sighed. He didn’t like talking about him leaving. “When the time comes, we’ll work something out, promise.” His fingers ran absentmindedly through my hair.
 

We sat on my kitchen floor for the longest time, just feeling one another breathe. That was my favorite part about having Mason in my life. There was a time in my life when I didn’t think I needed anyone, but Mason weaseled his way in and I couldn’t live without him. It would cause me physical pain to lose him.
 

That little voice was right.
 

Chapter 15

November - Thanksgiving 2009
 

“I’m no genius like you Mason, but I think I can cook a turkey.”
 

“Fallyn, you are supposed to baste it every hour. That’s all I’m saying.” He held his hands up and backed away as if I were going to smack him.
 

“Are you Martha Stewart all of a sudden? Jesus.” I pulled a spoon from my silverware drawer and opened the oven to baste the turkey. “What time are the boys coming over?”
 

Mason opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. “They’ll be here around five but in ‘man’ time it’s really six thirty.” He grinned and ducked the oven mitt I tossed at his head.
 

We had talked long and hard about what to do for Thanksgiving. I was in no position to meet

Mason’s family for obvious reasons and I was also working on a small independent film. He didn’t seem upset about not going home for the holiday but I suspected that Christmas would be a different story.
 

The tension between Mason and I was starting to lessen which made my daily life a hell of
alot easier. It wasn’t that I held anything that happened against him. Things just never totally went back to normal between us and if I were truly honest with myself, it was me. He didn’t have any trouble treating me like he did before the ‘kiss’ heard round the world. I didn’t love him any less; in fact I loved him more. Even though I was a pretty smart chick, I didn’t stop to think that maybe it was the ridiculous amount of Percocet I swallowed every day. If anyone knew, they sure as hell didn’t say anything to me.
 

I’d managed to float down the red carpet on Mason’s arm for the Open Skies premiere higher than a damn kite and no one said a thing. He’d smiled and laughed all night while I mingled with people I’d never seen before. The odd thing was
, I made some amazing contacts at the after party. Of course, since that night the photographers were relentless when we went out in Hollywood, but I didn’t care. I had an amazing man that a lot of ladies wanted and he didn’t look twice at any of them.
 

“Are you sure you’re OK with this?” Mason asked me for the fifth time since I’d gotten out of bed.
 

“If you ask me again, I’m kicking you in your junk.” I glared at him playfully. “I’ve never had an actual Thanksgiving dinner and I owe it to your friends. I want to make nice.”
 

His phone rang and he checked the screen before setting it back down. “Did you invite Chris?”
 

I tried to answer as nonchalantly as I could. “Well, Lynn sort of invited him, but I didn’t stop her. I still feel bad about the dinner that night in Vancouver.”
 

“Fallyn, I think you’re taking on too much here. Can you actually handle all these people in the apartment?”
 

I looked around my place, appraising the good amount of free room I had.
“Why the fuck not?” I turned and started to slice some potatoes. I was high as a kite, what did I care if I had a shit ton of people around me?
 

Mason wandered off toward the bedroom, leaving me to my own devices. I heard the shower turn on so I turned on my iPod and speakers. I wasn’t the best cook but I managed. Of course, I hadn’t cooked for so many people before but I had a brand new recipe book, courtesy of Lynn. I was a little upset that she couldn’t make it to our dinner but some people had traditions and family to go with them.
 

The music was sort of loud and I didn’t hear Mason when he returned to the kitchen in nothing but a pair of jeans. He turned the music off and I turned to see what had happened. He stood there with his damp hair and thrust a small purple pill box at my face. I looked on in horror, afraid to touch the thing.