Veil of Scars (4 page)

A soft knock sounded on my door, and my hands balled in the sheets. When the door creaked opened, I wished I had had the presence of mind to lock it.

"Can I come in?" It was Char, not Sam.

"I guess." I rolled over and fixed my jeans before sitting up.

She came and sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry we pushed."

I nodded keeping my eyes downcast. What were they going to think of me tomorrow? If I lost them as friends, I didn't know what I would do.

"It's all right. It's just not for me, and I don't want it to come between our friendship." I blew out a breath and stared at the wall, knowing Sam was some place behind. It was a lie, and I hoped to God she couldn't see through it.

"You may not think of yourself as conventional, or cut out for love, but you know what, Steven? You’re the most amazing guy I know and that includes Sam. You deserve love." She took one of my hands in hers. "Look at me."

I obeyed. She had a bit of mascara smudged in the corners of her bright eyes, and her lipstick was mostly worn off. I wondered if some of it resided on my abs. The thought made me smile a little.

"I understand if it can't be us. But think about it. We don't trust anyone as much as you, and it won't change anything, we promise. Even if you don't like it." She rubbed her thumb over mine. "Think about it, please?"

I swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay."

“Just so you know, I made Sam let me talk to you first." She got up and left and was soon replaced by him.

He closed the door and lingered at the foot of the bed. I gave him one look then flopped to my back to stare at the ceiling.

"I was trying..."

"I don't want to be thrown a bone by you and your girlfriend. I love Char to death, but this feels so wrong." Tears burned at the corners of my eyes.

When he didn't answer, I picked up my head to look at him. He opened and closed his mouth a few times.

"I wasn't looking for a hook up when I told you. I'm not even sure what the feelings mean. I just had to get it off my chest."

"You said that." He pushed a hand into his hair. He looked worn out.

I dropped my head back to the pillows. "Why'd you do this?"

"I was trying to help. Charlie brought it up last summer before we came here."

I sat straight up, my eyes wide. "What?"

"Not like that. I mean, she wanted to see if we could find someone who might like to join us on occasion. We talked about a girl, but when I brought you up the other day, she jumped on it." He crawled up on the bed, coming up behind me to nuzzle into the back of my neck.

I sighed and leaned into him. It was almost impossible to resist him. “Why, Sam? You said yourself you're not gay."

Again he didn't answer.

"If you're not going to speak, it's not going to happen." I stared to pull out of his embrace, but he wrapped an arm around my chest and tightened his grip.

"Maybe I'm bi-curious, but it's different with you." I felt him blow out a breath over the back of my neck. “Plus, I already do this stuff with you." He ran his nose up the nape of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. "And kissing you made me hard."

I couldn't help the smile that curled over my lips. "I kind of like hearing that."

The fact that he was attracted to me mended some of the hurt over him not loving me. Or did it? When he finally got up and left me to my thoughts, my mind wandered. Was I really happy to have attraction over love? Attraction baffled me. I'd gone so long without feeling it and now for those feelings to surface after so long. I was so fucked up. There couldn't even be an explanation for what I was.

Who wanted lust which faded? The more I worked the thought over in my mind, I wasn't sure. Did that mean my body and looks were better than my mind? I forced my hands into my hair, yanking on it and wishing for sleep. I couldn't let him take up any more of my thoughts. It was already slowly eating me from the inside out.

He didn’t love me. He didn’t love me. He never said he loved me.

It dug in and rooted its way into the pit of my insecurity, telling me I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve love. I buried my face in the pillow as if I could hide from the shame.

Chapter Six

I slept off and on, thrashing around my bed until I was tangled in the sheets and glistening with sweat. I got up as the sun peeked over the campus buildings shining its first light into my room. I kicked off the jeans I’d fallen into bed in and pulled on a soft pair of flannel pants, skipping a shirt. I shuffled out of my room and stopped in my tracks when I saw Char standing in the kitchen, setting a pot of water for tea on the stove.

She turned before I could escape her view and offered me a shy smile, tucking her hair behind her ear. She had bits of foundation and eyeliner smudged in place by her pillow.

"Good morning," she said softly, her volume telling me Sam was still asleep. "Do you want a cup of tea?”

What I wanted was to hide, but I padded across the room anyway and got two mugs out of the cupboard. "Sure."

Her grin grew as I got out the big container of tea. The box was hand carved, and she’d gotten it from her grandmother. I’d seen it for the first time when she’d had me over to her house in high school about a month after Valentine’s Day. Her father had a fancy espresso machine, and she'd offered to make me a cup, but I told her I didn't care for coffee and preferred tea. To my surprise, she didn’t laugh but told me she felt the same. She'd gotten out her grandmother's box, and it was chock full of every kind of tea imaginable. I just kept flipping through the teabags, unable to decide on which one I wanted. She laughed at the time and picked one for us both. It kind of became a tradition. We spent the next few years trying a different variety whenever we were alone. The smile our “tea time” had given her back then was like the one she wore now.

I'd never told her why coffee turned my stomach. Maybe I never would, but the smell of the drink took me right back to how my father used to “sober” up with the stuff, how his breath smelled when he got near.

I sat up on the counter as she took the kettle off the stove. She handed me the box, and I skimmed my fingers through the different colored bags, stopping at one labeled “calming”. She poured steaming water into our oversized university mugs then grabbed the sugar. I didn't add any to mine, but she added three heaping tablespoons to hers and then a bag of black peach tea. The aroma of the two mingled in the air. She picked up her cup, holding it in both hands as she leaned against the counter and sipped. I picked mine up and rested it on one knee to let it cool, not wanting to scald my tongue.

"You know it's not just about sex for me, right?”

My gaze darted up to hers. It took a lot of control not to drop my mouth open and stammer the first thing that came to mind. I swallowed hard then spoke, "What do you mean?"

She looked down at her cup then back up at me. "I've never told him this, or you, but I liked you first."

Memories of that first year of dinners at her house, Valentine’s Day, and all the little gestures I had never read into hit me. I saw them in a light I’d never let myself consider. There was nothing I could do to stop it. My mug went crashing to the floor and shattered into pieces. Charlie gasped and jumped back, spilling tea all over herself.

"Shit, I'm sorry." I jumped down to help. Pain lanced through my foot and spiked up my leg. I fell to my ass, feeling tiny pieces of glass imbedded in the sole of my foot. I slammed a hand over my mouth before I could howl out in agony.

"Don't move. Let me go get you shoes and wake Sam to help."

I shook my head vigorously as I bit back the pain. "Don't wake him up. Please. I'm enough of a mess. I don't want him to see me like this."

She nodded, carefully stepping out of the kitchen and going to my room. She returned with a pair of my slippers on and helped me into the sandals. She gave me her hand, navigating me away from the mess.

Blood poured from my foot, and I had to keep my weight off the heel. Once I was brushed off and safely on the couch, she handed me a wet paper towel, then started on the mess. I picked up my foot to inspect the damage. When I saw all the red fluid, my head started to swim. I blinked a few times trying to clear it. She was back by my side.

"You and blood, I swear. I'll get the mess after we take care of this." She moved my hand and pressed the wet towel over the wound before placing my hand over it. "Don't look at it. I'm going to get the first aid kit."

I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes, feeling like a fool. I was glad Charlie was taking care of me and not Sam. There were so many things I was more comfortable letting her see. I never had to hide myself, just like she didn’t around me

“All right, let me take a look." She cleaned the wound and started to check for glass inside it.

"Now tell me why you don't want him to know?"

My breath caught in my throat, and words wouldn't come. "Because ... I have a really hard time showing him weakness. He knows so much, and I feel like I am weak compared to him."

A smile curled over her pale pink lips. Her messy morning hair curled around her head like a halo. She was more beautiful natural, where her personality shined through.

"You know I've struggled with this our whole relationship."

The way she'd sat sobbing in the locker room came to mind, and I knew it was true—so many other instances came to mind. She took one of my hands and kissed the palm.

"But you can trust him. I know it's easier between you and me, but I have started opening up to him, like how I felt when he would blow me off for you all the time, and it made us that much closer. He is a really good friend."

I dragged my teeth over my lip ring. "I'm not good at sharing my feelings with anyone." All those nights I had lain next to him and could have told him I needed him. All the nights I lay alone in bed in college missing what we'd had. I fought back the moisture that brimmed at the corners of my eyes, hoping Charlie wouldn't see it.

"We all need to get better at that. It's still hard for me." She dropped her hands away from my foot and exhaled. "Sometimes I've felt I was closer to you emotionally than him, and he's my boyfriend."

"I've felt that way, too," I admitted.

"But he is both of our best friend, and my everything, so we need to make an effort. It's not fair to him that we don't trust him for seemingly no reasons."

"We are scared." We were scared for the same reason. We both loved him, and we both knew we could lose him. It was terrifying.

She cleared off the more blood and frowned. "It's kinda iffy. Do you want me to take you to the ER?"

"No, it’s been a long twenty-four hours. I really don't want to go." I watched her small hands tenderly clean the wound. She was gentle and loving, and I remembered what had started this whole mess.

She pushed her hair back with both hands and dug a bandage out of the kit. "I'm going to butterfly it. This might hurt a little." She pinched at the cut making me wince. "There, all better."

Keeping her hands on my foot, she looked up from where she sat on the floor. There was everything I’d never had as a child all wrapped up in this tiny woman. Charlie was all heart, and instead of guilt, I felt lucky she cared for me, maybe even more than Sam did.

"You had a thing for me?" I leaned forward and took her by the hand pulling her next to me. She settled into the crook of my arm.

"I did." She nuzzled into my neck. "It was everything a schoolgirl crush should be. You were so kind and cute." Her cheeks grew redder as she spoke. "I kinda never got over it. You're like my big, cuddly protector." She tried to shrug it off, then added, "I think that's why it was easier to get closer to you."

I knew then I was in love with her, too. I always had been. There was so much more I shared with her, attraction aside. She and Sam were the only two people in the world I loved, and I would have done anything for them. But how could I love them both and yet love them so differently?

"How come you never told me before?"

Her head dropped to my chest. "Because it was easier with him. I knew you were my friend, but I started to think you had no interest in me as more."

"It never even occurred to me that I could feel that way for anyone. I still don't know if I could … be like you and Sam are." I pushed my fingers into her hair. This touching was so easy, but when it went remotely sexual, everything became foreign to me.

"You should at least try before you give up on it." She touched her lips to the side of my jaw, then brushed her nose over the heated patch of skin. "Did it at least feel good, what I did?" She paused then corrected herself. "We did."

A shiver rolled down my spine, and my eyes lulled half closed. "It felt good," I whispered.

I could feel her smile against my face. "Remember what you mean to us. It would never change anything."

"I love you, Charlie, I think I always have."

"I love you, too, Steven."

I pulled her tightly against me, my mind still whirling.

****

The rest of the day passed quietly. We glided in and out of the apartment, moving around each other with ease, like nothing had transpired the night before. As I sat and stared at the mountain of homework I had, the back of my mind worked through the situation. I would answer a math problem, then tussle with an angle of the emotional side of things. By the early evening, I felt like I had been fumbling with an impossible Rubik's cube. I could solve the physical one in less than two minutes, with my eyes closed, behind my back, but with the emotions I was lost. No matter how I turned the situation, there was always an impossible feat, or a disastrous outcome, I would have to face.

I tossed down my pencil, and Charlie looked up at me. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I've just had enough of thinking for the night." She leaned into Sam as they both read from their textbooks.

"I'm right there with you, babe." She tossed her book aside and tugged the tie out of her hair, letting the soft curls fall around her face. "Want to watch a movie?"

"No, I mean I'm tired of thinking. If I think about this shit any more, I'm going to lose it."

That caught Sam's attention, and he looked up from his book. "What's going on?"

"I want to try it so I can stop thinking."

"Try it?" Charlie chewed on her lip looking hopeful.

"You serious, Steve?" Sam asked.

I nodded, not sure at all, but anything was better than the hell I was putting myself through. "Let's try again."

No one said anything.

I sat straight up and put my hands on my knees. "How does this work?"

"Want a drink?" Sam detangled himself from Char and was getting to his feet.

"No, I think sober would be better,” I muttered at his back.

That didn't stop him. He went to the kitchen and took a swig directly from the tequila bottle.

Charlie gathered up her things and put them away. Sam took a few more drinks, and my face fell.

"If it's stressing you out we don't have to..." I said as I watched him.

"I need to relax. This is my first time for this, too." His words made me wince.

"Can you not?" Charlie shot him a harsh look. "Go brush your teeth."

It finally looked like Sam had caught on, and he shoved the bottle back in the freezer. "I'm an idiot."

"It's okay." I wrung my hands in my lap, and Charlie came to sit next to me.

"Any time you want me or him to stop or go slower, tell us, okay?" She smoothed her hand up my chest and brushed her nose over the base of my neck.

I turned into her gesture, brushing my lips over her temple. Instead of slowing down my thoughts sped up, whirling around my head in overdrive. I didn't know if I could do this.

When Sam returned, he took my hand and dragged me toward their bedroom. Once inside the dark room, he pushed me playfully and I stumbled back in the direction of the bed.

"Get in bed."

He started to strip quickly, and I awkwardly pushed my jeans off as I lay back on the bed. Charlie undressed more sensually at the foot of the bed for us to watch. Sam lay down beside me, lazily stroking his fingers over my naked form as we watched her. It struck me that women were more attractive than men were. I'd never noticed before. The soft curves of her body were beautiful, but my attention was never fully on her. I was too mesmerized by Sam so close and naked. I'd seen much of his body for years, as he wore only a scrap of fabric to cover himself when he swam, but this was different. He was laid bare to me. He pushed his hand down his abs to coil around himself. The very act of opening himself up to this experience with me, affected me deeply.

I panted, losing the breath that was in my lungs. The way he took himself in hand as his cock grew stirred something unknown inside me. My fantasy was interrupted by Charlie's thin body sliding in between us. She turned to Sam and took his mouth. I was left to watch her from behind as she rolled into him.

I wasn't upset watching them. I had seen them touch each other for years. It gave me some time to ease into things, and I was grateful. I stroked my fingers over the curve of her hip, studying the contours of her body. She really was more stunning naked than I could have ever imagined through her modest clothes. I felt broken not being attracted to either of them. The idea was clear, but in practice it was over my head. Confidence exuded from her as they touched and kissed.