Vampires Need Not...Apply? (38 page)

I felt my face involuntarily contort. She wasn’t just disturbed, she was batshit crazy.

“Come to my house tomorrow morning, nine a.m. sharp.” She began digging in her purse again. “My lawyer slash Twister coach, Rochell, will have the papers ready along with a Welcome Handbook. I suggest you read it. There will be a pop quiz, and Rochell doesn’t mess around.”

I stepped away from the table toward the door. “I don’t know who you are, but I said no, and I meant it. Stay the hell away from me!”

That something in my gut, which had told me to run, now screamed at the top of its lungs.

I listened.

I bolted onto the bustling street filled with evening holiday shoppers making their way down the snow-covered sidewalks. But when I glanced over my shoulder, back toward the corner café with its floor-to-ceiling windows, the madwoman wasn’t inside or on the street.

I stopped in my tracks and shook my head.

Had I dreamed the entire thing? Had some deranged woman dressed like pink cotton candy, using a scuba mask as a headband, just propositioned me to be the surrogate mother of her brother’s baby for one million dollars?

Nooo.

I seriously needed some sleep. Or therapy.

Baktun:
Twenty cycles of the Mayan calendar equal to 144,000 days or approximately 394 years.

Black Jade:
Found only in a particular mine located in southern Mexico, this jade has very special supernatural properties, including the ability to absorb supernatural energy—in particular, god energy. When worn by humans, it is possible for them to have physical contact with a god. If injected, it can make a person addicted to doing bad things. If the jade is fueled with dark energy and then released, it can be used as a weapon. Chaam personally likes using it to polish his teeth.

Book of the Oracle of Delphi:
This mystical text from 1400 BC is said to have been created by one of the great oracles at Delphi and can tell the future. As the events in present time change the future, the book’s pages magically rewrite themselves. The demigods use this book in Book #2 to figure out when and how to kill the vampire queen. Helena also reads it while their captive, and learns she must sacrifice her mortality to save Niccolo.

Cenote:
Limestone sinkholes connected to a subterranean water system. They are found in Central America and southern Mexico and were once believed by the Mayans to be sacred portals to the afterlife. Such smart humans! They were right. Except cenotes are actually portals to the realm of the gods.

(If you have never seen a cenote, do a quick search on the Internet for “cenote photos,” and you’ll see how freaking cool they are!)

Demilords:
(Spoiler alert for Book #2!) This is a group of immortal badass vampires who’ve been infused with the light of the gods. They are extremely difficult to kill and hate their jobs (killing Obscuros) almost as much as they hate the gods who control them.

Maaskab:
Originally a cult of bloodthirsty Mayan priests who believed in the dark arts. It is rumored they are responsible for bringing down their entire civilization with their obsession for human sacrifices (mainly young female virgins). Once Chaam started making half-human children, he decided all firstborn males would make excellent Maaskab due to their proclivity for evil.

Mocos, Mobscuros, O’scabbies:
Nicknames for when you join Maaskab with Obscuros to create a brand-new malevolent treat.

Obscuros:
Evil vampires who do not live by the Pact and who like to dine on innocent humans since they really do taste the best.

The Pact:
An agreement between the gods and good vampires that dictates the dos and don’ts. There are many parts to it, but the most important rules are vampires are not allowed to snack on good people (called Forbiddens), they must keep their existence a secret, and they are responsible for keeping any rogue vampires in check.

Payal:
Although the gods can take humans to their realm and make them immortal, Payals are the true genetic offspring of the gods but are born mortal, just like their human mothers. Only firstborn children inherit the gods’ genes and manifest their traits. If the firstborn happens to be female, she is a Payal. If male, well… then you get something kind of yucky (see definition of Maaskab)!

The Tablet:
A Mayan relic made of black jade. It has the power to create portals to other dimensions and to another moment in time.

Uchben:
An ancient society of scholars and warriors who serve as the gods’ eyes and ears in the human world. They also do the books and manage the gods’ earthly assets.

Vamp-ubus, Incu-pire:
The saucy combination of an incubus and a vampire.

Although every culture around the world has their own names and beliefs related to beings of worship, there are actually only fourteen gods. And since the gods are able to access the human world only through the portals called cenotes, located in the Yucatán, the Mayans were big fans.

The gods often refer to each other as brother and sister, but the truth is they are just another species of the Creator and completely unrelated.

Acan—God of Intoxication and Wine:
Also known as Belch, Acan has been drunk for a few thousand years. He hopes to someday trade places with Votan because he’s tired of his flabby muscles and beer belly.

Ah-Ciliz—God of Solar Eclipses:
Called A.C. by his brethren, Ah-Ciliz is generally thought of as the party pooper because of his dark attitude.

Akna—Goddess of Fertility:
You either love her or you hate her.

Backlum Chaam—God of Male Virility:
He’s responsible for discovering black jade, figuring out how to procreate with humans, and kicking off the chain of events that will eventually lead to the Great War.

Camaxtli—Goddess of the Hunt:
Also known as Fate, Camaxtli holds a special position among the gods, since no one dares challenge her. When Fate has spoken, that’s the end of the conversation.

Colel Cab—Mistress of Bees:
Because really, where would we all be without the bees?

Goddess of Forgetfulness:
Um… I forget her name. Sorry.

Ixtab—Goddess of Suicide:
Ixtab is generally described as a loner. Could it be those dead critters she carries around? But don’t judge her so hastily. You never know what truly lies behind that veil of black she wears.

K’ak:
The history books remember him as K’ak Tiliw Chan Yopaat, ruler of Copán in the 700s AD. King K’ak (don’t you just love that name? Tee-hee-hee…) is one of Cimil’s favorite brothers. We’re not really sure what he does, but he can throw bolts of lightning.

Kinich Ahau—ex–God of the Sun:
Also known by many other names, depending on the culture, Kinich likes to go by Nick these days. He’s also now a vampire—something he’s actually not so bummed about, except that the sifting dimension has been closed (something he’s always wanted to do) and the love of his life is filled with sunshine. Talk about hot sex…

Máax—The One No One Speaks Of:
His story is a bit of a mystery, but all will be revealed in Book #5,
Accidentally… Over?

Votan—God of Death and War:
Also known as Odin, Wotan, Wodan, God of Drums (he has no idea how the hell he got that title; he hates the drums), and God of Multiplication (okay, he is pretty darn good at math so that one makes sense). These days, Votan goes by Guy Santiago (it’s a long story—read Book #1), but despite his deadly tendencies, he’s all heart. He’s now engaged to Emma Keane.

Yum Cimil—Goddess of the Underworld:
Also known as Ah-Puch by the Mayans, Mictlantecuhtli (try saying that one ten times) by the Aztec, Grim Reaper by the Europeans, Hades by the Greeks… you get the picture! Despite what people say, Cimil is actually a female, adores a good bargain (especially garage sales) and the color pink. She’s also batshit crazy.

Zac Cimi—Bacab of the North:
What the heck is a Bacab? According to the gods’ folklore, the Bacabs are the four eldest and most powerful of the gods. Zac, however, has yet to discover his true gifts, although he is physically the strongest. Once thought to be the God of Love, we now know differently by the end of this book.

Andrus:
Ex-Demilord (vampire who’s been given the gods’ light), now just a demigod after his maker, the vampire queen, died. According to Cimil, his son, who hasn’t been born yet, is destined to marry Helena and Niccolo’s daughter.

Anne:
Not telling.

Antonio Acero:
Don’t want to put any spoilers here, so let’s just say he’s a hunky, playboy Spaniard with a dirty mouth and a dark secret.

Brutus:
One of Gabrán’s elite Uchben warriors. He doesn’t speak much, but that’s because he and his team are telepathic. They are also immortal (a gift from the gods) and next in line to be Uchben chiefs.

Emma Keane:
A reluctant Payal who can split a man right down the middle with her bare hands. She is engaged to Votan (aka Guy Santiago) and really wants to kick the snot out of Tommaso, the man who betrayed her.

Father Xavier:
Once a priest at the Vatican, Xavier is now the Uchben’s top scholar and historian. He has a thing for jogging suits, Tyra Banks, and Cimil.

Gabrán:
One of the Uchben chiefs and a very close friend of the gods. The chiefs have been given the gods’ light and are immortal—a perk of the job.

Gabriela:
Emma Keane’s grandmother and one of the original Payals. She now leads the Maaskab at the young age of eightysomething.

Helena Strauss:
Once human, Helena is now a vampire and married to Niccolo DiConti. She has a half-vampire daughter, Matty, who is destined to marry Andrus’s son, according to Cimil.

Jess:
Not telling.

Julie Trudeau:
Penelope’s mother.

Niccolo DiConti:
Ex–General of the Vampire Army. He is the interim vampire leader now that the queen is dead, because the army remained loyal to him. He is married to Helena Strauss and has a half-vampire daughter Matty—a wedding gift from Cimil.

Nick (short for Niccole):
(From Book #1, not to be confused with Kinich). Also not telling.

Penelope Trudeau:
The woman Cimil approaches to be her brother’s surrogate.

Philippe:
Roberto’s brother. An Ancient One.

Reyna:
The dead vampire queen.

Roberto (Narmer):
Originally an Egyptian pharaoh, Narmer was one of the six Ancient Ones—the very first vampires. He eventually changed his name to Roberto and moved to Spain—something to do with one of Cimil’s little schemes. Rumor is, he wasn’t too happy about it.

Sentin:
One of Niccolo’s loyal vampire soldiers. Viktor turned him into a vampire after finding him in a ditch during World War II.

Tommaso:
Oh, boy. Where to start. Once an Uchben, Tommaso’s mind was poisoned with black jade. He tried to kill Emma. She’s not happy about that.

Viktor:
Niccolo’s right hand and BFF. He’s approximately one thousand years old and originally a Viking. He’s big. He’s blond. He’s got the hots for some blonde woman he’s dreamed of for the last five hundred years. He’s also Helena’s maker.

1. “There’s a method to my madness. Yes, that method might be a teensy bit evil and seemingly random, but someone’s gotta make life interesting.”

A. Cimil, ex–Goddess of the Underworld

B. Acan, God of Intoxication and Wine

C. Zac Cimi, God of (TBD)

2. “Living for seventy thousand years without love is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemies.”

A. Máax, the One No One Speaks Of

B. Camaxtli, Goddess of the Hunt

C. K’ak, just… K’ak.

3. “A happy ending awaits us all, but only if we are brave enough to risk everything and have faith it will come.”

A. Ixtab, Goddess of Suicide

B. Camaxtli, Goddess of the Hunt

C. Akna, Goddess of Fertility

4. “Don’t touch the unicorn. Never, ever touch the unicorn.”

A. Cimil, ex–Goddess of the Underworld

B. The clowns (Cimil thinks they are deities, so that counts)

C. Cimil’s unicorn

Accidentally In Love With… A God?

Accidentally Married to… A Vampire?

Sun God Seeks… Surrogate?

Accidentally… Evil?
(novella)