Until Forever (Women of Prayer) (12 page)

Mark had been looking down while he spoke. He was afraid if he looked at her he would break down and not be able to say all he wanted to say. He looked up and glanced at her to see if she was reacting somehow to what he was saying.

Jessi wasn’t sure how he wanted her to respond. She’d never heard him take responsibility for his actions before. He sounded like he might actually mean it, but she’d heard so many lies that she wasn’t sure what to believe. What was she thinking? She didn’t even want to believe him. He killed her son. Did he really think she would just forgive him and make him feel better?

“Mark, why are you telling me all this? Do you really think I could just forgive you and pretend nothing happened? And then I suppose you want me to just hand Olivia over for visiting rights, huh? I don’t think so, Mark. Ethan is dead because of you. For once you could have done the right thing, but no. You had to drink and drive while our son, no, my son, was in the car. A real father wouldn’t have purposely put his son in danger like you did. I can’t trust you with Olivia. What is wrong with me? Why would I even consider this. What am I going to do?” She’d stopped talking to Mark and started arguing with herself.

Mark knew this was going to be hard. He knew she was going to blame him and accuse him, and he knew everything she said was going to be true. He just didn’t realized how much the truth was going to hurt. Knowing that time hadn’t healed her at all and that she still harbored just as much resentment toward him as the day of the accident crushed him inside. He’d come so far in realizing God’s love for himself that he wasn’t ready for the fresh attack of guilt that hit him.

“Jessi, God has forgiven me. Society says I have paid my debt, and I’m free to go. But do you think for one minute that I will ever forgive myself? There’s not a day that passes that I don’t see Ethan’s face and hear the plea in his voice as he cries ‘Help me, Daddy.’ And I was completely helpless, no, make that useless, to help him. I know I am nothing, Jessi. But I loved him too. I still do.” Through tears, he whispered his last words. He wiped his eyes and looked up at her. “I want to spend time with my daughter, Jessi. I need her too. In the little time that I have spent with her, she has filled a huge hole in my heart. I will do whatever you ask. I will sit in your living room a couple of hours a week if that’s all you want. I just need to spend time with her. I don’t want to go to the court system, but if I have to, I will. I would like us to be able to work this out on our own. I need her, Jess. Please don’t make me fight you on this.”

Jessi knew that he would get more than what she was willing to give if he went through the court system for visitation. She offered him what she quietly begged he would accept. “You can come over to Aunt Merry’s a few times when we come to visit. I’d be willing to give you that much.”

“No, Jessi. I want more than that, much more than that. I will be moving to Wisconsin to be near her. I need her in my life as a constant. I would be willing to compromise because of my past and visit with her once a week. We can finalize the details when I am all settled and have a job there. I’m assuming they build houses in Wisconsin. I’ll need to make arrangements, and I’ll let you know when I do. I’m sorry that this has been so difficult for you. I can’t say I never meant to hurt you, because at one time I did. There is so much that I would undo if I could, but I can’t. I told Olivia that I would come to see her sometime. I’d like to see her again before you leave, and maybe then I will have some information for you.” He apologized once more. “I’m sorry, Jess. I’m truly sorry.” He turned and walked away toward the bus stop.

Jessi couldn’t believe her worst nightmare had just come true. Mark was going to move to Wisconsin. He was going to be a part of her life whether she liked it or not. It didn’t look as though she was going to have a choice in the matter. She had always known this would be a possibility. She’d just hoped it would never become a reality. Jessi turned and walked home.

Chapter 14

Jessi walked in and slammed the door. Since leaving the park she’d thought of a hundred responses to Mark and his solution to being with Olivia. Why she couldn’t come up with one quick enough to counter him before he walked off, she’d never know. Now she had to face the possibility of Mark actually moving to Wisconsin and being a constant in hers and Olivia’s lives. She walked through the kitchen and out the back door, where she watched Olivia and Aunt Merry playing in the garden. Neither noticed her presence in their land of fairies, castles, princesses, and frogs. Olivia was dressed up in the princess costume that her grandmother had bought her. She had to admit that it was a good gift, even if it was purchased out of guilt. Olivia loved it. Maybe that’s all that counted. The memories Olivia would have of her grandmother may be few, but at least they would be special. Mom always saw to that. Jessi could hear Olivia talking to Aunt Merry from her perch outside the back door.

“Mr. Frog, you need to kiss the princess, and then you can be a real prince. The princess needs a real prince, right, Aunt Merry?”

“Yes, sweetheart, the princess needs a real prince. She certainly can’t marry a frog, you know.”

Olivia giggled. “How silly. Who would want to marry a frog?” Olivia continued. “I think Mommy is a princess. She’s pretty like one. Don’t you think so?”

Merry played along. “Yes, I do think she is pretty like a princess. We should ask her to play castle with us when she gets home.”

Olivia thought about that for a moment. “Who would be her prince?”

Merry knew the child was a sensitive one and wondered just how much she understood in regard to her mother and father. “Well, I don’t know, Olivia. Who do you think should be her prince?”

“Well, that nice man who came over yesterday would make a nice prince. And he did say he was going to come back and see me. Maybe he would like to be Mommy’s prince?”

Merry sighed and looked around. “Well, you could certainly ask her. I don’t know if your mommy wants a prince right now.”

An incredulous look crossed Olivia’s face. “Why wouldn’t Mommy want a prince? Mommy reads me stories about princesses, and I know that all princesses want a prince. Ask Mommy; she’ll tell you. Cinderella wanted a prince. And Snow White wanted a prince. In my story, Mommy wants a prince.”

Jessi figured this was a good time to interrupt their play, and she walked to where she would be seen.

Olivia saw her first. “Mommy, tell Aunt Merry that all princesses want to have a prince. Tell her.”

Merry looked at Jessi with a look that said, “I tried.”

Jessi sat down in the grass next to her daughter. “Olivia is right. A princess definitely wants a prince.”

Olivia raised her chin a little and looked at her aunt. “See, I told you. Mommy wants a prince.”

“Whoa, what makes you think Mommy wants a prince?” Jessi waited for Olivia’s reply.

Olivia, with tears forming in her eyes, defiantly crossed her arms and again lifted her chin before replying, “Because, Mommy, I want to have a daddy!” She then turned and ran from the garden, through the house, up the stairs, and into her room.

Jessi rested her head in her hands. Her daughter was missing her father. She was going to have to find out if anything Mark said was true about the past six years. While she wanted nothing to do with him, Olivia needed her dad.

Jessi got up and followed Olivia to her room. She knocked on the door and entered to find Olivia lying facedown on her bed, crying. It broke Jessi’s heart to see her daughter in pain. She sat down next to Olivia and rubbed her back. “Honey, I want you to have Daddy too. I really do. Mommy needs you to forgive her for something. Do you think you can do that?”

Olivia sat up in bed. She and her mother had a pact. When one of them did something wrong or hurt the other one’s feelings, they asked for forgiveness. “Mommy, why do you need me to forgive you?”

Jessi was hoping she wouldn’t regret this decision. “Because I told you something that wasn’t true. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I know that it wasn’t the right thing. Telling the truth is always the right thing to do.”

“What wasn’t the truth?”

“Well, I told you that you didn’t have a daddy. But that wasn’t the truth. You do have a daddy.”

Olivia’s eyes were dry and open wide. “I do? I really do? Where is he, Mommy? Where is my daddy?”

This was the tough part. “Well, do you remember that man who was here yesterday?” Olivia nodded her head. “He’s your daddy, sweetheart.”

Olivia threw her arms around her mother’s neck. “Oh, thank you, Mommy. I’ve always wanted a daddy. All my friends have daddies, and I wanted one too. Now I have a daddy.” Olivia stopped talking and became pensive. “Mommy, didn’t Daddy want to be my daddy?”

Jessi knew this was coming. Olivia was too smart to just accept that she had a father. She would have a lot of questions over the next few days. “No, honey, it’s nothing like that. Your daddy had to go away for a long time, and he wasn’t able to come and be your daddy. Now that he is back, he wants to be your daddy real bad. He loves you, Olivia. As a matter of fact, he is going to move to Wisconsin just so he can live by you. What do you think of that?” Jessi smiled at her daughter.

“Will he live in our house? Like all my friends’ daddies?”

Jessi breathed out. “No, he won’t live with us. He will have his own house, and he will live there. But he can come to our house and visit you. How does that sound?”

“Well, I think he will live in our house with us. Mommies and daddies should live together with their children. Aunt Merry told me I can pray to God anytime I want, and he will listen to me. She told me it’s okay if I ask God for things as long as I’m really really sure I’m thankful and thinking of others first. I am thankful for having a daddy, and I am thinking of you and Daddy first. So I’m gonna pray and ask God to let you and Daddy and me live all together in our house. That’s what I think.”

Olivia hopped off the bed. “I’m going to tell Aunt Merry about my daddy. I just knew he was your prince.” And with that she ran out the door.

Jessi opened her mouth and then shut it again.

Chapter 15

Mark walked around for a while before stopping at a bus stop. He had to think about what had just happened with Jessi. He couldn’t believe she’d tried to put him off with seeing Olivia once a year while she visited her aunt. That was no way to be a father. He wanted a real relationship with his daughter. He’d never done anything right in his life, and this was his chance to prove that he could be a good father, even better than good.

His daughter needed him. He had heard about girls who had no relationship with their dads while he was in prison, both from the guys who took advantage of young girls and the fathers who taught the guys who took advantage a lesson. He didn’t want his little girl looking for approval and worth from physical relationships with guys who didn’t love her. She needed to develop her own sense of self-worth so she wouldn’t need the approval of others. For that, she needed a father who would love her and encourage her. She needed
him.

Now, convincing his parole officer that this would be a good move for him was next. He stopped at a payphone and made an appointment for the next day. Mark headed home and read his Bible while he ate macaroni and cheese for supper. He read in Romans, and when he got to chapter 8, verse 28—“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”—he repeated the verse to himself several times and waited for God’s peace to envelop him, praising his Father with his lips.

That night Mark went to church with Bill. There was a men’s Bible study he had been looking forward to taking part in. Bill picked him up at six fifteen, and on the way to the church Mark told Bill what was happening.

“Bill, I don’t know what came over me. I went to meet her with Meredith’s words specifically in mind: ‘Go slow; take it easy,’ she said. ‘It will take her time to get used to the idea.’ But when she suggested I see Olivia once a year when she visits her aunt, I just blurted out exactly what I had been thinking. I told her I would be moving to Wisconsin to be closer to Olivia whether she liked it or not. I didn’t even give her a chance to comment. Then I left the park and called my parole officer. Do you think I acted too rashly? Do you think I actually have a chance?”