Untangle Me (20 page)

Kayden: Morning, beautiful. Sorry I fell asleep last night.

How should I respond to him? I didn’t know what to say, or how to deal with someone like him.

Kayden: WTF with the song, babe?

I swallowed hard because I knew it was a scathing song. I knew it would hurt him. When I sent it, I didn’t give a fuck.

Me: It fit how I felt last night. I’m sorry.

Kayden: It’s mean… It starts out sweet, but it was like a slap in the face.

I felt like a total piece of shit. He had a shitty day and I was being a bitch.

Me: You didn’t just fall asleep last night, Kayden.

Kayden: I know. We were talking and drinking and I came in my room to call you, but I must have passed out or fallen asleep.

Me: Why didn’t you call this morning instead of text? Have a hangover?

I knew my remark sounded snide, but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to be the one he turned to, he leaned on.

Kayden: A bit. Let me get up and get myself straight and I’ll call you in a bit.

Me: Fine, but don’t forget about me this time.

Kayden: I could NEVER forget about you.

I already felt left behind, forgotten.

Me: Felt like it last night.

Kayden: I’m sorry, Sophia. I’ll make it up to you.

Me: Call me in a bit, I’m going to have some coffee and I have things to do.

Kayden: Ok, baby doll. I’ll talk to you in a bit.

I wanted to throw my phone or slap him in the face. The anger inside me hadn’t subsided from last night.

Me: Ok. I’ll be around.

Kayden: I love you.

I knew he loved me, but I didn’t feel important anymore. He always made me feel like I was the center of his universe, a vital part of his day, but that feeling had vanished.

Me: Love you too.

I dressed, grabbing my coffee and headed for the door. I wanted to keep myself busy today. It was a Saturday and I hoped that Kayden and I would spend much of the day Skyping. He never had a day off when we’re apart and I wanted to take advantage of every minute available. I wanted to get my errands done quickly to free up my afternoon for him.

My phone rang a couple hours later on the way to my last stop. Kayden’s name appeared on my screen and my heart thumped in my chest like it always did when seeing his name. He hadn’t forgotten about me.

“Heyyyy,” he said.

“Hi. Whatcha been doing?” I asked.

“Listening to this fucking song,” he slurred.

Fuck, was he drunk? My heart sank.

“Have you been drinking already?”

“A bit, but I can’t stop listening to this song. It’s so fucking mean, Sophia.”

“Jesus, really? How much have you had already?”

“Enough.” I heard ‘Never There’ in the background.

“Fucking amazing. I can’t believe you are drinking this early, Kayden.” I closed my eyes, a sense of doom filled me. “Call me back when you get sober.” I clicked off the phone.

It’s morning, but he had already drank enough for it to affect him. Is this how he handled a crisis? What more didn’t I know about Kayden—drinking alone and drinking heavily? He disappeared again, I assumed he passed out. I finished my errands and returned home.

Throughout the day sporadic text messages popped up on my phone from Kayden, none of them making sense. He never stuck around long enough to hold a conversation, although I doubt he had the ability to form a coherent thought.

“Hey.” Suzy knocked on my bedroom door.

“Come in, Suzy.”

“Let’s go. Get ready; the girls will be here in an hour. We’re all going out.” Suzy stated firmly.

“I don’t feel like it, Suzy.” I shook my head.

“You’re not sitting here all night waiting for him. Up, come on.” She pulled my arm to get me moving.

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t want to sit home and worry about him; he didn’t seem to worry about me. Suzy was right, I needed to get out and enjoy some time with my girls.

“Okay. I’ll get ready,” I said, climbing off my bed to riffle through my closet.

Kayden had a bottle of booze to keep him company; I have my girlfriends to fill the void cause by his total absence. I’ll be damned if I stay home sitting by the phone waiting for his call.

The pattern continued for days, as we fought. When I would convince him to talk on the phone his speech was slurred and his words confusing. He rarely made sense, and I missed the man I had known before—the one that would make me shriek like a schoolgirl, the one that would talk to me until I fell asleep, and looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. Now I could barely hold a conversation with him. He denied his drunken stupor with stories about why he would disappear. I knew now what happened.

After a week of him drinking and disappearing, I scheduled an immediate impromptu flight to New Orleans on Friday after work. I needed to be with him, and he needed to be with me. I had always told myself I would never get involved with anyone that was an addict. I’d always steered clear of drugs during my life, but alcohol was everywhere. Could he control himself, or was he an alcoholic? I wanted to think that if he was, I had the ability to save him. I wanted to be the good in his life that made him want to change. I needed to talk with him and find out exactly what was happening. I loved Kayden, and I was in too deep to turn my back on him.

When the plane touched down, I found a cab driver willing to take me to his apartment. I was so nervous and hadn’t talked to Kayden since yesterday. I stared out the window and rubbed my sweaty palms together.
Was I crazy to show up unannounced?
I had to know he was ok. I had to see it for myself. I texted Kayden a few times during the drive, but received no response. The taxi pulled into the parking lot where it all began. Our first kiss and all the happiness and joy that I felt we would have together.

I walked to the door hoping someone would be home to let me in. I knocked on the door, and heard voices in murmured tones and laughing. I waited a moment before knocking again. It opened slowly and one of his roommates stood behind it.

“Oh… hey Sophia. What are you doing here?” Tom said as he began to close the door a little bit so I couldn’t see the entire living room.

“I need to see Kayden,” I started to push against the door.

“He’s not here,” he said as he began to push back.

“I know he is, jerk, just move out of my way,” I said as I pushed the door open. His truck’s in the parking lot, I just had to get to him.

His roommate moved away after I pushed him into the wall behind the door. I walked through the apartment with all the men looking at me strangely. They all said hey to me, but were on edge. I felt their eyes on my back as I reached the door, but none of them tried to stop me. I thought about knocking, but wanted to surprise him. I slowly turned the handle to make it as quiet as possible. I walked through the doorway and stopped dead in my tracks.

What the fuck?
Kayden was lying in bed, but he wasn’t alone… there’s a girl in the bed with him. Neither of them woke, and the guys were whisper quiet expecting to hear yelling.

I stood there for a moment and just stared. I recognized her from his postings on Facebook, but he said they were only friends. She must have been one of his girls before I became his
only
girl.

I couldn’t see his face, his back to me. His shaved head and tattoos decorating his back were a dead giveaway. Her body smashed against his with her arm draped over his body. I could see she had a tiny tank top, but their lower bodies were covered by blankets except for their bare feet, tangled together.

I didn’t make a sound… stunned and heartbroken. The sight in front of me squeezed my heart, crushing it. I had worried about him, flying to be by his side, but he found solace in the arms of another. I walked backwards and closed the door to rid my eyes of the vision of Kayden and
her.

The guys tried to stop me and explain, but what could they say? I didn’t want to hear it. I walked out and not looking back. Tears began to fall as I let myself feel the pain of his betrayal.

Keep walking, just keep walking. My mind was a jumble of emotions and numbness. I walked to the main street and hailed a cab.

“Where to?” the cab driver asked.

I fought through the tears to steady my voice, “Bourbon Street, please.”

“You ok, lady?”

“I will be,” I responded. I didn’t know where else to go. I needed a drink and wanted to forget that horrible image that was burned in my eyes.

I had enough time on the drive to try and regain my composure, fix my makeup, and gather my thoughts.

“Can you drop me at the Funky Pirate, please?” I requested.

The streets were filled with people stumbling and celebrating, the nightly party thrived. I needed the excitement and liquor to make me forget. I climbed out of the cab and grabbing my small overnight bag. I didn’t bring much with me, thinking Kayden and I would spend the weekend in bed.

What a fool. I found an empty seat at the bar; the space was filled with happiness. A blues band played and people were singing along, enjoying the funky music filling the air.

“A shot of vodka, please, and a chocolate martini,” I said to the female bartender. She placed the martini in front of me moments later. I stared at it for a moment before taking a large gulp. I swallowed it, slamming the glass back on the counter.

“Another martini, please,” I said to the bartender before she could walk away. Tears began to stream down my face. She placed the small glass filled with the vodka in front of me, but before her hands were totally free of the glass, I grabbed it. I downed it, feeling the warmth ooze throughout my body.

I felt the presence of someone standing beside me. I set the glass on the bar top before turning my head. A handsome man dressed in business attire watched me intently, studying my face.

“Can I help you?” I asked in a snotty voice.

“May I?” he asked, pointing to the stool next to me.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s free, isn’t it?”

“A pretty lady shouldn’t be drinking alone in this town,” he said sitting down, and calling over the waitress.

“Another for each of us,” he said.

“I’ll take another martini with the shot please,” I told her. I needed the alcohol, and a lot of it. I didn’t care about anything, but forgetting the entire night.

“What’s wrong? Maybe I can help,” he inquired.

“You can’t help,” I replied while staring at the bartender hoping her feet would move faster.

He touched my hand, but I didn’t move away from his touch. “Maybe I can.”

“It will take a lot more liquor to accomplish that task,” I said as I wiped a tear away from my cheek.

“What happened?”

“You don’t want to hear my sad story.”

“Yes, I do. Tell me, maybe I can help you,” he said.

I stared into his eyes, studying him.

“I flew here to surprise my boyfriend, but when I got to his place, he was in bed with another woman.” Downing the drink and setting the glass on the bar top.

“That’s horrible. How could he cheat on an amazing creature such as you?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes, he’s done this before. I didn’t give a shit in this moment. I needed to share my story, let out my anger. “I guess I wasn’t enough for him. I should have known he was a whore and wouldn’t change his ways. I’m a fucking fool.” The tears began to stream down my face once again. I grabbed the martini and gulped it. The liquor warmed my body, my legs grew numb, and my mind became a jumbled mess.

He reached for my cheek and wiping away a tear with his thumb. “He’s the fool. I would love for a woman to fly to see me, someone that loved me enough to travel a great distance for my company.”

I leaned into his palm—needing the physical connection. I closed my eyes; images of Kayden flooded the darkness. We spent time in this bar—kissing, touching, laughing, and drinking.

“Another drink?” he asked.

My eyes flew open and the happy memories evaporated. I reached into my purse and looking at my phone. I missed a dozen phone calls and more texts from Kayden. I turned it off, putting it back in my purse.

The handsome gentleman kept the drinks flowing, and numbness was filling my entire body and soul. Everything around me moved in slow motion. Staring in the mirror behind the bar, I tried bringing my face into focus, but I couldn’t make out any features.

A hand covered mine to bring my attention back to my surroundings.

I turned to the gentleman and pleaded, “Kiss me, make me forget.”

He turned my chair towards him, placing his hand on my neck. He paused for a moment, staring into my eyes—I didn’t speak.

His lips touched mine, hard and wet. I thought it would help me forget, but my mind played a private movie of Kayden and his kiss. I craved him. He intoxicated me… this kiss made me feel nothing but an emptiness that couldn’t be filled.
This is wrong.