Untangle Me (22 page)

I wouldn’t say that he currently had anything under control. Control is a word that addicts use when they still abuse their drug of choice. The addiction usually controlled the person, not the other way around. I would say the last week of his addiction, namely vodka, had controlled him.

“I’m sorry, and I promise to do better. I never want to upset you,” he said, staring into my eyes before kissing me on the cheek.

I understood that he felt sad and that he loved his job, but instead of drinking himself into oblivion, he should’ve been making phone calls and figuring out his next step. If there was no hope, like he assumed, then he needed to decide what to do next.
Please let it involve me.

Exhaustion painted his face. The weight of the world was on his shoulders, but I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. I would be there for him and help him in any way I could. The weekend passed quickly and I needed to go home to return to work.

I had been so scared and helpless while I was away from him. If he was drunk and passed out, he would not be able to make decisions about his future or look for alternate employment. I wanted him in my life, but I did not sign up for a relationship with vodka. I would not give up on him. He needed to understand the depths of my sadness and worry.

He squeezed me tight and I got out of bed to pack my suitcase. My heart told me everything would be alright, but my mind knew better. I knew that this wasn’t the end of his struggle with alcohol. I knew a decision would have to be made. Do I stay and be his rock or do I run and cause him to spiral even further?

At the airport we kissed goodbye, tears streamed down my face and I could barely breathe. I felt like my world was ending as I hugged him, unable to let go. I inhaled him. He smelled like the man that I had always smelled before, instead of the stale vodka scent that lingered on his skin yesterday.

I cried walking through security. I’d miss him, more importantly I was scared—scared that the drinking would cause our relationship to fall apart.

Secrets

I hadn’t been entirely truthful with Sophia in the beginning, I had a drinking problem. Up until about two years ago, my life had been filled with addiction and excess to alcohol or drugs. The aftermath with Lisa caused me to gain control, though. Not out of want, but out of necessity. Sophia only knew a small snippet of my past. My life had spiraled out of control for many years, but one positive thing that occurred because of my arrest was that I gained control of my drinking, until now.

I had nowhere else to turn after my arrest. I couldn’t go home to my parents, and I had no means to support myself, losing my job because I didn’t show up the next day. I went to a homeless shelter at the Salvation Army, living in their communal housing where I was required to attend alcoholism counseling and work in their store. I had to take a real look at my life and what actions caused me to end up at their facility. The alcohol had caused so many problems throughout my life, it is my kryptonite. I had to stop it from ruling my life, and had been successful until now.

I would eventually share all of the gory details with her. I had to… I needed to. I had to wait for a time when I had control over my life. Sophia is the only beacon of hope in my life. I would try to stay sober for her—try to be the better man she deserved.

I felt my world falling apart as she walked through security at the airport. I felt hopeless, but I reassured her that everything would be okay. I didn’t believe any of it, it’s all horseshit. What am I without a job? Who am I? I had lost my center and my reason for being, besides Sophia. I loved my work, and it helped keep my mind occupied when we aren’t together.

What would I do without her here? The bottle would be my only friend nearby. I needed her with me, my moral compass. She deserved so much better than me, but I couldn’t give her up. Ever.

I walked out of the airport and through the parking garage until I found my truck. Climbing inside, I closed the door, and I could still smell her perfume in the air. She’s gone and I’m alone, again. I needed a fucking drink.

I’m a complete and utter fucking mess.

Broken Promises

He said there were things I didn’t know about him; I never thought alcoholism would be one. The signs were there, he always had a drink in his hands, never a day totally alcohol free when we were together. I always ended up drunk or buzzed, while he remained unfazed.

I loved Kayden, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit my emotions were mixed with the knowledge of his alcohol abuse. How could I walk away from him? I could not even go a night without talking with him, when he was clean and working I adored the man. How didn’t I know this about him?

Could I deal with a man that had a drinking problem? Someone that went to the bottle and buried their head instead of fighting for what they wanted? I didn’t want that life for myself. My mom had three traits she warned me against constantly: Don’t marry a drug addict, a cheater, or a drinker. While I didn’t always want to listen to my mom, and often rebelled against her advice, in the end, she was usually right.

He promised me that he would try not to drink so much, but who was I fucking kidding? An addict can’t just stop with a mere promise. His drinking started again, possibly before the wheels of my plane touched the tarmac. He had no chance of staying sober with drinking the norm amongst the guys. I saw the bottles lined up on the counter; tequila, vodka, rum, and whiskey, they were the only form of decoration. The temptation too great for him to deny… I had a choice to make.

The Kayden I knew and loved disappeared. In his place, a man filled with despair, often missing from my day. Time ticked away, as I filled my days as I had before, immersing myself in books and my work. Each day I prayed for normalcy. It had been established the day he entered my world, invaded it more accurately, and now there was hole where he used to be.

Me: Ready to Skype, sweetness?

Kayden: I think I’m dying.

I sighed. The everyday drama exhausted me.

Me: Huh?

Kayden: I ate a piece of a habanera pepper, it was a dare.

Men did crazy shit that I would never dream of doing with my girlfriends. Obviously this decision was made in an altered state.

Me: You okay?

No response.
Fucking asshole.
I’m dying
aren’t the last words you want to hear from someone before they disappear. My heart sank and I felt physically ill. Our talks and seeing him online each evening were the best part of my day and now everything has changed.

As much as my life had shifted the day I met him, it had been spun on its axis and everything seemed to be unraveling. He wrecked me. Not a quick stab to the heart, but a slow dissection with a dull rusty blade.

I drowned my sorrows in the lives of my favorite fictional characters, trying to lose myself in their blissful lives, but Kayden never strayed from my thoughts. Kayden would emerge when his self-induced coma wore off sometime tomorrow. Mental and physical exhaustion took me, allowing me to dream of the love I’ve missed.

My phone chirped and
I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn’t—The pull was too strong.

Kayden: Are you mad at me?

How couldn’t I be? He left me hanging, worried and stressed.

Me: More than I can explain right now.

Kayden: I’m sorry
.

I knew he meant those words, but my anger drove my words.

Me: You’re always sorry Kayden, but you aren’t doing anything about it.

Kayden: What do you want me to do?

I clenched my jaw wanting to scream.

Me: Come up with a plan, something besides getting lost in a bottle.

Kayden: If I don’t get my job back then I’m coming to you Sophia.

Doesn’t he want to be with me? I didn’t want to be a last resort. My heart fractured a little deeper. My love for this man had eclipsed anything I’ve ever felt before for anyone.

Me: You’re going to get it back. I just know it.

Kayden: It’s highly unlikely. I’m fucking losing my mind here Sophia… I can’t do this anymore.

Me: What?

Kayden: I can’t be without you anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

I wanted him with me, hating the distance between us, but not under these circumstances. I wanted to be a choice not a backup plan.

Me: What? You’re acting weird, are you drunk already?

I waited a few minutes, but a reply never came.

Me: Figured you’d pass out again. Today better be different, Kayden
.

Hours passed and my anger only grew. I wouldn’t allow myself or anyone in my life to be ruled by alcohol. Kayden needed to choose or I would make the choice for him. I sent a couple of angry texts while he was missing in an alcohol induced sleep.

Kayden: That’s enough.

Me: Of? I can’t believe we are having this conversation online since you are too fucked up to call and speak to me.