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Through it all there was Adam, keeping up a constant flow of reassurances: how well Paul was taking it, how proud Adam was of him. Paul clung to him, physically and mentally, letting Adam’s words sink into his consciousness. Every word of praise reinforced his desire to keep going, to prove to Adam that Paul could take everything Seth could give. Whatever happened, no matter how painful it got or how uncomfortable, Paul was going to endure it.

He wasn’t going to let Adam down.

Paul breathed rapidly, tensing his body, trying to second guess from which direction the next blow would arrive. He got the impression Seth was switching hands because blows rained down from both sides. He arched his back, almost as if he could get away from Seth’s forceful onslaught.

I’ve had enough. Please, Seth, you can stop now. Red
was on the tip of his tongue, hovering there, waiting to fall, to bring an end to it all.

Seth delivered a series of strikes to his arse, and Paul tried to drop down lower, but Adam pulled him up, holding him upright.

“You’re doing so well,” Adam said quietly, their foreheads pressed together. “I am so fucking proud of you.”

His words served to reinforce Paul’s determination to go on. His body spasmed as he tried to anticipate Seth’s strikes, and through it all Adam held him firm. “I wish I could see you, see what Seth is doing to you.”

“His shoulders, back and arse are a beautiful carpet of white stripes surrounded by red halos,” Seth told Adam. “He marks so prettily, Adam.”

“That’s because he’s beautiful, inside and out,” Adam said, his voice quivering. He kissed Paul’s forehead. “My beautiful Paul.”

No fucking
way
was Paul about to call a halt now, even if he was in pain.

Seth stopped. “We’re done here.”

Paul caught his breath.
What the fuck?

“I think you’ve done really well for your first time, but you’ve had enough for now.”

Paul didn’t move, welded to the spot, his arms locked around Adam’s neck. It was over. Adam slowly and gently lowered Paul’s arms. “Come over to the bed and lie face down, please.”

Paul did as instructed, his legs shaking. By the time he reached the bed, they virtually gave way beneath him. Adam eased him onto the bedspread.

Seth joined Adam and Paul craned his neck to watch as Seth took hold of Adam’s hands, guiding them over Paul’s back. Paul winced but Adam’s fingers were incredibly gentle. “Feel the welts?” Seth asked him.

Adam nodded. “And the heat.” He smiled. “I’ll take it from here, Seth, thanks.”

Seth returned his smile. “I’ll go downstairs and make myself a drink, if that’s okay.” He winked at Paul. “Flogging’s thirsty work.” He ruffled Paul’s hair. “You did great, Paul.” Seth picked up his flogger and walked toward the bedroom door. “Adam, take as long as you need to, all right?” He disappeared from Paul’s view.

“Thanks, Seth,” Adam called out. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Paul dropped his head to the bedspread, smelling the age in it. Adam’s hands were cool and soothing, spreading something over his back.

“This has aloe in it,” Adam told him. “It’ll soothe the skin and take some of the heat out of it.” He bent lower and kissed Paul’s nape. “You were fucking amazing.” Adam stretched out next to him on the bed, rubbing in the salve, his touch light. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” The word
fine
was all wrong, but right then Paul wasn’t thinking clearly. He focused on regulating his breathing, aware that Adam was listening intently. Paul needed to reassure him all was well. “Honestly, Adam.”

“How do you feel?”

Like my back and arse are on fire.
“It was… intense.” A technical truth, perhaps.

“We’re going to lie here for a while, maybe half an hour, to give your body a chance to cool down.” Adam kissed him on the cheek. “Close your eyes, baby. We can talk about it later, okay?”

“Okay.” Paul was in no hurry for that conversation, not when it was so obvious Adam was really happy with how he’d taken the flogging.

Which was a pity, because Paul wasn’t happy. At all.

Chapter Twenty-Six

This wasn’t how I wanted it to be.

Paul awoke in his own bed, having spent the night there. That had hurt the most, when Adam had suggested Paul would be better off spending the night alone. It was the last thing Paul wanted. He’d longed for comfort, intimacy, a night in Adam’s arms, but instead had slept in his own bed, lying on his stomach.

He didn’t want me. I went through all that for him, and he didn’t want me.

The thought inflicted more pain that any of Seth’s strikes.

The pain hadn’t stopped when Seth did. Paul recalled with vivid clarity the scream that shot from his mouth when the first stream of water from the shower touched his back. Even turning the temperature down to merely warm wasn’t enough. The cooling aloe Adam had applied to his skin had felt good after that.

They’d lain on the bed, Paul drifting in and out of a doze, Adam not budging from his side, except to go downstairs and say goodbye to Seth who had to get back to the mainland.

I didn’t get the chance to thank him properly
. Paul was uncertain about etiquette: did one thank someone for setting fire to one’s back and arse?

When he’d eventually come downstairs, finally ready to eat something, Adam had made him lie naked, face down on the couch in the library and had brought him a sandwich. Paul had spent the rest of the day like that, occasionally dozing, listening to Adam giving quiet instructions to his laptop. They hadn’t talked about the flogging, for which Paul was grateful. He wanted to give a great deal of thought as to how he phrased his feelings. Paul had the impression Adam was waiting for him to say something first. He’d have a long wait because Paul had no clue what to say.

How do I tell him this isn’t gonna work?

He’d done nothing but turn it over and over in his head all night. Every time Adam had told him how proud he was of Paul, it was another nail in the coffin of any possible future they might have had. He couldn’t give Adam what he wanted. Oh, he’d been bloody careful to make sure Adam had no regrets about the flogging. He’d kept his tone even, not wishing to betray the mess of emotions inside him.

Lying here ruminating on it is achieving nothing.

Gingerly, Paul eased himself out of bed, gently flexing his back to assess how bad it was. He heaved a sigh of relief. There was none of yesterday’s heat, only a feeling of being bruised.

God, I wonder how it looks.

He had to see.

Paul walked over to the wardrobe and contorted himself in an effort to catch sight of his back. What he saw made him gasp. It looked a good deal worse than it felt. The stripes across his arse, shoulders and upper back were black and blue.

Oh, my God.
Paul didn’t know if the sight made him squirm or filled him with pride.

He gazed at the pile of clothes on his chair. The thought of fabric against his skin sent a shudder through him. He picked up his shorts and stepped into them, carefully easing them over his hips.

Sitting down was gonna be interesting.

His ablutions complete, Paul went down the stairs, conscious of the hour. Adam had obviously let him sleep in. The aroma of coffee filled the air, making him smile. It was good to have Adam doing more around the house, even if ultimately it would put him out of a job.

What does he need a full-time companion for, or even an assistant?
Adam was reveling in his increasing independence, not that Paul would wish to deny him that.

“Good morning.” Adam was in the kitchen, making toast.

Paul returned his greeting. “How long have you been awake?”

Adam shrugged. “An hour, maybe longer? I thought I’d make myself useful.” He gestured toward the coffee machine. “Have I told you how amazing you are lately?” Adam beamed. “That gadget of yours is bloody brilliant.”

Paul had to smile. During one of his online searches, he’d found a machine that printed out sticky labels in Braille, and now there were labels all over the house: on cupboard doors, the microwave, the oven, the coffee machine…

He regarded the chair with mistrust. Adam, the sod, was doing his mindreading act again.

“You should be able to sit,” he said, his voice softer. “Try it.” He placed a mug of coffee and a plate of buttered toast on the table, and turned to pour out one for himself.

Paul pulled back the chair and sat slowly, cautiously, holding onto the table as he did so. God, he ached. He did his best to ignore it while he ate and drank. Adam was quiet. Through the open window came the ever present cries of the gulls and the waves against the rocks. Paul glanced over at the window. The sky was a perfect shade of blue, not a cloud to be seen.

Paul wanted to be outside, to feel the sea breeze on his face, feel the sun’s warmth on his bare skin.

He finished his breakfast and washed his plate and mug, before collecting Adam’s mug.

“What do you want to do this morning?” Adam asked. “In the circumstances, I feel like I should give you the day off. I’m going to be working on my book.”

“I thought of going for a walk,” Paul told him. “Not far, maybe down to the bay and back. It looks so nice out there, it seems a shame to waste it.” The signs of Autumn’s arrival were already in evidence: the trees that covered the hillside were turning shades of orange and red, at their most beautiful in the evening sun.

“That sounds like a good idea. Want some company?”

Ordinarily Paul would have jumped at the chance to spend time with Adam, and the thought of walking along the shore with him was a tempting one. But right then he needed to think, and having Adam in close proximity wasn’t conducive to clarity of thought.

“No, it’s okay, you stay here and work. I won’t be long,” Paul informed him. He’d go and find a T-shirt to cover up his back: no sense scaring the natives.

It was clear from Adam’s expression that he’d have preferred to accompany Paul, but he acquiesced to Paul’s decision. “Enjoy.” When Paul passed his chair, Adam reached out and stopped him. “Paul, are you all right?”

Paul knew what Adam wanted, to discuss the previous day, but he wasn’t read to answer Adam’s unspoken questions. “I’m fine,” he stressed. Adam’s face tightened and Paul covered Adam’s hand with his. “We
will
talk about it, I promise. Just… not now.”

Adam nodded slowly, his expression relaxing. “Good enough.” Paul’s breath caught in his throat when Adam reached up to cup Paul’s head and pull him down to bring their mouths together in a brief kiss. Paul closed his eyes and concentrated on the feel of Adam’s lips on his, soft and warm.

This
is what I want. Not the scenes. Not floggers and whips and pain, but Adam’s lips on mine. His arms around me. Him inside me. Me inside him. Him
loving
me.
Just thinking of it made his heart ache with want.

I have to get out of here.

Paul broke the kiss and straightened. “I’ll be back to make lunch, okay?”

“Okay,” Adam said with a smile. “Have a good walk.”

Paul patted his shoulder and exited the kitchen in search of a soft T-shirt.

I just need some time to think.

* * * * * *

Adam knew all about Dom drop, although it wasn’t something he’d ever experienced.
Until now
. He knew plenty of Doms who had, however. And everything was pointing to it as the cause of his present malaise.

THIS is why it’s not going to fucking work between Paul and I
. As a Dom he’d trusted his instincts, but then he’d had a lot of information to go on, most of it visual. Take away those clues and he felt lost. He’d spoken with Seth to gauge his opinion on how Paul had taken the flogging, but Seth didn’t know Paul. He could only go on what he saw that day, the reactions Paul had in that room.

“Did he enjoy it, do you think?” Adam asked him in the kitchen while Seth helped himself to another coffee.

“I’d say in the beginning, yes. There were definite signs that he was letting go and letting himself feel. Further along, though?”

Adam caught Seth’s hesitation. “Go on.”

“I got the impression that the further we went, the less it appealed to him. He didn’t show any signs of wanting to safeword, however.”

Seth’s certainty eased Adam’s mind.

“As for him wanting to do it again, to be honest, I couldn’t tell. I don’t know him well enough for that.”

“Thanks for that, Seth.” It wasn’t a lot to go on.

A brief silence before Seth spoke. “This is serious, isn’t it? How you feel for him?”

Adam sighed. “As serious as it gets. I’m still amazed it’s taken me until the age of forty-one to fall in love, but bloody hell, I’ve fallen hard.”

“Does he love you?” Seth wanted to know.

“I don’t know,” Adam said simply. “The old me would have been thrilled by what just happened. The old me would have taken what he could get.”

“And the all new, improved Adam? How does he feel?” Seth’s voice was gentle.

Adam closed his eyes, as if that would ease the ache inside him. “If Paul had said, ‘sorry, but that’s not my cup of tea’ when I suggested you flogging him, I think I would have been overjoyed. As it is, part of me keeps wondering if he’s only with me for the kink.”

“Why don’t you just talk to him?”

Adam pushed out a low groan. “Because it’s not that easy for me, okay? For fuck’s sake, I’m a grown man. I should be able to have these type of conversations, right?”

Seth chuckled. “How many of these conversations have you ever had, Adam? Be honest.”

“None,” Adam growled. “I don’t talk about my… feelings, my emotions. I can deal with a sub after a scene, sure. I can manipulate him, fuck his head, mess him up… But ask me to tell a guy that I’m in love with him and… ” He bowed his head. “Fuck, Seth, this is a mess.”

“Easy, now.” Seth patted his arm.

Adam reared up his head. “This kind of shit is easy for you. Want to know why? Because you can just look at Chris and you’ve already got a good idea of what’s going on in his head. You’ve got facial expressions, body language, eye movement… What the fuck do I have? Seth, I listen to how he
breathes
, for fuck’s sake. I listen for pauses, hesitancy in his voice, any fucking clues I can find. I am playing in the dark here, Seth!”